ATTENTION: This is NOT SPAM, You May NOT Already Be A Winner, And I Don’t Need You To Transfer Funds Through Bank of America! (Alms for the Poor)

. . .That being said, my discerning and “success story-hungry” minions, is where I’d like to begin today’s offering. I’ve been away again from the one thing that has catapulted me to the level of uber beruhmtheit, in the eyes of German tourists and all of you over this last month. I didn’t know that beginning my reign as the king of TOUR BUS GUIDES TO THE STARS was going to be such a labor intensive and decidedly rigorous and brain-power-depleting activity. The mere fact that I had to look up CELEBRITY in German, to understand what they had been saying and then not be able to get my Google to stop displaying all of my subsequent searches in German, speaks volumes. Who would have known that to become a TOUR BUS GUIDE TO THE STARS, I would be expected to KNOW things. Not only that, but know ABOUT things. Like why I can’t put umlauts over my German vowels.

I would like to apologize to the dozen or so of you (mostly family wanting to see if I’ve been arrested – NO) who read this little ditty, for seemingly neglecting my duty to entertain you over the last few weeks, for as often as you’d grown accustomed. I feel as though I’ve failed you and promise to try and remedy the situation WHEN I GET A FEW SECONDS!
All Seriousness Aside,
I have been trying over the last couple of weeks to get my foot in the door of one of HOLLYWOOD’s most prestigious ranks. A group of men and women whose very presence in this cherished city, is only surpassed by those toting cardboard signs by freeway overpasses,bag ladies on Rodeo Drive and their beloved paparazzi. Yes, I now belong to the coveted inner sanctum of those comprising all of the power and the KEY that starts the City; their fingers on the pulse of the real goings-on in Tinseltown. I am a “lanyard-with-card” carrying member of the Los Angeles Tourism Posse. (Represent, Yo) And you will be happy to know that in my quest to completely integrate and become one with Los Angeles, I’ve stepped up my game. Just today I took further action that will result in me becoming an even more formidable yet indispensable citizen in the Greater Los Angeles Area. I put my intellectual and professional credentials on the line, when I was invited to take part in the initial testing and interviewing process to become a METROPOLITAN BUS DRIVER in Culver City! It’s true, yes, so true.
Now for those of you that are not familiar with Culver City, It is steeped in “Old Hollywood” tradition. A lot of “back lots” for major studios were there in its glorious past. Sony Pictures still has a studio there; as do a few of the others. (don’t judge me for my Culver City knowledge, I don’t give tours through there). But I’m told it is RIPE with Hollywood history, and I don’t think the guy at 7 Eleven has a reason to lie to me. But be rest assured that I am doing everything within my power to immerse myself in the culture of the area, so that when my CELEBRITY rocket takes off, you will be able to see that the launch pad was firmly planted in the heart of Los Angeles. I applied at a Kohl’s on Crenshaw too, but they haven’t gotten back to me.
I did this as a result of a recent backlash from those starving artists and struggling actors, who have expressed their apparent displeasure in my candid remarks concerning their plight in one of my more recent entries. I received a few interesting “Tweets” and e-mails stating that some had taken offense to my “making light” of what it involves to make it in Hollywood in the ENTERTAINMENT field. I run the risk of over-stepping my bounds again by stating, isn’t ENTERTAINMENT, subjective? Just like any other art form? I might say the same thing about these poor kids collective plight, as well. I didn’t ask you to give up your friends and family and move halfway across the country, alienating your loved-ones, for a dream that in the eyes of most and in all probability will never even come close to fruition. That’s on you kids. Sorry. To the nay-sayers and ne’er-do-wells that wish my journey to the top to be fraught with peril,failure and disappointment, because of my obvious abilities and talents? I thumb my nose to you and hope you all get a nasty rash. I’d also like to ask them if they shouldn’t be bussing some tables or running some lines instead of reading blogs on the computer in their $3000 apartments during their apparent spare time? Seems like they must have a surplus of it, huh?
I, on the other hand, do not. . .Ya’ know, have spare time. But I MAKE Time for You. As well I should. Soon you will be enjoying all sorts of entertainment of which I will provide you. And you, in turn, will be paying my mortgage, my old student loans, my childrens’ tuitions and for a new minivan. So in a way, I guess I owe it to you.
I have seen the numbers of readers of my BLOCK rising since its inception in June. I have also seen the numbers of people following me in Twitter rising steadily in the last few weeks. Although, I have had to turn quite a number away as they really were not to my liking. They seemed to be preoccupied with some vary odd things during their apparent spare time. But thanks anyway, Really. Those of you that have been riding the tour buses in which I’ve been training: Thank You. I’m sure some of the numbers can be attributed to you and you just don’t know any better. I am pretty charming. Thanks for voting as well.
I have been saying the last week that I would provide you all with the details and a list of qualifications as to how you could help me in my quest and why I should be a CELEBRITY, and I will. I do NOT expect to become a CELEBRITY just because I am asking to. The reasons that I want to become one and should, may also surprise you. They are many and varied.
As you can guess, by now, this is just a message leading, to a segue, introducing a beginning of that information. I want to make sure that all the Stars are aligned. That I’ve got the information I want to present to you in order, in such a way that I can make a compelling and valid case on my own behalf. I will give you a second hint though: I am not seeking fame as a blogger. This will never pay the bills. Heck, the jobs I have now don’t pay the bills. But this is the WORLD WIDE WEB. There’s got to be a “6 Degrees. . .” factor going on out there. And if someone knows someone that knows someone . . .who Knows,Right? If you enjoy what I do, tell a friend. Help me get my numbers up. Tell Ashton or Demi. Even if I bag on them, they probably know someone that might help me. Why would they want to? Because I COULD blog like Perez . . .and all those little half-baked wannabes out there, but I don’t. I have fun and I’m taking you for the ride. I’m your TOUR BUS GUIDE TO THE STARS. GO FIGG’R.
The Real Skinny is on deck. Please Stay Tuned . . .
Peace Out-Later
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