Tour Bus Guide to the Stars!

So what’s crackin’ Starbucks? Yeah, I claim my piece of the American Pie tomorrow and not even a respectable Immigrant Peach Cobbler will be safe! I’m comin’ to HOLLYWeird! To be honest, there was some sort of clerical error with my pre-employment drug test, so it may be pushed back an additional day or so. No biggie, I’m sure most people are asked for 12 samples, but isn’t it usually urine? Yeah, I don’t know, but the line was awfully long and why did I have to take an IQ test and those magazines in with me? (I only read the articles) Anyone ever hear of 4Ever Fertile near the 405 and Sepulveda?

Before I do make my presence known in this town begging for me to do just that very thing, I need to clear the air. There’s been a few things I’ve been mulling over. Not a laundry list of grievances more like a post-it note of unpleasantries. And lets face it folks, with a job as high-profile and all-inclusive like Tour Bus Guide, I’m sure to be hob-knobbing with Celebrities and The Upper Echelon in a matter of days, once they’ve been made aware I’ve landed. I’m sure preparations are well under way at the Santa Monica “Y” and a warm cot is being unfolded as I speak.
I just want a few of the TV and Movie Execs to take heed. I wield extraordinary Creative Critical Power and they would best be served as my foot soldiers on this campaign. (Over the top?) For starters: “Moving Picture” creators need to be on the lookout for my Scathing and Unflinchingly Honest Movie Reviews. The most incredible twist for these reviews? I will be writing reviews for movies I haven’t even seen! And why should I, really? I know the actors and the basic formula for every movie that’s come out of Hollywood since Pulp Fiction and that’s only because Tarrantino did that weird “jumpin’ around timeline thing”. I know the actors’ limitations. For instance don’t put Samuel L Jackson in anything-again-ever! Do I have to name the movies of late? Really? Truthfully there hasn’t been a bonafide crowd-pleaser since The Breakfast Club and Samuel L Jackson would have killed as the janitor. Tell me I’m wrong.
All Seriousness Aside,
I was getting my haircut in the salon a couple months ago and my stylist “Stephen” (why always their formal name? Not Steve or Stevie?)was telling me how his friend had gotten his hands on that bootlegged copy of “Wolverine”. He told me how he had watched virtually the entire movie with the actors performing before a “Green Screen”. He cackled (as only Stephen can) when he told of the horrible dialogue being exchanged between thespians with no real direction whatsoever. They merely seemed to “run their lines” and then every once in a while a prop guy would come by and dangle a toy airplane in front of their faces, so they would have a physical item to play off of. I’m sure many of you have seen it. In all fairness I have not. I have not seen the fully CGI’d Feature Film Released to Theatre-goers either, but from what I’ve been told by others not in charge of my beautiful locks, I needn’t bother. That is my point. I don’t want to see something that looks like one of my kids video games. I don’t want so much CGC (Computer-Generated Crap) in my movie that I run the risk of seizure or at the very least get as dizzy and sick to my stomach I want to hurl,like when I watched “The Blair Witch Project”. I’ve got an idea for these “Moving Picture” creators. Stop the frickin’ moving around! I’ll even do them one better; instead of Dazzling us with special effects, why don’t you Dazzle us with a Decent Script? Hey Actors! Could you Dazzle us with an Honest Performance?
There is such a thing as “Oversaturation” in the marketplace and I think the seats in the multiplex are oozing with CGC. In fact when my kids come back from the movies they need to change their pants . . .immediately.(‘cuz of the whole wetness thing).
I am going to tread on some sacred ground around my house for a moment. But does Johnny Depp really need another vehicle to showcase his talents? Now we have him “Bedazzled-all-Up” as the “Mad-Hatter” and I see him all over Billboards playing Dillinger. We get it sir, you’ve got some range to ya’. But how many actors are carrying this town right now? If you tell me Seth Rogan, I’ll punch you in the throat. But even Johnny doing that “Alice in Wonderland” schtick, will be a CGC “sight-to-be-hurled”. I’m jumping ahead of myself. I haven’t fully thought out this review before putting it to words. But what I wouldn’t give for a slice of “21 Jump Johnny” or even “Nightmare on Elm Street Johnny”. (sigh)
But, I’m on my way Hollywood! Roll out the red carpet and shine up a “Star-To Be Engraved Later”. But I’m heading for you! I know that soon we will be at all the same parties and swarees. (Actually I don’t know if that is spelled right) But we’ll be hanging by the pool. Suddenly, I have an urge to listen to Weezer. So as soon as my lab results get back, you’re all mine. More Importantly – I’m All Yours. You’re SO Welcome!
(Small disclaimer: The chances of me actually catching sight of a “STAR” during one of my many excursions to be upcoming, will probably be slim to nil. Driving through Malibu I look at all the empty balconies and deserted homes and wonder where the heck everyone is. Same thing in Beverly Hills and some of the other “Celebrihoods”. But I’ll find out where they congregate. I think they give me that information when I check out my cot at the “Y”.)
Peace Out – Later
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