"Don’t Sweat the Scary Stuff. . . And It’s ALL Scary Stuff"


My Family is big on Halloween. . . HUGE. In fact, before I came along with my “ultra-conservative, preacher’s kid ways”, I’d say my family was into it REAL BIG TIME. Yeah, it was that Scary. No I didn’t marry into a coven of witches, there were no altars or idols to “Zuul” . It was just something so ingrained in my family’s “essence”, that Halloween, was really an ‘everyday’ kind of thing. “What are you doing today?” my wife would ask one of the kids. “I don’t know. I was thinking of carving some Jack-o-Lanterns“, replied one of my kids. (This would typically occur at any time from January through early April) It has toned down a little since I came aboard. We no longer live in a Pagan Pleasure Palace . Well, I’m not being completely honest. . . I’m not ultra-conservative and it’s actually a little more like Satan’s Slumber Party . . . Massacre . (still kidding. . . Mom, put the phone down). We like “The Halloween” around these-here parts, more than a typical family. But as a lot of you know, we’re not exactly typical. But who do you think you are judging us to begin with? No Matter, Halloween is the only Holiday that I personally believe is and should be Commercialized, to it’s full potential. Do it up RIGHT, I say! Everything else that constitutes a Holiday nowadays seems to be just another reason to guilt us into spending money. Halloween, on the other hand, hides behind no false pretenses. There is no “hidden meaning”. Unless, you are one who believes in its ‘TRUE ORIGIN’ and “celebrates” accordingly. If you are, I’m sorry, this bit isn’t for you. This one is about the ‘kiddies’ . I choose to remember the dead on Memorial Day or when I drive by a funeral home or cemetary. And, I’ll have another entry coming for you, before the “blessed” day actually arrives. Equal time, I can assure you. . . Shall I go on? (I’m going to anyway)
I Love Halloween. In fact, next to Christmas , Thanksgiving, Easter, Arbor Day , Cesar Chavez Day, Candaleria Day, Hanukkah , Kwanzaa and Festivus , it is my favorite Holiday. (Do not be offended by my list. I was trying to be all-inclusive. I know I left out Eid-Al-Adha, Vaisakhi and others. But this is a Halloween bit, and to be honest, those Holiday Names SCARE me – they sound like Star Trek Villains .) I know that we are about a month away from ALL HALLOWS EVE, but in my house, the party preparations have already begun. I can’t believe how “jazzed” my wife and kids get for this thing. (this from the guy that gets excited when I find loose change in the dryer) But I’m starting to think that my 5 year old daughter is feigning interest so that she doesn’t feel “left out” during our annual ‘Freak Show’. Don’t get me wrong, she definitely wants to ‘break her off a piece of that “Kit Kat” bar’. She LOVES candy(WAAAY too much) When she doesn’t have candy, for any length of time, she becomes listless and is prone to stabbing one of us in the throat with whatever is “handy”. Yeah, it can be SCARY. I have Dr. Drew’s home number, but I think I’m going to hold on to that for another problem we’re ‘dealing’ with. (Also SCARY)
But. . .
My daughter also enjoys dressing up. She typically chooses Batman or Spiderman (every year) much to her mother’s annoyance, who’s still convinced I am trying to turn her into a “boy”. I explain that not only is this impossible (until she is at the legal age for consent and then it’s just gross ), but I wouldn’t want to turn her into a “nasty and filthy” boy. (coincidentally, also her mother’s ‘pet adjectives’ for me-usually followed by dumbass) I agree. Boys are EVIL and Boys are SCARY. My girls won’t be dating for at least 20 years. I don’t even need to buy a gun cabinet to show off to potential ‘suitors’-let alone an actual gun. Guns SCARE me. (But that’s yet another blog, for another day). Yes, I’m still getting to the point. . . It’s not my fault my daughter likes “boy’s stuff” more than “girl’s stuff”. Why wouldn’t she? Girl’s stuff is for wussies . Who would want to play with dolls, when there are Action Figures out there begging to assist children in commencing with various forms of “blood-letting”? I don’t push Boy’s Toys or ideas on her. She watches TV and Toy commercials just like most kids. (Except those raised by parents who have them enrolled in ‘High-Falootin’ Pre-Preschools that rob them of their childhoods in a desperate attempt to make up for their own deficiencies and failures as adults). It’s Okay to want the best for your kids, but let them be. . .KIDS. (You SCARE me)
All Seriousness Aside. . .
My daughter watches TV. Mind-numbing and potentially harmful amounts, in fact. She sees every commercial and doesn’t discriminate when deciding which products she feels she Cannot Live Without. ‘Sham Wow’ ? Wants it. ‘Mercedes Benz’ ? Wants it. ‘Hannah Montana’s Easy Bake Oven and Bubble-Blowing, Fairy-Diapering and Blendy-Penning Crystal Barbie Pet Shop Emporium’? Has it. So when she wants a Spiderman or Batman costume for Halloween. . . Well, let’s just say I have no idea how they find their way into the shopping cart at WALMART , when the wife sends me for a garden hose. . . Honest. No, my daughter loves everything bout Halloween. THE COSTUMES, THE CANDY, THE GAMES, THE CANDY (and the candy). She likes almost everything about it. . . except the SCARY. She wants absolutely NOTHING to do with anything that goes “Bump in the Night”. If we walk into a “store” (this means WALMART -We don’t do “the mall”-except when killing someone for an item is not a viable option)-and the store is displaying any potentially scary-type Halloween decorations, it can be quite a scene. To avoid any unpleasantries during one of these visits, she will walk at my side, peering around my legs to make sure nothing is going to “Get Her”. I try, as best I can , to assure her that “rubber skeletons” and “plastic witches” will not snatch her up and take her to the “Girl Part of the Toy Aisle” , forcing me to purchase another ‘Tinker Bell & Friends Hair Extension and Personal Grooming Kit with Glitter Glue Attachment’.
By the way, “Glitter Glue” is one of the most unnecessary children’s recreational implements ever conceived by someone who obviously has no children. I find this product not only potentially Hazardous and SCARY, but I feel the need to place it in my “What Were They Thinking?” Hall of Shame. We just finished a new wing next to the Kanye West and Sea Monkeys exhibit. (incidentally, you can view this display until the beginning of November-when it will be replaced by a Holiday Tribute to Michael Jackson’s Doctor and Moonsand – ooh, still too soon?. . . You’re right, not enough parents know about the evils of Moonsand). But Because of Glitter Glue we can be assured that our carpet and walls will be introduced to Orange and Black works of “Sparkly Art” from now, until the day I can say. . . It’s over. But in my house, Halloween is “where it’s at”, Like it or not. I’m so glad they don’t make Moonsand in Orange and Black. . . wait a sec. . . my wife says they do. Nevermind. Looks like I’ll be renting a Rug Doctor again this year. (said rental, tentatively set for November 1st)
I actually kind of like my little girl still being a little “spooked” by Silly Stuff. Not to try to keep her “Daddy’s Little Girl” , but to keep her ‘acting her age’. There’s no need to rush it. I see a lot of SCARY stuff nowadays. Not just in our House of Horrors, but across the world. Children becoming desensitized by the media and entertainment with their parents so unaware of what is “fueling their children’s minds” that all they can do is sit in the corner of their lavish homes – thumbs firmly up their collective butts-planning their kids’ college education, before they’re done crapping their diapers.(the kids, not the parents. We’re having kids later in life nowadays and the parents may very well already be crapping their diapers) I DO watch what my kids take in on Halloween, besides ungodly amounts of glucose. It is none of my business what people do to shape their children’s minds in order to live vicariously through them or to exorcise their own demons and make their kids live a life by a schedule, under the gun and with little room for “fear” of any kind. Take them to the park. Go Bowling or Roller Skating. Live in a perpetually continuous state of Halloween-ness. But the second I see a hand-painted, small animal “skull collection” in your back yard (I look over your fence when you’re at the Country Club) or when I see a Dry Ice Truck backing into your driveway, I’m calling the cops. Yeah, we use dry ice year-round, but ours is purchased for science projects and Halloween-related Theatrical ‘events’. You guys need someone keeping an eye on you. Freaky. We celebrate at home. My kids don’t do the Trick-or-Treating door to door anymore. Unfortunately, our world is getting a little SCARY. . .

‘Til Then. . . Go Figg’r!

Peace Out – Later

D A N

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