Remind Me to NEVER Do THAT Again. . .

This Story starts, as so many do, with two guys hangin’ around a “water cooler” in an office. (I only worked in an “office” once, in the late ’90’s. I still see water cooler trucks. I assume that is where they are making the bulk of their deliveries). . . but I digress. . . again. . . 

“Hey Reggie!. . . What’s wrong? You don’t look so hot. . .”

“Oh hey Hank. . . Yeah, you know that new sandwich place around the corner from the park?”

(Don’t ask me why this story involves two Hall of Fame Right Fielders – again, back to the two guys – the one just stated he tried a new sandwich joint. . .)

“Yeah? I was thinking of trying it out. Is it any good?”
Reggie: “*Urp* I got a Tuna Melt with onions and cheese smothered in a creamy ‘Broccoli Chipotle Sauce’. . . *urp* I’m thinking it didn’t agree with me.” (he leans on the “water cooler” and braces himself, letting loose the ‘Winds of Freedom’)
Hank: “Wow that’s too bad!”
Reggie: “I know. . . Remind me to never do that again!” 
Hank:  “No, I mean your fart. . . That was brutal. I think you blinded me.”
Reggie: “Oh right. . . sorry. Excuse me a sec. . . I think I’d better go check my pants.”

Now, I understand by now that a sizable portion of you may be growing weary of my “Fart Analogies”. I think it was Eddie Murphy
 back when he was still funny) who said that when he was a young man, just starting in comedy, he told a lot of “Fart Jokes”. Because early on, as a kid, he didn’t really have a lot of “life-experience” from which to draw upon for material. I would like to think that I have a “wealth” of life experience to draw from. However, when it comes down to it, a “Fart Analogy” (not joke) pretty adequately describes what we ALL seem to be doing. . . “Farting Around”. If you’d prefer to say “Putzing Around” in order to make it “through this” – feel free. In fact, you’re right. . . I probably should have never brought “Farting” up at all. Put it out of your mind. . . the farting thing. . . 

BUT, for the sake of this “bit”, I will be unable to get beyond the farting thing. In fact, I needed to know MORE. I researched the origins of the word. I even went so far as to find a very helpful website whose primary ambition is to share “ALL THINGS FART” (check it out if you like: Facts on Farts ) I found it very interesting, but after about an hour, I decided there’s only so much you can do with a fart. So, I guess I’ll rely on the standard definition, so that I can move on. 

I found this definition probably the most all-encompassing, the most useful and also, the one that would help enable me to get on with my life.

An emission of digestive gases from the anus; a flatus; An irritating person; a fool; (usually as “old fart”) An elderly person; especially one perceived to hold old-fashioned views; To emit digestive gases from the anus; to flatulate; To waste time with idle and inconsequential tasks; to …

I think what “I” took away from this little “nugget” is that a fart, though a simple “act” to most, is anything but. Like so many other words in the English Language, it can take on so many connotations. So, that’s what I took away from my “research”. “That” and also that somewhere along the line, I forgot what I was talking about. . . Remind me to never do that again. . . 

But just like wasting about an hour, looking through the “Annals of Anal Emissions”, there are sometimes experiences in all of our lives that we wish we’d never, well. . . experienced. Aren’t there a few instances you wish you could “expel from you system” with the ease of simply “lifting a cheek”? Perhaps there are some mistakes you’ve made or lapses in judgement that have caused you to  say, “Remind me to NEVER do that again”.

“Remind Me to NEVER Do THAT Again”

We’ve ALL uttered this phrase at one time or another during the course of our existence. Anytime, that we have convinced ourselves that a “plan” or “set of plans” that, to any other “sane or rational” person, would be considered “NOT SMART” or a “Colossal Waste of Time” was, in fact, the single most brilliant idea to have ever been conceived in the history of things that are smart. (or at the very least, not “half bad”) This simple phrase (the never do that again thing), just like “Fart”, can have different meanings to different people. But it’s when we choose to ignore that phrase, when we decide that WE know how to tempt fate, beat the odds and come out on TOP. That is when the “fun” begins. . .
A phrase, that to a woman who’s just “given birth” – would seem “foreign” and would more than likely never even be considered once that beautiful baby (or babies) is placed in her arms. It would never occur to her at that moment, that she has just experienced the most physically impossible, painful and “disgusting to look at” feats imaginable. That it would more than likely be in her best interests to seek professional help for even contemplating putting herself through the pain, anguish, and torture of another “Child-Bearing Marathon” anytime again. . . EVER. Of course, I am speaking of mothers that have gone through ‘Natural Childbirth’ sessions
 . It is my understanding that there are a number of women out there that get on some sort of Morphine Drip, lazily go through the ordeal and squeeze the kid out like it was on a Baby Oil Slip n’ Slide – for them, the pain comes LATER. Because that leads to the other half of the parenting equation: In our case – The Spouse. I’m not really into defining people’s roles in their relationships. In some it could be the significant other, the insignificant other, Life-Partner, Donor Vile b-3qA. Whatever the case, it is none of my business and none of yours. Nevertheless, whoever is left after the “Child Bearing” to do the “Child Rearing” is most assuredly left at some point in time saying to themselves, their “spouse”, their therapist, their support group – “Remind Me to NEVER Do THAT Again. . .”
But as is so often the case with “People”, we rarely learn from our mistakes. NO, I am not saying that having children is a mistake. I currently “co-possess” 4 of them with my “spouse”. I think they are good for a great many things. Indeed, on more than one occasion they have come in rather handy. (For instance, if I misplace something when I’m at a busy Walmart, like say – one of my ‘other children’ – Well, I’m happy to say that 7 out of 10 times, one of my other kids can find them.) They are terrific! I LOVE my kids. But, the experience of RAISING children seems to be a continuous series of ‘Trial and Error’, with a HEAVY DOSE of “ERROR”. You would think that the older they get, the EASIER it would become. That is a BOLD-FACED LIE. Don’t even begin to tell yourself that. With everything going on in this Hazy-Crazy World of ours, I think we have it 100 times harder than our parents. Well not MY parents. . . But surely YOURS. My parents had ME. I’m SURE that was like HEAVEN. . .
About 3 weeks ago, my wife looked at me with that look only a wife can give a husband. (I suppose a janitor could give that look to a farmer, but it wouldn’t be the same – unless the janitor was the wife of the farmer – and they had kids) The look was that of a woman who desperately needed a way to “Entertain” the children. Very often in the hustle and bustle of everyday life. Time can get away from you. Between the shopping, paying the bills, cooking the food, helping with homework – well, you can lose sight that the children haven’t actually been out of the house for around 3 or 4 years and that they appear much taller for some reason. So my wife and I decided that we would take our kids. . . to the Los Angeles Zoo. . . 
Now on “paper” this looked. . . like a “disaster”. No, I’m not going to sugar-coat it. Getting my kids to do anything as a cohesive family unit for more than 5 minutes, usually involves a lot of begging, pleading, threatening, bribing, beating and sometimes “foul play”. When I say “foul play” I don’t mean “murder”. I’m fairly certain “someone” would have noticed one of them was missing. Also, when I said “beating”, I was referring to my head against a wall. So you can just about start getting your undies picked back out of your cracks. Where was I? Oh yeah, we were headin’ for the Zoo. The van ride to LA was eerily silent. Possibly, because we were riding down in our BRAND NEW ’96 Dodge Conversion Van
 , paid for ENTIRELY by my tax refund, with NO THOUGHT as to what we could have done with that money when we RAN OUT OF FOOD a week after our “purchase”. (Kind of ties into the “Never doing that again” thing, huh?) But they sat in the comfort of our ‘New Ride’ and plugged themselves into various electronic devices – designed by someone who didn’t believe in ‘human interaction’. So by all accounts, it started off okay. 
When we GOT to the Zoo, someone failed to remind us that “I” was not the only one enjoying a 3 Day Weekend with my family. In fact, it turns out that a LARGE contingent of Animal-Loving Californians
  agreed that this would be the perfect day to “Be in MY WAY”. Therefore as dutiful Good Citizens, my wife and I decided NOT to strangle people as they “cut” in line in front of us. We resisted the urge to “punch in the nose” those who decided that THEY were the only ones of any importance within the confines of the World Famous Los Angeles Zoo. (For the record? It ain’t that great. Even if I HAD enjoyed myself) It took our kids nearly 3 and a half seconds upon entering the Zoo, to declare their distain for the Zoo, the people “in” the Zoo, my wife, ME, the size of the beverages that cost us roughly Ten Dollars per ounce. . . EVERYTHING. Please understand that we have VERY WELL-BEHAVED children. . . in PUBLIC
 . They have sneaky and underhanded ways of letting us know how displeased they are with our efforts in a very discreet and savvy way. Outwardly, they might look mildly upset. But INSIDE? a Tumult of Toxicity. They have already “Let us Have it” and we have been reduced to tears. . . INWARDLY. Outwardly, my wife and I will let just about anyone who wants to know exactly how displeased we are with ANY given situation. So, after about 4 hours of never finding a monkey that could throw poop in a way that “WE” could find adequately amusing, we decided to “make tracks”. You would think that my kids would be Happy to get out of the house after their 3 to 4 year hibernation. . . YOU, would be an “idiot”. Not MY words . . . “THEIRS”. 
So we filed the kids back into the “VAN” (which was now, in their minds, the biggest piece of crap they’ve EVER had the displeasure of riding in) My wife stating as she has SO MANY TIMES BEFORE, “Remind Me to NEVER Do THAT Again. . . ” Then we headed BACK to BAKERSFIELD (on a personal note, this drive “back” is ALWAYS a downer for me and my wife – “You mean we have to go BACK? . . There?“) BUT, we are a pretty resilient couple (my wife and I) We have barred the windows at home again. We have reminded them that they need us for “Food and Stuff”. All seems to be getting back to “normal” around here. How are we going to follow up the trip to the Zoo? Well, my Mother and one of my Brothers and his family are going to be here in June. . . We are going to hit “San Diego”. . . 

(we are gluttonous wrecks)

We’ve even been thinking about another kid. . . Well, I’ve been trying to figure out why people like Justin Bieber and my wife has been trying to explain it to me. (He’s a pint-sized annoying person with SUPER-SIZED marketing)

So what do Raising Kids and “Farting” have to do with one another? . . . Well, nothing really. . . I just write this stuff. . . In The End it’s Not About the Love You Make, But the Wind You Break?. . . forget it. Guess I shouldn’t have started with a “Fart Joke”. . . “Remind Me to NEVER Do THAT Again. . .”

‘Til Then. . . Go Figg’r!

Peace Out – Later

D A N 

P.S. I have recently found myself the interest of a Publishing House. They are asking me to give them “a book suitable for publishing and selling”. I will attempt to write as often as I have been… However, I don’t want to “blow this”. I have deadlines to meet and as always, I must continue to work at my “Real Job”: Public School Bus Driver. I ask that you Continue to “Stay Tuned”. I thank you for your support, your reading, your VOTING and helping get “the word” out there. Now, if some more “Chuckleheads” out there would follow suit, people might catch on.

P.S.S. I’m still working on the New WEBSITE! I will also hopefully start including some video spots with my “bit”. So you can SEE who’s been “Crackin’ Wise”.Humor Blogs Blog directory
“I’m the BEST KEPT SECRET on the WEB! But I’ve been tellin’ EVERYBODY”


thanks -danof89


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