Leaving So Soon? I’ll Help You Pack!


I am a LITTLE more than HAPPY that my children’s summer vacation is just about winding down. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my kids! But every year, about this time in August, the natives start to get a little restless. They’ve spent the better part of the summer bouncing off of every wall in our “Humble Commode”. Every video game has been mastered. Every Netflix Free Trial has been exploited. . .And we’ve had just about enough of one another in Large doses over the last 2 months, that anyone venturing near the vicinity that looks like they have an outside chance of helping us “Escape” is a coveted trophy. So far we have a utility man, a cable guy, a Mormon and a Jehovah’s Witness scared to death to come within 500 yards of our front door. Add to that there are 6 of us, living in a 2 Bedroom “Bungalow of Bedlam” and I think we’re not only playing with FIRE . . . Well I’m not even sure the phrase for that kind of combustibility has even been coined. Smashing Pumpkins probably put it best when they sang, “Despite all the rage, I am still just a Rat in a Cage“. Yeah. . . it gets “Scary” around here!

We DO venture into society on occasion. When it’s time to FEED, for example. You will find us, quite often, pillaging bargain racks at the Hostess Discount and Day-Old Store”. We may also be spotted at 7 Eleven’s during a shift change, which almost always means Fresh Hot Dogs! Although we usually get the ones they’re throwing out. Unless Victor is working. He’s a “pud-torker“.
Like a large number of Americans, this summer we decided to stay at home instead of taking a Vacation that would have wiped us out,financially. No, we stayed home and “cut corners”, scrimping and saving every valuable cent. Now as a “Reward” for all of our “Tireless Work and Thrifty Ways” we get to “Reap the Harvest of Our Labors”. It’s “Back to School Sale” time and you know what that means, as a parent don’t you? . . .Being wiped out financially. (like quicker than you can say, “What the. . .?” Unless of course you have Credit Cards (which also do not come within 500 yards of our front door). Then you can drag it out in handy monthly payments before you . . .get wiped out financially. Pick your poison. Quick and Easy or Agonizingly Slow.
Sure we got out at other times as well. We Did go to “Venice Beach”, which I’m sure my loyal readers (Hello!!!!!!! Mumbai!!! They did for real you know. I asked them if they were reading to compare notes-Haven’t heard back yet-but I’m hearing rumblings in India about ‘Who Wants to Go Figg’r a Millionaire?’) , you will remember-provided us with “thrill-a-minute” entertainment. But I considered that more of a business trip. That was the “manna” from which this delightful “Potpourri of Pontifications” was gleaned. (It’s where I got the idea for the blog). It’s also kind of a normal migration for folks living in Toiletville USA! (I mean Bakersfield,CA) You’ll notice I don’t say much about this place. . . . . . . exactly! I’ll just say that today I compared it to Afghanistan. . . without the “Atmosphere”. You can say what you want about what’s going on in the Middle East, but it seems to have a fairly active “Night Life”. I’ve never heard about so many people that into Discos. Every other week, I swear. “Did you hear what happened at the Disco?” No. . . then it’s like (Blah,Blah,Blah) Middle East. You’ve heard that too? Was beginning to think I wasn’t getting the whole story! Now no one can blame me for being “out of the loop”.
So where was I? . . . Of Course, spending MONEY we don’t have! I love talking about that! You know, I go back to work in a little over a week as “PUBLIC SCHOOL BUS DRIVER!” I know that doesn’t have exactly the same “shine” or “distinction” to it as some of my other titles, but with this Badge of Honor, comes a responsibility to our fine community here at Toil…Bakersfield. The Great State of California has deemed me: “THE MASTER OF VERBAL SOCK-PUPPETRY” a suitable and necessary instrument in the safe and timely transport of some of our “Country’s Most Precious Cargo”. . . spoiled brats, wanna-be thugs, and possible homeland security threats. (aka our kids) But as long as I get a CHECK. . . can’t say that I give a rip! . . . I’m kidding. I don’t want anybody to get hurt. . . Well not because of Me! No, my fellow parents, parents-in-waiting, parents-to-be, parents of the same sex hoping to adopt, parents of the opposite sex less likely to be able to adopt. . . your kids are safe in the hands of someone like me. . . Depending on that paycheck!
At the end of the Summer it is also time for ME to go back to work. This is, not so surprisingly to me, WELCOME NEWS to my wife! Though I am not sure why! All I do know is that her patience with me may have come dangerously close to “homicidal malice”. I was sent to the store yesterday to procure the necessary ingredients for one of the most delicious and economically feasible dishes for another end-of-summer meal. . . Chili Dogs. Upon returning from the grocery store, my lovely and very tough wife informed me in no uncertain terms that I had procured inferior cheese for the preparation of the meal. I was dumbfounded! “There was a certain type of cheese that I should have been looking for?” I said, innocently enough. At this point the conversation turned a little strange. Have you ever had one of those surreal, “This Can’t Be Happening, Can It” Moments? I did. . . right then and there! I almost felt my self leave my body and float above me as I had a “discussion” with my wife that a combination of four white cheeses would indeed be sufficient for consumption of such an important “Feast of the Senses”. Her Rebuttal? Not only was the four white cheese blend not “worthy of the dog or the chili that went on it”, it was out and out, “not RIGHT”,”Italian, in it’s ethnicity” and “quite possibly the single dumbest thing I’ve done in the history of my existence”. (By the way we Love Italian food and Italians, it was the cheese talking).
THAT MY FRIENDS, is how I knew that this might be a good time to start looking towards the future. . . To like next week! I will be back at work again and away from all these kids. . . .
Oh yeah, only now I’ll have 40 to 60 at a time! Eh, but they’re not mine. I mean they are ALL OF OURS. That “Precious Cargo”! Blech. . . Don’t worry They’ll get there safe. . .I Need The Money! Then, maybe I can afford some Cheddar Cheese and the wife won’t be telling me, “You Know where the courthouse is. . . there’s a pen!”. . . Seriously, dude, like – “Out of my Body”!
Hope you guys had a good Weekend and Enjoyed My “STAY TUNED STUFF”
Remember, comments mean a lot. . . So leave some!
Vote! TWEET and Give to stop the Bleeding!
(maybe then she’ll think I’m not wasting “our” time!)
(and hot dogs are getting old)
‘Til Then. . .Go Figg’r!
Peace Out – Later
D A N

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