No Time for "Tom Foolery or Shane Annigens"

I have been wrestling over the last year on whether or not to pen my memoirs. But, since I am nobody of any great importance, I decided to “blog” instead. I have a lot of projects like that. Things I’ve started, even if only by “thinking” about doing them. Lets face it, a lot of us would get a lot more things accomplished in life, if we’d do more than just “think” about doing them. Though, I tend to give myself a pat on the back for just contemplating doing things. I think that positive reinforcement is important for good mental health. If I left it up to someone else (and apparently everyone has their hands full with something else), I would be Stark Raving “MAD” , instead of just a little “off”. It requires so much more time and effort to “Get Things Done”, don’t you think? In fact, I look at a lot of those out there in the hustle and bustle of todays hectic world and wonder how anybody is getting anything done? Is it a gift or something?

I’d say that I have a lot of “projects” like that. Something, in my mind’s eye, that has the potential to be something that would make people want to stop getting all of “their” things done, just long enough to take a look at what I’ve been “up to”. It is a tad bit humbling when reality sinks in. It’s like when you said, “Hey Look Ma!. . No Hands!”, while riding a bike as a kid, only to get her acknowledgment of your stupidity, turn her back, and fail to see you’ve taken a “header”flying face first into a parked car. Then you end up getting the attention that you’d so desperately craved. Only this time it takes the form of your mom cleaning up your scrapes, cuts and bruises and swearing at your dad for not fixing your training wheel for 3 months and letting you drive around in a perpetual “Lean of Death” until the inevitable happened. “He was bound to run into something!” Well, I guess I just accidentally revealed Chapter 2 in my memoirs. . .

No matter. . . what I’m REALLY getting at is that I have little “things” laying around our home in various stages of completion (or incompletion) that I fully ‘intend’ to share with the world. I don’t have any other part of my life in which that is replicated. I do not have any home-repair projects sitting around unfinished. I don’t have a car covered in primer, waiting for me to either go to Maaco or finish off the paint job in my driveway with 49 cans of spray paint, so I can “Save a Little Money”. (In hindsight, it costs about $16 more to do that, the car looks like crap and you always look like you’re driving to a Yard Sale – or so I’ve heard). The reason I don’t have any “home improvement” projects sitting around half-finished is because I don’t really have my sights set on being the next Bob Villa or Ty Pennington . I don’t tend to take on any challenges that require me to think with the “man-side” of my brain. Why? Because, I made a coffee table, a bowl and an ‘office set’ in wood shop in 10th grade and I think that pretty much satisfied any desire or “guy-type prerequisite” I had to be “handy”. No, I think I’ll pay people that know what they are doing the necessary and outrageous sums of money required to get a job done. I don’t even like putting my kids toys together at Christmas. Not because I don’t enjoy the satisfaction of the time spent with one of my kids putting together something that will give them endless HOUR (singular) of enjoyment before it is cast aside as outdated, stupid or at the very least a horrific choice in gifts. No, you can’t put a price tag on that kind of “quality time”. The problem I seem to have is that (a) I can’t read Chinese or Spanish instructions (b) I don’t have a whole lot in the way of ‘Tools’ laying around the house and (c) I would much rather purchase something pre-assembled and save us all the arguing, frustration and 12 hours spent on our hands and knees looking for a nut or bolt that ‘most-assuredly’ was NOT included in any of the 36 assembly packets; inside of razor sharp ‘blister packaging’ that not only cuts you and your children, but also probably wasted all of the life-saving plasma you were going to sell to try to recoup the money wasted on such a foolish expenditure. I think someone should have given the consumer a “heads up” when they decided to release dangerous packaging to begin with. Although, I think they may have been giving us a clue. . . “Blister Pack”. I mean, I guess they could have called it “Gaping Wound Pack” or “This is Gonna’ Hurt for Weeks Pack”, but they didn’t . . . I hate packaging people.

All Seriousness Aside. . .
I’ve put quite a number of these little “projects” on my shelves to collect dust. In fact, the shelves themselves are collecting dust. I’m not really good at keeping my workspace clean either. Just another in the list of things I will eventually get around to doing. I don’t work on my projects in filth, mind you. I just happen to think that if my area looks a little cluttered, that it will seem as if I’m getting a lot more “accomplished”. Nobody seems to buy into that rationale around here either, but it makes me feel better. It’s almost like when I decide to “unearth something” from it’s dusty tomb, (Say an unfinished manuscript for a sitcom), that has been laying around for almost a year, that I’ve found a TREASURE. “Oh, Look Hon’ “, I’ll say to my wife, “I found the lost pages of ‘Burnt Toast’. “Uh, huh,” she’ll say, almost pretending to know what I’m actually talking about. Then I’ll spend the better part of whatever day I rediscovered this Entertainment Gold Mine, trying to figure out how I am going to present this to a Major Television Network, Cable Network or Motion Picture Studio. In the end, after hours of staring at the manuscript, I usually realize why it wasn’t really going to work to begin with, remember that I have no access to any of these ‘Networks’ and if I did, they’d take a look at my idea and laugh (but, not in the way I’d intended).
By the way, ‘Burnt Toast’ was indeed an idea I had for a sitcom. Though, I’ve not seen the script laying around anywhere for a very long time. It was my idea for a new Family Show (or cartoon-anymore,they’re one in the same). The story, (as best I can remember), revolved around 2 college friends that decide to live together again as roommates about 10 or so years after graduation. One of them is a divorcee and recovering alcoholic . The other is an out-of-work advertising executive (who happens to be gay) . They find themselves thrust into this living arrangement, when they bump into one another at the laundromat. Because of their financial situations, they decide that living together might be the key to some of their economic woes. The “ad man” decides it would be a great opportunity if he uses his business contacts to start his own Promotional Agency and to hire his new roommate as a consultant. They get their first “job” when hired to come up with a TOY for an “Anti-Drug Campaign”. The “divorcee-alcoholic” comes up with the perfect name for the campaign’s “Mascots”. A Cat and Dog Team (ala Ren and Stimpy ) called “Ruffie and Ludes”. . .

That is why a lot of my stuff is still unfinished. . . Believe me ‘Comedy Bedlam’ ensues, when the new “characters” (Ruffie & Ludes) become a smash hit in the “Clubbing World”. The scene where they present the characters as toys, practically puts someone’s ‘eye out’. It gets really good, when they are left a lot of money by one of the guy’s (don’t know which one’s) grandfather when he dies, with the condition that they “Do Something Good” with the money AND become guardians of 3 little kids. (Now I’m just messing with you). I wanted to see if I could get The Office, My Two Dads, Duck Factory, Will & Grace, Bosom Buddies, Big and Brewster’s Millions all in one ‘Pitch’. . . Mission Accomplished .
So. . . it looks like I got something done today. . . Kind of. . . The ‘Burnt Toast’ pitch was for real, but I got a little carried away with the story line. It took me a while to come up with the names for the characters of this story. I’ll let you come up with your own theories on how I came up with the title of the ‘show’. . . What? Do I have to do everything around here? I thought the perfect name for the two guys could be “Tom Foolery” and “Shane Annigens”. . . Get it? I didn’t think so. . .
So now I’m trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my day. I suppose I could start packing. We are getting ready to move across town to a “Unique Fixer-Upper Opportunity” . Unfortunately, I don’t think the tools I DO have are going to ‘make the move’. I think I may have inadvertently stowed them away somewhere in a “Blister Pack”. Ouch! So for right now, I’m thinkin’ I don’t have a whole lot of time for Tom Foolery or Shane Annigens. . .

‘Til Later. . . Go Figg’r!

Peace Out – Later

A special thanks to Mr. Tom Hanks. Sometimes I don’t realize that I get “keyed” on an actors work, until after I finish one of these. Bravo on the “Trifecta”.
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