The Master of Verbal Sock-Puppetry: A Return To Basics


I’m often reminded how quickly fortunes can change, my true “Hangers-on of Unremitting Optimism”. I see it every day in movies on Lifetime and ABC Family. (Although ABC, should seriously consider removal of the term Family from their sobriquet). At last count, we were allowing our children to view approximately 2 shows airing on this channel without blindfolds, earplugs or constant adult supervision. I believe they are Full House Marathons and America’s Funniest Videos reruns.(The ones with Bob Saget not Arsenio). You know, I tried sitting through a Saget stand-up special once and he tried to be ‘Raw’. I found the whole thing quite embarrassing and I was just watching it. It was kind of like watching “Mr. Rogers Does the Neighborhood”. . .

But back to the topic. How fortunes can change. No not mine. Like I said I watch a lot of TV. Seems I have a plethora of time since ending my reign as TOUR BUS GUIDE TO THE STARS! (I promise to stop using that title when I relinquish my crown to MS. DENMARK, during sweeps week) Although as I explained before, the “Twisted Swiss-ter“, I was working for was hesitant to cut-me-loose in LA, because I wasn’t “from there”. Well sind ich total von Basis hier, but none of the people working for him are “from there“. It is a shmorgazbord of intercontinental flavors. (And a Melting Pot of Mediocrity) So me handing over my distinction to the lovely lady from Denmark should be a fairly seemless transition. I wasn’t from LA. . .Big difference. However, I studied the highways and streets, the homes and histories of every nook and cranny of The City of Angels and was never tested in the field. There are things I know about CELEBRITIES and their lives, their places of residence and their personal grooming habits that no earthly person should need or want to know! But, it’s water under the bridge and as soon as I get my final check (good luck), I will harbor him no ill will.
In fact, if I may get REAL for a moment (as if I have anything to lose from not being REAL to begin with), I was growing a tad weary of the way that CELEBRITIES and THE WEALTHY were viewing me as a Working Class Stiff and Commoner trampling on their hallowed ground. As if I, while driving through their pristinely manicured and landscaped vicinages, might inexplicably fart or belch and bring upon it, the 7 Plagues. (I’ll clue you folks in. . . I think the 7 Plagues have already manifested themselves and beaten me to the punch) I think the level of utter “snobbery” was best exemplified when; while driving home from work (ahem) on the 405 (Satan’s personal slip-n-slide), I found myself in a bit of a post-vocational excursion (5 PM traffic jam). As I ate my lunch for the day (a Slim Jim) and watched motorists around me engaging in various forms of illegal, or at the very least, questionable activities; I glanced ahead to the moron driving directly in front of me. As she was driving, I noticed that she was applying what appeared to be makeup, while talking on a cell phone and drinking a beverage from a straw. All the while she appeared to be fumbling for some sort of paperwork that was either in the passenger seat or in the trunk of her automobile.
Now in this woman’s defense, and as a fair-minded seeker of the best qualities in all of us, the only illegal activity she was participating in was in her use of the cell phone while driving. This was a law recently enacted, in California, as of July 1st and strictly enforced by those sworn To Protect and To Serve. In other words, no one adheres to it and the only cops busting anyone are A) Really bored or B) wasting all of our time. Don’t get me wrong I think the law is an Outstanding one. I personally don’t like cell phones and wonder “Who in the hell all these people are talking to and why can’t it wait ’til they get home?”
All Seriousness Aside,
I noticed something else occurring with this woman’s vehicle. Every time she applied her brake, her rear lamp would not illuminate. (her brake light was out) Being the Good Samaritan that I am, I felt the need to point this out to the woman. When it was safe to do so, I jockied into position and FORCED my minivan alongside her car to inform her of her potential pickle. I casually rolled down my passenger window and glanced over towards her. After enough periphaphobia had set in and she could tear herself away from her own reflection in her rear view, she looked my way. I smiled and told her to roll her window down. She obliged. I began to tell her of the car’s mechanical defect. No sooner had I begun the sentence, than she hoisted her middle finger in a defiant and semi-crazed manner. So I shot her in the face. (Just kidding. Wow. . .touchy, but I had you though)
No, instead I let her regain her dominant position (In the Pace Car of Life), and move in front of me again. I truly hope this woman got home safely, without incident and without a traffic citation. That’s just the kind of guy I am and you know why? I left out a part earlier in the story about what made me notice the car to begin with. Now I’m not a big “Vanity Plate” fan. In fact I think the concept should be outlawed. Special license plates for vehicles should only be issued to the disabled and people that are talking on cell phones while driving. It would make it a lot easier on the rest of us. We wouldn’t have to figure out what they are trying to SPELL cleverly or who these people think they are? Anyway, this woman in the car ahead of me had a Vanity Plate. For fear of embarrassing this gal (assuming she or someone she knows can read), I won’t divulge what it said. But the best part was that she also had a license plate frame. I love those almost as much as Vanity Plates so this was a double whammy. The frame denoted her school (or her significant others, this is California) and the profession/major from which they graduated. It read: UCLA ENGINEERING (proudly). And why not? UCLA is one of the finest institutions in these United States and I hear their Engineering program is also at the top of many potential employers lists for Must Have Prospective Employees.
Now to me, the kicker was this woman, who so casually showed me that she was “Number One”,with an alternate digit, was driving a piece of crap Old Toyota Camry. This woman who had the audacity to be so pretentious when I was trying to “do her a solid”, graduated from (or at least was close enough to someone) who graduated from such a stellar Engineering Program, yet she was peddling around the Flinstonemobile. The best part was this. Yeah, there’s a BEST part. Her bumper sticker (a whole other blog) read: My Other Car’s a Schwinn. Well, I’ll be deep-fried in dog crap! So is Mine! Small World isn’t it?
So maybe all of the people in LA are ready for me. I’m equal parts optimism and cynicism and I’m ready to Break it Huge. I told those of you that read this regularly (or irregularly) that I would include “The Pitch” for the characters I included a few entries back and I will. I’m not fearful like I was a few months ago about releasing stuff to the public before I have agent representation. If I see any of my stuff before I release it, I can sue like a Jackson Family Attorney! (too soon?)
Anyway, like I said I want to see what you guys think first. I will do it in the next couple days. Keep in mind I’m somewhat of a novice. But, I think sometimes the public has a better imagination than those pumping this stuff out. Which unfortunately, is how I see the state of Animated Feature Films today. But again, that’s for another entry.
Remember, if you like what I do, feel free to contribute to “The Cause”. Go back and read some of my older stuff to catch up. It’s irreverent but not irrelevant. I didn’t learn much from MJ’s funeral. Like, “Get the Money Before Giving Them The Show”. But I just want some honest feedback. And if ANYONE KNOWS ANYONE that can help this weary traveler, for God’s sake, let us know! Your support is appreciated and we still need to come up with rent for this month. Did I mention I have kids? (yes, I’m trying to find a summer job)
DISCLAIMER: BOB SAGET APPROVED THIS MESSAGE
‘Til Then. . .Go Figg’r!

Peace Out – Later
D A N
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Go Figg’r by Dan Freeburg is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at
gofiggr.blogspot.com.

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