People Are Pigs. . . “I’ve” Just Gained Weight

(Please note: To avoid any controversy, the part of “God” in this
bit, will be played by “a Dude”) push pause at anytime on the video at the bottom – but watch it – otherwise this bit loses a little “street cred” -thanks- danof89 –
Without pointing fingers and naming names, it has been brought to my attention, that I sometimes come across as a “tad bit cynical”. I think that is the most unfounded accusation and stupid pile of “horse mess” that I have heard in my life. I will eventually get around to refuting that claim (someday) but first I need to tell you why I am “tad bit skeptical” about A Bright Future for Humankind
Let’s be up front and honest. . . We are a disaster. Being a believer in Creationism, I tend to look at “US” as a HUGE and drawn out Science Experiment gone awry. I think “The Artist Formerly Known as GOD”
 sat down with his chemistry set and started tinkering. I think he’s BEEN tinkering. At a couple points, during the course of the experiment, he has gotten upset with the results and scrapped the whole idea. Then, like any good Mad Scientist, he decided to START ALL OVER AGAIN (flood or NO flood). I am not one to question the mastermind behind such things as Internal Organs, the Dallas Cowboys, Dr. Drew Pinsky or Casual Fridays – but I need to know something. . . I think it was Dr. Drew (among other fake TV doctors) who’ve stated on more than one occasion that, “The Definition of Insanity” is continuing to repeat negative behavior, over and over, expecting different results”. So am I saying I think God is “Insane”? NO. . . I think he has been trying to give us the “Benefit of the Doubt”. But from where I sit, I am beginning to “Doubt the Benefit. He’s allowed us to make a real mess of things around here, but being the “Eternal Optimist” (literally) that he is, he keeps giving us “One More Chance”. . . Being HUMAN, “I” don’t tend to be quite as forgiving. . . but I’m working on it. . . 
That’s why, my “faith” was put to the test last weekend. 
There was a “burglary” at my church. The “chumpstain” or “chumpstains” involved made away with a riding lawnmower and two rototillers, from a storage shed behind the church. As of today, I am uncertain of the details involved. But I AM certain of the individuals involved. Whoever decided that it was somehow “OKAY” to steal from a church should

  • have never been born
  • have been born with the knowledge that stealing is WRONG
  • have possibly been born, but have been unaware where my church keeps their lawn care machinery
  • have never been born (did I already say that?)
I am also uncertain why my church was “targeted”. (No, I’m not) The church I attend is small. When I started going there (about 6 years ago) its congregation primarily consisted of “Older People”. That was fine with me. I’d personally been “away” from the church for a number of years, honing my skills at being a “Wicked Evil Mess”
 . Having perfected the art, and subsequently not finding it quite as fulfilling as they make it out to be on TV or in Moving Picture Shows
 , I decided it was time to return to my “roots”. This church seemed to be a good fit for my family. Older parishioners, by and large, are far less “jumpy” than their younger counterparts. I found them to be “non-threatening”. Being the father of four, I also enjoyed the 20 sets of “Built-in Grandparents” that my children had to choose from. They are a kind and giving group of “fogies”, who are the closest thing to my “real family” that we have. (most of my family lives in the Midwest) They have been there for us through a lot of “rough times”. Most notably, the passing of my dad (a career preacher) and my wife’s dad (a career great guy) in the last couple of years. That’s why when a gaggle of “Chuckleheads” decided to jack my church’s lawn equipment, I decided to take matters into my own hands and do the only thing I know how to do well. . . talk. That night I emailed one of the local TV stations. . .
Now there are a few things you JUST DON’T “DO” in life
– Keep yourself hooked up to an IV “spike” of lethal painkillers 24 hours a day, seven days a week – until you end up becoming a shell of your former self and die alone – becoming a “Punchline For the Ages”
– Depend on NBC for “Reliable Quality Programming”, whose Flagship Late Night Show boasts a host that has no socially relevant or redeeming quality.
– Steal From A CHURCH (a church of old people)

. . . You might as well be “knocking off” a preschool, during “nap time”, for their Milk Money. But, when I told my pastor, I’d notified the MEDIA, he didn’t seem to share in my enthusiasm or “bloodlust”. In fact, my exuberance was met with a little tempered hesitation. You see, though I welcome “most” attention, my pastor felt that our church (not known for “stirring things up”) might suffer a little from the negative press. I reminded him that “WE” did nothing wrong. The perpetrators needed to be brought to justice and  when that was over, I wanted a couple minutes alone with them. . . 
He was also unsure that they would run the story. . .
“This kind of thing happens ALL the time,” he said.
“Exactly,” I replied, “THAT’S the problem”.
. . . and it is. WHY would someone steal from a “church”? I don’t get it. I’m pretty sure the whole “Not Stealing” thing is on a list somewhere of BAD STUFF – if it’s not, it should be.

As you can see, that isn’t the ONLY problem I was made aware of, as a result of the “story”. I spotted a few more. For instance, I was unaware that my head was the size of a BEACH BALL. I also understand that it is a widely known FACT that the camera adds 15 pounds. . . after looking at myself on television, I am being forced to evaluate who should be held responsible for the additional 20 or so. The news station did a GREAT job covering the incident. But they called me late Monday night to do the interview. I was already in my “Pajammy Jams”. When I arrived, I wasn’t provided with a hair or makeup person (as I assumed was customary). They also didn’t shoot me from my “Good Side” (which was apparently left somewhere in the “90’s”) The “White Balance” (which I’d been assured was “perfect”) most assuredly was NOT (I appear pasty and “doughy” like an unbaked strudel). I also seem to be suffering from some sort of speech impediment. . . 
Now, I’d been “planning” on starting to include “Video Spots” in some of my upcoming bits, but after seeing this footage, I may need to reevaluate that decision. . . but, this really isn’t supposed to be a bit about “ME” now is it? (I think that may have been that “God dude” talking to me – he’s so temperamental)
The Point IS. . . People are Pigs. . . “I’ve” just Gained Weight. . . and We Want our Lawnmower Back!. . . 

‘Til Then. . . Go Figg’r!

Peace Out – Later


P.S. DON’T call the Bakersfield Police Department, unless you have actual information about the case. Also, please don’t report the couple in the picture shown at the top. They were nice enough to pose for police sketches -they are legitimate working models (hand models). . . I can just see some reader from overseas calling and saying, “Ya. . . I saw da’ mower in Dusseldorf. . . unless you really did”  

P.S.S. Please note I do NOT speak for the other members of the church I am affiliated with. The views expressed herein are mine and mine ALONE. In fact, they kind of “keep their distance” sometimes.



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