Thinking on My Feet, Without Stepping on Your Toes

In a Sea filled with IDIOTS, I am an island alone. . . Where everyone gets stranded. . . trying to figure out how to drink their own pee. . .  
~danof89
In my estimation we have become a society of “Hypocritical Wussies”. . . or is it “Hyper-Critical Windbags”? At this point, I am not really feeling too awfully bad about where I “fit” in all of this. Let me tell you why . . . and isn’t that what we’re all here for? (I know I can’t wait to see where I’m going with this) I’d just like to know how a society that, from outward appearances, seems to be so calloused – can have such a “thin skin”? EVERYONE is a “Victim”. We ALL seem to be bitching and complaining about SOMETHING. . . But “Heaven Forbid” someone bitches or complains about “YOU”. . . “Our Society” doesn’t have a whole lot of “room to talk”.
We are a SOCIETY of IDIOTS. . .
For someone who writes these little “bits”, voicing more than its OWN fair share of complaints, it may seem as if I, myself, have little “room to talk”. (That is why I “write”- I need far less room and am quite a bit less demonstrative) But I “notice” things some of you don’t. Or maybe you DO notice them, but have a hard time verbalizing your disgust. Or maybe you CAN verbalize it, but you get pigeon-holed into a “category” as a “trouble-maker”, “busy-body” or just someone who likes to hear themselves “TALK”. . . You see, “I” can live with that. . . Though, I don’t like the sound of my voice. I sound a lot like Ben Stein and
“Urkel” had a kid. . . with a deviated septum. . .
As a humorist (one who “notices humorous things”, notes them, then relays that information to others, so that they can laugh so hard that they could quite possibly blow a “snot bubble”; thus enhancing the “humor enjoyment” for those not necessarily targeted with the initial “Humor Offensive” – unless they found themselves sitting within “snot shot” and suffered “collateral moisture”)
“HUMOR OFFENSIVE” ~ as defined in the Danof89 Dictionary of Verbal Sock-Puppetry:
 ~ When laughter is derived from an unsuspecting “victim” through coercion, tactical deception or an occasional “fart joke”. Not to be confused with OFFENSIVE HUMOR.
The word OFFENSIVE, on its own means, to be “Disagreeable to the Senses” and THAT, my friends (and people I don’t know) is what is at the heart of this week’s offering. (For the record, A humorist, is what I am calling myself this week. It is subject to change at any time without warning. In fact, I think for the remainder of the bit, I want to be known as ‘Olof’. . .thank you) I sometimes like to “key in” on things that I think are “Social Deficiencies”. Areas that WE (meaning YOU) really need to “work on” before we (again, you) should even consider “Holding Hands” with OTHER SOCIETIES. Let alone ask to take one of them to the “Spring Formal”

If our society even attempted to “pin a corsage” on say, “SWEDEN”, Sweden’s dad would probably step in and say,
“Let’s save a little something for the Wedding Night, Okay there, Sporto?”
. . . Only he would say it in Swedish. . . Now that I think about it, Sweden’s dad probably wouldn’t say that at all. . . Sweden’s dad probably would’ve “weeded us out”, in the “courtin’ process”, while showing us its extensive “gun collection” or asking us to come over on a Saturday afternoon and help rebuild a VOLVO engine in their driveway. . .


“So what are your intentions for my girl?”, Sweden’s father would say, cleaning a rifle while making you hold the end of the barrel to your forehead. . .
OR
“I notice you and my baby have been seeing quite a bit of each other lately. . . Are you planning on getting a ‘real job’ anytime soon?”, wiping the engine grease from his hands with an old ABBA t-shirt, “. . . Can you hand me a 3/8’s drive and another quart of Quaker State?”


If my analogy of ‘Our Society’ as a horny teenager (I guess that’s what that was) has “thrown” you. . . You’re not alone. . . well maybe you are. . . but hopefully you’re not “lonely”. . . But if you’ve read any of my recent stuff, you know that I consider our Society to be in a WHOLE LOT OF TROUBLE. . . just like a horny teenager. . . By the looks of our ENTERTAINMENT choices, whoever is in charge of providing them MUST be a horny teenager. . . Or maybe he used to be. . . and now he’s ‘REGRESSING’
 . . . or “receding”. . . or “BOTH”
But back to the analogy. . .
For starters, anyone that knows SWEDEN (or her dad) knows that they are a peace-loving society. The chances of Sweden’s dad actually having a gun collection are pretty remote.
Secondly, If you know SWEDEN like “I” do (I don’t), you KNOW that ABBA is sacred there. If someone were to desecrate or “besmudge” a garment depicting the band’s name, image, or logo – they would be convicted of “Sacrilege” (a chargeable offense) and receive SWEDEN’S harshest punishment. . . They would be exiled. . . to either Holland. . . or Branson, Missouri. . .
But what am I really getting at?. . . What is at the crux of this week’s “effort”? What is at the heart of. . .
Wow. . . my train of thought got “derailed” somewhere around “snot bubbles”. . .
Oh, yeah!. . . People are way too uptight. . . or ARE they?. . . ooooohh
(nope . . . not even close to “deep”)
I don’t know. . . It just seems to me that there seems to be a major “Catch-22” going on in our world. . .

  1. We are a world that is easily offended. . . 
  2. Every conceivable form of “Entertainment” or “Mass Media” known to man is. . . offensive (to somebody)
  3. . . . “Some People” can’t take a joke

There is a monumental difference between “Crackin’ Wise” and being OFFENSIVE. . . 
There was a “situation” that occurred this past week, that illustrates my point perfectly. I just wanted to mention it briefly, then move on. . .
Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the creators of “South Park” torked off a “GROUP of People”
 . . . by releasing an episode of their “cartoon” depicting a “Person of Religious Significance”(to “some people”) in a somewhat “unflattering way”. So angered by this “direct threat” to everything that they believed in, “THE GROUP” posted their (Parker and Stone’s) home addresses, work schedules, dates of birth, Social Security Numbers and a phone number they could be reached at after 8PM (NOT on the ‘opt-out’ list). Then “THE GROUP” said, they did NOTHING to incite violence or try to manufacture a “repeat” of what happened to “Vincent Van Gogh” in 2004. First of all, I thought Van Gogh went crazy and cut his ear off a LONG time ago. I didn’t realize that “THE GROUP” had any involvement in his untimely death. . . whatever people. . . GET A GRIP. . . all they “didn’t” do was give them ammo and the use of their own personal “suicide bomber” battalion.
. . .Trey and Matt, have LONG been offending people of EVERY religion. I personally have a “few issues” with their views. . . Do I want them dead because of it?. . . Nope. (I’d actually like to meet them sometime) Some may say I can’t be on “both sides of the fence” on an issue. SURE I CAN! That’s what makes this nation GREAT (if not, slightly confused) That doesn’t make me indecisive or “wishy-washy” – It makes me “well rounded”. The only PROBLEM I see is that sometimes there is a difference between being OFFENSIVE with the intent of “getting a laugh” and being OFFENSIVE for the sake of being “offensive”. After the “shock value” has worn off, you run the risk of becoming “irrelevant” asking yourself, “Was that even funny”? (not that I would know) I have always subscribed to the theory that you can (and should) be “funny and irreverent”. . . but NOT IRRELEVANT. . . I thought the episode was funny (minus the Jesus part) but not their best. . . so MOVE ON. . .
. . . DON’T “threaten”. . . Better yet, don’t perpetuate a negative stereotype by divulging that “something bad might happen”. (I guess that’s still a threat, but when they did it, it was EXTRA creepy) As an aspiring illustrator and author of children’s books and potential screenplays for FULL-LENGTH ANIMATED FEATURE FILMS (see “Stay Tuned” in the sidebar – I am shameless) I am only offended by Matt and Trey reaching a “Children’s Audience” with “Adult Material”. As “Stand Alone Comedy”, I have found “South Park” to be pretty entertaining (some of the time). As a “human being”, I take issue with “A GROUP” deciding they want someone DEAD, because they “Don’t Get It”. . . Lighten UP!. . . or figure out how to work your remote. . .
But any way you “cut it”, I wouldn’t want to “Die” to get a laugh. . . Luckily, I don’t have to. . .
BUT WHY?. . .
Well, I don’t get “PAID for this” for ONE THING. . . (If you mean why don’t I have to “DIE”, well you’ll have to wait, just like everyone else)
PLUS, I always try to “cover my a**” by ensuring that when I say something that might be “potentially offensive” I offer a brief “DISCLAIMER”. . . you’ve seen them
The fact I have to do this is insulting to me. . . Where is MY “Apology-Ahead-of-Time”?
. . . The simple fact is I used SWEDEN
 at the top of this for my example, because. . . they are SWEDISH there. . . (what are they going to DO?) Do they even have an ARMY? . . . If so, do you honestly think they would mobilize all 15 of the soldiers to “snuff me out” for making fun of them? Maybe they would. I’m not up on their “foreign policy. But I AM “half-Swedish”. I bet they can “take a joke”. So who does that leave. . . How about the population of Branson, Missouri? Well let’s assume they can read. . . Therein lies the “rub”. . .
By and large (but mainly “by”, ‘cuz Branson ain’t very large) they could have easily become offended by  me stating that being “exiled” there would be a horrible fate. (it would) They are “corn-fed”
TRUE-BLUE AMERICANS!
  Which means they are also easily provoked and agitated and more than “one” of them probably has access to a small “arsenal of weapons”. They could easily book a plane to California (with slowly read and detailed instruction, of course) and “track me down”; emptying the contents of his (or her – but probably his) legally registered and concealed weapon into my head. . . quickly emptying its contents. . .
OR. . .
They could unleash “The Osmonds” on me. . . thereby “sealing my fate” in a similar fashion to that of my heroes in the climactic conclusion to 1985’s “Ghostbusters” (the copyright laws are still pretty strict – You’ve seen it)
. . . If I was told to “choose my own fate” and tried to think of the most harmless, benign and utterly “useless” group of people with which to “Bring the Pain”. . . I more than likely would inadvertently have a “Brain Fart”, just like Dan Akroyd’s character “Ray”. But instead of unleashing the “Hounds of Hell”, by way of the “Stay Puft Marshmallow Man”, I would accidentally pick. . . “The Osmonds”. More specifically, “The Love Puppy and Soldier of Love”. . . Donny Osmond(you’ve GOT to watch this video)
. . . and Branson. . . NO, People that GO to Branson LOVE that family. . . but enough is enough already. . . Branson needs to be held accountable. They are facilitating devastating and socially-retarding “Pay in Advance Events”. . . in MASS numbers. . . The Osmonds owe a few “Apologies-Ahead-of-Time”. . .
Quick question. . . When did we become a SOCIETY that needed this much “Breaking News” on the Osmonds? When did our “Entertainment News Providers” ordain them “American Royalty”? Did somebody have a “meeting” to decide this?. . .


“Well, most of the Kennedy’s are pretty much DEAD. . . What do you guys think of the Osmonds?”


The Osmonds, The NEW CAMELOT. . . nice.  . . I’d much rather get “Breaking News” on Ken Osmond(I bet he’d STILL “pitch” a Toyota)
 or. . .
Haley Joel Osment(not an Osmond at ALL – even better)

. . . So what have we learned today class?. . .
I think you have a better understanding of my frustration with SOCIETY, when I have to hold their hands and explain, “Okay, this is going to be a joke now. . . do you need your ‘blankie’?”. . .
BUT. . .
Our SOCIETY seem to gobble up stuff that “Insults our Intelligence”(provided you’re working with any to begin with) (isn’t that Stephanopoulos?)
and “Disagrees with our Sensibilities”. . . Okay? Do you agree?. . . Good. . . Now MOVE ON. . .
I can’t speak for others (but would often LOVE to), but maybe I add my “DISCLAIMER” or “Apology-Ahead-of-Time”, because I still have a “conscience”. Or maybe I just don’t want to “catch hell” from EVERY single person I “trash” (I mean satire) Maybe you don’t get offended easily. Maybe you get offended by some of the things I write. . . But, if I were to be perfectly honest, (instead of just perfect) I’d say I’m tired of apologizing for things that don’t warrant an apology. . .
. . . Because a Joke is a JOKE. . . We could ALL use a good “snot-bubble”. . .


‘Til Then. . . Go Figg’r!


Peace Out – Later


“O L O F”

a P.S. to SWEDEN (and her dad) . . . I am also half-French – but that was no good. . . The joke was too easy. Everyone KNOWS the French are arrogant, smelly and hairy. . . and that’s just the WOMEN. . . Don’t even get me started on the English. . .

a P.S. to Holland (or whatever you call it now) The Van Gogh guy killed in 2004 was Dutch. . . apparently NOT a good place to be from while making fun of ANYBODY

a P.S. to the “People of Branson, Missouri” . . . Hannibal is much prettier

a P.S. to “The Osmonds” . . . you ALL really annoy me. . . Shame on “Lara Spencer”
 . . . shame on you, Donny

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