The Reign is Over. Thank God, My Umbrella Was Broken and I’m Soaked.


Well, my weary and beleagured sojourners through the mirage of what Could-Have-Been. We found a brief respite and diversion from the mundane, living vicariously through my dealings with CELEBRITY dwellings and Los Angeles thoroughfares, but ALAS, it just wasn’t in the STARS. Yes, I was forced to cut short the experience, by a shifty and squinty-eyed little man of Swiss descent. The Proprietor and my boss (for lack of a better term), of nearly a month felt that I was better suited operating motor vehicles involving assignments with no challenge, no socialization with patrons and worst of all . . .no chance for gratuity. I was relegated to providing the clientele with award-winning customer service and witty banter to and from such exciting locations as: Between their Hotels and our Office and From the End of their Tours back to their Hotels. I regret to inform you that my reign as TOUR BUS GUIDE TO THE STARS! is sadly. . .over. Yeah, I quit.

Now I will be the first (after my wife, my family and most of my former employers) to say that I have a propensity for the dramatic. Some might even be so bold as to say that I’ve not been known to “stick it out” at a place of employment for any great length of time. I have two reasonable rebuttals to this claim. Number One: Bosses are typically a pain in the ass and Number Two: Work, by and large, sucks. However, in my defense, within the last few years since meeting my wife and 3 of our now 4 children, I have been a dedicated, hard-working, and loyal employee. Why? Because I have a wife and 4 of our now 4 children to take care of. I have a job right now, as a matter of fact. The only problem is that it only goes for 9 of the 12 months in a calendar year. Any guesses? No, I’m not the Governor of California or Tony Robbins. I am a School Bus Driver. You may now pick yourselves up off the floor (when you’re done laughing). We good? okay
What can I say? It’s a job and one of the better paying ones in the area in which I reside. Any guesses? No, it’s not Davenport, Iowa or as a private shuttle bus driver for Tony Robbins’ children. (He’s got a restraining order). It’s in Bakersfield, California. Did everyone just stop reading? Well, those of you left are a hearty bunch and I applaud your moxie. When this locale is typically spoken of out loud it usually conjures up scenes from ‘Deliverance‘ or people just shrug their shoulders and say, “Go Figg’r!” Let me be the first to explain it was not the muse for what you are now reading. Words cannot accurately describe the disdain I hold for this city. For those of you fortunate enough to have never traveled near, by or “heaven forbid”, through this “scourge and defilement of nature”, I can only say,”Stay Away!” I have lived in this Mos Eisley-esque conurbation, off and on, for 6 years and see no redeeming qualities in it. No creative outlets, no positive cultural or intellectual stimuli and No Tito’s Tacos! It is a vast and cavernous wasteland that only holds doom and misfortune for those unlucky enough to call it home. Of course, there are exceptions to every rule and for the most part they live on the other side of town.
I was hesitant and reluctant, at first, to divulge my whereabouts to you, the reader. I was afraid that if I were to disclose my location, I would run the risk of losing the faithful few that like to think of me as their Master of Verbal Sock-Puppetry.
Why on earth would you give merit to the rantings of a man who is so convoluted and hampered by such obvious socioeconomic and environmental obstacles? (Unemployment is like 15% and our air quality is WORSE than LA and its been over 100 degrees all week . Look it up.) Well I guess I just gave in. Maybe it was the heat or maybe I wanted you all to know what your MVSP (the sock-puppet thing) was up against. Keep in mind, I did say we’ve lived here off and on for 6 years. You have to be a little off to come back, I guess.
But just like everyone, I have a story to tell. I told you a little bit of it in my last entry and have been eluding to the agenda since this blog’s creation. Just like all of you who have kids and even those of you that don’t, I want to provide my family with a better life. The only thing that I’ve heard from the beginning of my “working life” at age 14 was, “Why are you working here?” I’ve never had the means and like I said before, sometimes you zig when you should have zagged. When I met my wife and family I zig-zagged to PERFECTION. I quit my job as TOUR BUS GUIDE TO THE STARS! because I was never going to be able to move my wife and kids down there without making tips, and a certain SQUIRELLY LITTLE SWISSMAN wouldn’t give me the opportunity because I wasn’t “From There”. Tell you what though. The day I drove home after quitting, I ran the TOUR ROUTE alone in my minivan to PERFECTION. Told you I had a flair for the dramatic. If I can find the cable to my cellphone, I’ll post the pictures for you.
I still want to move my family to LA! Don’t think for a second, that I’m going to let this setback thwart my efforts! It is just painfully obvious when looking at the 1 and 2 bedroom apartments down there that the city doesn’t lend itself to “Couples with Kids Newbies“. And I also came to the realization that its hard on my wife to be away from her and the kids for so long. Hard on me, too. It’s getting a little late in the summer campaign to start a new job down there with no place to stay. We broke the bank getting me down there for this last attempt. It ended up putting us BEHIND. We just wanted to believe that it was going to work for us. . .JUST ONCE.
I want to show the people down there that I’ve got WHAT IT TAKES and believe me. . .I DO! So here’s where YOU GUYS come in. . .Ready?
I talked about this early on with this project(the blog). I know that there are a lot of sites out there that ask for donations. There are also a lot of Blogs out there that promise you something and don’t deliver. Where are your donations going? What are they for? I shared a story on Twitter a few days ago that an “Exotic Dancer” had a sick cat that needed an operation. Now, I don’t know if business was slow or she was just not real “in-demand”, but she ended up surpassing her goal by like $18,000. At last count, I think the tally for Michael’s funeral was just a tad higher. So where are our priorities as a society? I KNOW where mine are. I want to raise enough to make a real go of it in LA. I understand that some may think I haven’t paid my dues. But like I said, I’ve paid my dues and now it feels like I’m picking up someone else’s tab.
You won’t be throwing it away and I will continue to blog regardless. I just thought . . .What the Heck? My wife and kids have never really seen me “in action” creatively. The proceeds would go towards housing, travel expenses, food, etc. On MY side they would also go towards procuring an agent, paying off debt and continuing my Art and Writing Pursuits. So I will begin adding a new PayPal button at the bottom of each blog. If you find it in your hearts to give to “The Cause”, GREAT. If Not, I’ll keep pluggin’ away as always and will keep you posted. Remember to vote and as always . . .Go Figg’r!
Be Back with the funny soon. . .
Peace Out- Later
D A N
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Creative Commons License
Go Figg’r by Dan Freeburg is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at
gofiggr.blogspot.com.


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