How Adam Lambert,Perez Hilton and Tony Robbins Renewed My Faith In Humanity (or 7 dudes, a cable guy and a pizza place)

It’s an odd story, but amazingly it’s quite true my friends. How did two queens and a giant with, still remarkably white teeth (even after his ‘big-tobacco’ investigation and subsequent ‘MOTIVATIONAL REGIMEN TOUR’) , inspire a cynic (me) that all would be right again in this world? It all started three days ago when I was taking my beleagured and malnourished chihuahua out to “shake some dew of the lilies”. Again, for the record, let me explain that Maya(my daughters named her) has every opportunity to consume meals which are painstakingly set before her at least 3 times a day. We must make sure that the quantity of the food is such that she will not immediately begin projectile vomiting. That the texture of the food is “just so”, in an effort to make sure it (said food’s) departure doesn’t end up with her straining like an olympic weightlifter doing a “clean and jerk”. It is a very delicate matter and I’m sure you all feel better knowing that our dog (not geriatric and fully cleared by 3 licensed vets) just has a “nervous” stomach, and is having that stomach tended to. Yet it’s still another moment, when I look back at our behavior. So smug as we held our “jewel” of a find high overhead as we flaunted it to other potential pet-adopters and carried it out on our shoulders (my shoulder) saying “Wow, we got a helluva’ dog here!” Fast forward about a thousand bucks and several sleepless nights to. . . “I think it’s you’re turn to walk it. . .” or “Have you seen the doggie suppository?” Helps you bring it all back into focus. It’s not the dog’s fault. I can’t even pick out matching socks. My wife wholly supported my decision when I insisted on Maya. (they laugh at me now. . .out loud)

So there I was walking my beloved friend in crisis, thinking about how the day would unfold. I had to go to the grocery store. Yipee! Get gas in the car. Hooray! And figure out bills for the month. Boo! Hiss! I walked proudly, stride for stride, with my suboordinate and faithful buddy. We walked along the sidewalk of a busy thouroughfare near where I live. Maya pausing , occasionally, timidly inspecting the terrain to see if it was indeed worthy of a beating. She would look at me as if to ask “Eh?” After about 20 instances of this I generally tell her, “For the Love of Peter, Paul and Mary! Just do it!” Wherein, she commences with the poo and we get to turn around and walk the now 15 miles back to my townhouse.
When I say “townhouse”, I say it in the loosest definition possible. It is a house-like structure located within the city limits. When normal people say “townhouse” it conjures up thoughts of 2 couples on a ski trip to Tahoe, sitting by the fireplace sipping wine –  listening to Cole Porter, and chuckling that “Chip” has to wear the soft cast until the day they are scheduled to return back to work (at their co-owned software engineering firm) – in 3 weeks. But maybe that’s just me. Lets just say for all intents and purposes it is a “townhouse”. By the time I finished this latest thought in my head, we had arrived back home.(better?)
I kissed the dog and hugged the family goodbye and off I sped in my 1994 Ford Escort LS. (priceless.) As I chugged up the steep grade toward the main drag, I thought of what it was I needed to do again on this day of unparalleled responsibility and challenge. That is when I heard the most peculiar noise eminating from under the hood, and through the bowels, of the engineering marvel I found myself driving. I think somewhere on my list of “To-Do’s” for the day might have been putting the designated 5 dollars of gas in the gas tank. I soon realized that should have probably been number one on my “To-Do’s” list for yesterday.
All seriousness aside,
Allow me if you will, or even if you won’t, to explain the designated 5 dollars of gas. My beautifully-crafted and finely-engineered automobile is still a 1994 Ford Escort LS. It is a piece of crap. I, being the shrood businessman I am, feel that committing more than $5 at a time, towards the future of this car, is a little bit more of a gamble than I am willing to make. So though, I had played the odds, in this instance, it seemed that I had just “crapped-out”
As I began pushing the lifeless automobile up this steep grade, I couldn’t help but think how “Chip” probably never had such dilemmas. In fact he probably had people working for him whose  sole responsibility was to make sure that his “fleet” of cars was always fully serviced, clean and fueled. Was that “Chip” , just then, driving by in the Masarati? No matter, I began to feel the sweat pour down my,(not that bad for never working out) body. My muscles ached and my legs shook behind the awesome weight of this very compact car. I didn’t think I could make it another step under these grueling conditions. (It was hot for this time of morning, did I mention that?) When all of a sudden something strange and wonderful happened. At first, I might not have thought so – as 2 kids(20 years old or so) jumped out of a van across the street and came rushing towards me. I was unsure if this was going to be one of those “bum-rushed” type of incidents. Like when kids shoot people on bikes with paintball guns when driving by. (Which I DO NOT ENDORSE) or were they simply going to knock me out,take my shoes and take my car on a “joy-coast”. But I’ll be darned if they didn’t get behind the vehicle and begin to push. Then, without provocation, a small truck pulled up behind. 3 more kids piled out and joined the cause. Then one more car and more kids. By the time we reached the “Circle K” at the top of the hill, Seven kids in all had delivered me to refuge. But not until after having to push the car back twenty feet and then forward again another thirty. (I pulled up to the wrong side of the pump.)
Breathless and spent, after letting these fully capable and much more athletic young men, save me from my predicament I managed to stammer,”Th-thanks, g-guys!” I’m not much of a talker I guess. At least not when I feel every Pall Mall I smoked for a month in my throat and chest and I feel like convulsing like Maya after some bad “Kibble”. But I did tell them I’d mention them in this “SOON TO BE WORLD REKNOWNED GIFT OF INSIGHT TO MANKIND!”
So that was cool. You may wonder how my good old friends Adam Lambert, Perez Hilton and Tony Robbins work into the fray. Believe me they do. This was just the beginning of the couple days that I’ve been “Off the Job”. Giving you all what you clammer for and what the government doesn’t want you to know about. I’ll be back to finish this off my friends. . . Right after this. . . GO FIGG’R!
Peace Out – Later


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