Conspiracy? No Thank You, I’m Already Full of Crap!


I am truly convinced that there has been only one conspiracy theory ever, in the history of humankind. That is the introduction of the Ford Aspire in 1994. This compact deathtrap was billed as the Second Generation of the Ford Festiva. Though, I’m not sure why the Ford Festiva found it necessary to “breed” and “give birth” to a new generation, which not only didn’t respect its obvious “History of Excellence”, but also had no respect for it, “sassed” it, came home late (all the time) and wrecked “itself” on more than one occasion (when it was told not to go out on the weekends after the bars closed). I am obviously referring to something I have close personal, intimate and first-hand knowledge of, as I wouldn’t dare think of speaking of something I had no idea about. As I eluded to in my last entry, I’ll leave that to those more inclined to smoke A LOT of illicit drugs and make plans for an Armageddon, which includes bite-sized creatures-riding donut shaped crafts, while embedding themselves in our temporal lobes, while we are sleeping-in a strategic maneuver meant to throw us off their scent; by taking over the minds of world leaders “one at a time”. They really do have a lot of time on their hands to come up with this crap. The conspiracy whack-jobs out there, NOT World Leaders. They have absolutely NO free time to be spent doing anything that doesn’t make this world better every day for all of us that depend on them so much to be a guiding force in our lives. I look to them to show us ALL how to take up the mantle and forge ahead with the knowledge that we can achieve a total unified and euphoric existence. All we need to do is shut up and do whatever “they say” and everything will go smoothly . Nobody needs to get hurt. Now…”YOU! In the broom closet. Now!” NO THANK YOU. Truthfully, I think there are way too many people out there that are taking whatever information they want to manipulate out there and turning it into a brightly polished, beautifully packaged, and eloquently conceived Dung heap and proceeding to shove it down our throats , or at the very least frighten us so badly or induce such a feeling of paranoia, that our only recourse will be to cling to “THEIR TRUTHS” so that we can all be “SAVED” or, at the very least, “VERY ENLIGHTENED BASKET CASES” and “free” to buy T-shirts, incense and videos from their websites, catalogs or under their trench coats next to the fake Designer watches and viles of Crack. No, Thank you! And when I say that, I mean no THANK YOU will be issued to you – you pompous, overblown and power hungry fear-mongers! Keep your websites (I can’t read-even with all the PICTURES) keep your incense (it smells like wet dog hair and vanilla diarrhea) and shove your Conspiracies! (But I wouldn’t mind taking a look at the Gucci knock-off. Why does the second-hand go backwards? Is it supposed to have a second-hand?) Bottom Line is that Anyone can twist a pretzel. . . It’s how you SALT it.

Here are a few conspiracies, that I find mildly amusing, somewhat dangerous and just plain weird:
5) David Icke’s Reptilian Theory – I’m unsure of this “windbag’s” credentials. He was a pro football player, so maybe we should take him seriously. My daughter had an Illuminati once. It cost us $15, but was never really able to capture the same “feel” as the one I had when I was a kid. In the 70’s it was still called a “Lite Brite”.
4) Obama is the AntiChristWhy? Because I voted for him? Can I catch a break anywhere? They’ve been talking about the Antichrist for years. “They” need to give it a rest. We all know who the Antichrist is. Enough already, when it’s time, I’m sure we’ll all figure it out.
3) 9/11 ConspiracyWhat? Don’t get me started, because I won’t be able to stop. . . If you choose to belittle the memory of innocent people by blaming stupid people, you’re misguided. You need to concentrate on evil people . . . and stop making me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.
2) American’s are Satanists – Puh-lease! I think Free-Masons are like Shriners aren’t they? So what’s next? I’ve been hearing different versions of this since I was in kindergarden. People that think our country is based on some sort of evil, can live in caves with the people who are really evil. If you think we’re bad now, just wait ’til you start missing the circus, because you’re in a cave with Al Qaeda arguing over who gets the last of the rations. THEY don’t know how to “throw a circus”.
and. . .
1) Jay Leno is an Evil GeniusOKAY, you got me. There’s an “outside” chance Jay knew what he was doing all along, and just wants to be able to get to bed early every night. I KNOW it tapes at like 4PM, but he likes to stay up late to watch himself. He really thinks he’s funny. That IS scary. . .And DANGEROUS.
So there you have them. Some of the newer Conspiracy Theories facing our world today. I didn’t talk about anything that Oliver Stone hasn’t already been sitting down in “moist anticipation” for with some Studio Executive, that still credits him as the inspiration for him/her making a 5 minute short in film school about the perils of not looking for “answers” in every box of Cracker Jacks . I prefer to look at the REAL Conspiracy Theory. The One I can’t PROVE, but KNOW existed. My ’94 Ford Aspire lasted all of 9 months before being sent off to the junkyard for “reeducation”. I am CERTAIN, that Auto Makers stopped “making ’em like they used to” with inferior car parts and shoddy manufacturing to cut costs and bolster profits, by selling us new ones every 9 months, extended warranties or crappier replacement parts for repairs. Old Cars used to last forever. I guess I should really start looking into that. Before we “Bail Out” some other evil genius (oh, I guess he’s still doing okay) Hey! Wait a minute!. . .
‘Til Then. . .Go Figg’r!
Peace Out – Later
D A N
Top Blogs Humor Go Figgr at Blogged
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