Cloudy With a Chance of Rutabagas


I had a paper route when I was 11 years old. I bring that fact up quite a bit around our household with my unemployed 18 year old son. Especially around Rent Time, Grocery Shopping Time, Bill-Paying Time or generally anytime our household expenditures exceed the amount of money we take in as a “household unit”. I’ve used the term “household” 3 (now 4 times) for a reason. Because I think that the one that “Holds” the money in the “House”, holds all the “Power” . And as a result, trumps everyone else in the decision-making process in how that money should be spent. That is a very nice sentiment and in a perfect world, that might very well even be an accurate one. However, in “My World”, which isn’t quite at Perfect Level quite yet, I’m afraid that dream not only doesn’t “hold water”, but the water has all but evaporated and/or is being kept in small 20 ounce bottles by the KEEPER OF THE WATER (by water, I am referring to MONEY, for those of you that don’t “get” me.) In MY home, that person would be my WIFE (also Doesn’t “Get” Me).

At this time, I would like to draw what I see is a parallel to the KEEPER OF THE WATER and a character from a movie, that I think, was highly overpriced from a production standpoint (175 Million Dollars in ’95 , which in today’s terms is roughly $32,000) But in terms of enjoyability was WAY underrated (this from a guy that thinks Killer Klowns from Outer Space deserved an Oscar) That movie, is “Waterworld” . The Water Keeper is my wife in My Little Version of this Blockbuster Film. The “character” she plays is that of renowned stoner (and all around real creepy dude) Dennis Hopper. (Whose character’s name escapes me, because I don’t remember it. It’s been a large number of years (14) since that movie’s release and I sure as hell didn’t see that “turkey” more than once, or waste money to rent it, just to prove a point… 14 years later. But alas, I do have WikipediaDeacon, it was Deacon, happy now?) . . .

Where was I?
Oh yes, Waterworld. . . I AM fairly certain that the movie had something to do with water. Which works out well for me, considering I’m invested in this “turkey” at this point. Because in this analogy, “water” is what I am using to describe money. You’ll notice I said analogy, instead of metaphor. I’m not sure I’m using either term in the proper manner, but I think the root word for analogy is “anal”. (it SO isn’t) Which describes Deacon’s (my wife’s) relationship with my hard-earned “water” perfectly. (I’ve got to be delicate at how I proceed now with the terminology) If the root word turns out to be “analyze” or something (I’m really not big on research) that’s fine, as that word could be used to describe it as well. She is anal when analyzing how I spend our water . Actually, since I twist the meaning of most words to suit my needs at the time, you could probably plug in a word like RUTABAGA, (I looked up the spelling), and I could make it work.
Unfortunately, since my handling of money and finances is dealt with in the same creative fashion as my manipulation of the vernacular, I have relinquished all Aqua Asset Authority to Dennis Hopper. (no, not the real one – THAT would be a trip, huh?) My wife LOVES when I tell her this! No really, she does. She takes great pride in thinking of herself as the “one” that held the fate of Kevin Costner in her hands and watched as he ended up fronting a band that plays a local casino near where we live twice a year when they open for Carlos Mencia (dee-dee-dee!). . . She also thinks me doing “this” is a waste of time. In her eyes, I am squandering prime “water-pumping” opportunities. Let me just say that like Kevin Costner’s “Mariner”, I look at this as my quest for “Dryland” – The mythical island in the movie that held the key to his character’s happiness, enhanced only slightly by his ability to “land” a big hot fish like Jeanne Tripplehorn, who not only didn’t “bag” on the Mariner for his dream, but encouraged it. (all despite the fact he had webbed feet and gills. . . nice)
No, I’m still POSITIVE someone of great importance (Jerry Bruckheimer produced “Waterworld” and apparently desperately needs me) will stumble upon me and realize that I should be getting paid to entertain people. Out of the goodness of his heart he could very well convince someone to offer me bucket loads of water (this time I REALLY mean money) to do just that. This is EXACTLY the reason my wife (Dennis Hopper-wait, now I’m confused) holds the purse strings in my house. Because, much like my financial decisions, my hopes and dreams don’t always seem to “hold water”.
“It doesn’t mean it’s never gonna’ happen!”, I’ll argue very convincingly – while Dennis rolls her “eye” (in “Waterworld” he wore a patch over one – merely for dramatic effect, or because of a ‘bong’ accident ). But left to my own devices, I’m sure that my wife thinks I would do something OtherWaterWorldly or even Outlandish . Like get behind some sort of “pipe dream” or an over-budget outstanding film like “Waterworld“. . . If I had the “water”, I just might. I think that movie would make “bank” today (and in reality it did in video and oversea distribution, back then).
Briefly (yeah-right) let’s take a peek at another little movie that was a disaster to shoot, came in way over-budget and had everyone involved in its production, sure that it was doomed and going to fail miserably. That little movie? . . . “Jaws”. Also a big “water” movie. In that anal-ogy”, my wife would be “the shark” (also perfectly comfortable with that role). I would be either the skinny-dipping stoner chick, in the first scene, that is so oblivious to the “danger” that she ends up “going for a little ride”. Or perhaps the drunk skipper, that so believes in his ship, he jumps feet first into a shark’s mouth to prove a point. “I” would assert that I am more like a guy NOT in the movie, but the one that MADE it. . .He was a “little dreamer” too and NOW look at him? I’m no Stephen Spielberg . . . but how would we KNOW that?
Seems as though knowing how to draw, write and tell a few jokes, holds about as much “water” as the paper route of my youth. But, I did learn a really cool trick from a “magic kit” I got around the same age. Remember the milk in the funnel trick? I used to do that with one of my route newspapers and a glass of fake “water”.(that wasn’t the trick, but I had that mullet) Guess that might be about all I got out of that job (the trick, the mullet came later). I should probably lay off my son. I’m going to tell him to learn a “trade”. There’s good “water” in that. . .
‘Til Then. . .Go Figg’r!
Peace Out – Later
D A N
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