Throw In The Back-Scratcher And You’ve Got Yourself A Deal


I’m becoming increasingly convinced that life is just “One Big Deal”. Moreover, I think Life is comprised of a whole slew of “Deals”. You see and hear them going on around you all the time. “That was a Deal-Breaker”,”You’ve got yourself a Deal!“, “What’s the Deal?” and my personal favorite. . . “Deal-a-Meal really works Honies, when you’re done Dealing cards you’re done eating for the Day!”(thank you Mr. S) But seriously, I’ve been observing those around me all week in Los Angeles and I’d have to say; that this city is not only an accurate cross-section of society, but quite possibly has the Largest Concentration of Deals in the World. But how does this pertain to you. . .the Average Joe? Why did I bring up something that, to some, may be so blatantly obvious? Furthermore, how can you use this little “tidbit of information”, this little “nugget of knowledge” to vastly improve your otherwise meaningless existence in Our World? Let me first address that by saying, “This isn’t about You, So Get OVER Yourself!” I think I’ve already established the agenda here and anything else at this juncture would just be a distraction. I’m pretty sure this is how L. Ron Hubbard got his following. Except, he had spaceships, cool galaxy discoveries and laser guns. . .I digress.

I’ve got a Proposition for You . . the Readers. I’ve been asserting the existence of my many talents over the past few weeks and promised to reveal them at some point. . .for Approval or Rejection. To Put It To The People and Lay Out My Case, so that you all could decide for yourselves if I am worthy of this thing we call CELEBRITY. Let me just say, that I appreciate the encouragement of the few that have contacted me via/Twitter,e-mail,BlogTopList votes and especially the few I’ve met in LA during my stint as TOUR BUS GUIDE TO THE STARS! Although, I’d have to say that my reign as the Purveyor of Celebrity Spreads has been the target of some rather pointed criticism as I have yet to do more than scribble notes on a pad in the back seat of the buses during TRAINING.I’ve been driving airport runs and weddings. No matter. . . The Key to this Odyssey is what is the central focal point and as I’ve already said, I don’t like distractions.(which reminds me I lost the keys to my Odyssey last week in Venice and had to wait for like 3 hours for a locksmith) um, NO distractions.
First of all by CELEBRITY, I don’t necessarily mean FAME. Those terms are interchanged with regularity, but do not completely encompass the driving force behind my lofty goals. It could probably be better defined as WEALTH. . .Now before you get all bunched up and say,”Yeah, I’d like to be rich too or I AM rich, what is this chucklehead talking about?”, let me explain. MONEY makes the world go around. It’s NOT Love. I wish whoever originally coined that phrase got a bad case of the gout. Whoever, it was surely didn’t have my electric bill. My desire for money comes from the absence of it for, oh I don’t know, the entirety of my existence?!
I was talking to a Co-Tour Bus Guide yesterday. We were waiting for a family members and friends of a lavish wedding to conclude the ceremony so that we could, in turn, shuttle their lavish derrieres to a lavishly decorated restaurant so they could get lavishly hammered. Being the inquisitive type, I asked him (I’ll call him Sancho for purposes of this story). “Sancho, How does one make it financially in Los Angeles doing a job like this?” Knowing my aspirations and the fact that I am pinning a lot of my hopes on such meager means, he replied. “Dude, you’re white. Most White Californians are Educated. That’s why you don’t see people like you looking for jobs like this down here. It takes at least $80,000 a year to make it. . . “
I was taken aback and unsure of whether to be insulted by these remarks or encouraged for pursuing something “Out of The Box”. I mean, I am educated. I have two degrees. One in Mass Communications/Broadcast Journalism and the other in Design/Illustration.(prelude to me making my case) But Sancho naturally assumed I read at the 3rd grade level and had been pigeon-holed into performing assignments that showcased my White-Trashnicity. . .I would rather say that in this thing called LIFE, I made some bad Deals. I’ve zigged when I should have zagged and at some crossroads I made Deals that ultimately set me back a few years on my journey towards CELEBRITY(aka wealth). Now the reason I choose to use those terms interchangeably, is because. . .I have the GOODS. I’m not Perez Hilton (PH fans would certainly agree). I don’t have the celebrity ‘ins’ that he does. (or in his case, ‘ins and outs’)I actually started this little Blog thing on a whim a month and a half ago, to talk about everyday stuff. But you know what? Everyday stuff sucks. Why not let you guys see what it is that I think a lot of the “normal people” go through. People that may, for whatever reason, have gotten a Raw Deal. People that want and deserve a shot at CELEBRITY. To be honest, I’m not sure there are A LOT of us out here, but it’d sure be lonely if it was all on My ample shoulders. HOLLYWOOD and its surrounding municipalities are full of people wanting a little hope. Its also full of people that made a good deal. The distance, from this casual observer, could be called marginal at best. Because give some of these CELEBRITIES a shot, and what do they do with it? They end up like all those other lost and struggling souls living under the 405 and bathing in the restrooms on Ocean Avenue. They piss it all away. But most of the time, they have someone to clean up the mess. And we all get to watch it all unfold live on pay-per-view. Heckuva’ Deal.
So my friends and the few who stuck around. . .Where does that leave Me? (No not you,this is still about Me)
I tell you what. I’ll explain one thing to you and maybe we can take it from there. I think at one time, I eluded to the fact that in the late 90’s, I was a toy designer. I designed toys for a company that sold them to fast food companies and anyone desiring a kids’ meal promotion. I did it for about 4 years until around 2001. That’s when I made a Bad Deal. I decided to go it alone as a freelance designer and consultant and basically got lost in the shuffle. I have continued to design and write and expand the library of characters I have and have tailor fit them to create a cottage industry of Animated Films and Kid’s Programming. That being said, I also dabble in comedy writing(you wouldn’t know it) and wouldn’t mind taking a shot at acting. You may ask why I don’t just get an agent? I was talking to a friend in the toy industry a couple months ago and he said I needed to “Not stay in Hibernation for too long or the industry would pass me by”. My dilemma is that I don’t know where I fit in the industry, but I know I fit.
I’m gonna’ include a mock-up of the characters for one of my Would-be Ideas. If Anyone would like, I will include the “pitch” in an upcoming entry.
So guys. I hope this is the beginning of something cool. I am unorthodox in my business card (A Blog) and also not exactly High Profile. I never attended film school. I got a C in Acting in college (but was an understudy to ‘Danny’ in GREASE in High School. Industry professionals say that animorphism is a lost cause. This is the only group of my stories that includes animals as the leads in human roles. So stick that industry professionals. I can sell anything. Maybe you just don’t have the right “Yes” men and if this looks ‘amateur hour’ to you, it’s a mock-up! Grow an Imagination!
So Here They Are. . . I need to find a literary and/or art agent. I will start entertaining offers from Dreamworks, ILM and Pixar now.(I’ve got to think about it Disney) I’ll begin the bidding at 1 million dollars. Let’s Make A Deal!
Stay tuned. I’ll be back with the funny. . .
Peace Out – Later
D A N
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Creative Commons License
Go Figg’r by Dan Freeburg is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at gofiggr.blogspot.com.


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