Everyone’s a Critic…Unless NO ONE Gives a Crap!

Okay, Okay, so those are some mighty strong words. I’m sure I’m not the only one guilty of judging someone on their merits. Or could it be I’m the only one that has asked the question, “What Have You Done For Me Lately?”. . . Ms. Jackson (Janet. . .I do consider myself a bit NASTY), you’ve left me in a Deprecative Dilemma and, at the very least, a bit of a TIMEWARP, when I refer to 80’s Pop Culture Anthems for the basis of yet another theme, meant to make us all take a step back and ask ourselves, “Who Do They Think They’re Kidding?” Personally, I am kidding YOU, the reader. The few brave souls that have continued this pilgrimage despite my errors in judgement. Although, I do think that “Shhh…You Smell Something?“ and the “Feces“ one were a couple of my better bits. But, who am I to Judge you? So in an effort to again reach some of my audience that have already headed for the exits in the 7th inning, I thought I’d serve up another slice of Go Figg’r and Title it, referencing another word that seems to get readers to flock. (crap) I don’t know what puzzles me more. Early on in my endeavors, I referenced “Sausage” and “Adam Lambert” and was getting pretty decent numbers or that the “poop” thing didn’t seem to click quite the same way with our “Public Palate”. I apologize for the imagery, but it actually makes a lot of sense to use. After all, I am referring to “Talking Crap”.

Before I go any further, (as if you really think that’s necessary), I need to address my own harshest critic. The perfectionist and “Martyr of all the Unappreciated Artists” that I am, you would probably guess that I am referring to myself. Indeed, you would be wrong. Although, seemingly, at every possible opportunity, I do tend to provide testimonial to my assets to all of mankind (toot my own horn), I need to remind you that I am under the watchful guidance and expert tutelage of one stronger in knowledge and truly a better “Bargain-Shopper” than I. This person has catapulted me to the ranks of such notables as Bill Cosby, Dave Barry and the iconic Walt Disney. Granted, she did a lot of this during my childhood when I was running around -directing traffic on busy streets, finding unusual ways to torture STAR WARS figures into full confessions of their plots of total and epic basement domination and generally being a poster child for ADHD before it became such a Critical Mental Disorder. She had a treatment WAY BACK IN THE 70’s! It was called, “No More Soda!” and “Lay OFF the Pixy Sticks!” Of course, I am speaking of MY MOTHER.

In reality, I think I am probably speaking of a lot of our Mothers. Always the champions of whatever “Causes” were at the top of our agendas on every other given Saturday afternoon. But I’ve got to tell you when my mom called the other night to tell me to “tone down the blog”, my heart sank. You see I pride myself, right or wrong, on being an “Innovator of the Inane!“, a “Window to the Waggish!“, “The Toastmaster General for the Slightly Left-of-Center!“, but I found myself on the other end of one of those phone calls. . .from mom. “Honey,” she said,”I just wish you’d stop using such colorful language.” Please bare in mind, that I was raised the “Son of a Preacher . . .Man”, and only really got into foul language as a hobby in early adolescence. So I wasn’t exactly prepared when mom decided to enlighten me with her appraisal of my efforts thus far. (to her this amounts to a blistering indictment)

So in the interest of bettering MOM-ME Relations, I will try to refrain from using any questionable language for the remainder of this entry. In my defense, however, I do feel that all of my previous submissions, though possibly in poor taste, were about as “Cosby-esque” in the language department as you can get. But no matter, what mom says goes. . .So who’s ready to hear me talk some “CRAP”!? (better mom?)

Since I’ve already spent a good portion of this entry talking about me, I’d like to dispense with the formalities and “Light Up” a few CELEBRITIES! I’d like to share a few “quips” that I have with some of the PEOPLE (wink), that seem to be very happy with making their business our business. (or at least – MINE) I’ve always said that I wouldn’t tear into anyone, unless provoked, but when you put it “All Out There” for everyone, I can’t just sit on the sidelines. You have to put me in the game, coach. . .

The Gosselins (Jon and Kate? . . .Oh Great!) Jon is an adulterer. Kate is a control freak. She was left holding the bag. . . A very large bag of cash! Do either one of them take into account that the kids have to be raised in this circus? I know that Celebrity Mental Health Experts have weighed in on this subject across the board, but I find it difficult to hear about this dynamic duo without wanting to wretch. ‘Nuff said.

Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott (We Love You Loving Our Love) Dean was an adulterer. Tori is a FREAK freak. She was left holding the bag. . .Daddy’s very large bag of cash! I’ve heard that she didn’t really get a whole lot in the inheritance, but what’s keeping her afloat? Her Kermit the Frog-Like Good Looks? My wife watches their reality show. . .yeah, I know, but we’re (for once) not talking about me here! I don’t get it!?

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore-Willis-Kutcher (So BitterTweet) He’s 12. She’s 40 something? Depending on the lighting? Now, I am as guilty as the next guy and gal about following them on Twitter. I’ve even attempted to bond with Ashton on some sort of fellow-Iowan level. (obviously to no avail) I really do enjoy them as a Concept, but am finding it increasingly difficult to follow the Pomposity they exude. I don’t know how self-important 2 people can be and still coexist. Heaven forbid, either of them would get in a car accident. You’d need the “Jaws of Life” to extract their EGOS alone. I want to share a quick sample of a Tweet to “Mrs, Kutcher” and her eloquent (and quite appropriate) response:

I am beyond honored! Thank you @besprenbrianhttp://twitpic.com/cxqxs – Demi to our generation you our Audrey Hepburn. Classy 😀

Who are we talking about. . . Demi Moore? And Why did she Tweet the compliment within her own Tweet? Wasn’t this the woman who so wanted to be a part of the movie “Striptease”, that she had breast augmentation? I truly admire the dedication to her craft and they did a slendid job. . .but, sorry doll, “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” it was not! If she’d done something about those before “St. Elmo’s Fire”, I might have found her more credible. (and she was quite good in that)-sorry mom, it’s true. (If they catch wind of this I will never be entertained by being allowed to follow their antics, so let’s keep this on the DL, ‘kay?)

. . . There are a bevy of Dishonorable mentions in this category, but this is my short list. Again, I am sure to talk about them all at one point or another. Looking at this list, I’m sure you’ve noticed that this seems to be a grouping of couples. Well the Number 2 seemed to be

apropos to the type of list we are dealing with here. (I think you get my meaning) And to those who might criticize me for my views? Just keep reading and don’t be discouraged. I’ll find a list for you too!

BONUS: These are those that just don’t deserve my time. But I’ll mention them anyway:

The Kardashian Family (Bruce – why so much plastic surgery? And who cares who has the biggest butt?)

Paris & Perez Hilton (though separated at birth, you 2 should share a padded crib)

The cast of “Sober House” (You Made your Beds, Pass out and Pee in them)

and (it pains me to say it) The Jacksons – Let the kids have a normal life and Knock Off the Paid Interviews! (Neverland’s gone and so are most of your careers! He’s Gone!) Ms. Jackson, may I still call you Janet?

All Seriousness Aside. . .

I want you all to know that, although my following is a little less than stellar right now, I will continue the fight. You’ll notice I didn’t say the good fight. Half the time I’m unsure what it is I’m doing, exactly. But I appreciate those of you that have been sticking it through. The payoff has the potential to be EXCEPTIONAL. . . for all of us. (but mainly for me and my family). Stay tuned, because I’m already thinking of the Groups of People that “irk” me and you won’t want to miss that!

The Bottom Line is: “The Opposite of Love, Isn’t Hate. . . It’s Indifference.” I’ll stop Figg’ring when you stop giving a “CRAP”. (goodnight mom – love ya’)

‘Til Then. . . Go Figg’r!

My wife has an itchy trigger finger. Remember “The Cause”

Peace Out – Later

D A N

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