Adam Lambert “Comes Out” to Fans While At a Minnesota ‘Sausage Festival’ (and other fictitious blog headlines)

Howdy campers! I thought that might get a few butts in the seats . . .

I was going to write, “While Touring an Oscar Mayer Plant”, but it didn’t have the same ring of semi-truth or believability to it. Why would he give up a free Saturday to tour a Processed-meat facility? I thank (the now 11 of) you, who have decided to make this blog a permanent fixture in your routine. (Hi Mom!) I know that I could just e-mail her or pick up the phone, but this way she thinks her “little boy” has made it! (Just smile and nod). She doesn’t need to now that everyone and their dog has one of these. By the way, our long nippled-dog will have a post next week. She’s running into some rewrite issues with the editor.
Recently, it’s been brought to my attention, (another tip of the hat to mom), that in order to ensure an avid and loyal readership I need to touch base on some “Hot Button” or “Boiler Plate” issues. To delve into controversial, relevant or dare I say “interesting” subject matter. Therefore, as an artist, and in all good conscience, I can only respond by saying: I absolutely, categorically will NOT address these issues . . .      
One at a time. 
What? (and for those of you wondering – mom only reads the stuff between parentheses)
So issues I will find on my radar are all fair play! I will take suggestions. I will turn down suggestions. I will make up suggestions from you if I think something is interesting enough to talk about. Things I will NOT talk about: My childhood, Rush Limbaugh, string cheese,doilies, Barack Obama’s father, marinara sauce, the cost of diapers or Lime disease. (Not particularly in that order).
I would like to open the floor real quick with MY overview of CELEBRITY. For those of you who have read a few excerpts of this “Peabody-Winning Masterpiece”, you know I have a hidden agenda. For the first-timers, just get comfortable (you’ll catch on).(MOM-can I put the dark clothes in with the lights?) Sorry, I’m doing laundry. Okay, CELEBRITY. I find the word fascinating, I find them fascinating, I find the whole theory that “they” aren’t like “us” fascinating. The whole concept is riveting and worthy of a blog all its own. (Oh wait a minute, I think there already are a few million out there!) That’s why I don’t necessarily want to get all caught up in CELEBRITY in my blog. I want to entertain. But it is worth a nod, so here I am.
Let me touch briefly, on the young man that I used to illustrate a point in the title of this piece. No, I don’t want to touch briefly on Adam Lambert, just the idea I used to represent a point. (Just wanted to clarify.) Here’s a guy plucked from relative obscurity (if you count his two prior Broadway runs of Les Miserables and his solo LP) and is thrust into the spotlight and the pinnacle of superstardom virtually overnight (16 weeks). He’s on every magazine cover,every talk show, every game show and I’m pretty sure he’s slated to do the new ShamWow Infomercial with Octomom! (I guess the old guy is having some legal problems.)
The question is “Who is this Kid?” and “How does he have any bearing on my life whatsoever?” The fact that I’m writing his very name is ironic to me. The funniest part is HE DIDN’T EVEN WIN! I don’t know, I think there is some sort of recount fiasco going on in Alabama. Bottom line, though, is this. He’s a household name now. But for what? He didn’t cure cancer or invent a Portable x-ray device that emits no radiation that can be taken in the field to make a diagnosis without moving the victim and causing further injury (did that – in a dream last week). Color me jealous? I suppose. But not for the reasons one might think.
I want the opportunity to have an audience the size that Adam had. To make people sit up and take notice of the “Every Day” guy and gal in America.To laugh, smile, discuss and laugh some more at “CELEBRITY” and at ourselves. It gets ridiculous to me sometimes when I sit down with my family at a meal and turn on the TV, the amount of press coverage given to the kind of shoes Michelle Obama wears. 
When Nancy O’Dell and Billy Busch (who I love and respect as law-abiding citizens) report the latest CELEBRITY being sent to rehab, it goes something like this: “Actress Lindsay Lohan and her jilted ex-lover were spotted at upscale club ‘Shalimar’s’, just hours before being admitted to the famed “Blossoms of Hope” rehab facility earlier this morning. The couple, spotted wearing matching bib-overalls and carrying Gucci handbags, entered the facility arm-in-arm accompanied by luggage-toting bellhops, who were wearing . . .blah,blah,blah”. Do you see anything wrong with this picture? Yeah, me neither. (She was due back about now anyway.)
No, what I’m getting at is this country’s insatiable appetite for “All Things CELEBRITY”. I’m as guilty as the next guy. I don’t want to bash anyone for being a CELEBRITY. Heck, I want to be one too. C’mon everyone let’s all be a CELEBRITY.
Therein lies the catch. In order to be a CELEBRITY you have to give up certain comforts we “common folk” take for granted. (Like walking outside of your home – especially into your yard). But I think I might be able to give up such frivolous luxuries for a shot at the big time. Like I stated in a previous blog. I wouldn’t even have to be famous for very long. Just long enough for my movie to hit $200 million, get my cut of the royalties and merchandising, pay for my kids school and retreat into relative obscurity somewhere in the Midwest. Like Bridget Fonda. (Bridget, please now that I didn’t Google you before writing this and I’m not even sure you’re actually still alive. If you are . . God Bless and I loved you in Doc Hollywood,)
So my friends(if you’re still with me). That’s a little bit of my take on CELEBRITY. Please note that no CELEBRITIES were slandered or otherwised harmed in the writing of this blog. My apologies to Adam Lambert and his legions of diehard fans. (My daughters 7th grade class). This was fun. I hope you guys come back for more. . . (goodnight mom!)
Peace Out-Later
D A N
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