How to Still Forget Your Anniversary…When it’s the 4th of July


I was asked recently, “Hey Dan! (because that’s my name) How do you like kids ?” I was unsure how to respond, because the person asking was well aware that I “own” four of them. “I don’t know”, I responded, “How do you like my shirt?” How in the world do you answer something like that? And why am I asking you? That’s almost as ridiculous as his question. Let me see. . . I know I enjoy being a kid. If the question was directed more about my feelings towards those “little people” that scurry about and run into things and babble incoherently until they reach age. . .27? Then I guess I’d say, “They’re alright?” and Yes, it would come out as a question intended to deflect the original question from someone, who obviously needs to mind their own business and steer clear of angering me in any way, because I know where they live and have access to a “kid” that knows Bruce Lee Karate.

This style of martial arts (Jeet Kune Do) is known as the “formless style” . Which to me is exactly what it looks like when my oldest decides to flail around and intimidate his younger siblings into submission through a complex set of somewhat strange and frantic movements, that leave the “victim” incapacitated. They are left lifeless on the ground unable to move a muscle,because they have just seen someone look like a total dork for about 5 minutes and have spent nearly a half hour on the floor, laughing until they lose all control of their bodily functions, with a very rare fart/snort/gasp combo, rendering them – useless. This is actually about the same way that they entered the confrontation. So it’s really much ado about nothing.
Home invasion is one of the fastest-growing and most brazen forms of violent crime being perpetrated today in America. (what? . . . I read sometimes) Heaven forbid, such a meth-crazed perpetrator darken OUR doorstep someday. I’m not worried about myself, but for the perp. He will NOT know what hit him (usually a male between 14-17), because my son will unload his “Enter the Dragon” routine and I’m sure, leave the criminal begging for less. I know that I do. Especially when I’m forced to sit down for a “Kung Fu” marathon on one of the cable channels I’ve tried numerous times to tell my kids is “blocked”. But my two sons know how to crack ANY and ALL codes, no matter the level of intelligence I put behind it, to ensure they will be unable to view what all teenage boys want to watch . . . the History Channel. I’ve got good kids! So? I usually try some sort of cryptic letter/number combination that not evenRainman could crack if he went to Vegas with the illegitimate son of L. Ron Hubbard . But somehow they come up with it. It’s usually my initials and birthday.(I forget it otherwise) And these two Einsteins” figure it out every time. I, on the other hand, am always at a loss when it comes to deciphering it, when a good Football game is on. My wife changes it on ME. It’s usually her initials and our anniversary . How is that even right? She makes me ASK her. Then I can’t enjoy the game because her death stare penetrates me like radiation through deep tissue. This is also a very effective tool for crime deterrent in our neighborhood. Someone breaks in, she looks at them like,“Don’t even think about it!” The next thing you know, the would-be burglar/rapist is volunteering at a soup kitchen (and loving it).
All Seriousness Aside. . .
To the gentleman that asked me, “How do you like kids?” I like them. I “own” a few and I enjoy being one. That only becomes a problem when it comes to “parenting” . You know, the other thing that just came to me?(slow mental reflexes from years of “self-emaciating” behavior; yeah… deprecating came later) The guy that asked me, worked where I DO. As a school bus driver! He actually asked me the other day in front of A LOT of people! I think I may be the victim of a “mole”. I think I may be dealing with a “plant” on my job site. A UNION member whose goal it is to eliminate a “weak chink” in the armor. All because I asked a simple question. We had a UNION REP come to talk to us NON-Union employees at work. There have been a lot of state budget cuts in California, as of late. She started her mind-washing tactics, by telling us that a “Memorandum of Understanding” would be brought up in September at a STATE meeting. Then she spent an hour talking about union stuff and a bunch of other CRAP. (I was lost after the memo thing – Go Figg’r) So at the end of her spiel, she said “Thank You, any questions?”. . .
My hand shot up. I’d been waiting for an hour and I had to get something out of this. “Yeah,” all eyes looking at me,”What the HELL is a Memorandum of Understanding?” . . . crickets. . . .Seriously, It’s like I “cut one” at a funeral. That’s EXACTLY WHY I will NEVER join the union! That’s EXACTLY why I don’t like being an adult!
Adults are WAY TOO SERIOUS! I didn’t like it as a child and when I really NEED a sense of humor about life, there are too few of us around. Sure it might explain my rather “eclectic” resume. Maybe that’s why I don’t like “stuffed shirts” or “the MAN” . Because they bore the ever-living crap out of me. I probably have had SO many jobs because I can’t take how SERIOUSLY people take their JOBS! I worked for a company that I won’t name (Best Buy), like 10 years ago. They would have a little “Rah-Rah Pow Wow and Kumbaya Session”every morning before they let “paying or potential-bottom line-raising guests” in the doors. I’m SO Sorry and I know that it puts food on the table, clothes my kids (now) and pays the bills–But IT’S A JOB! I WON’T hold hands with people I can’t stand looking at all day, in the break room and in the employee restroom! (part of not wanting to hold hands) But I don’t want to THINK about work, let alone, be AMPED about it! I want to be Happy about LIFE! To be honest, in ALL of my many mini-careers there have been different variations of this same agonizing, embarassing and humiliating type of ENERGY-ROUSING CRAPAROONI! But I couldn’t possibly name them all. (WalMart, K-Mart, several gas stations, numerous mall-related positions, hardware stores and a few restaurants – all since January)
I KNOW there are a lot of you out there that are saying. I LOVE my job! I couldn’t make it in life if I didn’t Love what I was doing for a living! Well good for you, Trudy! (she works in the office) It doesn’t always work out that way for some of us! the only way I can come remotely close to being that way with work is to BE A KID! If I don’t laugh at life, especially others, I’d go nuts! No one should take themselves or their jobs THAT seriously. If they do, it just makes it that much more funny to me! But before you all start trying to find out what school district I’m employed by and end my fun, let me assure you, I take the service I provide seriously. I take the kids safety seriously. I take Public welfare seriously. It’s just the rest of the Chuckleheads out there that make me shake my head and say. . . Go Figg’r!
So to answer the question Bert (a variation of Bart – – eh?..eh?), I DO Like kids! I LOVE mine! I can “tolerate” other people’s and I enjoy being one! Thank you for asking, now if you don’t mind I need to go sign my UNION card and change my shirt. Time to go to WORK. HA! FLIPPIN’ HA! Now give me the remote! There’s a documentary on Elvis coming on! Hiii-Yaa!
‘Til Then…Go Figg’r!
Peace Out-Later
D A N
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