Shhh!. . .You Smell Somethin’?


Our Nation was predicated on LIES. . .Excuse me? Did I just read that correctly? Well, I’m not exactly privy to the information kept in your sixth grade report cards, but I think I can safely assume that the words were construed correctly. Perhaps you would like me to elucidate. I have been asked to explain why I view myself as the “MASTER OF VERBAL SOCK-PUPPETRY!”. Those that have asked me to explain (elucidate), seem to be curious if my Ego hasn’t gotten the better of me by making such a bold statement. My EGO, for lack of a better term, should be as far removed from this self-proclaimed cognomen as humanly possible.

You see, in labeling myself the “MASTER OF VERBAL SOCK-PUPPETRY!”, I offered up a glimpse of the charming and whimsical attribute I carry with me every day. . .Self-Loathing. I was trying to think of a phrase that would best describe what it is that I have been doing for the bulk of my existence in an effort to Muddle Through or Get By in life. I have been able to conjure up a lifetime of experience by simply knowing how to LIE. Such an ugly word don’t you think?. . . and EXACTLY why I don’t use it. Nope, don’t like it and I never will. . .NO LIE! The “sock-puppetry” portion I added as a sort of down-playing tactic. I tried to think of the most benign and simplistic form of entertainment to counter the beginning portion-which seems like such a brash, impudent statement of ones self. In essence. . . I CAN DISH OUT THE B.S.! Which leads me back to the beginning of this little piece. The thing that made me sound like a communist or even worse. . .a Liberal.(heaven forbid)
Now living in the world I’ve chosen to, I’ve found a variety of ways to circumvent this ugly term. But for now, I’d like to share some of LIES’ History and a few examples of how it is taking place-Not only in Our Country. . .But Worldwide! I know this is a shocking Revelation and not for the timid, pregnant, Republican, CELEBRITIES or the WEALTHY.(do those last three qualify as the same thing? Heck all 5 and you’d have Sarah Palin’s daughter! – Hey, that was no where NEAR Letterman’s dig!)
But fair’s fair and I started this little party off with The United States of America. Okay, right there. . . Lie # 1. Now, I wasn’t around 233 years ago, but I don’t remember a time in this Nation’s history that we were exactly UNITED. I mean we kind of get together collectively at each others’ houses for the Olympics every 2 to 4 years or the Last Episode of Seinfeld and stuff, but by and large I’d say we, as a whole, ain’t really being truthful with our claim. . .Not exactly “Truth in Advertising” is it? If you want me to get into what we did to Native Americans and raping their land and leaving them with nothing but Casinos and Cigarette Shoppes, I could, but I think I’ll save that for another day. Anti-War Folks? Civil Rights Folks? Yeah, I think we could be here all day. As always . . . you guys are just gonna’ have to wait your turn. We should just call ourselves, “The Bunch of States That Gets Along for The Sake of the Kids” . . . No Lie!
If it would make you folks a little more comfortable I could use a different term. . . I DO. Told you, I don’t like that word. How about this one. . .seems to be real popular these days. . .Half-Truth! You gotta’ love that! I mean you’re not FLAT OUT lying. You’re giving them a little factual information. By all accounts you should be able to deliver this Half-Truth and be on your merry way, your conscience free from any petty guilt or undue anxiety. Oh, here’s another one you might find familiar. It is catching on a lot with those in Washington. It is called a Misrepresentation of the Facts. Yeah, Legal Eagles love this one too. Whether defending a client or covering their own tracks. You see, it doesn’t completely absolve one of wrong-doing or the “L-Word“(no Lie, not that show) but it leaves them enough wiggle room to neither be accountable for libel or slander. Awesome guys! Bravo! on making this an art form. I’m humbled for being in the presence of those that can make it look so effortless and still get $1000 an hour.
But I would be Derelict in My Duties were I not to at least briefly touch on our good friends . . .CELEBRITIES. Keep in mind that I want to BE ONE. However, I would like to state before this INVARIABLY OCCURS that I plan on being a different sort of CELEBRITY. (I’ll explain in a sec)
You see, as far as I can tell and with the limited exposure I’ve had to CELEBRITIES, it appears that their whole existence seems to be built around ONE BIG FAT STINKIN’. . .fib. Actually, all I can say that I see first-hand is an utter lack of touch with the common man. I mean sure. There are a few out there that donate their time to various charitable organizations or “get in the trenches” by adopting half of a Tribes Population as their kids (only to leave the rest of their village behind to languish), but c’mon! Do you think they honestly know what the price of toilet paper is? And isn’t having your kids raised by a Family from Ecuador who also clean your house, trim your hedges and prepare your food a little laxidasical in even being truthful with yourself? But, I could be wrong. Nah, who’re we kiddin’.
Whoa. . .think I may have stumbled onto something there. If you don’t mind I’d like to focus onmyself for just a moment. (Knew you wouldn’t) It just occured to me that I may have been MISREPRESENTING myself to my employers or worse yet, POTENTIAL employers. I think I’ve used yet another tried and true method of deception known simply as. . .Embellishment. Although, it’s not technically fraudulent, you could definitely say that I could turn a job as the “box boy at the local market” into. . .Corrugated Package Operator. Which, HONESTLY was my latest MATCH on HotJobs.com. NO LIE! (these are trying times) But I guess, maybe that isn’t SO bad. I mean EVERYONE does that. . .Right?(the embellishing thing, not boxing groceries) Which leads back to the final piece of the puzzle when you are the MASTER OF VERBAL SOCK-PUPPETRY or even those who use a . . .”little white lie”. Rationalization. And my friends, THAT is the biggest con of all. If you can get yourself to start believing “that what you don’t know won’t hurt you” or “no. . . YOU don’t look fat in those pants“, you’re in trouble.
BUT there’s hope. . .and it’s ME! As long as I continue to be the MASTER OF VERBAL SOCK-PUPPETRY! . . .you don’t have to! (it carries awesome responsibilities – Like Spiderman) And as long as I believe my own Hype (and I do),then you can count on me to bring you an unabashed and frank look at the world through the eyes of the One that Knows. . .It doesn’t have to all be a lie! Would I Lie to You? (the MVSP? think I like that better – more hip!-lying)
Til Then. . . Go Figg’r!
Peace Out-Later
D A N
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