Can I Pour You A Glass of Levity? If NOT, I’m Polishing This Bad Boy Off!


Just finished off a bottle of Scotch, I’d been keeping in the toilet tank for a special occasion. I’d like to thank the folks from AA (who wish to remain Anonymous) the people who offered me Dr. Drew’s personal home phone number (and the guy who offered me Rachel McAdams’why? I have no idea) and for all the Tweets, emails and Well Wishes! In all actuality, I have not had any mood or mind-altering substances (we can’t afford any) and I am doing okay considering the circumstances. I was trying to share a story of loss to illustrate a point and give you some insight into the motivations of The Master of Verbal Sock-Puppetry! I wanted to offer hope to those that might otherwise not see the SILVER LINING. SO, in the interest of lightening the mood around here, I’d like to practice an exercise in Levity.
A substantive donation was made on my behalf to, at the very least, keeping the gears turnin’ around here at the offices of GO FIGG’R. (offices being: me seated at the side of our bed at a computer desk purchased in the late 90’s at Walmart). So we’ve established that you were not witnessing a “Train-Wreck of Mammoth Proportions”. In fact, the last few days have offered you a glimpse into: “BIZARRO GO FIGG’R”! The alternate plane of existence that I, and my family live in when we are dirt-ass poor! Which is usually at least 7 to 11 and a half months out of the year.(excluding tax refund time, when we live “high on the hog” for a good week and a half – ahhh,what a glorious time) So, Thank you and I promise to have the coffee going an hour before our next meeting and have all the ashtrays cleaned and emptied. Kidding. Like they would ever give me money. . .again!
You Know who you are!
No, in this “My Quest for CELEBRITY, there will be No MELTDOWN ala Britney Spears. No BROKEN SPIRIT ala Mickey Rourke. No CAREER SUICIDE ala Michael Richards. Although, with the exception of Kramer, those other two have bounced back rather well. I am kid-tested and mother-approved. (Mother-in Law? Well, lets just say that’s a work in progress-it’s hopeless-that woman would’ve made Mandela crack) I had my meltdown a LONG time ago. So I guess I’ve got that going for me. Hollywood, and people as a whole, are very forgiving. I applaud those, in the public eye and under such close media scrutiny, who in the face of the blinding spotlight, can keep it together and trudge ahead. . . Warriors with only one purpose: To Entertain the Masses and Provide us All with Nothing but Unending Joy and Countless Instances of Nirvana that Could Only be Surpassed by the Birth of a Child to Whom We Could Shower Adoration and Proclaim to be the One and Only Chosen One. So yeah, Kudos to them for. . . DOING THEIR JOBS
Oh yeah . . .Levity
Anyway, we’ll be fine. It recently came to my attention via my Yahoo inbox, that I have been given fairly sizable and very special PUBLISHERS CLEARING HOUSE PRIVELAGES! They don’t just give those to anybody, you know! Anyway, at the End of Next Week, when I’m done filling out their online surveys and limited time offers which require absolutely No Purchase for Eligibility, I will probably be sitting pretty. At the very least, I believe I will be the proud owner of a Chia Head and probably be eligible for a $500 Starbucks giftcard. (If I can just figure out if I want more information on ways to continue my education or reduce my mortgage payment-even though we Rent) But, we should be straight and thanks for your concern. The underwhelming response has been staggering.
The original inspiration of this little side project( the blog), as some of you know, was the little indie documentary film, “My Date With Drew”. I DO have original ideas, but I thought the premise was spectacular. In fact, I wanted to “One Up” that guy, by trying to build a groundswell of support and somehow miraculously schedule and participate in a “SIT DOWN WITH SPIELBERG“. Since, he’d directed Drew in “E.T. The Extra Terrestrial”, I thought it might even be the best logical choice for a Sequel(to the date thing not E.T.). As you may have surmised , this idea has not even seen the light of day. No “One Upsmanship” and No “Groundswell”. However, I am happy to report there has been a recent surge on the “Support” front. (A big HELLO to my friends from Italy and Brussels!) I think I actually met these folks when I was a tour bus guide. (that looks so much less significant in regular typeface)
As far as “The Pitch”. I hope you enjoyed it. I understand that, like this blog, it wasn’t really flashy in its presentation. Amateurish? Okay. I can accept that. I don’t claim to be a 3D artist. In essence I’m a glorified storyboard artist. But even they have a much better grasp of 3D software and design than I do. If people even say Flash, I still think of a Polaroid. As a writer, I do think I am superlative! (Even if I do say so myself and oft’ times I do) Its in the combination of the two that I am trying to make an impact. Conveying the idea in a contrite and concise manner, that anyone can envision and better yet. . .Pay to See! Maybe I can’t sell ANYTHING, but I sold you on reading this . . .Didn’t I?
I’m already hard at work on the next one of these. It typically takes me a day or two to work one up and a few hours to write one. (Stop laughing) I’ve been FIELDING offers from the Midwest (get it fielding?) Shouldn’t have to explain it, but with the addition of our friends abroad . . .(and HELLOOOOO, Zimbabwe!) Being a Midwest transplant living in the most Midwestern Town in California (Bakersfield-just a stone’s throw from LA) I thought I might intoduce the subject of Neighbors and Neighborhoods. If anyone has any ideas, feel free to e-mail,Tweet or whatever. Just stop showing up at 3AM, my NEIGHBORS are getting pissed.
Until next time, Feel Free to give to “The Cause”. If I could figure out a goal-meter I’d put one up, but since it’s been sitting on zero for a couple weeks I don’t see its necessity. I’ll be happy to introduce one, once business picks up.
Until then. . .Go Figg’r!
Peace Out-Later
D A N

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