A “Vlog” by Any Other Name. . . Is a “Vlit”

I was recently given the “opportunity” to do something at work, that I regard as “Life-Altering”. I was allowed to remove chewing gum from the floors and seats of a Public School Bus. Now, I know what you’re thinking (no I don’t) How in the world could I find such a demoralizing task something that could potentially change the course of life as we know it? Easy. . . I lie to myself. I tell myself what I am doing is something meaningful and substantial, so that I can drag myself out of bed every morning, look my wife and children in the eyes and go about my day as if I were a “Card-carrying Member of the People that Contribute Something to Society Organization”
 ; without weeping a lot or deciding that Russian Roulette is really just a matter of “good timing”.

But in those quiet moments, the ones between me rocking back in forth like a mental patient or a “Celebrity in Rehab” and mumbling incoherently about how I “Used to BE Somebody” – that I am given some of life’s most menial tasks. That is also when I really feel “ALIVE”. (dead people are rarely given the chance to clean a school bus) This is when I KNOW that I am “Making a Difference”. Sometimes, while actually performing the physical portion of the task (there is also a mental portion) I find myself, not mumbling incoherently – but speaking “Out Loud”. I will often “talk myself through it”:



“No disrespectful little bastards will step in THIS gum today. . . Not on my watch!”, I’ll say with a smile on my face and a song in my heart.



And indeed that is TRUE. Because of ME, no little “Snot-nosed Punk-ass Kid” will be “inconvenienced” by stepping in chewing gum. They will also not be “troubled” with the knowledge that the man scraping the gum or toting their “happy little asses” all over town and to their respective Learning Facilities, not only went to College (something few of them will do) but earned a couple of DEGREES while there – and did it with a “B Average”. They needn’t be burdened with such trivial facts. They have more important things on their “little” minds. Like sending explicit text messages, finding out where they can score some “weed” on any given weekend and deciding that they might “forego” their chance at college to pursue a life of crime. . .



Please note: I am not bitter. . . merely “observant”.



So by now, you may have found yourself asking, “Who the heck ARE you?” I ask myself that very question semi-daily, but “I” have to live with “Me”. You are able to “Surf the Net” finding other forms of entertainment.
Some of them “Good”. . .
Some of them “Not so Much”. . .
But the “Powers that Be” (ME) felt that this might be the best time for me to put a “Face” to my “Blog”. So, I guess you can consider this little outing my “Go Figg’r! Screen Test”. That being said – NOW, you may have found yourself asking, “Why would this guy (who I only find somewhat entertaining as it is) risk it ‘All’ by doing a ‘Screen Test’ for his own Blog?” You’re full of questions today, aren’t you? Well if you MUST know (pretend it is vital to you emotional stability – it will make this a lot easier) I wasn’t really sure that I was “right for the part”.
If life were a MOVIE. . . and I’m pretty sure that it is. . . and I had to audition for the “part” of playing ME in “Danof89 – The Movie”, chances are. . . I wouldn’t even get a “call back”. In fact, my life is actually pretty easy to break down “scene by scene”. I am very rarely able to “hit my mark”. (For those that don’t know industry jargon – that means finding my proper place on stage or in front of the camera, in which to stand) You can ask anyone that KNOWS me, I usually “Miss the mark” . I am also not very photogenic The camera does NOT “love me”. Not sure it even Likes me.(My face tends to go into strange and unnatural contorions when filmed or photographed) I also begin to stammer, while speaking. Something I do not do on a normal, daily basis. I have never had a speech impediment, at any point during my life. Yet, when cameras role, I find my speech pattern becomes altered. Usually one to be quick with a snide remark or “verbal jab”, I start to use the words “Uh” and “Uhm” with liberal abandon. In most cases, in order to be a successful “Smart Ass”, you are rarely afforded a sizable time alottment for “Getting in a Zinger”
 . In “Real Life” you are forced to think in “Real Time”, I very rarely “Think Before I Speak”. So I find it a little strange that the introduction of a camera, instantly creates a need in me to “Get it Right”. It’s not as if we can’t just “reshoot” the thing. And since when have I EVER “Gotten it Right”? Yet I stutter and contort, I stumble and devolve into someone I find unrecognizable on “film”. Is it “nerves”? . . . Perhaps. Is it a lack of “Self Confidence”?. . . Getting Warmer. Is it the fact I come across as a “Doofus on Camera”? . . .I think we’ve got a WINNER.
BUT, I thought it was TIME. . . TIME to share with the world how this Doofus thinks. But more importantly, what this Doofus “looks like” while thinking it.
If the call DID come down from my “imaginary agent”
 that there was an open casting call, it’d more than likely go a little like this. . .



I would undoubtedly be nervous. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t get any sleep the night before the audition. Then. . . on the way to the audition, I would most assuredly have to make a sudden stop in my car, while following someone too closely, while they swerve to avoid hitting some sort of dead animal in the road – which, upon closer inspection is actually just someone’s old, discarded bathroom rug. When slamming on my brakes, I -more than likely – would spill the entire contents of a 32 ounce “Big Gulp”
 in my lap and wouldn’t have time to go home and change. . . I’m already going to be late. In fact, I probably didn’t have time to either shave or shower that morning, because I overslept – having gotten to bed a little before 4 AM.
(Skip ahead)
I’m standing in line – at casting – going over the notes my agent emailed me the night before, because he/she’s in New York at a premiere for “Another Client’s Life Story” – which was introduced at “Sundance” – and whose early screenings and reviews, have made it “the one to watch” come “Oscar Time”. Anyway, I’m standing there,with a wet and raw crotch (because of the Big Gulp incident, not because I enjoy that sort of thing) I’m running lines (with myself) looking around and noticing all the other “actors” in line seem to really have their lines “down”. They also seem to be quite a bit more “enjoyable to look at” than me and have ALL had the opportunity to bathe and groom themselves. . .



Needless to say (yet, I always do) I won’t get the part. . .



Damn you Shia Lebeouf
 . . .



BUT for the rest of you? I introduce my first “VLOG” entry. Though I like to call my BLOG a “BIT”. . . (pretentious – much?)





I was thinking about calling this a “VLIT”. . . like a big, steaming pile of “Vlit”. 



I also went through HELL trying to get this edited and put on YouTube. Apparently 15 minutes and 8 seconds was a “bit TOO MUCH of a good thing”. Therefore the sequel (the other half I had to cut) will be coming soon. . . I’ll be “somewhere” looking for a glob of gum to help you avoid stepping in. . .



‘Til Then – Go Figg’r!



Peace Out – Later


D A N 
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