Venice Beach! Are You Ready for Me?! (Adam Lambert. . .I’m So Over You!)

Hello my faithful few! Good News from the “Land of Silk and Money”. It seems as if our good friends in the Greater Los Angeles area may have deemed me “worthy” of walking amongst their oddly 10 million or so residents. “Odd” being the operative word. I may be joining the ranks of the working class in lovely downtown Santa Monica. But before I decide to take on this challenging, but surely rewarding role(tour bus guide), I need to set the record straight. I need to let Los Angeles’ father know what my intentions are for his beloved little city. I am going to have my way with you Los Angeles! Lock the doors and board the windows, ‘cuz I want to (what do the kids say nowadays? “Raise the Proverbial Roof”?! yes, I’m fully aware those words have never been uttered in exactly that way, nor has “Raise the Roof” even been used for well over. . .maybe 6 years).

Nevertheless, I’m coming, and no one will be the same! When I say that, I mean it in the most philosophical way. Like if one was to throw a pebble into the ocean. Although, outwardly it would appear to have little or no affect at all, just the mere change in locale of the pebble,the slight displacement of the water and the physical removal of the pebble from the shoreline and its introduction to a new environment would forever change the course of the physical object’s makeup and chronology. Of course, just like the pebble, I might wash back up on shore and simply be a “rock” for the remainder of eternity. But I’m a sucker for happy endings. That other thing just kind of sucks.
I know what you’re asking. (mom) How is a job as a Tour Bus Guide, going to translate into a meaningful and lifelong career? Well, it’s not. . .DUH!(sorry,mom) But in a city that apparently doesn’t take well to “outsiders”, but takes well to our money, it’s hard to even get a job at a Quizno’s there without a “headshot” or a blank prescription medication pad and a Dr.’s signature stamp. (I do not know about that first hand, but I was told it wouldn’t hurt). I just wanted an “in”. I make no secrets about it. I am a product of the Midwest. Born in Keokuck, Iowa,raised as a preacher’s son(explains a lot,right?) and have had “STARS” in my eyes,from a very young age. Now, pushing 40(but not looking it. . .I swear!); I want to take a crack at my dream. H-O-L-L-Y-W-O-O-D. Midlife crisis? Some might think so. . .If I were ever going to die!
All Seriousness Aside. . .
Some of those who have been at it a while, with bit parts in AM/PM commercials, spending hours in long lines at open casting calls . . .for yet another rejection. Waiting tables and tending bar at night, so you can pound the pavement by day in endless and fruitless searches for just that ONE SHOT. Knowing deep down that you’re never gonna’ make it and just wanting to call home, if only you could still talk to your folks without asking for money. Just to hear them say they were proud of you, just once. Well, like I said, I’m COMING. The thing that sets me apart from this sad and tragic lot is quite simple. . . I am talented.
Now I know what you’re asking. (mom. . . ‘cuz you’re the only one still reading this). Don’t all these kids feel that way when they pack up and head to Hollywood? Well, Maybe. I don’t know. I’ve never actually talked to anyone in the business, but I watch a lot of TV. I got lost in some talent agency, about a year ago, trying to find someone to represent a film and TV script, only to be greeted by 2 large security guards announcing (quite impressively) that they did not accept unsolicited material. They did give me a business card (after I begged for one) and I did see Shia Lebeoff as they gently escorted me past the valets. So if you want to get technical, I’ve “rubbed elbows” with some pretty impressive individuals. But, as I see it, it was they – who had a brush with greatness.
So if any of you have the opportunity to take a bus tour of the “Stars Homes” in a few weeks, pay close attention to your Guide. Tip him well, as he needs every cent to move his family down there. The rent is bordering on illegal! For those of you who haven’t dosed off or found something more interesting, like an Online Papa John’s coupon, I still have some businness to discuss. For just the price of a cup of coffee, you too can send a needy family to Los Angeles! (MINE).
This is not a gimmick and if some of you can hang with me, I’ll have more details to follow. It will be for the betterment of mankind, or at the very least, will help one guy fulfill a dream and generate a little buzz in La-La Land! And isn’t that what we all want? Me to feel better? One last thing about the job in Santa Monica. . . Did I mention I haven’t driven down there all that much? Should make for an interesting summer!
Peace – Later
D A N

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