Pretend I Care, Then Ask Me Again Later. . .MUCH Later

. . . I have one of those faces, I guess. . . No, actually, I think I have two of those faces. You either “swear” that you know me from somewhere OR you think I have an “honest face” . In fact it is the kind of face that A LOT of people assume is owned by someone that honestly  “gives a toss”  about what perplexes them. A face that belongs to someone that wonders how your day is going thus far, how your children are doing in school, whether or not you’ll be able to swing the “time share” in the Poconos this year, if your cousin Derek got a new hybrid car

 that can run on solar power and a light vinaigrette, about how your aunt Edith’s hemorrhoid surgery went or whether you seem to still have a normal sinus rhythm and stable vital signs . Truth be told. . . I don’t care. . . I’ve got “bigger fish to fry”
 and the fact that I HATE seafood is a fact that is obviously LOST on you. Otherwise, you wouldn’t still be asking me what I “thought” about whatever drama you’ve currently “cooked up” to make your life seem more interesting to me or anyone else that will take the time to listen to you. . . 
So that we can “get this party started right and/or quickly”
 , let me first tell you that you neither KNOW me or, quite honestly, have never met anyone like me. Depending on who you talk to, that could either be a GOOD thing or a SLIGHTLY BETTER THAN AVERAGE thing. If it seems that I am taking out all of my frustrations, with this matter, on you (the reader) I hope you understand that it is merely because you are “handy”. . . and I can no longer afford the therapy required to make the “voices”go away. NO, the voices aren’t in my HEAD. They seem to just follow me wherever I go. I know you’ve heard them too. . . I CAN’T be the only one dealing with this. Let me offer an example, so that we are all on the “same page”, shall I? (I shall)
If you find yourself in line, in front of me – at say – an “All You Can Keep Down” Buffetand suddenly decide to strike up a conversation with me (a perfect stranger. . . Yes, PERFECT) about your lengthy list of food allergies, then the prognosis isn’t good for you. At that precise moment, you are committing “Conversational Suicide”. You are all but dead to me. Please do not then continue to ramble on about how the last time you ate at this particular restaurant, you got food poisoning, which caused you to walk around with bunghole puckered for two and a half weeks, for fear that you would be sporting Chocolate Blossoms in your Thunderwear
 at the most inopportune of moments. If you decide that this is the type of person that YOU are. . well then. . . You most certainly DO NOT know me. As a result, I surely don’t know you. In fact, I will go to great lengths to ensure that anyone within “earshot” knows I’ve never met you before in my life.
. . . Don’t get me wrong (how could you?) I consider myself a fairly compassionate person. I think I am very “in tune” with the plight of my fellow man. I’m positive that I am empathetic to the “Human Condition”. However, it REALLY depends on the “Human” and “the Condition” involved. It is probably safer to say, that I am sensitive to the needs of my fellow man or woman or pet (whatever) on a much LARGER scale. It’s a lot easier to be compassionate for people that aren’t “all up in your face”. Individually? . . . One on One?. . .  well, I’m afraid that is starting to get a little too personal. Yes, it’s much safer to help others “from a safe distance”. I think the tragedy in Haiti proved that single handedly? Who Knew that many Celebrities could put their egos aside for ONE NIGHT to show the “World” how “likable they are as a group”? Outstanding. . . Top Notch Humanitarian Stuff
But what can we do here at HOME to make a difference? Well for starters, you can get out of my face. . . Unless I invite you to start rattling off every little insignificant factoid about your inconsequential existence, I’m fairly certain there will NEVER come a day when your unsolicited musings will find a home in my “Compassion Cubby”. For the record, my “Compassion Cubby” is conveniently located next to my “Like I Care Foyer”. Next time you decide to perform a “Home Invasion” on my “Personal Space”, I suggest you check out my newly-remodeled “Don’t Give a Crap Gift Shop”. Pick out something nice, then give it to yourself. Because chances are. . . I’m not giving you anything. Certainly not a “Crap”. Oh sure, I may toss a little “Crap” your way. . . but I most assuredly wouldn’t put as much thought into it as YOU could. . . After all, it’s hard to pick out a gift for someone you don’t “know”
If I seem to harbor an aire of superiority in dealing with those who claim and monopolize a good portion of my free time with meaningless “life stories”, I have good reason. I LET PEOPLE TALK. . . I acknowledge them. . . I nod, knowingly. . . There are even times that I offer suggestions and valuable insight. . . But “I Don’t Like It”. . . I would much rather just tell them how I honestly felt. But that would be “impolite”. . . To WHO? They don’t even ask me if I would like the opportunity to “opt out” of these one-sided conversations, before they start to “share” them. I would say the closest thing to protecting myself from these unwanted “Pariahs of Pity”
 are to use the handy “Human Shield Technique”. Sometimes, in a public setting, I can “sense” when one of these “types of people” are in the area. You can usually tell who they are. Say you’re at the grocery store: You are in line with a number of people. Everyone pretending to be busy doing whatever it is we do in line. (reading the headlines of Tabloids, telling our kids they can’t have any candy and to stop making a scene, looking in our carts and wondering how this can possibly add up to an entire paycheck) If you are alone, you are vulnerable. But if you are with someone, you can at least pretend that they are interesting. Otherwise, “Look Around”. As the wait becomes longer, you will notice people that have run out of things to do or look at. They have exhausted all options and start looking panicky. Then, usually, someone “says something”. It may start innocently enough. “Nice weather we’re having, huh?” But by the time it’s all said and done, someone has just spilled their guts, while the other is left in an exhausted heap – clinging to their coupons and a bottle of ketchup. . . Yes, it can turn that easily. If I make “eye contact” with someone in line (heaven forbid) I usually start acting like I have some sort of facial tick. Sometimes, I just start violently scratching my arm and nether regions while retching and coughing. This tends to get the “would-be perpetrator” to think twice about engaging in conversation. However, if someone does say something and I accidentally “respond”, it can be “tricky”. I usually try to interest a third party (like the cashier – They can’t go anywhere. You can.) in becoming a part of the conversation. I encourage it. Then I make my retreat, pay for my items and LEAVE
 . It deflects the attention from me and places it squarely on the shoulders of someone more qualified to deal with it. (someone other than me, that knows if the coupon is good on multiple bottles of ketchup).
All Seriousness Aside. . .
I work with a woman (I think she’s a woman), that seems to have a fairly good way of dealing with this situation, Though, I think in her case, she’s mentally “kooky”. I’ve never seen her face. . . During warm weather months, she wears a surgical mask. During the Winter months it is replaced by a scarf and stocking cap. One, would assume that she is merely, hopefully a germaphobe, has respiratory issues or had a REALLY bad “nose job”. Whatever the case, I have never had the opportunity to see more than roughly 3 to 4 inches of her face, at any given time. I have never spoken to her (she has acknowledged my presence with various hand gestures, eye movements and – on rare occasions – a muffled grunt or two) I could best describe this situation like working with “Kenny” on “Southpark” or the “neighbor guy” from “Home Improvement”
 . . . Whichever, but the fact is?. . . “That’s” intriguing. This is a person I’d like to know more about. “This” is probably someone with something to say. . . Don’t you think we could ALL benefit from a little “mystery”? Don’t you think people would want to know “What we thought” or “How we felt”, if we just “Shut the Hell UP” every once in a while? I know I’d find A LOT of people more tolerable if I didn’t have to “hear about them” all the time.
It’s just like the deal with CELEBRITIES. . . IN HOLLYWOOD. . . If you “linger”. . . If you “outstay” beyond what is customarily known as “Your Welcome” – especially when you have no discernible talent to begin with – you become the NEXT
Russell Brand


Heidi Montag
the Entire Cast of “Jersey Shore”
 . . . In actuality, it’s an endlessly revolving door of “Uninteresting People with Extraordinary Issues”. . . Isn’t it? These were the names of just a “few” of those who’ve been “forced down my throat recently – and they are the ones LOWER on the “food chain”. If you think about it, you could substitute just about any CELEBRITY or semi-CELEBRITY name and it wouldn’t matter. You know why? . . .  Because THEY  “Don’t Matter”. I need a break from the folks whose very presence in MY WORLD seems tailor-made to “piss me off”. They just end up joining the ever-growing guest list at my “All You Can Keep Down” Buffet. Those “in the KNOW” about people like this might as well be discussing the passing of their latest kidney stone, and dredging their sleeve through the “house dressing”, while returning to the buffet with a used plate – dropping “Used Food Crumblins’ “ in every food tub that I currently hold “open for consideration” – when it “expressly states” at the beginning of the line, that
ALL RESTAURANT PATRONS ARE TO USE A NEW, CLEAN PLATE UPON EVERY RETURN. . . These people should be Exiled. . . Banned from returning to my “BUFFET”. . . Would I care?. . . 
Well. . . Pretend I Care, Then Ask Me Again Later. . . MUCH Later.



‘Til Then. . . Go Figg’r!


Peace Out – Later


D A N  

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