If At First You Don’t Succeed, Tell Your Kids To Do It!


I am not a typical man . Now, I know you all find that VERY difficult to believe, but it’s true! In fact, I have spent a large portion of my adult life shattering stereotypes and charting a course towards true equality between the sexes! I’m not really sure if the term metrosexual is even “used anymore, but I think I may have very well been the Founder, Charter Member and Leading Participant in the Movement. Was it a Movement? Or was that really more of a soft southerly breeze that swept over the country, enveloping it, embracing it and assuring us, “Hey U.S. you’re Okay. . . and I’M Okay, let’s go work out at Bally’s, then take a “rinse off” and grab some fruit salad and a mineral water “. Of course, I might be a little overzealous in that claim.

It might be like when Al Gore said he invented the “Internet”, which to be honest,was actually a claim that was taken TOTALLY out of context. What he had meant to say was that he vastly enjoyed downloading free pornography early on in his political career, before he got caught by Tipper and she told him to stop or she would make him endure countless trips to Washington to lobby on behalf of a “Cause” that would eventually prove that “Rock and Roll” was indeed the “work of” . . . the people that wrote it . Either way, I’m not like the typical guy. This is a point that my wife points out on a fairly regular basis when a household appliance or one of our automobiles decides, out of the blue and at the very worst possible moment that it wants to . . . Break Down. Which around our house, is tentatively scheduled between the first of the month (rent time) and the last of the month (the last of the money collected from couches, car ashtrays and the kids’ piggy bank-time).
In all fairness and in my own defense, I just don’t like mechanical things. I never took auto shop in school. I wasn’t into hunting and fishing. From a really young age I just really never got into any normal guy activities or hobbies. Don’t get me wrong! I’m not saying I’m a fancy boy! But I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being cool with your sensitive side. Plus, if you don’t really know how to fix anything, you typically aren’t “Asked To Do It”. It’s like when I’m at the grocery store. . . I’ll be minding my own business and walking down the aisle scouring the shelves for something I can present to the checkout clerk as “Damaged” (so that I can receive my traditional 10 to 15 percent discount), when who walks up to me? Well, I’m glad you asked, as I was generally headed in that direction with this. It’s none other than a “Little Old Lady”! and get this. . . “she Needs me to REACH something for her!” At this point what can I do? Well, yes I could push her to the ground and walk off cursing her “decrepit existence” , but I was raised a little better than that. The point is I’ll get the lady her stupid can of stewed prunes, but she just completely disrupted my chain of thought and my routine. At this point, because of my ADHD, I usually have to go back to the beginning of the aisle and start my search all over. If I am towards the frozen foods which is generally my last stop before paying and leaving, I may have to start ALL OVER in Produce, at the other side of the store. So, I don’t like really doing things for people.
That’s something else I’ve discovered at this Advanced Stage in Life, by which I mean, my superior intellect and insight, not my AGE. Heck, I’m still a pup, Homie! No, I’ve realized that more and more, I am not really the “People Person” that I was when I was younger. . . and more stupid. You know what I find so rewarding about this blog? . . . No, it’s not the Huge Following, Wealth and Fame that I’ve accumulated, although that is nice too. It’s actually the fact that sometimes I can work out some of my “Issues”, while still being extremely charming and probably “The Most ENTERTAINING READ on the Internet Today!” Sorry, I’ve got some new sponsors and I want to give them a little something for their “Creative Development Meeting” on Friday. I started this entry telling you about why I am not the typical guy. That I’ve embraced my softer side, rather than a stereotypical mold that we have been forced into since the “Dawn of Time”. That’s true. But not for the reasons that might make some label me a little “Fluffy”. Not that I don’t enjoy Christopher Lowell or finding new and interesting ways to “open up a space” in my “communal habitat”. But I don’t like GUY stuff because I’m lazy!
You Guys don’t understand how much of a relief that is going to be this weekend when I go to my buddy’s house for our weekly Poker Game and to WATCH FOOTBALL. They were starting to get a little worried about me. I’m kidding. I don’t have any buddies and if I were to try and watch a Football Game, my wife might make me fix our dryer and change the oil in our minivan. That’s a whole can of worms I’m not willing to open up. I don’t want to have to start over in Produce when “my System” has got me knee deep in Fudgesicles. “Why are these prunes in my cart?”
Thanks for the Support “Tweet-folk”
’til Then. . .Go Figg’r!
Peace Out – Later
D A N
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