I’m NOT GAY. . .Not That There’s Anything Wrong with That


So?. . . So. . .

As many of you already know, I am more than just an average “blogger” out there bouncing their little thoughts and observations off of people, hoping something might “stick”. I don’t just randomly come up with a topic and throw it out there hoping I’ll get a “bite”. I have an agenda. A “Method to my Madness”, if you will. (or even, if you won’t) That’s why I was blind-sided today when at my OTHER Job (seeing’s how this one doesn’t exactly pay anything) a 10th grade girl got on my bus (Oh yes, for those that don’t know, I am also a PUBLIC SCHOOL BUS DRIVER) and sat down. I hadn’t even pulled out of the loading zone yet, when she asked me to turn the radio station. I allow the students to listen to music during the ride. It tends to drowned out their LOUDNESS and also muffles any unwanted screams or cries for help while I try to drive in peace. The “kids” of today, at least in the city that I work, are typically far more “mature” both physically and intellectually (for lack of a “correct” term) than when I was their age. And it’s “refreshing” to know that the teenage girls of today have made tremendous strides in being just as stupid and immature as their male counterparts. Bravo!
ANYWAY, This “girl-woman” seemed astonished when I said “I will when I pull out.” Not because of the way I said it.(I am, as a rule, polite and respectful to students unless I am confiscating their drugs or asking for their weapons.) No, this “person” was surprised that when I responded, my voice was not that of a female’s.(My voice is significantly lower than one might think upon looking at me-Somewhere between Don LaFontaine (RIP) and Lurch from the Addam’s Family) You see, my “new best friend”, while boarding the bus had sized me up as a “chick”. I’m not sure how the appraisal was made. I haven’t shaved for 2 days. I stunk of BO in the 90 degree heat and I’m pretty sure my fly was down. Although in certain parts of Bakersfield, I guess that might be an easy mistake to make. As I made sure my passengers where not “blazing up fatties” or “stabbing their schoolmates”, I pulled out of the loading zone. Behind me-the familiar whisperings and snickerings of “children” bouncing off the back of my large head. You see, as a completely heterosexual male, I have, throughout my entire adult existence, “sometimes” been presumed gay. This girl kept going on with her friends, “I thought he was a WOMAN”. “Dude, you think he’s Gay?” “Ha, Ha, Dude Looks Gay“. You see this doesn’t bother me for the reasons you might think. If I WAS (and I’m SO not) it probably wouldn’t bother me at all. I DO live in California. Though Gays are still ridiculed (especially in this town), it isn’t as “taboo” (for lack of a “correct” term) as it used to be. It’s in the social conscious a lot more. It’s in the main stream. It has become more accepted. NO, what I took exception to (and do whenever someone “thinks” I might be) is “What exactly is it about me” that, in this case (a) Would make you think I’m a “lady”? and (b) Would make you think I’m into “dudes”? I’m at a loss people. Never have understood.
Don’t get me wrong, I KNOW I’m beautiful. No question. Some might even say (and often do) “Pretty”. But that would be the only parallel I could draw between me and those of the female persuasion. . . So, why did this “girl-woman” ruffle my feathers? And HOW does this affect me continuing on with my journey towards CELEBRITY? It didn’t and it doesn’t. Not really. It just got me to thinking about that Seinfeld episode and how funny it was, when Jerry faced a similar “dilemma” (for lack of a . . . yeah). Why is it that there are stereotypes for “straight men” in today’s society? I WANT ANSWERS. Anybody?. . .Anybody?. . .Well let’s come up with something. I’ve got to get on with my life without carrying “yet another” insecurity along on the ride. People say, “Oh if you were secure with your sexuality, it wouldn’t bother you.” Shut yo’ mouth! Because if YOU were secure with my sexuality, you’d know I like me some “women”. . .yo. (Actually, just one woman and I married her). But I enjoy looking at women (when she lets me) So, I guess I told YOU.
So what is the stereotypical “MAN” supposed to be? What “mold” does one need to fit into, to be considered made of sturdy “man-type” stuff? I’d like to share a few Celebrity Versions of what I think society views as “the norm” for both Gay and Straight. There are certainly some shades of “gray” involved, however I don’t consider “Bi” a classification. I consider it “selfish”. Those that are reading this Gay, Straight or “Bi”, must understand that this is being written by a straight guy. . . no, REALLY. So if you don’t like it, I guess you’re free to read something else, go “antiquing” or start a “decoupage album”. . . . I know some cool websites.
Straight as an Arrow:
1)Tim “The Tool Man” Allen – Just the nickname says it all, doesn’t it? Well. . . nevermind.
2)Arnold Schwarzenegger – Starting to look like a list of straight “OLD” Celebrities, huh?
3)Brad Pitt – Even though he has to adopt a bunch of kids at a time, like going to Costco for toilet paper, I think his “swimmers” still like Jolie. But she may not reciprocate.
4)Shia Labeouf – I still hate calling him a celeb. He got his break on Project Greenlight in a sucky movie and I don’t like him. But he’s straight. Boy howdy, is he!
5)Harrison Ford – I don’t know why I got so many old actors on the list. I think I might be proving the point that “Peoples’ Perception” of what straight looks like has changed. But Indy, likes the “ladies”.
Gay as the Day is Long:
1)Adam Lambert – And I want to know why women still LOVE him, when they know their ain’t know way, they get a shot?
2)Neil Patrick Harris – I don’t know what I found more remarkable. Him “coming out”, or how rapidly his Broadway career progressed after he did.
3)Nathan Lane – Duh – “The Birdcage” was hilarious! I think Hackman should be gay just for trying.
4)Sir Ian McKellan – Really?
5)Rosie O’Donnell – I honestly didn’t know where to put her.(I opted for Gay man)
Eh?(I have no flippin’ idea)
Robert Pattinson & Any actor involved with Twilight(that right there should be the biggest tip that I’m not gay, or at the least, have good taste) That statement alone warrants me the label “straight jackass”. . . oh, and Jude Law . (my wife LOVES him)
So why do we care as a Society? Why do we want to know what “orientation” certain people are (especially Celebrities)? Why the fascination? Is it because we want to know what goes on behind closed doors? I can tell you that “I” personally don’t give a rip. I was raised to believe one way, but have since determined that not only is it “not my business”, but I’m pretty sure it’s none of yours either. Just because a man decides not to walk around with his chest all puffed out and dig around at his crotch, like if he doesn’t do so publicly, would summon some sort of “Gaypocalypse” is beyond me. I go back to the Seinfeld episode. “Not that there’s anything wrong with that”. People do what they do because it’s who they “are”. I don’t make the rules. I live by my own, but I certainly don’t impose them on SOCIETY. To each their own. But to answer the question posed by those that think just because a guy my age is still thin, well-kept (except when transporting school children-and then it still apparently doesn’t matter), is soft-spoken, kind (sometimes), sensitive (I cry during MOST movies – even comedies) and well-read (meaning I like to READ); that does not a Gay man make. I’m pretty sure I still need to like “dudes” and it would be awfully hard to take up a habit that “disgusting”. But that’s just me. . .I mean I’m disgusting.(therefore:straight)
I told my wife what happened today. She’s used to me getting that question. I asked her if she thinks I should get my long luxurious locks cut or, at the least, a “die-job”. Her response? . . . Are you Gay? No. . . No, I’m not. Not that there’s anything WRONG with that. I thought we covered that when we had “kids”.
SO, that answer the question “girl-woman”? And if I catch you with another “blunt”, I’m gonna’ have to tell the school. . .
‘Til Then. . .Go Figg’r!
Peace Out – Later
D A N
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