Mazel Tov Cocktails and Caveat Dreams

. . . If you have children, I HIGHLY recommend purchasing VIOLENT VIDEO GAMES. . . In fact, I think it is important for your children’s mental well-being to keep a Video Game Library stockpiled with gory, intensely violent and mind-numbingly desensitizing material. . . Hear me out. . . If you DON’T have any children and haven’t yet had the opportunity to become a “Gamer”, I think this might also be the perfect time to take this activity up yourself. If you have friends that own some, ask them if you can “borrow” their kids for a weekend and let them “show you the ropes”. I think, as a society, we could ALL benefit from the ridiculously overt VIRTUAL Blood-letting and Make-Believe Mass-Murdering Mayhem that the Video Game Industry provides. . . WHY? I think a better question is WHY NOT?. . . What is the ALTERNATIVE?. . . ABC FAMILY? Have any of you WATCHED ABC FAMILY?


I covered this topic, briefly, quite some time ago in the memorable entry “The Master of Verbal Sock-Puppetry: A Return to Basics”. http://gofiggr.blogspot.com/2009/07/master-of-verbal-sock-puppetry-return.html  (well “I” remember it) However, nearly a year later, I thought it would be best if I “revisit” this issue. My plan in going back and “rehashing” some old business is “TWOFOLD”. As I’ve explained, I don’t DO “manifold”. (as in many-fold; having many varying characteristics and reasons – NOT “mani-fold”, like a mechanical part that goes on some sort of car or truck or vehicle…I hate mechanical crap) It gets too complicated and I have an intense dislike of Origami (a type of paper artwork, which is “folded many times”) No, I’d much rather reopen some old wounds, rub a little salt in them and see if I can make, whoever still takes me seriously, “REAL GOOD AND BUNCHED UP“. I’d also like to begin starting to make sense. . .  Are you READY?. . . How do I put this “delicately”?. . . Oh, I’ve got it. . .


 We are raising a nation of “Thugs and Whores”. . .


. . . Well, “I’m” not, but somebody is. . . Maybe not YOU… Unless, of course you think you are. In which case. . . you ARE. . . raising one. . . or MORE than one. (Unless, you thought I meant you think that YOU are a Thug and/or a Whore. At this point, if you’re questioning any of this – other than what I MEAN by it – you’re probably just a REALLY “confused” Thug and/or Whore. Possibly raising some of your own)  I’d also like to assure you that this is the part of the “Bit”, when I start making some sense. If you were able to decipher ANY of what I’ve written so far, “Congratulations”. . . and I take it back. . . You’re NOT confused.


Back to ABC “Family” for a moment. There newest “slogan” is “A NEW Kind of Family”. . . I am SO going to look into suing their butts for “false advertising”. . . At the very least, I need to look into the precedent for “REALLY POOR TASTE and UNBELIEVABLY UNSOUND JUDGEMENT”. . . Can I SUE for that? . . . If I CAN, I am going to get PAID, G! I REALLY wanted to show you a new YouTUBE video, sharing an example of “TV Time” with my family. We regularly attempt to watch ABC FAMILY. I wanted to show you in terms of MINUTES (sometimes even seconds) how long we are able to view its programming without having to TURN IT, because of “sensitive material”. The problem I have with them isn’t with their new slogan. . . I’m sure they are probably sincerely TRYING to market to “A NEW Kind of Family”. . . Have I mentioned that I think FAMILIES in today’s day and age are completely. . . SCREWED? Again, not YOURS (unless you think yours IS, in which case it IS. . . etc., etc.) But, as of “right now”, I don’t have the necessary “fundage” to support, clearing the required expenditure involved in purchasing a DVD-R for my camcorder. (I am broke) So instead, I have decided to include what I could find in terms of ABC’s idea of what is suitable for “children” and/or “families”. . . I would argue that point. . . well, just watch. . .
Exhibit A: Beauty and the Briefcase


. . . Hillary Duff? . . . WHORE


Exhibit B: Americas Funniest Videos
Tom Bergeron? THUG


Bob Saget? Unfunny WHORE/THUG/SELL-OUT (You were on “Full House” schmuck!)

{. . . and on a side note, the last time we “tried” to watch this show. Tom introduced a segment called “Look Ma, No Hands”. He jovially introduced the clip featuring two young men, standing behind a piano (the piano between them and the audience) They proceeded to “Drop Trou” and offer the audience the “illusion” that they were playing the piano with their “Kibbles and Bits”. . . Okay. . . on the surface, maybe a funny “sight gag”, but when you are watching it with your 5 year old (whom you were avoiding buying a male puppy for, because he has a penis, and you’d rather not bring it up – “just right then and there”) well, it kind of pisses you off a bit. At least “I” was pissed. . . And for anyone that thinks I need to be explaining what male genitalia is and what it is for, to a five year old? GET A GRIP. . . }


Exhibit C: 10 Things I Hate About You



The CAST: WHORE, THUG, THUG, WHORE. . .


. . . I could go on and on. but if you want to check it out for yourselves. Sit in a room full of kids of varying ages and watch ABC FAMILY sometime. See how long it takes for you to begin to squirm. . . See how long it takes before they start asking questions. . . Even if they aren’t YOUR kids, they will ask. . . Because you’re an ADULT. . . for some reason they TRUST us. . . Unless it is a group of TV Programming Executives. . . then I think you need to keep “Examining Data and Demographics”. . . You’re doing a “bang up job”.


But it’s not just ABC FAMILY. . . They just happen to be the latest in a LONG LINE of “Family-Oriented” Entertainment on my “LIST”. . . I was watching the Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Awards with my two daughters a couple of weeks ago and Rihanna cam on to do a little song for the kiddies. . . Here. . . take a look, but take a LISTEN too. . .


. . . Rihanna? . . . I’m struggling with this because you got beat up by a THUG. . . But, I’m gonna’ have to go with WHORE. . . NO BUSINESS doing that song in front of a bunch of impressionable young kids. . .


So “Who Am I” to say, what kids should be offered in the way of ENTERTAINMENT nowadays? Well, I’m glad you didn’t really ask, but read along far enough to find out. . .


I’m a POSSIBLE SOLUTION. . .


I don’t need to stoop to VULGARITY to get a laugh. . . Do I SWEAR? Sure I do. . . But only when I can’t think of anything INTELLIGENT to say. I don’t depend on SEX jokes (either overtly OR COVERTLY) to entertain people. I’ve been writing stories for kids. . . since “I” was a kid. Kids today, deserve entertainment that doesn’t try to make them “Grow Up” TOO SOON. . . Why was I a Toy Designer? Why do I try to be a Children’s Book Author? Why do I hope to make the next BIG FULL LENGTH ANIMATED FEATURE FILM? Why do I hope to make kids (and some a select few adults) happy with what I DO? (Aside from this blog – which, for the record, has NEVER been billed as FAMILY-ORIENTED. . .  only FAMILY-FRIENDLY)


. . . Because ADULTS SUCK!. . .
(Except for those that enjoy reading my stuff)


Don’t EVEN act like that isn’t true. . . and with KIDS, we still have a CHANCE! (unless they are teenagers) You should HEAR them on the SCHOOL BUS
 . . . I am not a prude. I am not oblivious to the fact that there is entertainment out there that is geared for adults. I KNOW what WHORES and THUGS are. . . I was a PREACHER’S KID! I’m thinkin’ I probably knew more than a lot of you. But when, you market stuff with Balloons, Unicorns and Rainbows – only to take away the Main Character’s Virginity in the “Second Season”. . . You’ve just missed the whole point of FAMILY ENTERTAINMENT. . . (oh, and you pissed me off in the process)


FAMILY ENTERTAINMENT isn’t supposed to make our “Kids” want to go out and START a family. . . a NEW KIND of Family. . . Unless, of course, I’m wrong. . . and THAT is highly unlikely. . .


I’m showing you a picture of a couple of the characters from one of my “stories” at the top of this. . . Something that I am really “pushing” to have made into a FILM. . . (NO, the “Book” hasn’t been published). . . It’s not even the one that I’ve been working on over the last month and a half. But it’s something I BELIEVE in. I had the MAIN CHARACTER tattooed on my left arm in ’99. (Don’t judge. . . It was being turned into a toy until I left the company and took the idea with me – the TOP pic is from ’99, the BOTTOM pic is how they’ve changed) and it’s something I think a WHOLE LOT OF PEOPLE would enjoy and COULD. . . as a FAMILY. . .
Oh Yeah. . .  I said something about VIOLENT VIDEO GAMES, before I got a little “side-tracked”. I’m not REALLY encouraging you to get your kids involved with them. However, I can’t think of a better way to get your young daughters interested in SELF DEFENSE at an Early Age. I was playing a game with my youngest the other day. She understands the Make-Believe Violence (she isn’t prone to any sort of violent outbursts) We were blowing away some Zombies and she turned to me and said, “DADDY! THROW YOUR MAZEL TOV COCKTAIL!”. . . Yeah, we bought a boy puppy and YEAH, I told her what “IT” was. . . I just didn’t need Tom Bergeron “forcing my hand”. . .


. . . So, Mazel Tov!. . . I’ll be here, hangin’ around until the results are in. . . I’m thinkin’ you could do “worse” than ME for your Entertainment needs. In fact, a LOT of you already ARE. . . If ANYONE knows “SOMEBODY”, you know where you can find me. . .


‘Til Then. . . Go Figg’r!


Peace Out – Later


D A N


P.S. To my MOM, I apologize for saying THUG and WHORE so much in this “bit”. But, I couldn’t use the words I WANTED to. . . and I said “pissed”, because I “AM”. . . I also said “penis”, because the dog has one. . .

   
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