No News is Good News. But Bad News KICKS ASS!


I think we need to start by defining what constitutes “NEWS”. Could it be events that happen to “everyday” folks, like you and me? (or you) Possibly, but more than likely – it would have to be an event that was somewhat “out of the norm”. Otherwise, it would be merely a “happening”. As in:

“Did you hear what ‘happened’ to Mitch? He lost his job at Whirly Burger, because he refused to wash his hands after ‘dropping a deuce’ “. No, it seems to me that what constitutes “NEWS” today, usually consists of events surrounding people we view as somehow ‘IMPORTANT’ (i.e. Celebrities, Politicians and an occasional Cult Leader)
OR in EXTREME cases (“Slow NEWS Days”) it might be an ordinary person, thrust into EXTRAORDINARY circumstances. (i.e. Someone making up a NEWS STORY and LYING about their child hopping into a hot air balloon, so that they could get on a Reality TV Show. . . OR a “couple” of people sneaking in to a party hosted at the White House, so that they could get on a Reality TV Show. . . I’m sensing a trend.)
Oh, sure you may occasionally get a “cute” Public Interest Story about a DOG that saves some kid from falling through the ice and drowning in Oshkosh, Wisconsin. But, those kind of fluffy “feel good” stories aren’t as GOOD as people in such dire need of attention, that they are willing to waste tax-payer money and law enforcement resources to show that they are worthy of our “attention”. No siree. . . Anyway, “Little Timmy” should have known that the ice was thin. . . There was “standing water” on it. . . Screw Timmy. . . I want to hear about Bruce Jenner calling the cops on his neighbor.
One of the reasons I have “steered” clear of Current Events of late, is because it really doesn’t seem all that “Current” to me. Doesn’t the same basic “stuff” happen to the same few people every year. Even if it isn’t the same exact people, does it really MATTER? Not only that, but doesn’t it seem like the Nightly News, overall, is pretty NEGATIVE? Who needs all that negativity? If they DO say something positive on the Nightly News, it is usually when Brian Williams talks about “Little Timmy” in the last 30 seconds before telling us to tune in the following night to watch another half hour of how EVIL the world is and how much people suck. But occasionally (like once a month or something) he’ll tell us about “People Making a Difference” . This is wonderful. . . I LOVE hearing about people who make me look like a “Big Useless Turd to Society”. . . Thanks “Bri”. . . Oh, and please keep the stories coming about “Celebrities Making a Difference”. . . good stuff. Celebrities have ENOUGH. . . They don’t need to be glorified for volunteering at a Soup Kitchen. Here’s the News as I see it. . .
Celebrity overdose. . . Celebrity “accidental” overdose. . . Celebrity Scandal. . . Latest Celebrity “Wife-swapping” or “Adoption” Event. . . Blah, Blah, Blah. Iraq. . . Pakistan. . . Little Timmy. . .Goodnight. The line is so blurred between the Nightly News and Tabloid News, that I personally can’t tell the difference anymore. . . That could have easily been a telecast done by either Mr. Williams or my “friend” Billy Bush. . . Though, I think SNL has YET to invite Billy to host the show. . . In all fairness, Brian Williams was COMIC GOLD. . . But I couldn’t be any more DONE with TIGER, if I was. . . whoever his wife is, again. . . Now he’s shirtless on the cover of GQ?. . . Do I CARE?. . . Do YOU?. . . But we KNOW about it. . .hmm
All Seriousness Aside. . .
I think I am going to continue keeping my “News Consumption” to a minimum for a while. I may just keep it very BASIC. . . I call my MOM. . . a LOT. Every other day or so. She likes to keep up on the “News” from our house. As some of you may be aware, I have been undergoing a battery of tests concerning a recent pancreatic problem. Mom needs to know ALL about this. Without getting too graphic, I’m running out of orifices for my doctors to poke, probe or expose to large amounts of radiation – so that they can complete all of the necessary tests designed to let me know. . . I’m getting old. I think I’m down to my “ear holes” and my Urethra. . . I’m not even sure I HAVE one of those. . . or is that a Uterus? No, I think it’s the pee hole. Either way, I give mom the “news” and then I get to hear. . . “hers”. She usually, begins by telling me bout Gertrude or Agnes “So and So” – whom, I’m fairly certain I’ve never met, and if I DID, it was probably in passing or during my “Infancy or Toddler Years”. (If that is the case; I can’t be held responsible for actually “remembering” them, CAN I? To be fair, from age 6 months to 3 years, I had “a lot going on” and can’t be expected to put a name with a face. Especially, when I still depended on someone to wipe my butt. . . and tell me MY name.) . . . BUT, she’ll go on and on for about an hour, about how she found the perfect “throw rug”, while bargain shopping with her friend Phyliss (who she’s almost sure I met at my Christening – or was it my Circumcision?) Either way, it would go perfect in the living room of the house we lived in. . . 6 years ago. . . That’s the time MOST people pull out the TMI CARD (Too Much Information) If they didn’t when I said Uterus. . . or pee hole.
But, the point is (I think). . . I need to “scale back” on my NEWS. I’ve recently started to try to make up little Newscasts in my mind to amuse myself. (Seems not watching the news has freed up some spare time) I’ll notice things. Like things in the city where I live. For those that still don’t know. . . Bakersfield, California
 . . . It’s okay. . . no, really. . . I’ll be alright. But, the truth is – I live in town where people. . .JUST . . .DON’T. . . CARE. . . . about ANYTHING.
I mean, you may think that YOU don’t, sometimes and SURE, there’s plenty of apathy out there. . . But let me assure you – Nothing like this place. I’ve told you of the vacuous, soulless, eyes of its citizens. The streets lined with grocery carts. The bums trying to steal identities from welfare check stubs out of people’s trash containers, while collecting cans. . . But, there is one particular feature of this community that I have NOT been able to get used to. If I could make a newscast out of it, I would. Actually, I COULD, but that requires getting the camera out and charging the battery and all that. . . So I’ll TELL you. Actually let me ASK you. . .Do you go to the supermarket in your Pajamas? I’m not talking about running to the “7-11” to grab milk in your house shoes, I mean SHOPPING? I think, unless you’re the recently DEAD Michael Jackson going to court, that pajamas are not meant for public forums. Now I know that, by and large, I certainly don’t “give a rip” about Celebrities doing outlandish, zany or distasteful things. In fact, I EXPECT them to. But you get some 400 pound woman riffling through the “Bargain Bin” at the market: Rollers in hair, in a pair of slippers, knee-high nylons, varicose veins –throbbing and a “barely there” house coat – while I’m just trying to “squeeze” (avoiding any and ALL contact) past her LARGENESS to find food for my family?. . . I forget what I even went in there for. . . Cottage Cheese?. . . No, but thank you for the visual. You see. . . to me, this is Regular People NEWS:
“You know. . . Something really needs to be done down at the grocery store about those Pajama-clad Wildebeests, pilfering dry goods at the entrance at 3PM on a Wednesday. . . Now, back to you in the studio, Bradley. . .”

That’s yet another problem I have with the NEWS. . . I do not like when National Reporters decide they want to “toss it back” to my local anchor people. . . by NAME. Do they really think that I’m going to “buy it”, that they are on a first name basis with these schlubs? Isn’t it MORE likely, that they do NOT frequent the same watering holes and that the National Reporters stand in front of a “green screen” all day “tossing it back” to EVERY SINGLE NAME IMAGINABLE? “Now back to you in the studio. . . Maxamillian Kubacheski. . . “. This alternative makes a lot more sense to me and their little “LIE” doesn’t make the newscast seem any more “authentic” to me. . . so, please discontinue doing this. . . it is annoying me.
While I have you here (unless you’ve stopped reading – and we don’t NEED them. Do we Maxamillian?) I would also plead to Local and National Television News Conglomerates to stop airing any more Mammogram File Footage. I understand that “Breast Cancer Awareness and Prevention” are important. My mother is a 3 year Breast Cancer Survivor. But there’s got be something ELSE they can show. Even if it IS a different woman (I don’t believe it to be) The three-quarter rear view of some lady, hospital gown lowered on one side, arm raised, “creeping up” on one of those machines while the “Boobiologist”
 squishes it in the “X-Ray Vice of Doom” – is growing tiresome. . . Can you “mix things up” a little? Maybe some background dancers? The “Solid Gold Dancers”
would be cool. At least the footage would be more current. There are so many more ways you could handle “boobs”. . . I mean talking about them. . . I mean, nevermind.
I know I can’t COMPLETELY avoid the NEWS. But, I know of people that say they “Don’t Follow” it. You’ve met them haven’t you? For example – that guy that tried to blow up the plane over Detroit on Christmas (concealing a cellophane baggy of powdered, highly explosive “Crotch Tang” in his boxers). I heard the news on the radio, while on my way to pick up some milk at the “7-11”, while wearing a bathrobe. I thought this was the “funniest” news story I’d heard in quite some time and decided to open up a dialogue about it with the next person I came into contact with. When I heard he’d “smuggled” the explosives on board under his clothing, my mind automatically went to his underwear (before I ever HEARD it) THEN, when I heard he’d started a FIRE with it, while it was still under his clothes, I immediately wondered. . . if he’d burnt his “junk” off.
Anyway, the first person I came across, happened to be the cashier at the “7-11” when I stopped to get gas and pick up the milk.

“So what do you think about the guy who tried to blow up the plane?” I asked jovially, preparing to deliver my thoughts on the subject.

“I don’t follow the news,” the attendant replied, his gaze not meeting mine, as he peered over my shoulder at a television broadcasting that very NEWS . . . Live.

“REALLY,” I managed, ” I guess he burnt his crotch off”, leaving the store – unsatisfied by the gas attendant that really doesn’t “Get It”.

. . . See to ME, the only good part of the NEWS is when you add a little something m”Extra” to it, when sharing it with someone else. . . A little “Speculatory Seasoning”, if you will (or even if you won’t). More often than not; when you “make something up” about a NEWS story you’ve heard, read or seen – it automatically makes that story “more interesting” – and in turn, makes YOU “more interesting”. If it turns out, in the end, that your little “fabrication” was “way off base”, you need only say that, “You could swear, you heard that. . . somewhere”. . .OR you can just say that you saw it on FOX NEWS
 or read it in “The Times”.

If I could go back and have had that conversation at the “7-11” again, it might have gone more like this:

“Hey, did you hear about that guy that tried to blow up the plane?”

“No, I don’t follow the news.”

“That’s weird. He said something about your wife and kids and that if you didn’t wire him the money you’ve been saving up to move the rest of your family here to overcharge me 20 cents a gallon for watered-down gas and to say rude things to my wife, when she comes in here without me – that he’d tell everyone you were Al Qaeda -and- that you’ve been taking private flying lessons and spending an awful lot of time at the bus terminal, picking up Greyhound schedules to heavily-populated cities. . . Say, do you have a BROTHER?”

“Would you mind watching the store for a moment. . . Friend?”

“Not at all. . . Take your time. . . “

Of course, if I were ever to run in to him again, I’d obviously apologize for the “misunderstanding” But, I would quickly dismiss my actions as “justified”. . . After all, I saw it. . . on the NEWS. . . somewhere.

(By the way, “this particular” gas station attendant and I don’t EXACTLY see a whole lot of each other in social settings. . . He’s seen me in a bathrobe – and he’s rude to my wife)

The last thing I’d like to mention is the guy that made that Muhammad cartoon almost getting “whacked”, while living in a house (in Denmark) equipped with a “Panic Room” – where he’d been living under armed surveillance, since 2008 – because of a cartoon he put out in 2003. Being a cartoonist myself – and being known to “spin a silly yarn” from time to time I can only say, Somebody, can’t take a joke”. I don’t know, I’d like to think that the majority of those in the Islamic community are a fun-loving people. I wouldn’t mind seeing what they can come up with in the way of an “Islamic Sit-Com” or even an “Islamic Late-Night Variety Show”. . . I may be waiting a while. . . Do they not “get it”?

Sometimes I just wish Mom would call and tell me about a new mole she discovered, while shopping her local craft store for styrofoam balls. . . with her friend Mildred. . . whom I met when I was an embryo. . .


‘Til Then. . . Go Figg’r!

Peace Out – Later

D A N

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