Rated Hallo’Tween’ – Why I HATE Paris in the Fall

It is almost upon us. . . Halloween 2009. I see it in the Stores. I see it in Television. I can see it all over the Media. It was just announced, in fact, that Paris Hilton has decided to dress up like a “whore” this year. She seems so happy. Like this is her excuse to really “Let Loose” this year. Congratulations Ms. Hilton, I’m sure the parents of many teenage girls are clamoring to various Hallmark Gold Crown Stores nationwide, to find ‘just the right’ Shoe Box Greeting (with the old woman wearing a visor on the front) that says, “Thank You Paris, You Are Spectacular. . . and that’s HOT !” I just want to know who decided that she was going to corner the market on ‘Empty-Headed Slut’? But there she is. . . in all of her annoying glory, Time and Wretched Time Again. Actually, I think that any parents of Teenage girls, who find their kids choosing Paris Hilton as a role-model, should probably be taken to what used to be Guantanamo Bay for a little Shuffle Board. . . Minus the Shuffle. . . Just add Water . No, I think that teenage girls of today should focus their attention on a ‘New Breed’ of CELEBRITY Role Model. There seems to be a crop of up-and-coming Starlets that are eager to take the helm and provide our girls with something to really emulate. (I think, my tongue just went ‘clean through’ my cheek) It’s a beautiful thing, because I’m noticing it more and more since my oldest daughter just turned 12. There are the new Heavy Hitters: Like Miley “I Don’t Tweet Anymore, So My Ex Will Pay Attention To Me” Cyrus. There is Vanessa “My Career is Virtually Over, So I’m Gonna’ Become a ‘Ho” Hudgens. There are even “OLD” favorites like Lyndsay “Have you Seen My Clothing Line? No? How about my ‘CRANK’? I’m a GODDESS” Lohan and Britney “Nothin’ Says I’m Off the Hook Like a Jacked-Up Lohan” Spears. It is a very scary time for young females. That is why this fits in so perfectly with Hallo’Tween’, fast approaching. I don’t like having to explain to my daughters that not all “Women” think it’s okay to be a whore on Halloween. “Tween” girls need to know that it’s okay to “be a lady” or a “ladybug” on Hallow’Tween’.

I’d like to try a diversionary tactic (on myself). Something that will get “our” (my) “minds” (mind) off of what I consider to be one of the biggest wastes of space ever to have been “hatched”.(Sorry Rick and Kathy. . .no, REALLY) Since we can’t undue the damage done by the birth of Ms. Hilton, we can at least enjoy her death. (Oh, and a few others-Halloween is coming. If she can use it as an excuse to look “a little more” like a prostitute every year, then I can use it as an excuse to watch her receive a fatal head trauma-once a year). I’d like to share some of what I consider to be the TOP HORROR MOVIE MOMENTS OF ALL TIME (actually, just horror movie scenes I’m thinking about right now, because I’m bored) I think I’ll start with Paris Getting her “Come-Uppin’s”. I was happy to see her die on film and actually watched the scene several times, at varied speeds and in reverse “frame-by-frame”. This isn’t Number One, but when I see her ‘Pictures’ plastered all over everywhere, because she needs to grab the spotlight before her ‘Horse Face’ completely overshadows a moderately average “chassis”, I feel this is a little “Fantasy Retribution”. I think instead of seeing her ‘Picture’ Plastered everywhere, we should see her head plastered everywhere. (figuratively and ‘latex’ly speaking)

Warning: Some of the Scenes Shown in the Following are of a Violent, Though Usually Funny Nature. Please Be Advised that if You Have kids around, or are My Mother, You might Want to Skip This Part. I’ll See You At the Next “Bit”. Thank You – danof89

# 10 Paris Pays the Piper in “House of Wax”
(For the record, I don’t want Paris DEAD, so much as I want her GONE) There was just something a little “extra” satisfying about that movie. The others are just ones I consider cool, funny, scary or just outright GOOD. This is NOT a list of my Favorites. Merely, a random few moments I want to share before Hallow’Tween’ arrives . . . Enjoy:

# 9 “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”: Death of Pee Wee – Definitely NOT a Horror Movie per se, but where else would you put Buffy the Vampire Slayer? At the very least it was a Vampire Movie, so I think it should count. It was definitely better than “Twilight”. At any rate, the scene with Pee Wee “Paul Ruebens” Herman taking a stake in the heart is Genuine Joy. Rutger Hauer was perfectly cast as the Lead Creepy Vampire. He was also awesome in the original “Hitcher” , with C. Thomas Howell. No, the semi pulling the lady apart isn’t on this list. (Also, in case I haven’t shared it, Pee Wee Herman is making a comeback. He is currently in talks for a return to the big screen. Guess he was tired of the theaters he’d been “hanging out” in the last 13 years)

#8 “Lost Boys”: Kiefer Sutherland Dies – In my mind, probably the single best Vampire Movie ever made. The scene with David fighting Michael, although short-“lived” was a lot of fun. It was actually more dramatic than the one where the True Head Vampire was destroyed. Although, you’ve got to Love Grandpa and that horn. The Last Words and Scene in that Movie were wonderfully conceived and will forever hold a place in my mental roladex under “NICE”.

#7 “Midnight Meat Train”: Check Out the ‘Visuals’ – A disgusting little movie from Wes Craven. He is undoubtedly one of my favorite ‘Horror Artists’, but I found this film unecessarily gratuitous in the “Graphic Violence” Department. The only way I actually happened upon this gem, was because my 18 year old son (17 at the time) convinced me to watch it on a Free Movies-on-Demand Promotion, when his mom wasn’t home. He insisted it was Rated TV 14, but I assure you after I saw the “Eye-Popping” Events unfold in this one, I immediately found an episode of Full House on, before “Mom” got home.

#6 “Sweeney Todd”: Yes, Johnny Depp Can Sing Too. Now, Get Over It! – A Surprisingly (to me) enjoyable film. Also probably not exactly in the Horror Genre, but when Tim Burton puts something together, I shouldn’t be ‘that surprised’. It was a dark film with an Anti-Hero for the Ages . Though, I predicted the conclusion with no former knowledge of the storyline, it was still a satisfying romp through the Fleet Streets of London. The Demon Barber delivers one delightfully demented shave and a haircut after another, Leaving us with more than “Two Bits”. In fact, ‘the bits’ are a welcome source of new income in London’s “stagnant” and “overly-ripeeconomy.

#5 “Nightmare on Elm Street”: Freddy Can You Hear Me? – Actually, ANY of the 32 of the films made in this franchise scores high on my MUST SEE Hallo’Tween’ List. Freddy Krueger was one of only a handfew of enduring Horror Icons, that will never be duplicated. Although, they are attempting to do so very soon when the “Reboot” (another term that doesn’t need to exist, though I just used it – so, whatever) comes to a theater near you in April of next year. I just don’t like ANYONE trying to fill the razor-fingered glove of Robert Englund. Especially, when the hand filling it used to fill a glove worn by a “Bad News Bear” . Jackie Earl Haley , looks like Billy Bob Thornton did when everyone thought he had AIDS. And What’s with the name? John Wayne Gacy and David Richard Berkowitz were taken? Did they just choose someone that “sounded” like a serial killer? Heck, they should have just picked Billy Bob and been done with it. (or Maybe Courtney Thorne Smith)

#4 “Wrong Turn”: It was Late . . .This Was On – To be honest, the only thing I really remember about this movie is that someone ‘took one’. (a wrong turn) I think, I remember Hillbilly Cannibals in it. But, I certainly remember the scene where the ‘Loonie’ threw a hatchet and chopped a girl’s head in two. Not for the squeemish, but definitely worth the price of admission and a good old-fashioned, “Oh, MAN, that was SICK!” Good Time.

#3 “Dead Alive”: Lord of the Stop Action – The beginning of this movie is hilarious . There is a Rabid RatMonkey, that bites and subsequently infects this guys mother, turning her into a giant (and I mean GIANT) Zombie Creature. I remember when I rented this, I thought it would be a lot of fun. Especially, when on the back of the ‘box’ it was being billed as the “Goriest Film of All Time”. Never mind, that Peter Jackson, was the film’s Director. He did Lord of The Rings, Right? Whatever. . . The claymation RatMonkey could kick Bilbo’s Ass. The final scene when our “Hero” kills a foyer of Zombies with a lawn mower, is priceless. I especially enjoyed the organs that crawl around on the ground after they’ve been unceremoniously “removed” from their zombie owners (a stomach oozes around farting). Juicy and Wonderful.

#2 “The Evil Dead”: Kiss My Ash– A Sam Raimi Classic. I Love following the Adventures of Ash. In fact, I think Ash and I are a lot alike. He works at his father’s Home Furnishing Store and I am a Connoisseur of LayZBoy Home furnishings. That might be where the similarities end. I’ve never had his trouble with Zombies. Evil Dead 2 – Army of Darkness is also a campy delight. The battle scene with the Army of Zombies is like nothing I’ve ever seen. Well there was that Sinbad Movie. Oh and Clash of the Titans. But This was SUPPOSED to be funny.

#1 “Pet Semetary”: I Never Met a Cat I Ever Liked – I have never wished harm on a two-year old. But the character of “GAGE” in this movie, made me take a long, hard look at myself. When the end inevitably DOES come for this little “Stewie-Meets-Satan”, it’s actually fairly comical. I’ve also NEVER found cats to be a positive part of my every day routine and “Church” helped to cement my unyielding avoidance of anything Feline-related. I LOVE that they cast Herman Munster in the role of the old guy from across the ‘busy’ road. In terms of Stephen King Books-turned-Movies, this ranks in my Top 5. I won’t tell you the other 4, because Hallow’Tween’ isn’t quite here yet, and though you think I must be terribly desperate for material NOW. . .well the month ain’t over friends.

So did that HELP anyone besides me? I really don’t like hearing about Paris and what she’s going to be wearing to “Hef’s Playboy Mansion Halloween Extravaganza”. Not, because I’m jealous. Well not of Hef. Not of Her. . . of the Guests. Because I hear he has really good food there. But I don’t like explaining to my ‘kids’ that Society embraces the ‘Ho’s of this world, because Society apparently has nothing better to do with its time. We are at that weird time of the year, before Christmas when Society isn’t writing checks to Unicef or giving to the Red Cross. I just thought I’d give us all a chance to take a deep breath and look at some Fun Halloween Nastiness. Before Paris decides to show the world her fun Hallow’Tween’ Nastiness. I Hate Paris in the Fall. . .

‘Til Then. . . Go Figg’r!

Peace Out – Later



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