Pssst, Uh Yeah, The Line Starts Back There . . .

Well, my loyal “CELEBRA-TAUNTS”, I’ve come back from the dead. . . dead celebrities that is. This was my first day off from the new and shockingly unprofitable world of TOUR BUS GUIDE TO THE STARS! I’m sorry that I’ve been away for so long. To be honest, this has been a less than stellar introduction to the world of which I hope and will be a party to in a matter of weeks. I am not going to skate on the edge of bad taste by commenting much on the death of the 3 icons of the industry. It has been done to death (npi) and to be quite honest, I think I speak for a large portion of society, that still takes pride in themselves, by saying I’m ’bout OVER IT. 

No, not the sense of loss that only losing someone you never in a million years really even wanted to meet can bring (with the exception of ED, maybe). But the overall hole left in our social consciousness by the celebrity’s passing. There will never be another King of Pop, or Poster Girl and industry trendsetter with a BIG heart, or another Edward Leo Peter McMahon Jr. There just won’t. But that’s life folks. I don’t know if making fun of these guys makes it easier to process or buffers the reality or what. I think it’s stupid and tacky. But they were people first and foremost. They all, like them or not, had fans. They all had their ups and downs.(very publicly)And as far as I can tell, their legacy has been solidified. Being in LA all week, gave me the opportunity to speak with tourists; American and from abroad. I got a real sense that these people, by and large, did suffer from varying degrees of loss with these deaths. I’m not a cold-hearted person, but I can’t grieve as deeply as some of those true blue and die hard fans. I never knew any of them. I wasn’t related to any of them. 
But there were moments in my life with all three that I did have a relationship with them (of sorts). Ed was a symbol of classic Hollywood to me, in the truest sense of the word. To me he was that good-natured drunk Uncle that always came over on the holidays and said something inappropriate at the dinner table. But everyone wanted him there. For comic relief and to keep your mind off the fact you really didn’t like talking to a lot of your family. He and Johnny were a Once in A Lifetime Duo. (No offense to Conan and the fat guy).
Farrah, well though I never actually owned “the poster”, I had friends with older brothers that did and that was always AWESOME! Charlie’s Angels was cool, even though I was partial to Jacqueline Smith and later Cheryl Ladd. And I’m a little too young to get the “hair” thing, but I was in my 20’s during the height of FREINDS and realize the “Rachel” implications. But it was actually her work in ‘Movies of the Week’ and “The Burning Bed” that made me take notice. She was a talented actress and I was always pulling for her and Ryan to ‘Tie the Knot Already! Nobody else wants you!’ (Notice to Goldie and Kurt). To top it off, as quirky as she was, I don’t know anyone that wasn’t pulling for her. She was a Lady, in my book.(Available on Amazon and at Barnes & Noble in December,just in time for Holiday gift-giving!)
Then there’s Michael. Oh man. . .Been struggling with this one. Being a TOUR BUS GUIDE TO THE STARS! I have been asked a lot this week,about my feelings on the whole MJ thing. I don’t know. Let me just say this. When I was a kid (about 12,I guess), Thriller came out. I got the glove. I got the tape. I learned the dances. I even got some break dancing video with matching instructional poster and cassette because Alfonso Ribeiro was hanging out with Michael between stints on Silver Spoons and hanging out with Michael. It was a very weird point in my adolescence. Probably like a lot of the young men Michael mentored.( maybe not a lot) But he was my friend. He was cool. He was accessible even though he really wasn’t. What happened the next 20 plus years is beyond me, and to be honest I don’t want to know. I will say this and I will only say it once. I do not believe he hurt any children or abused them in any way. Would I have let my kids hang out with him? Not On Your Life! But this is my block, and I’ll say what I think. But he’ll remain who he was to me when I was a kid. Really, isn’t that all any of us deserve? To be remembered when we were at our best? (Unless, of course, you’re OJ, Hitler, Jeffrey Dahmer, or Charles Manson). Not a whole lot of redeeming value in that quartet!
So my friends, though you’ve probably been jonesin’ for a fix of GO FIGG’R, that would tear your funny bone a new one or at least “mangle your humerus beyond repair”, I offer you this entry in light of the last couple weeks’ events. I spent the better part of last week learning the art of acting in Hollywood.(Some would argue it was not the better part or an art). But I have learned how Hollywood works in a relatively quick amount of time by anyone’s standards. Except mine, of course, because my expectations are vastly higher than a normal human’s. Yes, it seems that Hollywood seems to be deeply rooted in the ALMIGHTY DOLLAR. In fact, not just the ALMIGHTY DOLLAR, but many of them. Like oodles of dollars! Even more interesting to me is that it seems like success in Hollywood depends on how quickly you can get another human type of person (not everyone in Hollywood-it turns out, is actually human, per se, well maybe in a broader sense, but not like one with an actual soul) to relinquish said dollars to you.
So I’ve spent the week, asking unassuming tourists of our beloved America as well as those from countries that border on varying degrees of good vs. bad taste and who all seem to speak in a dialect I don’t understand no matter how slowly they speak, to entrust with me their recently traded-for new ALMIGHTY DOLLARS. I assure them that they will spent wisely. All of the various production costs that I incur with the size of such a Well-Oiled Publicity and Marketing MoneyMaker, like GO FIGG’R. (I won’t say it again, you know what you’re reading, I think) will be met so that I may continue to entertain and inform. They seemed pleased as punch to be helping a real CELEBRITY.  I TOLD you people. Now sit back and watch the rise of a star!
In all actuality, I am doing the public a service. My first order of business as a CELEBRITY, when I honestly reach that stature, in a few weeks, will be to make ALL CELEBRITIES more accessible! Think about it. How often do you get to see the rise of a celebrity as it happens in real time? I’m offering you folks the opportunity of a lifetime. (Unless you count that Project Greenlight thing that started Shia Labeouf), but I don’t and that movie ended up being horrendous. But if any of you remember, I did have a brush with Shia last year. Coincidence, or foreshadowing? I know, but you’ll have to watch this unfold.
I will continue to be a TOUR GUIDE TO THE STARS! even when I reach the pinnacle of my success. I will start the tour every morning at my own home after brunch and a rousing bocce ball match(Anyone knowing how to play wins.) On occasion, I will have CELEBRITY friends over for an occasional roundtable discussion on any variety of topics. When more contributions are made for my cause, I will even keep an assortment of your favorite cheeses and soft drinks in the fridge. Just call like a day before, so my wife can run to the store. It will be great fun and groundbreaking on my part. Far fewer paparazzi, because then we’ll all just be like you guys. What’s exciting about that? As far as the privacy factor. I had enough privacy at home listening to “Beat It” with my friends brother’s poster. (He lent it out for a dollar).
The One Thing I didn’t like this week is waiting in line in LA. Everyone seems to be in a tremendous hurry to . . .wait in line. As a CELEBRITY, I want to enact some sort of legislation doing away with such a wasteful pastime. I would much rather feed some ducks or do a puzzle than wait in line. . .or hurry. My example could best be seen in the HUGE lines to Michael Jackson’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame (directly in front of Mann’s Chinese Theater and why is it named after Asian noodles now-in case you can’t afford a tour). Standing there to pay respects at the shrine were thousands of people. Having the relationship I did with Michael, I casually walked on the street around the barracades and security, took my rightful spot by the star and snapped a photo. Suddenly, a security guard, obviously not knowing the nature of my relationship with Mike or Who He Was Speaking To, said (quite cavalierly), “PSST, Uh Yeah, The Line Starts Back There”. I can only assume the poor man is illiterate or has no computer at home, but I took no offense, He didn’t know me and that’s how I want it to stay as a CELEBRITY. The only real obstacle I have in my quest to Meet Mr. Speilberg, is that as A TOUR GUIDE TO THE STARS!, I’ve come to realize that he has no fewer than 1,607 homes in the greater Los Angeles Area and my chances of catching him at home may be a little difficult. No matter. I’ll keep you posted.(You thought I was done about 2 paragraphs ago didn’t you? I don’t have an Editor.)
Enjoy My Journey (details on donating to the cause are coming!)
Peace Out- Later
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