“Celebra-Hoods” Impede Traffic, Leading to at Least One “Casualty”. . .Says, Nancy Grace

Before I get lambasted or the Neurotic, Fidgety Blonde Box of Tacks decides to throw together some sort of lawsuit against me. . .let me explain. I write satyrical prose. I should probably do that “Ripped from the Headlines” hook or offer up a disclaimer that proceeds an entry of this “Award-Winning and Highly Addictive and Entertaining Rhetorical Romp“. BUT, I DON’T and the chances of someone of her profile or stature reading this gem are virtually non-existent.


Any similarity to people living or dead or places real or imagined is SO VERY INTENTIONAL, that it will make your gums bleed! (ya’ know, ’cause it’s such a biting commentary-nevermind) See, it just doesn’t seem to work for me.
Anyway, I think all there has to be in an article to make it an Untouchable First-Amendment Strongbox is a smidgen of truth. And of all people Nancy Grace should know this. Although, I hear she’s about as sharp as a marble. (Just saying!) Isn’t she like a Legal Analyst, kind of like Marsha Clarke? Yeah, I’m not even touching that one. There WAS a “casualty” that can be directly correlated to the rubbernecking going on in “Snooty-Town” (CELEBRITY neighborhoods) I’ve been over this and am not typically one to rehash or cry over spilled milk (unless its the last of it and I really wanted some Honey Bunches of O’s) But I am no longer the TOUR BUS GUIDE TO THE STARS! I have been replaced, I’m sure by either a trained monkey or another aspiring Writer/Artist and Soon To Be EPIC In The Minds of All But a Few . . .TRUE RENAISSANCE OVERLORD! But they probably just hired another Czechoslovakian, who speaks in such a thick accent you can’t tell if it’s Schwartzenegger’s House or he’s saying, “he forgot where his turn was”.
All Seriousness Aside,
I brought up NEIGHBORHOODS, because I can honestly say that I don’t know if they even exist anymore. I brought up my recent occupation, because it: a) makes me seem more interesting and b) adds a little merit to my claim that I am a true expert on this subject. Granted that I’m only speaking for the United States West of the Mississippi. But I’ve been to the East coast via station wagon during the Reagan Era, and I could see signs even then of a diminishing Neighborhood-Friendly Society. Add to that the fact that I have moved quite frequently through the course of my 38 years on this planet, and I think you’ve found your foremost authority. . .Well, I’m here. . .and You’re here. So humor me, won’t you?
I LONG for the days of old! When we (as children) were able to stay out past dark on a school night, without fear of being accosted or being labeled hooligans (yeah I’m 38-I can say that) When groups of kids would travel in little packs and have all sorts of little adventures together (like syphoning gas from their neighbors cars or vandalizing the principal of their school’s house with rotten trash and toilet paper-that’s what I heard they used to be able to do) Now that I think of it I was a hooligan. But I think that you get the direction I was headed with this. I remember being able to dress up in my “Ponch” outfit from “CHIPS” one time (I must have been around 6) when we lived in Sioux City, Iowa and I was able to walk out into a busy intersection across the street from a bustling Hospital. Cars whizzing by me at tremendously dangerous and high rates of speed. There, I set up shop and began my civic duty. . . DIRECTING Traffic. What a Hoot my parents had when the officer kindly walked me back home and told them of the merriment that had ensued! (pure hilarity followed when my dad introduced my butt to a Hot Wheels track-Whatever, happened to those things? They really got a point across–Good! Corporal punishment nay-sayers? Let me avoid any legal entanglements by stating, for the record, I don’t spank my kids-my wife doesn’t even let me look at them funny!) But as children then, we were afforded some basic liberties that today’s kids are not. That’s an out and out shame. Don’t our children have the right to have a childhood like those fun-loving boys in the Classic Theatrical Film, Stand By Me? (I mean minus the dead body?)
But that’s why that movie scored so Huge, and resonates to this day. It was a simpler time back then. There wasn’t all of this crime and evil going on. We could let our kids go out to play and tell them to be home by supper (sorry dinner – it’s a midwest thing) then turn them loose again to play until dark. What happened to that? What happened to us? There are a lot of movies out there with that feel to them. Too many for me to list, but they all usually do really well. Besides, I’m the guy that said I want to start a Movie Review Column, without actually watching the movies. (Still don’t see the point with so many stinkers out there and I do know the actors’ limitations-we all do, c’mon!) But it’s because we want that again for ourselves. We want that for our kids. Don’t think we’ll ever get that back. Too much has changed.
So, where does that leave us, huh? Well it leaves me with somewhat of a dilemma. You see I’ve got kids to think about on my EPIC JOURNEY towards CELEBRITY! When I started the journey, I was a single guy from the midwest, thinkin’ just living in California would be my meal ticket. I thought through sheer OSMOSIS, I would somehow become the CELEBRITY I’d dreamt of becoming since my days of throwing eggs at my principal’s 3 bedroom split-level. Little did I know then, that one day I’d make it here! (Looking for a 3 bedroom split-level) But priorities shift and so do the times. I want a place where my kids can feel what I did as a youth. I want a NEIGHBORHOOD. I’ve been entertaining the thought of moving my wife and kids back to the Midwest, in hopes that some remnants of that kind of life still exist, but I don’t know. I still feel like I came out here with a mission to accomplish and I haven’t “Arrived” yet. Maybe I won’t, but it won’t be for a lack of trying.
I was going to share some funny stories about the city in which I now reside. . .Bakersfield, California. But that, my friends, is a blog entity the likes of which, no one has yet seen. You could fill endless pages about the happenings here. The constant run-ins with the Intellectually Challenged of this fine community. The never-ending displays of “Toothless Aggression” and “Social Retardation” that permeate from every pore of this Living, Breathing, Soul-Destroying Mecca of Moronity. Some would say, “Why don’t you just move?”. I would say, “I’m trying brother. . .I’m really trying”. If I could just find the right NEIGHBORHOOD.
Keep Votin’, Tweet’n and Emails! (support’s been encouraging)
Give to “The Cause”
’til Then. . .Go Figg’r!
Peace Out-Later


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