I’m Going to Judge the “HELL” Out of You!

. . . So who am “I” to judge you?. . . To be honest, I thought I’d “laid it out” for you pretty well. . . You really should’ve been paying more attention. Rather than repeat myself for the entire class, I’d like to meet with some of you after school for a “tutoring session”. It shouldn’t take too long. Just make sure you bring a sharpened #2 pencil. . . and some band-aids. . . This might get “messy”.


So what am I talking about. . . exactly? Well, it seems that I have outdone myself in the “Pissing People Off Department”. . . Go Figg’r! Last week, while the folks at FACEBBOOK and YouTube decided to go and get themselves banned from providing their internet services to the very good-natured and “always up for a laugh” population of Pakistan, a few members of a somewhat “intense” group of people in that area began scouring the internet – looking for other ways to “Get All Bunched Up” by people that didn’t share their “views”. I found MYSELF the recipient of several emails and comments about some of the “work” I do here at “Go Figg’r”. I have to say, I was fairly impressed that “little ol’ me” was capable of drawing the ire and ridicule of people I don’t even know. Usually, you have to know me for at least 5 minutes or more before I can elicit that much hatred. Initially, I was uncertain how I should respond to these “comments and suggestions”. Should I publish them? Should I notify my local law enforcement agency? Should I be worried? The fact of the matter is I WAS worried. . . but not about myself or my family. I was worried that “these people” didn’t seem to understand “WHAT I DO IS FUNNY”. You don’t have to AGREE with me. (few people do) You don’t have to LIKE me. (even fewer) But most importantly, YOU DON’T HAVE TO READ ME. . . (or kill me)


I thought it was important that I carefully gauge my response. . . I thought a “12 gauge” would probably do nicely. . .
 But that was a “knee jerk” reaction (which I assume means a “reflex” – unless it means I find one of these “jerks” and “knee them” in the nads) Violence doesn’t really solve anything. My new-found “Friends of a Different Faith” don’t seem to “get that”. . . for like THOUSANDS OF YEARS now, they don’t. I have a suggestion of my own. . . Some of you said that you were a “peace-loving” and “God-fearing” bunch. . . “not prone to violence”. Indeed, I know several NON-RADICAL members of the faith that are “cool”. I would like to believe that to be true for ALL of you. But you might have a LOT stronger case, if you weren’t “lopping people’s HEADS off”. . . and by threatening me, you aren’t accomplishing a whole lot. The mere fact that even your threats are required to have “veils”, does little in NOT perpetuating a negative stereotype. I’m afraid if you were trying to “prove a point” in the “words” you used – your point was lost. . . somewhere between the words “you” and “dead” or maybe it was between “pig” and “die”. . . no matter.
After a few more “messages” I decided that instead, I would offer up a carefully “measured” response. . . Unfortunately, this proved to be difficult. I am really uncertain what “unit of measure” is appropriate when describing the distance between “Me Being RIGHT” and “Them Being Dumbasses”. Is it “miles”?. . . “knots”?. . . Well, not unless the knot is the one used to cinch the rope around my neck. (according to the group that seems to find me SO DELIGHTFUL)


SO. . . In an effort to share my frustration, I chose to pick ONE of the “messages” I received this past week. Before I do that, I would like to explain that I have edited it. . . there were some “expletives” that made it inappropriate for my blog. (I like to keep it in the PG Rated Family – Which, again, is NOT the ABC FAMILY – they seem to be leaning towards a “Hard R”) Nevertheless, please find below one of the more “tame non-threatening suggestions” from this last week. It is “apparently” in reference to the “Easter Bit” that I offered last month. . . “apparently”. . .


Anonymous has left a new comment on your post “A Look at Easter. . .Yep, It’s Still There. . .“: Hi, for those of you who made that cartoon. I am an Islam follower. I don’t think what u have made seems right. It’s awful {word that rhymes with “Truck”}. For the God shake, Mohammed never sit on her bride’s shoulder. Her bride Aisyah who sat on his shoulder, not him. Dear Mother {“Trucker”} there, Our God : Allah will never regret ur decision not to be a muslim. And Prophet Mohammed never forced his people to believe his religion with that king of sword. There was no violence. The war was only for nonbelievers who against his people at that time.
I hope that God will bless u and forgive ur sin, U have to know that you have made sin to all people especially muslim around the world. 



. . . okay? . . . “Thank You?”. . . I am uncertain how to respond to this. . . But I’ll TRY. . . 
Let’s break it down point by point, okay? .

  1. I am not the creator of the “cartoon” in question. . . I merely thought it was hilarious. Especially when it got to the “punch line”. . . “Nuggets of Fowl”. . . that is some good stuff!
  2. I am HAPPY that you are a follower of Islam. . . Good for you!. . . I am a follower of Christianity. . . have a nice day!
  3. You don’t have to think what I “did” was right. . . in fact, I don’t even recall ASKING you
  4. Is it REALLY AWFUL? or just awful {word that rhymes with “Truck”}?
  5. Okay. . . you’re starting to lose me here, Punchy. . . It seems you may have used some sort of translator software to scribe this “gem”. . . “For the god shake?”. . . what does that mean, exactly? I don’t remember that verse from Sunday School . . . “created the heavens and earth” – sure – no brainer. Unless, you mean the NEW version of the Bible where it said, “God got ‘torked off’ and decided to ‘shake things up’ “
  6. As far as who sat on who’s shoulders?. . . I don’t care. . . not really interesting to me
  7. (another reference to “truckers”) Dear Mother Trucker there – have you ever seen “Ice Road Truckers?” It’s a pretty cool show. . . it might satisfy all of your {“trucking needs”}
  8. It appears that at this point you decide to let me know that Allah will NEVER regret my decision NOT to be of “your faith”. . . I was a little confused again. . . I’m NOT. . . your faith, I mean. . . so , yeah. . . uhm. . . was that “all”?
  9. OKAY, I haven’t brushed up on my Mohammed history lately, so I’m not even going to get into his “back story”. However, I DO seem to remember studying him in my “Religion and Sociology” class in college. . . and again, when writing my Thesis on “RELIGION IN THE MEDIA”. I will only say that I seem to recall several of “his scenes” being eerily reminiscent of the one found in “STAR WARS-EPISODE 3”, when Hayden Christensen’s character, Anakin Skywalker took it upon himself to “knock off” a village of “Sandpeople” singlehandedly – and later on decided it would behoove him to wipe out a class of “Young Jedi” at the “Jedi Training Preschool. . . what?. . . I’m a “Fanboy”. . .
  10. “THERE WAS NO VIOLENCE”. . . really? Then explain to me what the hell is going on in the Middle East EVERY DAY for as long as God (excuse me – Allah) knows when? That war “only against the nonbelievers”? Yeah Punchy, that’s still going on. . . Only this time. . . it’s getting a little “personal”. . . They’ve decided to bring it “home”. . . “MY home”. . . and a LOT of “YOURS”. . . GOD has forgiven me for my “sin” – thanks for your concern. But it had NOTHING to do with my “opinion”. . . I ONLY comment on what I “SEE”. . . As far as me sinning against “ALL PEOPLE, especially “your faith” world-wide”?. . . Ah, shucks. . . but I think you’re giving me too much credit.
     
. . . I’m a “bus driver”, Punchy. . . Oh, sure – I’m a brilliant writer and a terrific artist. I am a gifted comedic conversationalist. . . but what I think, doesn’t really affect the “WORLD”. . . Well, not yet. . . But I’m working on it. . .

. . . For the rest of you out there, I KNOW that I’ve said I rarely respond to comments given by people to my “BIT”– but I had to make an exception. . . or an “example” out of this chucklehead. . . and to the few that decided to let me know that I am nothing but a “Godless S***kicker”
 or tried desperately to put the “Fear of Allah” in me – I’m not going anywhere. . . no, seriously. . . I’m a “bus driver”. . . Nobody in HOLLYWOOD will return my calls (it says so every day at the top of my blog) So if you think you’re going to intimidate me. . . you’re WRONG. . . I only published ONE of the few “comments” because I don’t like validating anything that I find completely RETARDED. . . (unless it PAYS WELL) but I just wanted to send a message to those that think I don’t believe in the same GOD they do, that “I DO” . But I don’t really remember seeing a whole lot of “Protestant Uprisings” going on out there. Not a whole lot of “church folk” needing to KILL for what they believe in. . . You might be better off drawing a nice warm bath, lighting some candles and putting in a Jazz CD. . . You really NEED TO RELAX. . . if that doesn’t work, just pull the CD player into the tub with you and ELECTROCUTE yourselves. It might be the only “shocking” thing you can do that is “worthwhile”. . . 

‘Til Then. . . Go Figg’r!

Peace Out – Later

D A N     


P.S. I wanted to work on my book and some other stuff this week, but felt I needed to address my “detractors”. I will continue with the “LIST OF THINGS I CAN’T STAND ABOUT PEOPLE” soon. . . But somebody had to go and ruin it for the rest of the “class”. . . PEACE (no, really)    






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