Hillbillies and Hand Grenades



Guns are for idiots. . . No, that isn’t what I wanted to say. People that own guns are idiots. . . hmm. . . that’s not quite right either. People that use guns are idiots. . . Nope. That doesn’t really convey with enough vehemence the point that I am attempting to illustrate; in order that you can better understand my stance on the “Death-Delivering Doodads” that have rendered the world we live in “Intellectually-Neutered”. By GUNS, I do not only mean handguns, shotguns, rifles, pistols and revolvers. I am actually referring to armaments, artillery, munitions and generally, WEAPONRY of any kind. This last week, while I watched the latest coverage on the Ft. Hood Tragedy and read up on the latest to come out of the Orlando Shooting Spree , I couldn’t help but wonder, “What the Hell is Wrong With People?” Then I sat down and contemplated a little bit more of our “plight”. The News Channels also kept us all “up to date” on the latest happenings involving the upcoming trial of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed . Then my thoughts inevitably returned to the events surrounding September 11th, 2001 . In turn, I began to think of man’s use of weapons, guns and various forms of “Murderous Mayhem”. They have a long and sordid history. . . But let’s start with me. . .

Don’t get me wrong. I was raised with “Country and Mountain Folk” . The Midwest is filled to the rafters with people who hunt, shoot and destroy. . . In my younger days I LOVED it. I enjoy blowing things up . I DON’T, however, enjoy killing. After blowing the head off of about the 17th rabbit, while hunting through the hills in Southeast Iowa, at age 12 or so, I kind of lost my “taste” for the KILL . First of all, if you hunt a bunny with a 12 gauge, there typically isn’t a whole lot of “meat” left. (But if deep-fried – it is salvageable) Secondly, the cousins or “Country Bumpkins” that accompany you on your DEATH HUNT generally expect you to “skin” and “gut” the thing. (Also, the reason I hate fishing – PLUS, I hate seafood – it stinks) Lastly, when you get to the final “eating” portion of the whole thing there is about 2 ounces of meat, and most of it is filled with little metal bits (buckshot). I was never really good at getting those things out. I think it takes a special “touch”. I’m certain I will neither acquire that touch or ever partake in an activity that requires having it. Unless for some reason I am put in charge of administering a “field dressing” during a war, while assisting the wounded. I guess, like the rest of the Midwest, I could keep a big stockpile of munitions in every room in my house and just. . . WAIT. . . Something tells me I won’t.
Now before the Animal Rights folks jump my ass (there second favorite activity – the first being to irritate me), I’d like to say. . . DON’T. I don’t want to get into it with you . . . again. . . As a matter of fact, I am going to start my own organization: P*A*D*Pets Against Domestication, and be done with it. . . You people annoy me. . . NEXT. . .

This isn’t about your Grandpa’s old 12 gauge, that’s been handed down from generation to generation and if stored legally, properly and safely is dismantled and in 13 different locations in your home. (The ammunition being held in a safe-deposit box at some bank that has changed names 15 times since you were last inside). It might be more about your Grandma’s little snub-nose revolver, that she used to keep under her pillow at night when your Grandpa was out of town on “business”. A revolver that has since changed hands and owners 18 different times, since it was in “Nana’s” posession and has been used in approximately 127 felonies, 12 misdemeanors and ONCE, as a toddler’s teething toy (this is just random footage I found-unrelated, I’m sure) . . . But, we could never know that FOR SURE (About Nana’s gun, NOT the “Cruise” clip). Chances are the revolver no longer has any identifiable markings on it and the serial number was removed by the guy who “knocked off” the convenience store in El Paso during the Reagan Administration . (’81 to ’89), unless you’re from California then it is known as BD and BS – Before Davis and Before Schwarz. . . actually I think BS just means B.S.
I understand that I am throwing a lot of statistics and numbers at you. I am sorry if this is all too confusing. But if you recall, in my last bit, I said pay “no mind” to fictional numbers. Believe me. . . THEY ARE. . . this isn’t a Term Paper. (and I know that Mr. Cruise didn’t “knock off” a convenience store – but he does look homicidal in the clip. . . right?)
The truth is. . . we can’t blame ALL of our World’s Problems on Guns and Weapons. . . But they sure as hell don’t seem to HELP SOLVE any of them. I understand that there were (and are) many brave men and women, that have died for our liberties here in the USA and abroad, over the hundreds of years since this Great Nation’s inception. I am indeed grateful . . . But we’re talking about NOW. I think it has been proven that it doesn’t have to be GUNS in the hands of someone EVIL, that can be used for mayhem and chaos. PLANES in the hands of the wrong people can be CRIPPLING. . . But fortunately for the US, we have the will and fortitude of a Sturdy and Resilient bunch. Would I like Bin Laden dead ? Sure I would. . . But I want it to be s-l-o-w. There ARE people out there that do NOT deserve to walk the planet, like the rest of us. HE would be such a MONSTER . I would much rather pound his head in with a rock (a dull,flat one) than just SHOOT him and end it much too quickly. But we are talking about retribution now and something that I don’t think we should be in the business of. . . I’m NOT a peace loving Hippie. . . though there’s nothing wrong with those – in my book (which is what you’re reading, so DEAL with it) I just think that if Cain had the opportunity to blow Abel’s head off with a 9mm instead of bashing him in the head with a rock, he probably would have opted for the “piece”. (The Bible doesn’t actually say HOW he did it, but I think you know it wasn’t the glock) So why is it the basest (and basis) of Men to DESTROY one another? I don’t understand War, Weapons . . . or GUNS. But we have them ALL. . . They EXIST. . . We can’t UN-INVENT them. So what’s the answer? GUN “CONTROL”? That is the biggest oxymoron ever.
I really don’t have any proposals. I just thought I’d open the floor to more “pointless debate and hyperbole”. There’s nothing that gets me going more than to hear some politicians in a “meaningless” debate with yet another member of the NRA . An organization that makes me feel about as “warm and fuzzy” as the 17 rabbits I “murdered” in my youth. (for the record, I was pardoned by Governor Terry Branstad in 1983) Can we just work it out in a sporting event? . . . Nope. . . seems athletes get picked up on weapons charges about as often as Celebrities nowadays. Why can’t we just “duke it out”? A little fisticuffs, when it becomes clear that two opposing views will never be seeing “eye to eye” and will more than likely resort to “eye FOR and eye” . That probably won’t work either. We’d also need a WEAPON.
So what constitutes a WEAPON? Something that can “bludgeon”? Even though I tend to like the word bludgeon. It sounds rather benign and almost passive. Like “Pigeon” . Could a pigeon be a “Lethal Weapon” ? I would argue, that in the wrong hands. . . it could. I think just about any inanimate object in the world could be used to “Bring on the Pain”. (Not in a good way – apparently there IS one) They say that, “Guns Don’t Kill People. People Kill People”. Fair enough, but people with guns are probably more likely to jack somebody’s car and murder someone than a guy with a pigeon. I find it difficult (though not impossible) to visualize a Breaking News Report on some guy walking into an office building with a birdcage in tow, dressed in his “Army Surplus Sunday Best” . (let’s pretend)

Fake Fox News Report (as opposed to the truthful ones, that I am so accustomed to them producing)

Anchor: “We have this report Live from Notanoogie Plaza. . . What have you learned about the attack Stew?”

Reporter: “Yeah. . . how’s my hair? . . . are we Live?. . . okay, uh, well Chip it seems he was laid off 6 months ago from the mailroom for unstable Postage-Metering Practices. Without any warning to anyone (the neighbors always called him a “quiet man”) he decided to “Uncoop the Poop” and unleashed a barrage of Pigeon crap on his former coworkers and some lady delivering sandwiches for lunch. The likes of which has never been seen in recorded “Bird Droppings” History. . . Back to you Chip. . .
Okay, I said it wasn’t “impossible” to visualize. (that’s why I get the BIG BUCKS)

All Seriousness Aside. . .

We are SO Lazy as a Society that we have decided (I’m thinking sometime in the 70’s), that we would just as soon SHOOT SOMEONE IN THE FACE, than try to work something out with someone. The CRIMINALS have ALWAYS been Criminals , but now they are more HEAVILY-ARMED Criminals . So how do we answer that challenge? More GUNS? People trying to get concealed weapons permits? WHY? So when you get all “effed-up” at the “Cheatin’ Heart Saloon” and some guy tries to get you to take a cab home instead of driving your “Pick-em-up” Truck, you can blame the guy for hittin’ on your toothless girlfriend and proceed to “Permanently” part the guys hair down the middle with your 6-shooter ? NO THANKS. . . AGAIN. . . that means that NO “Thank You” would be issued in that hypothetical scenario. . . “They” are always arguing on whether or not to shorten the time needed to wait to purchase a gun. . . WHY? Who the hell needs a gun. . . RIGHT NOW!? If they need one that bad, they probably need time to think about what they are going to do with it. . . or “Sober Up”. To me, that just sounds like the “Gunslingers of the OLD WEST” filing down the sites on the pistols to get a “quicker drop” on the other guy. (Of course, I’ve seen a LOT of violent movies. . . and some Westerns ) If you are THAT intent on shooting someone, come over to “My” house, so I can bash you in the head with a rock.
Really quickly, I want to touch on the recent events in the US. Just a day apart in their occurrence, but a MILE apart in the way they were reported. The tragedies in Ft. Hood and Orlando, Florida. Though the one in Ft. Hood, has had far more press coverage and obviously more injuries and casualties, they are (in my view) equally heart-breaking. The fact is the Orlando incident had the potential to be far worse, but luckily was not. But in the case of the Ft. Hood shootings, the gunmen was . . . MUSLIM. There has been an outcry in our nation, about our community’s Muslim population. Probably more accurate, is the call for keeping a more “mindful eye” on those of that particular faith. 9/11 notwithstanding, the US has been keeping and “eye” on them for several years. I don’t blame Muslims. I blame well-organized, delusional, homicidal Muslims who happened to take it upon themselves to take the lives of innocent people. You don’t see Lutherans strapping bombs to themselves and “taking out” a Disco. Or the Amish, driving a suicide “Buggy-Bomb” into a crowded shopping mall. The Amish don’t drive cars. Those that “ride” in cars, pay the people to drive them. I don’t see them talking any of the old “Country or Mountain Folk” , I grew up around, driving them into “Oblivion”. . . Maybe to a Craft Store for some “non-brass” buttons or something, but not the whole “bombing” thing. Some of the biggest and bloodiest battles of all time have been related to Religion, in some way or another, but that doesn’t make it RIGHT. . .
People are going to continue killing one another until the end of time. Nothing I, or anybody, can say is going to change that. There will always be BAD GUYS. There will always be GOOD GUYS. I’m not so sure the line between the two doesn’t seem a little confusing sometimes. But there, as always, seems to be an innate NEED between to disagreeing parties to be RIGHT. Apparently NO ONE can agree that there are “shades of gray”. . . I SAY It’s NOT always “Cut and Dry” or “Black and White”. Yet, there never seems to be anything closely resembling Compromise or a reasonable facsimile thereof. There is no such thing as GUN “CONTROL” , because there will always be idiots out there with access to them. There will always be EVIL people out there providing them with the means and misguided motives and opportunities with which to use them.
Before people point fingers and blame RELIGION for the motives of CRAZY people, they need to keep an eye on their “quiet neighbor”. They need to check inside themselves. . . What motivates YOU? Is it always “Cut and Dry”? Is it always “Black and White”? . . . Do you have an extensive “Rock Collection”? If so, can I use it the next time I feel the need to have a serious “heart to heart” with someone that pisses me off so badly, I want to shoot them in the face? . . . I didn’t say that I’ve never WANTED to shoot anyone. I would just prefer “bludgeoning”. It seems like it would be a lot more satisfying. . .
But from someone that grew up around guns and those that still enjoy their “fair share” of Weaponry? I think I prefer to leave guns in the hands of those that NEED them. . . Actors . . . but that’s a whole DIFFERENT “bit”. . . But I WOULD like to give a “Shout Out” (did I do that right?) and point to one of the best (and funniest) scenes in fairly recent “Cinematic History” (circa 1995) The scene is the FINAL FIGHT SCENE in the movie FRIDAY. Just because the actors in the film are African American, does NOT mean that this isn’t a problem in ALL OF OUR WORLD’S. They didn’t sell out. . . They made a statement. . .With my apologies to David Bowie, Ice Cube and DJ Pooh. . . (the language is a little “colorful”-sorry, mom!)
(This is Gun Control to Uncle Tom)

I’ll just leave it to my “cousins” back in the Midwest to go fishin’ and huntin’. . . the “Old Fashioned” way. . . I’ve got a Sam’s Club Membership . . . I’ve got my rocks . . . and a Pigeon.

‘Til Then. . . Go Figg’r!

Peace Out – Later

D A N
P.S. The visual embodiment of “Hillbillies with Weapons” were supplied by (in this instance) Levi Johnston and Sarah Palin. You are free to plug in any other “GunToting Mentally-Deficient Monkeys” you choose. “I” chose these chuckleheads. As far as my references to Mr. Cruise? . . I know he only believes in “Laser Guns” – so go save the Planet, Tommy! . . .By the way NONE of these folks should either be handling weapons OR children. . .thanks – danof89

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