Venice Beach "Schitzo or Bluetooth?" (Adam Lambert gets a reprieve)

Call this entry a “preemptive strike” if you will. I would just as soon get the “Shock and Awe” out of the way prior to my return to this last vestige of overpriced hotel rooms and a population that makes Perez Hilton’s black book look like, well . . .The Foreward?

I am returning with my family and it looks like it may be a little warmer this week. That means the “Large Jungle-Thonged Aborigini” will be going through his paces at Muscle Beach! Hoowah! I don’t know if any of you have had the honor of meeting this man. What a thrill it is every time we return to walk around the corner by “Jody Mahoney’s Hot Dog and Sausage Wonder Emporium for Tourists Needing To Spend Way Too Much For Clogged Arteries and Colon Cancer”, and find our good friend Russell the Aborigini. Clad in a loin cloth that would make John and Bo Derek both blush. Is John still alive? Either way. . .But there in all his overweight and sweaty splendor is “Russell” accompanying Russell on his many obvious boardwalk adventures is “Lil’ Russell the Love Muscle”. Let me just say, folks that if you haven’t eaten prior to coming to the beach, should you encounter the two (they travel in tandem), you will swear off Jody Mahoney for a month! (This has all been a thinly-veiled reference to his “junk”.) But all in all, well worth the price of admission.
All seriousness aside.
I have neither met or talked to either “Russell”. I’m not sure that’s even his name! For all I know his name is Leonard Thompkins from Inglewood. But this is how I choose to address this South California Treasure and that is how I know I’ve arrived at my favorite little stomping grounds. It’s also around the same time I shield my childrens’ eyes and start counting heads.
That’s also when my wife and I like to start playing a little game we call, “Schitzo or Bluetooth“. We like to pick random people who are walking down the strip and decide, as they talk to themselves out loud, if they are actually talking to someone on a wireless, hands-free headset or if they are, in fact, mentally ill. We have been playing different variations of this game through the years. It started as “Really Talking to Someone On Their Cell or That Insecure?” and evolved into “Is Their Gynecologist Appointment That Important That The Whole World Has To Hear About it or NOT?” Now we have this updated version and I find it far more entertaining. You should play it some time. At any rate, in a place like this, in case you run out of funds (We obviously never do) it provides a good day and a half of enjoyment. You can skip the “Hollywood” stuff entirely and most of the “Universal” tour blows anyway.
Why do I complain (or at least seem to) incessantly about this place? Because I want to LIVE THERE! I want to walk among the freaks as their cherished Master! Just kidding! I want to live in Santa Monica and have a decent job, find an agent, become a character actor, do some commercials and maybe a bit part in a decent movie, sell my screenplays, Blow the Lid off the Joint with an Epic Animated Feature Film Franchise and retire to a secluded island retreat that make “Jimmy Buffet” jealous! It’s all quite simple, really!
I’ll be honest, my bid for total world domination is falling woefully short in spite of this AMAZING blog and as a result of my apparent internet ineptitude. I have a raucous and obviously overzealous group of “Twitter” elite with offers to increase my “Blog and Tweet” activity 10 fold in less than the time it takes me to finish this sentence. 2 years ago if someone was to want to increase my “Blog and Tweet” activity, they would have probably told me to try Metamucil. Go Figg’r!
So for the now 16 or so of you that read this blog (yet still no FOLLOWERS), I appreciate your support and I will return with the continuation of how Adam Lamber,Perez Hilton, and Tony Robbins renewed my faith in humanity. But I will be incommunicato for a few days. I’ve got a couple interviews IN Santa Monica and who knows. I’m still looking for a little help though. If someone knows of a 3 Bedroom apartment in Culver City for cheap, let me know.
Talk at ya’ soon!
Peace – Later
D A N

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