Go Figg&#039;r

Everything’s a BIG Joke to You, Isn’t It?

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on January 21, 2010 by danof89

. . .Um. . . What?. . . That really sounds more like a statement than a question. . . doesn’t it? I am frequently confronted with that statement/question and am rarely certain how the person would like me to respond to/answer it. . . Has there ever been a time in your life, when you wish that you could be given a few extra minutes to come up with a witty retort or a snappy comeback?

(this is very useful for those that don’t like to think for themselves) Was there ever a time, when someone so befuddled you, that you stood there staring “blankly” at them – wishing to God, that you didn’t look as utterly mindless and lacking of any wit-based thought as you did. . . at THAT very moment? Think for a minute or two. . . Have you ever been, say, at WORK or some other “Meaningless” Social-Type setting where your response-time to a devastating or potentially ego-deflating remark, was of the utmost importance? Only to find yourself driving home in your car from the humiliation – feeling beaten, dejected and in dire need of a ”Do – Over”?

“Man if I would have just said, NO – I think it’s YOU that is a Doofus-Face and it is obvious to EVERYONE that you have a bladder control problem, bad skin and more than likely a stray patch of unsightly hair on your lower back, that you can’t reach with a razor OR a pair of tweezers!”

“. . . That’s what I SHOULD’VE said. . . “

If you’ve not had the privilege of meeting me to begin your thankless, cumbersome and long-suffering journey of figuring out what makes me “tick” (I enjoy eating meat. . . like ALOT) you could very easily find yourself “behind the eight ball”, when trying to have a conversation with me. I am not exactly “wired” the way most people are – OR want you to believe that they are. In the course of a regular day with moderate to heavy human interaction, I will find a large number of situations humorous and MORE than a handful of those individuals, that I come across. . . stupid. Please, don’t get me wrong. I am not so arrogant that I feel that I am “smarter” than other people. . .I’m just “better” than other people. NO. . . not ALL people. . . Just most. And that’s OK. . . In fact, it’s probably a really good indicator as to why I’ve been unable to really “get anywhere” in life. (Or so I’ve led myself to believe) Because, by and large, the majority of those IN CHARGE of those areas in LIFE

, that I wish to make great strides or achieve a healthy amount of success in. . . are idiots

. The chain of events that put these people in a position of Power and Authority (and continue to KEEP them there) seems to have taken place long before I was EVER born. . . Some may say that I am just “kidding” myself. . . That is VERY true. If I left it up to others to do the “kidding”, well I wouldn’t be laughing much at all and I might just be left waiting an awfully LONG time. So. . .I guess the JOKE. . . is on ME. . . Pull up a chair neighbor. . . Jokes for everyone!

You see, unlike those of you unfortunates that I referred to at the top of this, I DO have a “Ready Reserve” of things I’d like to say to anyone that decides they would like to “Play”. (Meaning they have decided to DO or SAY something, that in my opinion, is dumb

) It’s all really just in the “Preparation”. You never know when someone is going to do something that insults your sensibilities. But, you will undoubtedly encounter a number of them on any given day. You’ve just got to keep your eyes open. If you feel that you have been “wronged” in some way. If you feel sometimes that life has given you the short end of the stick. I have two sure-fire ways to improve your outlook on your circumstances in any given situation:

Don’t Take Life So Seriously

Always Say The First Thing That Comes to Mind

Do I care about telling people the first thing that comes to my mind? I suppose. . . on SOME level. Probably on the level that is struggling to figure out how I am going to pay the bills. . . or pay for my kids’ educations. But, if you want to free yourself from the Bondage of Boneheads

, you must be willing to Speak Your Mind. You can’t be afraid of “saying the wrong thing“. How many times has “second guessing” yourself led to less than desirable results? Think about it. But not too long. Go with your gut. People’s intuitions (unless you ARE the bonehead) are usually the best way to go. Here’s a quick example:

I was in the preliminary stages of early courtship with my current wife. She is also my only wife. (As in – I wasn’t previously married and haven’t married since) We were at a dining establishment. I ordered for the both of us, as is the tradition. (until you get married – then you decide what you will SPLIT) We received the food and exchanged pleasantries. During the course of the meal, it occurred to me that the food that we had been ingesting. . . was gross. Not wanting to upset my wife, I casually asked her how her food was. My wife, not one for public displays of vomiting told me it was, “Okay”. For her sake I choked down the remainder of the slop and smiled. . . and waited. . . As is the case in most of the finer eateries, a wait staff person approached us towards the end of the meal to inquire if the “food” had been to our liking. Knowing that this was one of the first times I had publicly dined with my soon-to-be wife, I thought this was the perfect time to “Set the Tone” for the evening and make a lasting impression. . .

“How was everything?”, asked the wait staff person, in a clear attempt to provoke me.

“This was disgusting”, I replied, pushing away from the table.

Quickly turning on me, the wait staff person growled, “What was wrong with it?”

“It was cold, it tastes horrible and I don’t even know what ‘this part’ is,” I said, flicking a piece of parsley to the side in bewilderment.

At this point, I hadn’t noticed that my wife must have dropped a fork and was rustling around under the table, trying to find it. . . or an “escape hatch”.

“Well, what would you like me to do?” the wait staff person asked, now obviously threatened by my brutish honesty.

“Bringing me the check would be good,” I replied. . . sensing I’d somehow personally offended her, but not caring in the slightest.

. . . And that was it. I didn’t ask for the waitress to “Comp” the meal. Even though I’m unsure that crap could be classified as “food”. I DID have some manners. I was on a DATE for crying out loud. I had to make a good impression! I didn’t want my soon-to-be wife to think I was CHEAP (she would find that out after we got married) It was the PRINCIPLE of the thing. If you don’t say anything to people. . . If you don’t tell them the truth. . . Well then you have no one to blame but yourself, the next time someone tries to take a big old DOOKIE on your day. I’m fairly certain the wait staff person hadn’t personally prepared the meal and was a little dismayed by her expressed internalization of my critique. Whatever. I’m sure she’s gotten over it by now. Never mind, that my wife brings this “outing” up ’til THIS VERY DAY (some 7 years later) as a major source of personal embarrassment. I have been embarrassed scores of times in life and this doesn’t even make the Top 100

. I don’t think she gets out much. But the point is, that she KNEW from that day forward, exactly WHO she was dealing with. . . I mean the wait staff person. I’m sure my wife will tell you it’s “anybody’s guess” with me.

Okay, so that was an example of “Telling it Like it Is”. This can also help you to avoid having to succumb to the latest in “Giving In to Life”. Most recently, I’ve noticed that people (meaning YOU or others like you) have adopted

THE BIGGEST “COP-OUT” PHRASE IN THE HISTORY OF WUSSYDOM:

“. . .Well, it IS what it IS”. . .

or a variation thereof“WHAT?”

Humor me here, but it didn’t have to be THAT way at all, if someone (other than me) would’ve DONE something about it.

All Seriousness Aside. . .

There are also times in your life when you come across people that are diametrically opposed to “Who you are” as a human being. They have a completely opposing view of the way things “are” and undoubtedly “should be”. In my life, these people have no way of knowing, when they wake up in the morning, that I will let them know (in no uncertain terms) that I do not take them OR their situation seriously. Now, I understand that, in adolescence, there are a number of larger kids out there – in schools throughout America – that like to torture those children that they perceive as somehow “weaker” than they. As an adult, I have also observed this to be the case. . . between adults. There are those adults that trudge through life, victimizing other adults – like they were bullies, walking the halls of junior highs taunting and threatening pimple-faced or overweight kids for their lunch money

. Being the victim of bullies (actually ONE bully – another bit, for another day) in my youth, I recognize this kind of behavior in my workplace. Ironically, I am still a part-time PUBLIC SCHOOL BUS DRIVER. However, I see this mindset in more of the adults I observe, than in all the miles I’ve logged toting around your snot-nosed kids. I mean. . . the most precious of cargo. . .Our Future

. But, I also recognize this as a unique opportunity to right some wrongs and exact a certain measure of revenge. . . These folks don’t know what to do when they’ve been “INTELLECTUALLY PANTSED”

As a PUBLIC SCHOOL BUS DRIVER I am given the “opportunity” to interact and even “work” with a fairly large cross-section of humanity. During the course of any given day, any number of “events” can and DO occur. (though, rarely to me) Most recently, one particularly large “Cross-Section of Humanity” decided to “Get all up in my Kool-Aid”

We have currently been experiencing a series of “Rain Events” here in Central California. An oddity. YES, the rain. (we get very little per year) and YES, the “weather folks” in our area insisting on calling them “events”. (I buy my tickets through Ticketmaster) Needless to say (though, I am going to) people in this area aren’t exactly adept at driving in these kind of weather-enhanced conditions. As a result, a number of bus drivers, in my department, found that the onslaught of rain (almost an inch a day!) added in the just the “right” concentration to soil, produced. . . mud. As you can imagine, this produced a malay of mass confusion to some of my colleagues, ill-equipped for such a dilemma. As I drove my route (ensuring I maintained a safe speed and more than adequate following distance) I heard ONE panicked plea for assistance, that caught my attention:

“Dispatch (nerves, audibly frayed – confidence. . .shaken) This is bus Alpha Zero Niner (fictional number, to protect the stupid) I can’t move my bus. . . It’s stuck”.

Dispatch, overwhelmed by the number of calls from my fallen comrades, attempted to talk him through it. However, more often than not, in a bus versus mud situation, a bus cannot become “unstuck” of its own volition and it is necessary to perform an extraction. (this involves a tow truck and several taxpayer dollars) I recognized the driver’s voice being that of a colleague that, since my first day on the job, took it upon himself to point out other drivers’ inadequacies. Letting all that would listen know, that HE and HE ALONE was the King of Bus Drivers. . . All Hail the KING! Adding himself to the “David Beckham List” of pompous, yet strangely-revered people I can’t stand. He likes to make those around him feel “less than stellar” about their own personal achievements, all the while shamelessly flaunting his mediocrity. He is also “one of THOSE“. Who can’t take a joke. Last May, before we left for our Summer (Hope to God, I can Find a Job) Recess, I had been asked to turn in my fuel key. I joked with my supervisor, that I was unsure I would like to relinquish it – as I had planned on using it to fuel my family’s automobile on numerous recreational excursions, during the summer months. Unfortunately, my supervisor (who CAN take a joke) did not warn me that “King Beckham” (again, someone who CAN’T) was standing behind me. The driver decided to let it be known, right then and there, that many Bus Drivers had been employed there for a number of years, sweating and toiling tirelessly – all over the place, and didn’t appreciate my “Shenanigans”. I understand that he speaks for no one but himself. But he tends to do so. . . LOUDLY. At that point, I did NOT say the first thing that came to mind: ”Lighten Up, Pukeface”. . . There ARE exceptions to the rule. I just put that little comment in my mental Roladex and decided to wait. . .

So the day after the “Torrential Downpour Event“ (8 months and 6 days, after “Mr. Tightbutt” decided to “Lay the Smack Down”) I “accidentally” ran into him at work.

“Got stuck, Huh?” I asked sensitively.

“Yeah, I don’t know what happened,” he replied angrily, sure that I was not going softly into that good night. . .

“You drove into mud,” I shared, “I probably wouldn’t have done that,” – hoping it would provide him with some valuable insight and possibly assist him in not replicating his misfortune in the future.

Now, I think it should be pointed out here that I’ve known this driver for nearly 2 years and he is well aware that I have a very low threshold for “Stupid”. I also decide, from time to time, to sprinkle a certain amount of levity on a situation – when I deem it warranted. This was one of those times. . . This is also when it got WEIRD. . .

“Everything’s a BIG JOKE to you, isn’t it?” he snorted.

“Not ALL of it,” I replied, unsure where this was going and whether or not I could “Take” him (I can’t) - and ALSO making note of a dark stain on the “lap” portion of his trousers.

By now, a few coworkers (nearly 3000 strong) smelled a little blood in the water and had decided to “go ringside” for a “free show”. I have to admit. The “chum-lover” in me, felt itself stirring. . . I Love me some chum. . .

“You’re a smart ass!” he sniped, most assuredly trying frantically to put me in my place and gain the upper hand.

Before I continue, I probably need to preface my “follow-up” with a reminder. My intention in initiating this conversation, was to lighten the mood of a cohort who recently had experienced a “trying day”. Someone, who obviously no longer dresses himself. In my defense, my response was meant to merely point out one obvious (to me) thing. . .

“Well it’s better than being a Dumbass. . .” (Meaning, if I had a choice between the two – Smart Ass would have to trump Dumbass”)

Unfortunately, this is how that response was heard:
“YOU. . . are a DUMBASS

“. . . Things came to a screeching halt at this point. In my coworkers mind, I had just called him out in front of everyone as incompetent. NO. . . worse than that, I guess (we ARE bus drivers) After the “Ooo’s and Ahh’s”, snickers and “Oh no he DIN’T ’s (yes, din’t ’s)” subsided. He took a step towards me. Sensing he had taken my statement a little too “close to heart”, I braced myself. Visions of the world’s largest wedgie coming my way. (He outweighs me by about 300 pounds and could easily squish me . . . or eat me – without complaining about the food)

“I don’t Play like that,” he said. . . then he extended his hand. . .(in a gesture of friendship?). . . NO, upward. . . in the universally recognized “Talk to the Hand” sign. . .

I was unsure what to do (besides laugh hysterically). . . I began by half-heartedly trying to explain that in the whole “Smart versus Dumb” thing the alternative to Dumb was more appealing to me. . .

But, he simply turned around and walked away. . . A small part of me. . .sad. . .(everything being relative, any part of me next to him. . . is small)

I was beside myself, as were those watching what had just occurred. I knew in my heart of hearts I had done irreparable harm. . . I had taken away “his” fun. This guy, who had witnessed me joking around numerous times at the expense of myself and countless others. . . had “Nothing” to say. . . As he walked away, I said the only thing I could think of to try to salvage the “acquaintanceship”. . .

“Oh, C’mon. . . Don’t be a Stuck in the Mud!“

But he was gone. . . and you know something? I couldn’t be happier! Neither could anyone else. Teams of coworkers have since come out of the woodwork offering encouraging words, “Good job man!” or “I wish someone would have set him straight sooner”.

I’ve heard it said (Usually in the context of a World Wrestling Entertainment Pay-per-View, but it fits here too) that sometimes it becomes necessary to “Know your Role”

. I think I’ve got a pretty good grasp of what mine is in life and I’m fairly comfortable with it. However, I don’t think there is any way I could adequately prepare for a question/statement that seems to follow me wherever I go:

“Everything’s a BIG JOKE to you, Isn’t it?”

I suppose I could dust off the indefensible, “Well, I think that goes without saying, doesn’t it?”. . . then simply leave my new-found antagonizer to scratch their head. . . or butt – whatever triggers their thought process, to wonder, “What just happened?” But that doesn’t seem very satisfying to me. No, I’d much rather find what others do extremely fun to dissect, reconstruct for them in an easy-to-follow way, then point out why I thought it was either a horribly funny mistake or quite possibly – the single dumbest thing I’ve ever witnessed in the “History of Dumb Stuff”

. . . Let the chips fall where they may, I say. Besides. . . it makes me feel a whole lot better about the stupid crap that I do. . . Talk about a “mess”. . . Don’t get all “bunched up” about stupid things. . . ‘cuz I’m watching. . . Don’t WISH you would’ve said it. . . After all. . . It IS what it IS. . .

‘Til Then. . . Go Figg’r!
Peace Out – Later

No News is Good News. But Bad News KICKS ASS!

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on January 7, 2010 by danof89

I think we need to start by defining what constitutes “NEWS”. Could it be events that happen to “everyday” folks, like you and me? (or you) Possibly, but more than likely – it would have to be an event that was somewhat “out of the norm”. Otherwise, it would be merely a “happening”. As in:

“Did you hear what ‘happened’ to Mitch? He lost his job at Whirly Burger, because he refused to wash his hands after ‘dropping a deuce’ “. No, it seems to me that what constitutes “NEWS” today, usually consists of events surrounding people we view as somehow ‘IMPORTANT’ (i.e. Celebrities, Politicians and an occasional Cult Leader)

OR in EXTREME cases (“Slow NEWS Days”) it might be an ordinary person, thrust into EXTRAORDINARY circumstances. (i.e. Someone making up a NEWS STORY and LYING about their child hopping into a hot air balloon, so that they could get on a Reality TV Show

. . . OR a “couple” of people sneaking in to a party hosted at the White House, so that they could get on a Reality TV Show. . . I’m sensing a trend.)

Oh, sure you may occasionally get a “cute” Public Interest Story about a DOG that saves some kid from falling through the ice and drowning in Oshkosh, Wisconsin. But, those kind of fluffy “feel good” stories aren’t as GOOD as people in such dire need of attention, that they are willing to waste tax-payer money and law enforcement resources to show that they are worthy of our “attention”. No siree. . . Anyway, “Little Timmy” should have known that the ice was thin. . . There was “standing water” on it. . . Screw Timmy. . . I want to hear about Bruce Jenner calling the cops on his neighbor.

One of the reasons I have “steered” clear of Current Events of late, is because it really doesn’t seem all that “Current” to me. Doesn’t the same basic “stuff” happen to the same few people every year. Even if it isn’t the same exact people, does it really MATTER? Not only that, but doesn’t it seem like the Nightly News, overall, is pretty NEGATIVE? Who needs all that negativity? If they DO say something positive on the Nightly News, it is usually when Brian Williams talks about “Little Timmy” in the last 30 seconds before telling us to tune in the following night to watch another half hour of how EVIL the world is and how much people suck. But occasionally (like once a month or something) he’ll tell us about “People Making a Difference” . This is wonderful. . . I LOVE hearing about people who make me look like a “Big Useless Turd to Society”. . . Thanks “Bri”. . . Oh, and please keep the stories coming about “Celebrities Making a Difference”

. . . good stuff. Celebrities have ENOUGH. . . They don’t need to be glorified for volunteering at a Soup Kitchen. Here’s the News as I see it. . .

Celebrity overdose. . . Celebrity “accidental” overdose. . . Celebrity Scandal. . . Latest Celebrity “Wife-swapping” or “Adoption” Event. . . Blah, Blah, Blah. Iraq. . . Pakistan. . . Little Timmy. . .Goodnight. The line is so blurred between the Nightly News and Tabloid News, that I personally can’t tell the difference anymore. . . That could have easily been a telecast done by either Mr. Williams or my “friend” Billy Bush

. . . Though, I think SNL has YET to invite Billy to host the show. . . In all fairness, Brian Williams was COMIC GOLD. . . But I couldn’t be any more DONE with TIGER, if I was. . . whoever his wife is, again. . . Now he’s shirtless on the cover of GQ?. . . Do I CARE?. . . Do YOU?. . . But we KNOW about it. . .hmm

All Seriousness Aside. . .

I think I am going to continue keeping my “News Consumption” to a minimum for a while. I may just keep it very BASIC. . . I call my MOM. . . a LOT. Every other day or so. She likes to keep up on the “News” from our house. As some of you may be aware, I have been undergoing a battery of tests concerning a recent pancreatic problem. Mom needs to know ALL about this. Without getting too graphic, I’m running out of orifices for my doctors to poke, probe or expose to large amounts of radiation – so that they can complete all of the necessary tests designed to let me know. . . I’m getting old. I think I’m down to my “ear holes” and my Urethra. . . I’m not even sure I HAVE one of those. . . or is that a Uterus? No, I think it’s the pee hole. Either way, I give mom the “news” and then I get to hear. . . “hers”. She usually, begins by telling me bout Gertrude or Agnes “So and So” – whom, I’m fairly certain I’ve never met, and if I DID, it was probably in passing or during my “Infancy or Toddler Years”. (If that is the case; I can’t be held responsible for actually “remembering” them, CAN I? To be fair, from age 6 months to 3 years, I had “a lot going on” and can’t be expected to put a name with a face. Especially, when I still depended on someone to wipe my butt. . . and tell me MY name.) . . . BUT, she’ll go on and on for about an hour, about how she found the perfect “throw rug”, while bargain shopping with her friend Phyliss (who she’s almost sure I met at my Christening – or was it my Circumcision?) Either way, it would go perfect in the living room of the house we lived in. . . 6 years ago. . . That’s the time MOST people pull out the TMI CARD (Too Much Information) If they didn’t when I said Uterus. . . or pee hole.

But, the point is (I think). . . I need to “scale back” on my NEWS. I’ve recently started to try to make up little Newscasts in my mind to amuse myself. (Seems not watching the news has freed up some spare time) I’ll notice things. Like things in the city where I live. For those that still don’t know. . . Bakersfield, California

. . . It’s okay. . . no, really. . . I’ll be alright. But, the truth is – I live in town where people. . .JUST . . .DON’T. . . CARE. . . . about ANYTHING.

I mean, you may think that YOU don’t, sometimes and SURE, there’s plenty of apathy out there. . . But let me assure you – Nothing like this place. I’ve told you of the vacuous, soulless, eyes of its citizens. The streets lined with grocery carts. The bums trying to steal identities from welfare check stubs out of people’s trash containers, while collecting cans. . . But, there is one particular feature of this community that I have NOT been able to get used to. If I could make a newscast out of it, I would. Actually, I COULD, but that requires getting the camera out and charging the battery and all that. . . So I’ll TELL you. Actually let me ASK you. . .Do you go to the supermarket in your Pajamas? I’m not talking about running to the “7-11″ to grab milk in your house shoes, I mean SHOPPING? I think, unless you’re the recently DEAD Michael Jackson going to court, that pajamas are not meant for public forums. Now I know that, by and large, I certainly don’t “give a rip” about Celebrities doing outlandish, zany or distasteful things. In fact, I EXPECT them to. But you get some 400 pound woman riffling through the “Bargain Bin” at the market: Rollers in hair, in a pair of slippers, knee-high nylons, varicose veins -throbbing and a “barely there” house coat – while I’m just trying to “squeeze” (avoiding any and ALL contact) past her LARGENESS to find food for my family?. . . I forget what I even went in there for. . . Cottage Cheese?. . .

No, but thank you for the visual. You see. . . to me, this is Regular People NEWS:

“You know. . . Something really needs to be done down at the grocery store about those Pajama-clad Wildebeests, pilfering dry goods at the entrance at 3PM on a Wednesday. . . Now, back to you in the studio, Bradley. . .”

That’s yet another problem I have with the NEWS. . . I do not like when National Reporters decide they want to “toss it back” to my local anchor people. . . by NAME. Do they really think that I’m going to “buy it”, that they are on a first name basis with these schlubs? Isn’t it MORE likely, that they do NOT frequent the same watering holes and that the National Reporters stand in front of a “green screen” all day “tossing it back” to EVERY SINGLE NAME IMAGINABLE? “Now back to you in the studio. . . Maxamillian Kubacheski. . . “. This alternative makes a lot more sense to me and their little “LIE” doesn’t make the newscast seem any more “authentic” to me. . . so, please discontinue doing this. . . it is annoying me.

While I have you here (unless you’ve stopped reading – and we don’t NEED them. Do we Maxamillian?) I would also plead to Local and National Television News Conglomerates to stop airing any more Mammogram File Footage. I understand that “Breast Cancer Awareness and Prevention” are important. My mother is a 3 year Breast Cancer Survivor. But there’s got be something ELSE they can show. Even if it IS a different woman (I don’t believe it to be) The three-quarter rear view of some lady, hospital gown lowered on one side, arm raised, “creeping up” on one of those machines while the “Boobiologist”
squishes it in the “X-Ray Vice of Doom” – is growing tiresome. . . Can you “mix things up” a little? Maybe some background dancers? The “Solid Gold Dancers”

would be cool. At least the footage would be more current. There are so many more ways you could handle “boobs”. . . I mean talking about them. . . I mean, nevermind.

I know I can’t COMPLETELY avoid the NEWS. But, I know of people that say they “Don’t Follow” it. You’ve met them haven’t you? For example – that guy that tried to blow up the plane over Detroit on Christmas (concealing a cellophane baggy of powdered, highly explosive “Crotch Tang” in his boxers). I heard the news on the radio, while on my way to pick up some milk at the “7-11″, while wearing a bathrobe. I thought this was the “funniest” news story I’d heard in quite some time and decided to open up a dialogue about it with the next person I came into contact with. When I heard he’d “smuggled” the explosives on board under his clothing, my mind automatically went to his underwear (before I ever HEARD it) THEN, when I heard he’d started a FIRE with it, while it was still under his clothes, I immediately wondered. . . if he’d burnt his “junk” off.

Anyway, the first person I came across, happened to be the cashier at the “7-11″ when I stopped to get gas and pick up the milk.

“So what do you think about the guy who tried to blow up the plane?” I asked jovially, preparing to deliver my thoughts on the subject.

“I don’t follow the news,” the attendant replied, his gaze not meeting mine, as he peered over my shoulder at a television broadcasting that very NEWS . . . Live.

“REALLY,” I managed, ” I guess he burnt his crotch off”, leaving the store – unsatisfied by the gas attendant that really doesn’t “Get It”.

. . . See to ME, the only good part of the NEWS is when you add a little something m”Extra” to it, when sharing it with someone else. . . A little “Speculatory Seasoning”, if you will (or even if you won’t). More often than not; when you “make something up” about a NEWS story you’ve heard, read or seen – it automatically makes that story “more interesting” – and in turn, makes YOU “more interesting”. If it turns out, in the end, that your little “fabrication” was “way off base”, you need only say that, “You could swear, you heard that. . . somewhere”. . .OR you can just say that you saw it on FOX NEWS

or read it in “The Times”.

If I could go back and have had that conversation at the “7-11″ again, it might have gone more like this:

“Hey, did you hear about that guy that tried to blow up the plane?”

“No, I don’t follow the news.”

“That’s weird. He said something about your wife and kids and that if you didn’t wire him the money you’ve been saving up to move the rest of your family here to overcharge me 20 cents a gallon for watered-down gas and to say rude things to my wife, when she comes in here without me – that he’d tell everyone you were Al Qaeda -and- that you’ve been taking private flying lessons and spending an awful lot of time at the bus terminal, picking up Greyhound schedules to heavily-populated cities. . . Say, do you have a BROTHER?”

“Would you mind watching the store for a moment. . . Friend?”

“Not at all. . . Take your time. . . “

Of course, if I were ever to run in to him again, I’d obviously apologize for the “misunderstanding” But, I would quickly dismiss my actions as “justified”. . . After all, I saw it. . . on the NEWS. . . somewhere.

(By the way, “this particular” gas station attendant and I don’t EXACTLY see a whole lot of each other in social settings. . . He’s seen me in a bathrobe – and he’s rude to my wife)

The last thing I’d like to mention is the guy that made that Muhammad cartoon almost getting “whacked”, while living in a house (in Denmark) equipped with a “Panic Room” – where he’d been living under armed surveillance, since 2008 – because of a cartoon he put out in 2003. Being a cartoonist myself – and being known to “spin a silly yarn” from time to time I can only say, “Somebody, can’t take a joke”. I don’t know, I’d like to think that the majority of those in the Islamic community are a fun-loving people. I wouldn’t mind seeing what they can come up with in the way of an “Islamic Sit-Com” or even an “Islamic Late-Night Variety Show”. . . I may be waiting a while. . . Do they not “get it”?

Sometimes I just wish Mom would call and tell me about a new mole she discovered, while shopping her local craft store for styrofoam balls. . . with her friend Mildred. . . whom I met when I was an embryo. . .

‘Til Then. . . Go Figg’r!

Peace Out – Later

LOLBlips – No News is Good News, But Bad News, KICKS ASS! lolblips_story_widget_638117(false);

The “Random House” Rules

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on December 31, 2009 by danof89

Okay. . . So we’ve established that I have a chip on my shoulder and wear my heart on my sleeve. It seems that leaves me “just” enough room for a “Name Tag” on my lapel. . . “Would you like FRIES with that?”. . . At the onset of the 2000’s, it appears that my “professional attire” will remain stuck somewhere between a perpetual “Casual Friday” and a “glorified Bag Boy uniform”. Though I am not actually required to wear a name tag for my current occupation (Substitute Public School Bus Driver)
I might as well be. With a powder blue polo shirt, with my “handler’s” name emblazoned on the chest, it basically SCREAMS, “Yeah. . . women chose the color. . . Really angry women. . . You got a problem with that?” But alas. . . what can I do? Absolutely nothing. . . or can I?

I sit here, at the end of yet another of my children’s “Winter Break Sessions”

(No longer referred to as “Christmas Break” – As you undoubtedly know, GOD has been strategically removed from “Christ”mas – and now I know why) By the end of the second week, it seems like an “ungodly” amount of time for children to be sent home in an attempt to deplete us of our resources, patience and sanity. “Yeah, we had a GREAT Holiday, how about you? Woo hoo.” To be honest, about halfway through the first week, my wife and I found new and interesting ways to to “duck out” of the house, every few hours:

“Hey Honey,” I’d say – my nerves frayed, as our five year began bouncing off of the last “standing wall” in our home. “I think we need to go talk to SANTA. Ya’ know. . . about that. . . one thing”.

My wife now gathering her purse, car keys and a small overnight bag would respond, “Yeah,” kissing the kids and taking photos to remember them by, “We better get going. . . the North Pole is a long way and with all the Holiday traffic. . . “

Then we leave our kids in the hands of our (capable?) 18 year old. . .

We never really know for certain what happens when we leave the four kids home alone. I don’t really want to know. My best guess, would probably resemble a scene out of “Lord of the Flies”

or “Apocalypse Now”

. But as long as there are no “casualties” upon our return from “SantaLand” (an imaginary place, to some – we just drive around in “very enjoyable” silence) we typically view it as a successful outing. We usually come home to find the 18 year old cowering in a back room of the house, while the remainder of the children finish spilling the last of whatever they can find that will leave the “darkest possible” stain on our “new” carpet.

(quick note for parents of teenagers: the best birth control for kids is to have them babysit ours) Any other time of year a stain on the carpet would send us into “orbit”. But a stain on the carpet during “Winter Break Session”, means . . . another excuse to leave the house.

“Hey Honey,” I’ll say – my nerves shot, as my 5 year old finishes up “fusing” our dog to our cat, with a hot glue gun

. “I think we need to go talk to that CARPET GUY. . . about that. . . one thing”.

These types of “errands” can keep us busy for a good portion of the first week. But by the the second week, we’ve spent all of our legitimate “Christmas” money, our “gas budget” is exhausted and the kids have started to catch on every time we “excuse ourselves” – Now, merely finding ourselves wandering to the end of the block in a daze. My five year old always suspects our “deception” first.

“Are you guys coming in?. . . I’m hungry!” she yells, to the end of the block, where we huddle – trying to blend in with. . . anything.

“Yes baby,” I’ll reply, “Santa is dropping off some carpet cleaner. . . I’m meeting him out here”.

“At the corner?” she’ll ask (very inquisitive – 5 year olds).

“Yes, sweetie, now go inside and play with your new Pet(s)

“.

. . . But we’re almost there. the end of the “Winter Break Session”. The beginning of a New Year and a New Decade. The kids will be back in school. Which means I will be back to work. . . Which means I best “get to steppin’ ” on what it is I’ve decided to accomplish in the New Decade . I just turned 39 in November. . . It got me to thinking (which can sometimes be a “process”) It’s my understanding that some women have a “biological clock” set to about the same time (unless they are insane) that tells them, they’ve just about “used up” their alloted time for “making with the babies”. . . Now if you couple that with the “internal clock” telling a “professional” woman when a Glass Ceiling may no longer be able to be shattered (but may instead, just be a “really big skylight”) and I think you’ve also stumbled upon my “New Decade Dilemma”. . . and NO, not that I more closely identify with women, than with men.

But, just like bearing children, so do I view providing people with “Entertainment”. . . Painful? Sometimes. Labor-intensive? Certainly. “Messy”? Without question. . . But always rewarding. It has been a “process” trying to give you what you want. . . A “creation” that will keep you legally responsible and bound to me for “at least” another 18 years. . . In actuality, the parallels between telling a few jokes and childbirth, should draw absolutely NO comparisons. (I don’t almost pass out, while witnessing myself deliver a joke. When I saw my youngest delivered – it was almost LIGHTS OUT

) But I wanted to illustrate a point and get your attention. . .

THAT’S What I’m “still” doing here. . .

In 2010, I will turn 40. This is “my Glass Ceiling” and the “not-so imaginary” deadline, that I set for myself (when I was 30) for accomplishing a few things in life. . .

They are (in no particular order):

Move to California (check)

Get Married (check)

Start a Family (check)

Become Outlandishly Successful and Amazingly Wealthy doing what “I’m Best At” (that thing to be determined at a future date) – (still pending)

So. . . so. . . in the New Decade, I plan on being “busy”. I will not be making any “North Pole” runs (at least not until the 2010 “Winter Break Session”) In this final year of my self-imposed “Success Deadline”, I will do everything I can to determine what is “I’m Best At” and, in turn, become disgustingly (to my enemies) successful at “it”. At the same time, since I achieved the bulk of my goals by age 40 – out of order – my priorities have “shifted”. . . a LOT. I haven’t been writing “this” as often as some of you had grown accustomed to. Part of my goals (as some of you know) included becoming a published Children’s Book Author

and to have some of my “Creations” turned into a “Full-Length Animated Feature Film”. That goal remains. . . As far as COMEDY. . . I haven’t attempted any sort of “Stand Up” in years. To be able to do that and be “successful”, you cannot merely “dabble” in it. It’s also not a life conducive to a “Family Man” . At least not THIS “Family Man”. No – whatever I decide to pursue in order that I may achieve this “Final Goal” will be more than “Dabble-Worthy”. I want to be able to concentrate my efforts on getting published. Perhaps by Random House

. You’ve got to admit (if you’ve read my blog – with any regularity) You’d be hard-pressed to find anyone more “Random”. I would like to explore “helping out” some folks that are in desperate need of assistance. I’d like to “give back” to the Community. Reach out to those that need our help the most. . . Does anyone know the number for NBC? I think Conan and Leno could use a kick in the ass.

So, when you read my “Quibbles and Bits” in the upcoming year, there are a FEW things I’d like you to keep in mind. These aren’t necessarily RULES, but for lack of a better term, that’s what I’m calling them. Call them whatever you like. Call them a pile of “Horse Mess” for all I care. But this is “Where I’m At” in preparing for the New Year.

The “Random House” Rules for “Go Figg’r”

If I seem to contradict myself from time to time, it’s only because I DO. We live in a world filled with contradictions. Get over yourself.
Just when you think you’ve got “This” all figured out. Think again. Then ask your kids.
When you find yourself confronted with something you can’t “make sense of” . . . Stop trying to.
No one has all the Answers as long as YOU have all the Questions.
For those not fortunate enough to have been “blessed” with Adult ADD (like myself) FAKE IT. It isn’t a “condition”. It’s a coping mechanism. If you’re easily distracted, you have less time to dwell on the “BULLS**T”.

Whatever, direction I decide to take, I’ve got to move quickly. . . I’ve already started the list of things I need to do by age 50. . . It’s a tad bit daunting. . .

So. . . so. . . I just ask that you keep Reading, Voting, Giving and Sharing. In the New Year, I hope you keep helping to put ME on the map. . .

‘Til Then. . . Go Figg’r!

Happy New Year!

Peace Out – Later

Making Your Mark, Without Leaving a Stain

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on December 6, 2009 by danof89

. . . So WHAT was I saying? . . . Contrary to popular belief, or just my unfounded paranoia, Tom Cruise and his friends at “Thetans R Us” have NOT put a contract out on my life. (that I am aware of) So I have NOT been hiding out from them and living in peoples’ barns throughout the Midwest (which for the record, are quite spacious and often, well decorated – a lot like the one Patrick Swayze rented in“Roadhouse” – RIP, bro) . . . I have also not been on a month and a half long BENDER, which would ALSO probably have ended up with me living in peoples’ barns. More likely, as a result of being unable to find either my car keys, my car or my house. Though I would like to give a special thanks to those in charge of “Passages” for advertising on my “bit” and taking advantage of the opportunity of a lot (a purely fictional amount) of conjecture, speculation and piqued interest in my absence. . . For those that don’t know, “Passages Addiction CURE Center”, is located relatively nearby, in Malibu, CA. When I say relatively nearby, I speak in terms of geographical location and in “hours to get there.” (about 2 and a half-depending on traffic). Passages is also world-renowned for getting a few CELEBRITIES to “pull their heads out” and straighten up over the years. It has aided such notables as Mel Gibson (hating life and the Jews, then losing all sensibility and becoming an adulterer), David “the Hoff”

(after enjoying White Castle ala linoleum and becoming REBORN on a stupid show), Andy Dick (even though, I could swear I saw him on Sober House, after his stay) and some guy named Marc Jacobs (who designs clothing, I guess). Pauly Shore also stayed there – as did Stephen Baldwin (but I think THAT was lingering fallout from the film “Bio-Dome”. Either it was conceived by people while in treatment or those under the influence. OR while making the film, it became necessary to use drugs – A LOT of them)

Nevertheless. . . that would be

ME + BENDER = NO. . . and

ME + Contract on my Life = NO.

Unfortunately, contracts (of any kind) and my personage have yet to be mentioned in the same breath in HOLLYWOOD. (as far as you know) I have yet to amass the considerable “clout” required to be one of the biggest wastes of both TIME and/or MONEY, like the unflappable Mr. Cruise. While I sit #9 on the list of Comedians on “Blogged.com“, my TOTAL non-friend and (unknown to him) adversary Tom sits comfortably (quite comfortably) at #6 on the list of CELEBRITIES that have earned rather LARGE money for . . . NOT being entertaining. (here. . . look). . . But, I’m kind of jumping the gun. . . Go Figg’r. . . You were all probably just so anxious to hear where I’ve been and what I’ve been up to, that I’ve left you an utter mess. Barely able to cope under the stress and teetering near the edge . . . My bad. . . apologies around the horn. (except to Mr. Cruise. . . I think you know where we stand). So where have I been?. . . RIGHT HERE. . . What have I been “Up To”?. . . NOT MUCH. I’ve been hanging out with my family and working between really invasive medical procedures meant for men 10 to 15 years my senior, but (certainly) NOT for me. Bottom line? . . . My insides are riddled with ulcers and I am finding that JOY. . . I mean TRUE UNBRIDLED JOY in life CAN be found. It is merely a matter of diet, timing and a really decent Bowel Movement. In fact, my doctors inform me that the best treatment for my “condition” is to “Not think about it”. . . Unfortunately, ME – being one that tends to think about a large number of things (sometimes simultaneously) am having a little difficulty following their “specially-tailored regimen”. I’m still not quite certain, why the “Alien Probe” was necessary for them to surmise that my ailments are (in essence) all in my head. . . I just want to put it all “BEHIND” me. . .

All Seriousness Aside. . .

The “time off” did afford me the opportunity to reassess some priorities in my professional life. For starters, I needed to determine whether or not I HAD one. Quite a number of things have gone on in the 2 weeks since my last effort. I have observed them, noted them and forged ahead – biting my tongue and biding my time. I watched in the wings as “Professional” comedians took and made their collective “cracks” at current events. Some – “wise”(?). Some - “not so much”. I took another step back to get a better look at CELEBRITY and all that it entailed. I read through some of my past “bits”. (I’ve only been doing this since June) I studied the progression and evolution of my “writing”. A while back, I wrote something called, “I’ll Never Run Out of Things to Say. . . Only People to Listen”. I still subscribe to that philosophy. . . with a slight modification. I don’t want to lose sight of why I started this little “blog”. . . and that was – To Make a Difference. . . By commenting on people that “think” THEY do, but most assuredly DO NOT. Actually, I’m an artist and a writer and this “bit” was started as a means to promote my “work”. But during the process, I have seen some things going on in “Popular Culture” , that have compelled me to let you know they are WRONG. I have noticed some things going on around me in “Society”, that have prompted me to let you know that they are STUPID

. Not that you don’t have the ability to decide these things for yourselves, but apparently SOMEONE is “dropping the ball” in that department. As much as I claim to want to be a CELEBRITY, I feel the “need” to possibly redefine what that MEANS. (At least to me) Because, by NO MEANS do I want to join the ranks of what is out there “entertaining” us all today. (with a few exceptions) Could what I’ve been doing over the last 6 months, in an effort to promote my “work” be viewed as PROFESSIONAL JEALOUSY? . . . Sure. . . I suppose. . . if I were a Professional. As it stands, I’ve never been a professional anything. I’m not complaining, mind you. Just making an observation, so that I can share another. Though I’ve never been a “professional anything”, I’ve been quite a few “really good somethings”. . . Bear with me – we’re getting there.

I think that “satire” is a valuable tool in our world. The People, Places and things (nouns) that I satire on a semi-regular basis have taken it upon themselves to be a part of “MY WORLD” (really BIG noun). I cannot and WILL NOT be held responsible for the actions of others or why I end up finding them completely baffling as a “Sub-Species“. I WILL be held accountable for how I respond to them. I wouldn’t have it any other way. That’s why I am ME and THEY are them. So if it boils down to “qualifications” for being a CELEBRITY, what are they? Who decides when it’s over? Who decides when it’s too much? I would say, my friends. . . the answer is “US” . There are STARS out there that have undoubtedly had their fair (and unfair) share of Hard Knocks

. But, don’t be fooled. It is no more than any cross-section of “Our” world. I brought up “Passages” Treatment Center , at the top of this, because I “Don’t GET it”. Am I supposed to feel SORRY for the CELEBRITIES that have decided, for whatever reason, to piss it all away? Sure, I feel empathy for someone battling an addiction or depression or any other ailment. But when that “condition” is brought on by CELEBRITY and all of its “trappings” , it starts to make my ulcers bigger. Not because I worry about the STAR, but because I don’t understand why it is such a “Big Deal”. But it’s not just CELEBRITY “hardships” that leave me scratching my head.

I contend that there comes a point in some CELEBRITIES’ careers that they MAX OUT on their STAR POWER and become a liability to the greater good of Society. At that point, it seems, they are merely in the business of “Being a Celebrity”. They don’t even necessarily have a very impressive body of “work”. . . Also within this class of CELEB are those that HAVE put out a sizable and respectable amount of TOP-NOTCH “work”, but have decided, for whatever reason, that they NO LONGER CARE. I could point to several. . . but do I really HAVE to? Okay, here are a few (Incidentally, they are also Celebrity couples):

Brad Pitt and/or Angelina Jolie (what have you done for us lately?)

Ashton Kutcher and/or Demi Moore (what HAVEN’T you done for us lately – and then told us about immediately?)

Jennifer Lopez and/or Marc Anthony (who are you guys again?)

There are also CELEBS that are SO outside of the realm of STAR, SO OVERSATURATED in society’s consciousness – that there is nowhere else to go. This can be a little “scary” to watch. Because everyone is so fascinated with their every move they make, they start doing really outlandish things. The difference-maker being, they live on an alternate plane of existence than “WE” do. There is a whole different set of rules for them. But because, we have ADCD (Attention Deficit Celebrity Disorder), they are usually forgiven for their transgressions and immediately (in terms of time vs. eternity) embraced again and given the “green light” to continue to entertain us, as only THEY (apparently) can. (Like we couldn’t just find some poor actor or film school student to step in as a suitable replacement) I’m pretty sure we could, but we become attached to our FREAKS:

Robert Downey, Jr. (remember? passing out in someone else’s living room?)

Mel Gibson (remember? being a racist, sexist cheater?)

Britney Spears (remember? Oops she did it again, and again, and again?)

The Olsen Twins (remember? No, I mean the last time they ate?)

There are STARS that are also so BIG, that there is nothing more for them to humanly achieve. These folks end up looking for something OUTSIDE of themselves to “fill the void”. Something BIGGER than Celebrity. Sometimes a CAUSE. Sometimes a RELIGION. Either way, in my estimation, they are trying to chalk up a few “brownie points”, because it dawns on them that all of THIS. . . is temporary:

Madonna (Should just start a gym in Van Nuys and go away)

Richard Gere (Should just retire . . . and remember “When” – while meditating)

Will Smith (So you made friends with Tom? Did he mention the racism thing?)

Tom Cruise (You will forever be my whipping boy – you suck)

As if THIS Circus visiting our town wasn’t enough, we have also recently added a new classification of “sub-species”. They are the CELEBREALITY. We seem to have invited the “Carnival” to join the “Circus”. Sometimes combining the two, with unrelenting freakiness. These people rarely register on my Entertainment Meter (I keep it under my bed), but have so inundated our culture, clogged up the gears and become such an insult to our common senses, that they cannot be ignored (but not for a lack of trying):

Jon Gosselin (and sometimes Kate) – Go Away

Levi Johnston AND Sarah Palin
– Get Married

The Kardashians – WHY? Your dad was a lawyer, you DO nothing and Bruce Jenner is rivaled only by Joe Jackson, in “Old Man” plastic surgery procedures.

I would like to mention Two CELEBRITIES that have been in the news, as of late. Though I am not going to classify either one (I’ll leave that to you) I felt the need to point them out separately from the rest of the crew – cuz it’s PERSONAL.

Adam Lambert

- Reinventing yourself straight out of the chute? Really? You know what? I thought you were talented on American Idol. I thought that you were exciting and “fresh”, compared to the other competitors. But this ISN’T Idol anymore. Though your lifestyle isn’t my cup of chamomile, we GET IT. . . You’re GAY. . . NEXT?!. . . If you need to rely on gimmicks and something that wasn’t that shocking when we saw Madonna and friends do it a few years ago INSTEAD of a dynamic performance (it wasn’t) – then I think America picked right. At least Kris Allen, doesn’t hide behind makeup. Early on in this “bit”, I used his name to illustrate a point about CELEBRITY. . . Sometimes, I read my old stuff and feel like a “fortune teller”. . . I’m calling it NOW. . . Adam? You’re NO Carrie Underwood. (as much as you WANT to be or PRETEND to be – I think you understand me)

Tiger Woods

- Let ye without sin cast the first stone? Well, I LOVE “MY” wife. I’ve got a bucket of balls, a four-iron and an early TEE TIME. . . Stand still. . .WHY Tiger? I Officially and Disrespectfully withdraw my offer for you to appear in “Orbotz”. (See my bit: “I May Pitch like a Girl, But I Hit Like a Man”) You were actually more of an afterthought anyway – a lot like your marriage. . . apparently. I again “Don’t Get It”. Why are all these CELEBS deciding that it is perfectly fine to RUIN their families? What is the deal with CELEBRITY marriage? Better yet, what happened to being a GOOD PERSON? NO, we shouldn’t give him a “break”, because he’s ONLY human. There are LOTS of us out here that are faithful to our spouses, that don’t need your “Happy-ass” and dirty laundry paraded in front of us OR our KIDS every night. Explain that to my FAMILY. The only thing that could top this off, would be if you deployed more troops in Afghanistan and then LIED to us and told us they will be back by 2011. But you know what? . . . it will be business as usual for him when the dust settles. . . punk.

Tony Robbins once asked what my “True” PASSION was. (he was nice to me, until he found out I teased him mercilessly) My wife and my kids are my passion. . .Their Happiness? My drive. . . The means to achieve that? . . . You’ve been reading it. I had a creative writing teacher in 7th Grade, who inadvertently set the tone for how I viewed my “Talent” and others that share similar “skills”. I was quite fond of Stephen King as a lad. . . I was a kid, but when I started talking about an author and Writing Class, I got all “Charles Dickens” for a moment. Anyway, I had an assignment to provide the outline for the first few chapters of a “novel”. . . I remember it vividly. (I still have the drawings for the Graphic Novel I’d hoped to turn it into – if anyone’s interested) The book was called “Cutter’s Edge”. The main character’s name was Landon Cutter. It was a sweet-ass spy/horror novel. (A genre, I STILL think is underdeveloped). Somewhere in the first chapter our “hero” has to break out of the “Psych Ward” of a Disreputable and Communist-Run Mental Institution. He is given his morning breakfast in his “cell” by an evil orderly, because he had been “acting out” the night before and was in solitary confinement. (I had no idea what the inner workings of a mental institution were and WOULDN’T for several more years. . . long story) Long story short?. . . Cutter stabbed the orderly in the base of the skull with a butter knife and got away. He saved the day and got the “babe”, while battling Russian Zombies (and some fat guy with a hairlip) . . . Hey! I was in 7th grade! The point is, when I got my graded report a week later – I was devastated. I got a “B”. I thought my teacher LIKED me! Nevermind the outline was riddled with inconsistencies, historical inaccuracies and enough graphic and violent carnage that it made “Natural Born Killers” look like a Looney Tunes cartoon (which in actuality, it did). This was “sure-fire” GOLD! . . . But there, underneath the grade, my teacher had scrawled out the only critique of ANY of the work I’ve EVER done that would EVER stay with me through adulthood. . . She simply wrote:

“Why would they give a KNIFE to a Psych patient? Good effort.”

So I guess the question I’ve been left with now is, “Why would you give a COMPUTER to a Psych patient?” (ME, being said Psych patient) I haven’t been “whining” for the sake of whining. There are entire websites and Television shows devoted to that already. I satirize CELEBRITY and SOCIETY, because they amuse me. In turn, I like to share that amusement with you. (With mixed results) So what imaginary boundary delineates the “Haves” and the “Have Nots”? I’m not sure. . .I’m trying to figure that out, and in the process, pass that information on to you as well. When I started this “campaign”, I started by letting you know that my ultimate goal was CELEBRITY. . . I’m not so sure anymore. I’m a writer and an artist. THAT is what I want to be recognized for. What makes a CELEBRITY

endure? How is it possible to stand the test of time without tainting your legacy? I would say, for starters they need to borrow a page from the Spiderman playbook. (available in paperback on Amazon.com and at Barnes and Nobles and Borders – where, you don’t even need to purchase the book. You can buy a $5 cup of copy and read a $30 book, like you were at a Library – just don’t take it in the bathroom) What I see lacking in Hollywood today is a sense of class and respectability. A total disregard by these folks not only to try to be DECENT human beings, but to be RESPONSIBLE with what we have entrusted them with. SURE, they are human beings – just like the rest of us. But somewhere along the lines, they lost sight of their RESPONSIBILITY. “With Great Power, Comes Great Responsibility”. Maybe they don’t think they ASKED for that responsibility. However, the minute they invite themselves into our living rooms, they are going to be “saddled” with it. . . So Giddy Up!

I don’t want to be an ACTOR/ENTERTAINER. . .I want to be a WRITER/ARTIST. . . Some would say I am. That’s great, but I want to also make a living DOING IT. . . THAT is where YOU come in. I’ve shared with you (that have followed me from the beginning) my failures, shortcomings, weaknesses, etc. So I figure I’m ahead of the game. It’s not like I’m going to get your hopes up and then take a MONGO DUMP on what you thought you were getting in “ME”. There are SO many of those people out there already. In the interest of “full disclosure”, I have rendered you POWERLESS to stop my ascension, through the ranks, to take my rightful place at the top of the list of “Really Enjoyable (to have around) Entertainment Providers”, by taking away any ammunition. By all accounts, I have paved the way for becoming the next Governor of California (but I think I want to stick to the “funny”) . . .I never ASKED to be funny. . . I just AM. . . sometimes.

ALL of this being said, I think I’ve found my calling. It’s what I’ve wanted to do since I was about 2 years old. The only problem seems to be, that it boils down to a popularity contest. Just like LIFE. The jobs you get, are all about if they “Like” you in the interview. The spouse you choose, has to be able to “Stomach” you. The friends you make, need to be able to help you when you “Move”. . . Everything is about the “impression” you make. It doesn’t have to be the “First Impression”. I would say that it is the one you LEAVE BEHIND. There are tons of people I’ve met in my life and thought were “okay”, upon first meeting, only to become a Colossal Disappointment. Seriously. . . Wouldn’t it be easier sometimes, just to say, “I’m going to put YOU out of MY misery?” Nothing says CELEBRITY today like a good old-fashioned “train wreck”. Am I guilty of “rubbernecking” the way we all do to look at the “carnage”. . . You bet. They say that fame is fleeting and that is FINE by me. That’s exactly what I’m looking for. If fame lingers or hangs around for too long, you either become BORING or. . . a liability to yourself or others. You always have to be “ON” or “PROVE” yourself. Who would want that? I am uniquely ME. Just like you are uniquely YOU. THEY? . . . don’t seem to BE all that uniquely anything to me. How can you call Adulterers, Drug Addicts, Criminals and Whack-Jobs “unique”, when it becomes the “Norm”? But I’ll stick around in the crowd and bide my time. I’ll watch the carnage. I’ll do my thing. Because at the end of the day, I’ve GOT a job. . . in fact I’ve had several. I’m beginning to wonder what “THEY” would have to fall back on.

. . . I DO have a request of you (the reader) Keep WATCHING. . . Keep READING. . . Keep VOTING. . . “Try” GIVING (to the “Cause”) I want to offer you something that NO CELEBRITY, author or artist has ever done before. a GUARANTEE. I guarantee to give you a body of work that will receive “NO negative criticism”. . . In other words, I PROMISE to deliver something that EVERYONE LIKES. I don’t think that has been done since. . . EVER. So write your congressperson (see how much I WANT this? I NEVER say congress”person”) Let them know they need to legislate a “Dan Needs A Break” Law. If you choose to help me to achieve this goal, I am sure there will come a day, when I am forced to work with some of the very people I ridicule. . . When I DO make my first film and it comes to casting, I can only say that I will NOT relinquish control in the “Casting” department. In other words, I will not be writing a Vampire film. Stephanie Meyer and Anne Rice seemed to have been unable to keep “emo boys”or psychos out of their creations (“I” will have a contractual provision) – Don’t get me started on Lost Boys 2. . . (it still saddens me)

What makes me think I can come in to the industry and “call my shots”, make some money and then bow out gracefully? Because, like I said, I’ve GOT a job. I haven’t run out of things to say. But, I’m starting to become a little more selective on when and how I say it. . . . I’m gonna’ make my mark. . . without leaving a stain. . .

‘Til Then . . . Go Figg’r!

Peace Out – Later

Back in the “Dizzle fo’ Shizzle”

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on November 25, 2009 by danof89

From the pages of one of the most MEANINGFUL and WORTHWHILE Publications of ALL TIME, comes the definition of a phrase that transcends all pointless and redundant phrases to have come around since. . .” You SEE what I’m Saying?”

The Phrase: “Back in the Day” as defined by The Urban Dictionary.com -

Back in the Day:

Completely meaningless phrase which has gained inexplicable global popularity. It’s an incomplete thought: Back in what day? It’s a redundant way of saying “Once, I…” or “I used to…” and adds words without adding any extra meaning. Similar to the equally pointless “at the end of the day…” popularized by English soccer stars.

Back in the day, I used to be younger.

I was a child once, back in the day.

I would like to explore the phenomenon known as “Old SchoolReminiscing”. Though those words are never actually grouped with one another to describe any sort of “event”. In fact, it is a thinly-veiled attempt to identify a more widely-recognized occurrence that takes place at this time in a lot of men’s lives, when faced with the prospect of “getting older”. This is NOT to be confused with a “Mid-Life Crisis” . It would better be interpreted as the point in a man’s life, when he realizes he is indeed “Going to Die”. Not only does the man realize his very “mortality”, but he “takes stock” of his achievements (or lack thereof) in life, and formulates a plan for the remainder of his time spent on earth. The thing that distinguishes this from a “Mid-Life Crisis” is that the average life expectancy in the U.S. is 78 years of age. I turned 39 years of age last Thursday. I AMright at that mid-age point, however, plans are underway for me to move my family to ANDORRA in the next few months (where the life expectancy is 83 years). I will thus ensure NOT having to go through this process, for at least another 2 years. (I think I did the math right) Either way it doesn’t matter, because by then, I am surethat they will have invented something in the “Scientific Community”that will extend that life-expectancy well into the 100’s and that they will also come up with something that will reverse the damage done to my body by my “Party Years” (1989-2001) and also come up with something that will PURGE my lungs from any trace of my years as a smoker (1985-5 minutes ago). That being said, I was really only left with the musings of someone that is growing slightly older and who is probably dealing with Early-stage Alzheimer’s. (which will also be taken care of by my buddies in the Medical Community WELL BEFORE I need to “start getting worried“)

So with that “Load Off” I was just left wondering about how I will spend “The Autumn of my Years” ? Now I realize that this may seem a tad “fatalistic”. I actually found the process to be quite liberating. In fact, as a father of four, I discovered that it gave me a different perspective on the world that “I” grew up in and the one that mykids find themselves trying to “survive” . I’ll be honest. . . the kids of today? Don’t stand a chance. (mine do,because they have ME and my WIFE for parents – I’m talking about yours) Unless they get into Medicine . . . They need to keep us alive. . . and working. Pretty soon the age for collecting Social Security will surpass that Average Life Expectancy thing. Unless you join us in Andorra . Do yourself a favor though. . . Learn a little Spanish or Portugese. . .

Keep in mind, I am still a PUBLIC SCHOOL BUS DRIVER . . . in addition to the many other “hats” I find myself donning (typically a fedora or baseball cap – I tried a derby , but couldn’t pull that look off) This rather “ordinary”, yet unusual (for a guy, fully capable of Manual Labor), occupation offers me a view of the “Next Generation” of America . Those children that will soon become the“Leaders of Tomorrow”. A prospect I find not only “scary”, but downright “trouser-soiling”. They are FAR from ready to “turn the corner” on a brighter future. I am afraid that (by the looks of it) they don’t even know where “the corner” is. Let alone know how to turn it. Unless it involves “Street Racing” . Then there are quite a few that could “take the corner”, but would more than likely lose control and get in a horrible accident. . . I’m telling you folks. . . things seem a little BLEAK. The one thing that I have discovered in the two years since I’ve decided to climb behind the wheel of a “40 Foot Twinkie”is that ,“TIMES? . . . They Are A-Changin’ “. After my birthday, this last week, I found myself listening to the kids on my bus a little more. I usually listen to them anyway, but I put forth a concerted effort to really “Hear” them. . . Shortly thereafter, I’d kind of wished instead of my mind, I’d have started losing my hearing. These “kids”TALK as if they are ADULTS. Albeit really IMMATURE adults, who seem to be suffering from sex addiction,drug addiction and, in A LOT of cases, Turrets Syndrome . . . What they TALK about, what they THINK about and HOW THEY THINK would make you cringe .

So. . . at the end of the week, I decided to look back at the way things were when I was approximately “Their” age. Keep in mind that I am not waxing nostalgic, (I don’t even wash my car) I’m merely differentiating between the “Stupid of Yesterday” and the “Idiots of Tomorrow” .

Turning 39 was a birthday,that to me, held about the same significance as turning 15 (the year before I could get my driver’s license) and 20 (the year before I could buy a drink) . Though, Idrove before I got my license and drank before I could do so legally. . . Come to think of it, I drank while driving before doing so became“Against the Law”. Actually,driving while intoxicated, as far as I know, has ALWAYS been somewhat of a “No No”. But,I would have to say that in my “late adolescence” that Law Enforcement was a little more lax on “the Law” and “the Enforcement”,when it came to making arrests.I am by NO MEANS making light of an “activity” that took the lives of more than 17,000 people in 2008 and is the leading cause ofcriminal death in the United States. There are an abundance of statistics and STORIES backing up WHY drinking and driving is not only STUPID, but life-changing,ending and altering for anyone left in its aftermath. I myself have been affected by the deaths of 4 people during my 39 years on this planet, because SOMEONE decided it was a viable option to get behind the wheel of a car when they wereinebriated. . .

THAT being said, I am referring to a time,in this country’s history, when things were drastically different. I would even go further back in time, and point to one of my favorite movies of all time: “It’s a Wonderful Life” to tell you what I mean. Remember when“George Bailey” got “tanked”, when he thought he lost the Savings and Loan? Then he went driving and ran into that tree? The guy who owned the tree seemed content just giving poor George a knuckle sandwich and sending him on his merry and drunk-ass way. When he happened upon Ernie and Bert (Happy 40th B-day Sesame Street)they were more concerned with poor George’s safety and how he was going to get home. Nowadays, I’m thinking I’ve seen that same scenario played out on countless episodes of “COPS” with dramatically different (though equally entertaining) results. I UNDERSTAND that it was a MOVIE. But, I know (at least in the Midwest during in the 80’s) that the way it went in that scene, was more typical of the way it played out in Real Life

. . . Time’s They are a Changin’.

I remember in the late 80’s , it wasn’t uncommon for “kids” well under the drinking age (unless you drove to Wisconsin) to get a case of beer,pile into a ‘79 Chevette and go “Road Trippin’ “. In college(the late ’80’s/early 90’s) the number of “kids” increased, the Chevette was traded in for a “Conversion Van” , and the case of beer was replaced by a “pony keg”. (This would typically occur at smallish Christian Liberal Arts Colleges, which will remain nameless – or so I’ve been told) Away we, um . . .“they” would go. A pack of highly-intoxicated and “wound-up” teenagers. Traveling the highways and byways,the interstates, city streets and rural roads. Just a drunken Keg of Dynamite , waiting to “Blow UP”. On the RAREoccasions that the “authorities” would actually stop “them”, the conversation would (hypothetically) go like this:

Cop: ”You kids been drinkin’?”

Driver (laughing and quieting his DRUNK friends): ”No”

Cop: ”Can we look in your trunk/back of your van?”

Driver: ”Why?”

Cop: ”Get out and stand against the vehicle, I’m calling your coach/parents”

30 minutes later. . . You were returned to your dorm/parents’ custody trying to line up a “legal” alcohol-buyer (the cop’s cousin)for the following weekend. The police would often “confiscate” the alcohol. “They” would always joke that officers probably took it home,or back to the station, and drank it. When they took a pony keg, I’m sure that Sunday Football was “Game ON” at the deputy’s garage the following day (the cousin bringing the ‘tapper’) . . . This was actually pretty sad (for the cops). As students, “we” (okay, I can’t keep up the charade) could barely afford anything better than “Milwaukee’s Best” (aka Milwaukee’s BEAST) or “Natural Light”(Nasty Light) OR on Special Occasions Pabst Blue Ribbon (just PBR, it was like chardonnay) There was also a brew so VILE (it was $3.00 a case) ,called BLATZ, that was so beyond the description of repugnant, that its existence is legendary. I believe it actually derived its name from the “sound” it made in a toilet, once the full case made its way back up the “unfortunate consumer’s” digestive tract. If you were “lucky”(?) enough to “keep it down” a full 24 hours, the beer received a new name. . . “SHATZ” . I would joke, quite often (when I hadn’t been the one whose inner workings hadn’t been savagely BRUTALIZED by the malt beverage) that it would be a lot easier pouring the stuff directly down the toilet. . . Cut out the“Middle Man”. . . BUT, “they” would argue,would’ve lost out on the EFFECT. What was the effect again? Real Nasty Hangovers and a reason to write about how STUPID I was as a kid? . . Lucky that I and my Motley “Brew Crew” had never gotten someone killed, injured or otherwise ruined our lives irreparably?

Some of you may be confused, from time to time, when it seems as though I give contrasting points of view on a topic. . .You may feel that in my effort to speak of the dangers of alcohol and impaired drivers on the roadways, that I may have fallen short in my message and may have instead romanticized an “activity” that could be fatal. Thinking of the “good old days” (not all THAT great in hindsight) and losing sight of how it could have very easily gone a different route. InMY CASE . . .it did. . .I wasted a lot of years continuing to party LONGafter LAST CALL. But . . . this isn’t about THAT. This is about howTIMES ARE A-CHANGIN’.

QUESTION: Do you think that kids are doing the same things I used to do in my YOUNGER DAYS? You bet your ASS they are! In LARGERnumbers. The numbers of fatalities each year as a result bare that out. But that isn’t the ONLY thing that I hear on my BUS, that concerns me. Maybe I AM getting OLD, but the “children” of today seem to have been “Thrust” head-first into an ADULT WORLD. Kids 14,15 and 16 years of age are talking about their sexual exploits. They are smoking and drinking as much as they EVER did. Maybe they AREN’T smoking Cigarettes like they did when I was a teenager. (I’d like to know which kids they get to take part in these POLLS) But they are smoking a HECKUVA’ lot more POT . The first time I caught a kid lighting up a “sneak-a-toke” on my bus, I about LOST IT. I am, as a rule, pretty “laid back” in my demeanor. But the fact this little “puke”thought he would BLAZE ONE UP on my bus, threw me. Not so much because he was smoking weed, but that he couldn’t wait the10 minutes to get home, until he “hit it”.

As much as you might believe I was thinking about the “Good Old Days”, I was thinking more of a “simpler” time. The kids of today are confronted with temptation and “adult” choices at every turn. That’s part of the reason I don’t think they are too concerned about making that “last corner” towards actually “Growing Up”. What do we offer them to look forward to? Who do they really have as “Role Models”? . . . CELEBRITIES? How does THAT one work? We,as a society, are targeting kids with advertising that is VERY adult in nature. The TV shows, movies, music. . .(Wow, did it suddenly just become very OLDin here?)

All Seriousness Aside. . .

Who’d you come up with out there?. . . MILEY CYRUS ? . . . No, I’m thinking when “Daddy” allowed her to date “Mr. Achy Breaky Statutory Rapey”, all bets were off. Then WHO?. . . Britney Spears? nope. . . Lindsay Lohan ?. . .nu,uh. . .To be honest, I can’t think of a legitimate “younger person” that could or should be put on a kids“pedestal”, as “What to Be Like” in a person . I don’t talk A LOT about current events, but I couldn’t help but talk about something I’ve noticed of late on tabloid television. Yes, I watch it. How would I come up with my material? . . Actually, MOST of that can be taken care of by watching the “regular” Evening News. But, this Levi Johnston and Jon Gosselin as guest correspondents on “The Insider”, really gets me “bunched up”. WHY would society pin ”CELEBRITY” on a couple guys that have contributed NOTHING to SOCIETY? They are a guy who knocked up a teenager and an Adulterer ! BIG DEAL!?What kind of message are we sending the youth in our country? Be a frickin’ LOSER and ruin your family in front of MILLIONS and you can be FAMOUS?. . . Then they can’t stop talking about Johnston’s flabby ass posing for Playgirl – for going on 3 consecutive WEEKS? . . .(My apologies to Sean Astin for my recent comparison’s between you and Levi. YOU, gave us “Rudy” ). . .

On a final note, I wanted to mention that I REMEMBER sitting down at a church in my youth listening to a spiel about the “Evils of Rock n’ Roll” . I understand that this debate has been going on since the invention of Rock and Roll, but because I have recently become “Older than Dirt”, I realized that those that came before me, might have been “On to Something”. NO, I am not going to become Tipper Gore (No matter how much you want me to – Sorry, AL) I LOVE ROCKand still listen to it on a daily basis. . . But, when the kids in mybus ask me to turn the radio station to something a little more“today” than what I am accustomed to listening to. . . let’s just say, I don’t remember the Rock of my youth having ditties like these. If they DID. . . I think my parents must have been doing something the rest of us apparently AREN’T. . . A GOOD JOB. Here’s a few (keep in mind, they are CATCHY as HELL, but little kids are SINGING them):

Disco Stick

- Thank You to Ms. Ga Ga for following me on Twitter (still baffles me, why?) But I would think that even she would agree that 14 year old girls singing along to this tune, invokes images of a young lady singing about luring pre-pubescent boys to her “yard” and charging them for a crack at her “Milkshake”. Wouldn’t it be more appropriate to sing about a pogo stick - devoid of any innuendo? Though,this song skipsthe innuendo and goes straight to RAUNCHY.

Hotel Motel

- On one of my family’s trips to Venice Beach (see one of my original “bits” in this epic WEBLOG) I spoke of a hotel catering to this type of clientele. The “train” left the station several times in the room next to ours one night. Seems a few guys (and a “woman“?) were on leave from the “War on Terror” in the Middle East and decided to keep me,my wife and children in horrified “TOTAL TERRORIZED AWAKENESS”. Let’s support our troops. But not at Deano’s Motel (on Sepulveda Boulevard in Culver City, California off of the 405). NOT a“family friendly” excursion. . .OR SONG.

Blame it (On the Alcohol)

- Jamie Foxx was a funny member of the show “In Living Color”. When I heard this song for the first time, I thought, “Cool, yet ANOTHER song utilizing ‘Auto Tone’ technology. (something used by Cher ONCE – and that should have been the end of it – it should have been destroyed IMMEDIATELY thereafter) I thought, “There is someone VERY untalented on the other end of the mic, singin’ about how BOOZE makes him the sleazeball he is”. You can imagine my surprise when I found out that the Oscar-winner for Ray (2004), was the “sleazeball” who was gettin’ the kids on my bus bumpin’. (though not while IN my bus – just to clarify)

Everywhere I Go

- (I couldn’t show the video, because my “bit” is Rated PG) On the one hand, it is really good to DANCE to. It is VERY catchy. I liken it to the “Beastie Boys” and “No Sleep ’til Brooklyn” and “Brass Monkey”, save one “fatal flaw”. The lyrics seem to be about a guy who “can’t keep it in his pants” and would like very much to get underage girls a little tipsy, so he could get to a little “Date Rape” action. In other words this song is EVIL! I am sure that this song is very popular at high school beer-drinking parties across this great Nation of ours. The kids completely eating up the lyrics and more than likely living them out every other weekend. If not on a daily basis. . . “The Hollywood Undead” have another hit. . . while our kids have another “miss”. As in “missing the point”.

“WE” used to have Party Anthems too. . . IN COLLEGE. . .

All I know, is that Back in the Day. . . Girls weren’t getting “knocked up” in Jr. High, let alone TRYING TO. . . Kids weren’t KILLING one another with such frequency. . . DRUGS weren’t making the rounds in the playgrounds like they are today. . . TIMES? . . .They are a-Changin’. . . “Back in the Dizzle?. . . fo’ Shizzle” (and yes, I understand that is improper usage and a phrase rarely uttered with any frequency anymore – that’s kind of the point- I’m OLD-SOMEBODY has to keep an eye on this crew)

‘Til Then. . . Go Figg’r!

Peace Out – Later

D A N

(For the record, the kids on my BUS, aren’t allowed to speak freely of their exploits or RUN THE SHOW. I am a SUBSTITUTE PUBLIC SCHOOL BUS DRIVER - and as such, it takes me all of 30 seconds to make these appraisals, before shutting them DOWN)

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Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on November 17, 2009 by danof89

Guns are for idiots. . . No, that isn’t what I wanted to say. People that own guns are idiots. . . hmm. . . that’s not quite right either. People that use guns are idiots. . . Nope. That doesn’t really convey with enough vehemence the point that I am attempting to illustrate; in order that you can better understand my stance on the “Death-Delivering Doodads” that have rendered the world we live in “Intellectually-Neutered”. By GUNS, I do not only mean handguns, shotguns, rifles, pistols and revolvers. I am actually referring to armaments, artillery, munitions and generally, WEAPONRY of any kind. This last week, while I watched the latest coverage on the Ft. Hood Tragedy and read up on the latest to come out of the Orlando Shooting Spree , I couldn’t help but wonder, “What the Hell is Wrong With People?” Then I sat down and contemplated a little bit more of our “plight”. The News Channels also kept us all “up to date” on the latest happenings involving the upcoming trial of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed . Then my thoughts inevitably returned to the events surrounding September 11th, 2001 . In turn, I began to think of man’s use of weapons, guns and various forms of “Murderous Mayhem”. They have a long and sordid history. . . But let’s start with me. . .

Don’t get me wrong. I was raised with “Country and Mountain Folk” . The Midwest is filled to the rafters with people who hunt, shoot and destroy. . . In my younger days I LOVED it. I enjoy blowing things up . I DON’T, however, enjoy killing. After blowing the head off of about the 17th rabbit, while hunting through the hills in Southeast Iowa, at age 12 or so, I kind of lost my “taste” for the KILL . First of all, if you hunt a bunny with a 12 gauge, there typically isn’t a whole lot of “meat” left. (But if deep-fried – it is salvageable) Secondly, the cousins or “Country Bumpkins” that accompany you on your DEATH HUNT generally expect you to “skin” and “gut” the thing. (Also, the reason I hate fishing – PLUS, I hate seafood – it stinks) Lastly, when you get to the final “eating” portion of the whole thing there is about 2 ounces of meat, and most of it is filled with little metal bits (buckshot). I was never really good at getting those things out. I think it takes a special “touch”. I’m certain I will neither acquire that touch or ever partake in an activity that requires having it. Unless for some reason I am put in charge of administering a “field dressing” during a war, while assisting the wounded. I guess, like the rest of the Midwest, I could keep a big stockpile of munitions in every room in my house and just. . . WAIT. . . Something tells me I won’t.

Now before the Animal Rights folks jump my ass (there second favorite activity – the first being to irritate me), I’d like to say. . . DON’T. I don’t want to get into it with you . . . again. . . As a matter of fact, I am going to start my own organization: P*A*D* – Pets Against Domestication, and be done with it. . . You people annoy me. . . NEXT. . .

This isn’t about your Grandpa’s old 12 gauge, that’s been handed down from generation to generation and if stored legally, properly and safely is dismantled and in 13 different locations in your home. (The ammunition being held in a safe-deposit box at some bank that has changed names 15 times since you were last inside). It might be more about your Grandma’s little snub-nose revolver, that she used to keep under her pillow at night when your Grandpa was out of town on “business”. A revolver that has since changed hands and owners 18 different times, since it was in “Nana’s” posession and has been used in approximately 127 felonies, 12 misdemeanors and ONCE, as a toddler’s teething toy (this is just random footage I found-unrelated, I’m sure) . . . But, we could never know that FOR SURE (About Nana’s gun, NOT the “Cruise” clip). Chances are the revolver no longer has any identifiable markings on it and the serial number was removed by the guy who “knocked off” the convenience store in El Paso during the Reagan Administration . (‘81 to ‘89), unless you’re from California then it is known as BD and BS – Before Davis and Before Schwarz. . . actually I think BS just means B.S.

I understand that I am throwing a lot of statistics and numbers at you. I am sorry if this is all too confusing. But if you recall, in my last bit, I said pay “no mind” to fictional numbers. Believe me. . . THEY ARE. . . this isn’t a Term Paper. (and I know that Mr. Cruise didn’t “knock off” a convenience store – but he does look homicidal in the clip. . . right?)

The truth is. . . we can’t blame ALL of our World’s Problems on Guns and Weapons. . . But they sure as hell don’t seem to HELP SOLVE any of them. I understand that there were (and are) many brave men and women, that have died for our liberties here in the USA and abroad, over the hundreds of years since this Great Nation’s inception. I am indeed grateful . . . But we’re talking about NOW. I think it has been proven that it doesn’t have to be GUNS in the hands of someone EVIL, that can be used for mayhem and chaos. PLANES in the hands of the wrong people can be CRIPPLING. . . But fortunately for the US, we have the will and fortitude of a Sturdy and Resilient bunch. Would I like Bin Laden dead ? Sure I would. . . But I want it to be s-l-o-w. There ARE people out there that do NOT deserve to walk the planet, like the rest of us. HE would be such a MONSTER . I would much rather pound his head in with a rock (a dull,flat one) than just SHOOT him and end it much too quickly. But we are talking about retribution now and something that I don’t think we should be in the business of. . . I’m NOT a peace loving Hippie. . . though there’s nothing wrong with those – in my book (which is what you’re reading, so DEAL with it) I just think that if Cain had the opportunity to blow Abel’s head off with a 9mm instead of bashing him in the head with a rock, he probably would have opted for the “piece”. (The Bible doesn’t actually say HOW he did it, but I think you know it wasn’t the glock) So why is it the basest (and basis) of Men to DESTROY one another? I don’t understand War, Weapons . . . or GUNS. But we have them ALL. . . They EXIST. . . We can’t UN-INVENT them. So what’s the answer? GUN “CONTROL”? That is the biggest oxymoron ever.

I really don’t have any proposals. I just thought I’d open the floor to more “pointless debate and hyperbole”. There’s nothing that gets me going more than to hear some politicians in a “meaningless” debate with yet another member of the NRA . An organization that makes me feel about as “warm and fuzzy” as the 17 rabbits I “murdered” in my youth. (for the record, I was pardoned by Governor Terry Branstad in 1983) Can we just work it out in a sporting event? . . . Nope. . . seems athletes get picked up on weapons charges about as often as Celebrities nowadays. Why can’t we just “duke it out”? A little fisticuffs, when it becomes clear that two opposing views will never be seeing “eye to eye” and will more than likely resort to “eye FOR and eye” . That probably won’t work either. We’d also need a WEAPON.

So what constitutes a WEAPON? Something that can “bludgeon”? Even though I tend to like the word bludgeon. It sounds rather benign and almost passive. Like “Pigeon” . Could a pigeon be a “Lethal Weapon” ? I would argue, that in the wrong hands. . . it could. I think just about any inanimate object in the world could be used to “Bring on the Pain”. (Not in a good way – apparently there IS one) They say that, “Guns Don’t Kill People. People Kill People”. Fair enough, but people with guns are probably more likely to jack somebody’s car and murder someone than a guy with a pigeon. I find it difficult (though not impossible) to visualize a Breaking News Report on some guy walking into an office building with a birdcage in tow, dressed in his “Army Surplus Sunday Best” . (let’s pretend)

Fake Fox News Report (as opposed to the truthful ones, that I am so accustomed to them producing)

Anchor: “We have this report Live from Notanoogie Plaza. . . What have you learned about the attack Stew?”

Reporter: “Yeah. . . how’s my hair? . . . are we Live?. . . okay, uh, well Chip it seems he was laid off 6 months ago from the mailroom for unstable Postage-Metering Practices. Without any warning to anyone (the neighbors always called him a “quiet man”) he decided to “Uncoop the Poop” and unleashed a barrage of Pigeon crap on his former coworkers and some lady delivering sandwiches for lunch. The likes of which has never been seen in recorded “Bird Droppings” History. . . Back to you Chip. . .

Okay, I said it wasn’t “impossible” to visualize. (that’s why I get the BIG BUCKS)

All Seriousness Aside. . .

We are SO Lazy as a Society that we have decided (I’m thinking sometime in the 70’s), that we would just as soon SHOOT SOMEONE IN THE FACE, than try to work something out with someone. The CRIMINALS have ALWAYS been Criminals , but now they are more HEAVILY-ARMED Criminals . So how do we answer that challenge? More GUNS? People trying to get concealed weapons permits? WHY? So when you get all “effed-up” at the “Cheatin’ Heart Saloon” and some guy tries to get you to take a cab home instead of driving your “Pick-em-up” Truck, you can blame the guy for hittin’ on your toothless girlfriend and proceed to “Permanently” part the guys hair down the middle with your 6-shooter ? NO THANKS. . . AGAIN. . . that means that NO “Thank You” would be issued in that hypothetical scenario. . . “They” are always arguing on whether or not to shorten the time needed to wait to purchase a gun. . . WHY? Who the hell needs a gun. . . RIGHT NOW!? If they need one that bad, they probably need time to think about what they are going to do with it. . . or “Sober Up”. To me, that just sounds like the “Gunslingers of the OLD WEST” filing down the sites on the pistols to get a “quicker drop” on the other guy. (Of course, I’ve seen a LOT of violent movies. . . and some Westerns ) If you are THAT intent on shooting someone, come over to “My” house, so I can bash you in the head with a rock.

Really quickly, I want to touch on the recent events in the US. Just a day apart in their occurrence, but a MILE apart in the way they were reported. The tragedies in Ft. Hood and Orlando, Florida. Though the one in Ft. Hood, has had far more press coverage and obviously more injuries and casualties, they are (in my view) equally heart-breaking. The fact is the Orlando incident had the potential to be far worse, but luckily was not. But in the case of the Ft. Hood shootings, the gunmen was . . . MUSLIM. There has been an outcry in our nation, about our community’s Muslim population. Probably more accurate, is the call for keeping a more “mindful eye” on those of that particular faith. 9/11 notwithstanding, the US has been keeping and “eye” on them for several years. I don’t blame Muslims. I blame well-organized, delusional, homicidal Muslims who happened to take it upon themselves to take the lives of innocent people. You don’t see Lutherans strapping bombs to themselves and “taking out” a Disco. Or the Amish, driving a suicide “Buggy-Bomb” into a crowded shopping mall. The Amish don’t drive cars. Those that “ride” in cars, pay the people to drive them. I don’t see them talking any of the old “Country or Mountain Folk” , I grew up around, driving them into “Oblivion”. . . Maybe to a Craft Store for some “non-brass” buttons or something, but not the whole “bombing” thing. Some of the biggest and bloodiest battles of all time have been related to Religion, in some way or another, but that doesn’t make it RIGHT. . .

People are going to continue killing one another until the end of time. Nothing I, or anybody, can say is going to change that. There will always be BAD GUYS. There will always be GOOD GUYS. I’m not so sure the line between the two doesn’t seem a little confusing sometimes. But there, as always, seems to be an innate NEED between to disagreeing parties to be RIGHT. Apparently NO ONE can agree that there are “shades of gray”. . . I SAY It’s NOT always “Cut and Dry” or “Black and White”. Yet, there never seems to be anything closely resembling Compromise or a reasonable facsimile thereof. There is no such thing as GUN “CONTROL” , because there will always be idiots out there with access to them. There will always be EVIL people out there providing them with the means and misguided motives and opportunities with which to use them.

Before people point fingers and blame RELIGION for the motives of CRAZY people, they need to keep an eye on their “quiet neighbor”. They need to check inside themselves. . . What motivates YOU? Is it always “Cut and Dry”? Is it always “Black and White”? . . . Do you have an extensive “Rock Collection”? If so, can I use it the next time I feel the need to have a serious “heart to heart” with someone that pisses me off so badly, I want to shoot them in the face? . . . I didn’t say that I’ve never WANTED to shoot anyone. I would just prefer “bludgeoning”. It seems like it would be a lot more satisfying. . .

But from someone that grew up around guns and those that still enjoy their “fair share” of Weaponry? I think I prefer to leave guns in the hands of those that NEED them. . . Actors . . . but that’s a whole DIFFERENT “bit”. . . But I WOULD like to give a “Shout Out” (did I do that right?) and point to one of the best (and funniest) scenes in fairly recent “Cinematic History” (circa 1995) The scene is the FINAL FIGHT SCENE in the movie FRIDAY. Just because the actors in the film are African American, does NOT mean that this isn’t a problem in ALL OF OUR WORLD’S. They didn’t sell out. . . They made a statement. . .With my apologies to David Bowie, Ice Cube and DJ Pooh. . . (the language is a little “colorful”-sorry, mom!)

(This is Gun Control to Uncle Tom)

I’ll just leave it to my “cousins” back in the Midwest to go fishin’ and huntin’. . . the “Old Fashioned” way. . . I’ve got a Sam’s Club Membership . . . I’ve got my rocks . . . and a Pigeon.

‘Til Then. . . Go Figg’r!

Peace Out – Later

D A N

P.S. The visual embodiment of “Hillbillies with Weapons” were supplied by (in this instance) Levi Johnston and Sarah Palin. You are free to plug in any other “GunToting Mentally-Deficient Monkeys” you choose. “I” chose these chuckleheads. As far as my references to Mr. Cruise? . . I know he only believes in “Laser Guns” – so go save the Planet, Tommy! . . .By the way NONE of these folks should either be handling weapons OR children. . .thanks – danof89

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How Adam Lambert,Perez Hilton and Tony Robbins Renewed My Faith In Humanity (or 7 dudes, a cable guy and a pizza place)

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on June 12, 2009 by danof89

It’s an odd story, but amazingly it’s quite true my friends. How did two queens and a giant with, still remarkably white teeth (even after his ‘big-tobacco’ investigation and subsequent ‘MOTIVATIONAL REGIMEN TOUR’) , inspire a cynic (me) that all would be right again in this world? It all started three days ago when I was taking my beleagured and malnourished chihuahua out to “shake some dew of the lilies”. Again, for the record, let me explain that Maya(my daughters named her) has every opportunity to consume meals which are painstakingly set before her at least 3 times a day. We must make sure that the quantity of the food is such that she will not immediately begin projectile vomiting. That the texture of the food is “just so”, in an effort to make sure it (said food’s) departure doesn’t end up with her straining like an olympic weightlifter doing a “clean and jerk”. It is a very delicate matter and I’m sure you all feel better knowing that our dog (not geriatric and fully cleared by 3 licensed vets) just has a “nervous” stomach, and is having that stomach tended to. Yet it’s still another moment, when I look back at our behavior. So smug as we held our “jewel” of a find high overhead as we flaunted it to other potential pet-adopters and carried it out on our shoulders (my shoulder) saying “Wow, we got a helluva’ dog here!” Fast forward about a thousand bucks and several sleepless nights to. . . “I think it’s you’re turn to walk it. . .” or “Have you seen the doggie suppository?” Helps you bring it all back into focus. It’s not the dog’s fault. I can’t even pick out matching socks. My wife wholly supported my decision when I insisted on Maya. (they laugh at me now. . .out loud)

So there I was walking my beloved friend in crisis, thinking about how the day would unfold. I had to go to the grocery store. Yipee! Get gas in the car. Hooray! And figure out bills for the month. Boo! Hiss! I walked proudly, stride for stride, with my suboordinate and faithful buddy. We walked along the sidewalk of a busy thouroughfare near where I live. Maya pausing , occasionally, timidly inspecting the terrain to see if it was indeed worthy of a beating. She would look at me as if to ask “Eh?” After about 20 instances of this I generally tell her, “For the Love of Peter, Paul and Mary! Just do it!” Wherein, she commences with the poo and we get to turn around and walk the now 15 miles back to my townhouse.

When I say “townhouse”, I say it in the loosest definition possible. It is a house-like structure located within the city limits. When normal people say “townhouse” it conjures up thoughts of 2 couples on a ski trip to Tahoe, sitting by the fireplace sipping wine – listening to Cole Porter, and chuckling that “Chip” has to wear the soft cast until the day they are scheduled to return back to work (at their co-owned software engineering firm) – in 3 weeks. But maybe that’s just me. Lets just say for all intents and purposes it is a “townhouse”. By the time I finished this latest thought in my head, we had arrived back home.(better?)

I kissed the dog and hugged the family goodbye and off I sped in my 1994 Ford Escort LS. (priceless.) As I chugged up the steep grade toward the main drag, I thought of what it was I needed to do again on this day of unparalleled responsibility and challenge. That is when I heard the most peculiar noise eminating from under the hood, and through the bowels, of the engineering marvel I found myself driving. I think somewhere on my list of “To-Do’s” for the day might have been putting the designated 5 dollars of gas in the gas tank. I soon realized that should have probably been number one on my “To-Do’s” list for yesterday.

All seriousness aside,

Allow me if you will, or even if you won’t, to explain the designated 5 dollars of gas. My beautifully-crafted and finely-engineered automobile is still a 1994 Ford Escort LS. It is a piece of crap. I, being the shrood businessman I am, feel that committing more than $5 at a time, towards the future of this car, is a little bit more of a gamble than I am willing to make. So though, I had played the odds, in this instance, it seemed that I had just “crapped-out”.

As I began pushing the lifeless automobile up this steep grade, I couldn’t help but think how “Chip” probably never had such dilemmas. In fact he probably had people working for him whose sole responsibility was to make sure that his “fleet” of cars was always fully serviced, clean and fueled. Was that “Chip” , just then, driving by in the Masarati? No matter, I began to feel the sweat pour down my,(not that bad for never working out) body. My muscles ached and my legs shook behind the awesome weight of this very compact car. I didn’t think I could make it another step under these grueling conditions. (It was hot for this time of morning, did I mention that?) When all of a sudden something strange and wonderful happened. At first, I might not have thought so – as 2 kids(20 years old or so) jumped out of a van across the street and came rushing towards me. I was unsure if this was going to be one of those “bum-rushed” type of incidents. Like when kids shoot people on bikes with paintball guns when driving by. (Which I DO NOT ENDORSE) or were they simply going to knock me out,take my shoes and take my car on a “joy-coast”. But I’ll be darned if they didn’t get behind the vehicle and begin to push. Then, without provocation, a small truck pulled up behind. 3 more kids piled out and joined the cause. Then one more car and more kids. By the time we reached the “Circle K” at the top of the hill, Seven kids in all had delivered me to refuge. But not until after having to push the car back twenty feet and then forward again another thirty. (I pulled up to the wrong side of the pump.)

Breathless and spent, after letting these fully capable and much more athletic young men, save me from my predicament I managed to stammer,”Th-thanks, g-guys!” I’m not much of a talker I guess. At least not when I feel every Pall Mall I smoked for a month in my throat and chest and I feel like convulsing like Maya after some bad “Kibble”. But I did tell them I’d mention them in this “SOON TO BE WORLD REKNOWNED GIFT OF INSIGHT TO MANKIND!”

So that was cool. You may wonder how my good old friends Adam Lambert, Perez Hilton and Tony Robbins work into the fray. Believe me they do. This was just the beginning of the couple days that I’ve been “Off the Job”. Giving you all what you clammer for and what the government doesn’t want you to know about. I’ll be back to finish this off my friends. . . Right after this. . . GO FIGG’R!

Peace Out – Later

D A N

Venice Beach “Schitzo or Bluetooth?” (Adam Lambert gets a reprieve)

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on June 16, 2009 by danof89

Call this entry a “preemptive strike” if you will. I would just as soon get the “Shock and Awe” out of the way prior to my return to this last vestige of overpriced hotel rooms and a population that makes Perez Hilton’s black book look like, well . . .The Foreward?

I am returning with my family and it looks like it may be a little warmer this week. That means the “Large Jungle-Thonged Aborigini” will be going through his paces at Muscle Beach! Hoowah! I don’t know if any of you have had the honor of meeting this man. What a thrill it is every time we return to walk around the corner by “Jody Mahoney’s Hot Dog and Sausage Wonder Emporium for Tourists Needing To Spend Way Too Much For Clogged Arteries and Colon Cancer”, and find our good friend Russell the Aborigini. Clad in a loin cloth that would make John and Bo Derek both blush. Is John still alive? Either way. . .But there in all his overweight and sweaty splendor is “Russell” accompanying Russell on his many obvious boardwalk adventures is “Lil’ Russell the Love Muscle”. Let me just say, folks that if you haven’t eaten prior to coming to the beach, should you encounter the two (they travel in tandem), you will swear off Jody Mahoney for a month! (This has all been a thinly-veiled reference to his “junk”.) But all in all, well worth the price of admission.

All seriousness aside.

I have neither met or talked to either “Russell”. I’m not sure that’s even his name! For all I know his name is Leonard Thompkins from Inglewood. But this is how I choose to address this South California Treasure and that is how I know I’ve arrived at my favorite little stomping grounds. It’s also around the same time I shield my childrens’ eyes and start counting heads.

That’s also when my wife and I like to start playing a little game we call, “Schitzo or Bluetooth“. We like to pick random people who are walking down the strip and decide, as they talk to themselves out loud, if they are actually talking to someone on a wireless, hands-free headset or if they are, in fact, mentally ill. We have been playing different variations of this game through the years. It started as “Really Talking to Someone On Their Cell or That Insecure?” and evolved into “Is Their Gynecologist Appointment That Important That The Whole World Has To Hear About it or NOT?” Now we have this updated version and I find it far more entertaining. You should play it some time. At any rate, in a place like this, in case you run out of funds (We obviously never do) it provides a good day and a half of enjoyment. You can skip the “Hollywood” stuff entirely and most of the “Universal” tour blows anyway.

Why do I complain (or at least seem to) incessantly about this place? Because I want to LIVE THERE! I want to walk among the freaks as their cherished Master! Just kidding! I want to live in Santa Monica and have a decent job, find an agent, become a character actor, do some commercials and maybe a bit part in a decent movie, sell my screenplays, Blow the Lid off the Joint with an Epic Animated Feature Film Franchise and retire to a secluded island retreat that make “Jimmy Buffet” jealous! It’s all quite simple, really!

I’ll be honest, my bid for total world domination is falling woefully short in spite of this AMAZING blog and as a result of my apparent internet ineptitude. I have a raucous and obviously overzealous group of “Twitter” elite with offers to increase my “Blog and Tweet” activity 10 fold in less than the time it takes me to finish this sentence. 2 years ago if someone was to want to increase my “Blog and Tweet” activity, they would have probably told me to try Metamucil. Go Figg’r!

So for the now 16 or so of you that read this blog (yet still no FOLLOWERS), I appreciate your support and I will return with the continuation of how Adam Lamber,Perez Hilton, and Tony Robbins renewed my faith in humanity. But I will be incommunicato for a few days. I’ve got a couple interviews IN Santa Monica and who knows. I’m still looking for a little help though. If someone knows of a 3 Bedroom apartment in Culver City for cheap, let me know.

Talk at ya’ soon!

Peace – Later

D A N

Venice Beach! Are You Ready for Me?! (Adam Lambert. . .I’m So Over You!)

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on June 21, 2009 by danof89

Hello my faithful few! Good News from the “Land of Silk and Money”. It seems as if our good friends in the Greater Los Angeles area may have deemed me “worthy” of walking amongst their oddly 10 million or so residents. “Odd” being the operative word. I may be joining the ranks of the working class in lovely downtown Santa Monica. But before I decide to take on this challenging, but surely rewarding role(tour bus guide), I need to set the record straight. I need to let Los Angeles’ father know what my intentions are for his beloved little city. I am going to have my way with you Los Angeles! Lock the doors and board the windows, ‘cuz I want to (what do the kids say nowadays? “Raise the Proverbial Roof”?! yes, I’m fully aware those words have never been uttered in exactly that way, nor has “Raise the Roof” even been used for well over. . .maybe 6 years).

Nevertheless, I’m coming, and no one will be the same! When I say that, I mean it in the most philosophical way. Like if one was to throw a pebble into the ocean. Although, outwardly it would appear to have little or no affect at all, just the mere change in locale of the pebble,the slight displacement of the water and the physical removal of the pebble from the shoreline and its introduction to a new environment would forever change the course of the physical object’s makeup and chronology. Of course, just like the pebble, I might wash back up on shore and simply be a “rock” for the remainder of eternity. But I’m a sucker for happy endings. That other thing just kind of sucks.

I know what you’re asking. (mom) How is a job as a Tour Bus Guide, going to translate into a meaningful and lifelong career? Well, it’s not. . .DUH!(sorry,mom) But in a city that apparently doesn’t take well to “outsiders”, but takes well to our money, it’s hard to even get a job at a Quizno’s there without a “headshot” or a blank prescription medication pad and a Dr.’s signature stamp. (I do not know about that first hand, but I was told it wouldn’t hurt). I just wanted an “in”. I make no secrets about it. I am a product of the Midwest. Born in Keokuck, Iowa,raised as a preacher’s son(explains a lot,right?) and have had “STARS” in my eyes,from a very young age. Now, pushing 40(but not looking it. . .I swear!); I want to take a crack at my dream. H-O-L-L-Y-W-O-O-D. Midlife crisis? Some might think so. . .If I were ever going to die!

All Seriousness Aside. . .

Some of those who have been at it a while, with bit parts in AM/PM commercials, spending hours in long lines at open casting calls . . .for yet another rejection. Waiting tables and tending bar at night, so you can pound the pavement by day in endless and fruitless searches for just that ONE SHOT. Knowing deep down that you’re never gonna’ make it and just wanting to call home, if only you could still talk to your folks without asking for money. Just to hear them say they were proud of you, just once. Well, like I said, I’m COMING. The thing that sets me apart from this sad and tragic lot is quite simple. . . I am talented.

Now I know what you’re asking. (mom. . . ‘cuz you’re the only one still reading this). Don’t all these kids feel that way when they pack up and head to Hollywood? Well, Maybe. I don’t know. I’ve never actually talked to anyone in the business, but I watch a lot of TV. I got lost in some talent agency, about a year ago, trying to find someone to represent a film and TV script, only to be greeted by 2 large security guards announcing (quite impressively) that they did not accept unsolicited material. They did give me a business card (after I begged for one) and I did see Shia Lebeoff as they gently escorted me past the valets. So if you want to get technical, I’ve “rubbed elbows” with some pretty impressive individuals. But, as I see it, it was they – who had a brush with greatness.

So if any of you have the opportunity to take a bus tour of the “Stars Homes” in a few weeks, pay close attention to your Guide. Tip him well, as he needs every cent to move his family down there. The rent is bordering on illegal! For those of you who haven’t dosed off or found something more interesting, like an Online Papa John’s coupon, I still have some businness to discuss. For just the price of a cup of coffee, you too can send a needy family to Los Angeles! (MINE).

This is not a gimmick and if some of you can hang with me, I’ll have more details to follow. It will be for the betterment of mankind, or at the very least, will help one guy fulfill a dream and generate a little buzz in La-La Land! And isn’t that what we all want? Me to feel better? One last thing about the job in Santa Monica. . . Did I mention I haven’t driven down there all that much? Should make for an interesting summer!

Peace – Later

D A N

Father’s Day – The Tree-Topper

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on June 22, 2009 by danof89

For those of you scoring at home. I took the job in Santa Monica today. However, unlike my usual shenanigans and zany wordplay, today I want to share something a little different. While I was returning from the LA area, my step-son was taken by ambulance to the hospital. I am told he is fine, however, as a child with a congenital heart defect, we can’t take chances. I am waiting now to pick up he and his mother from the hospital and hopefully spend a rested night together as a family. I thank God that he is okay. . .I hadn’t put much thought into this Father’s Day. I lost my father-in-law last February and my father December 27th.

However, before I left I wrote a short program that I performed at the small church I attend. I hope you will indulge me. . .A Tribute to My Dads:

The Tree Topper

Scene: A Small attic. A few miscellaneous props (a chair,an old doll, knick knacks,etc.) A table sits in the middle of the room with a chest on it. to the right. . a door.

Enter Door-stage right

Man enters with a girl leading him by the arm. Man is holding a cordless phone to his ear.

Girl 1: C’mon dad, mom says the chest is up here!

Man: Okay, honey, hold on (talks into phone)
Yeah, mom, yeah we found the trunk. . .uh huh. . . Just a sec (turns to girl)
Honey,go downstairs and tell your mom I found the decorations for the tree, I’ll be down in a minute.

Girl 1: Okay dad, but don’t forget the star! (girl exits)

Man: Okay (back to the phone)
. . .yeah mom? We found the trunk from your old house.. . I’m sure the tree-topper is in here somewhere. (runs hand along the chest)
…What?. . . Uh, no, I don’t think we’ll be able to make it home this year. . . I know (faning disappointment)
I’ve got work and with Katie’s new job and the kids’ school programs (opening the trunk and going through some items)
. . .Yeah, I know mom, I promise. . .We’ll help you break in the new place next year. . . Uh, mom? Let me call you back okay? Yeah, I’m getting another call. . Uh huh. . .yeah. . .yeah, love you too.(hangs up the phone and sets it on the table – - -Sighs and starts going trough the trunk,pulling out various decorations,old clothes, etc- – -pauses and pulls out a star)

Man smiles. . (satisfied look)

Man: The tree-topper.

(Man starts to close the trunk,but notices something and reaches in. . . pulling out an envelope)

Man: What’s this. . .(inspects envelope)

Man:It’s from Dad. . . To me?

(Man opens the envelope and unfolds the enclosed letter- – -reading aloud)

Man:

Dear Son,

Chances are,if you’re reading this you’re either looking for Christmas decorations for your mother, or I’m no longer with you.

(Man holds up star and looks at it – - continues reading)

First of all. . .Merry Christmas! I miss you all very much, but let me assure you. . . I’m fine. I’m safe and home with our heavenly Father. .

I’m writing this now, while my health is still good enough to tell you how I feel about Christmas. . . and how I feel about you.

I’m dying son. . .As sure as the day is long. . . But that’s okay. . . That’s part of life . . .and where I am today, as you read this, is the most precious gift we can be given. . .It’s God’s gift son. . .

You’ve heard the Christmas story every year of your life,since you were a child. I read it to you kids year after year, watching you all just itching to to get at your first present. I hope through the years you continue reading that story to your kids. . . my grand-babies. . .
What a collection of humanity they’ve become. I’m proud of them all. . .and of you.

I want them to know what Christmas really means, Son.

Let me tell you a story I’m not sure you’ve heard. . .

When you kids were little I used to work at a packing plant. We were making it . . .but barely. Your mother had to take on extra work knitting and sewing for other families in the community. All the while taking care of me and you rugrats. I was laid off that year. . 3 weeks before Christmas. My last check barely covered the rent, your mom’s money barely covered the bills. We didn’t know what we were going to eat, let alone buy you kids gifts.

On Christmas Eve, your mother walked to the corner drugstore with $10 and determination in her heart. You kids would have presents. Even if they were candy bars and notebook paper.

That being said, when she got there she couldn’t find a thing. (man smiles)Nothing seemed right until she saw a big stocking filled with little knick knack toys, and odds and ends games and candy). Your mother asked the cashier how much it was. She said it was $15. Determined as you know your mother is, she asked if that was their “best price”.

Needless to say your mother walked out of that drugstore with that stocking. . .and a baby doll for your sister. . .and a tree-topper.

(Man looks at tree-topper)

Yes son. . .that old beat up star that we’ve used all these years. .

The druggist was a church-going man who recognized your mother from making a pair of overalls for his boy. He sent her home her home with our Christmas. . .You may remember it.

It was the puniest tree we’ve ever had. . . But what a Tree-topper

You kids played with those toys ’til the wee-hours. . . It was one of the best Christmas’s we ever had . .

And that’s why we held on to that tree-topper. Like we always held on to hope. . .Like we held on to each other. . .Like we hold on to God’s gift. . .

For God so Loved the world,
That he gave his only begotten son,
That whosoever believeth in him,
Should not perish, but have ever-lasting life. . .

I Love you Son. .Hold on to God’s gifts

Merry Christmas, I’m with you Always. . .

Dad

(Door to attic opens Boy holding Girl 2)

Boy: Dad,mom wants to know if you found grandma and grandpa’s star?

(Man wipes tears)

Man: Yeah, yeah (composing himself) I’ll be down in a second

Girl 2: Hurry Dada, I Love You!

Man: Okay. . .I Love you too.

Boy and girl exit (leaving door open)

Man: (Out loud – - to himself) Hold on to God’s gifts

(Man looks at tree topper,holds it to his chest and exits)

End of Scene 1

Middle portion -family attends church service featuring Luke 2

(Final Scene)

Scene: Older woman sitting in a rocking chair, next to a Christmas tree and listening to Christmas music.

(Knock at the door) :stage right

Woman gets up,turns down radio and approaches door

Woman:Who is it?

Man: It’s me mom.

Woman: (excitedly opens door to reveal the man and his family) Oh dear!(with joy)

Man: (Extends hand holding tree-topper) I’ve got a gift from Dad. . .

Thanks for indulging me. I performed this 10 days before returning home to be with my dad when he passed away. I’ll be honest, I’VE NEVER WITNESSED A MORE POWERFUL AND PEACEFUL MOMENT. I was lucky to have known him and to have been able to say goodbye. Now, as I wait to pick up my son, I give thanks for the relationships I’ve been given. My dad’s last words to me, after not seeing him for 5 years? “You Seem Smarter”. Thanks Dad, and I owe it all to you.

I’ll be blogging again soon, so stay tuned.

Peace – Later

D A N

“IF THEY ARE CELEBRITIES, GET ME OUT OF HERE!”

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on June 23, 2009 by danof89

I’m not going to take any jabs at the obvious targets here. To be honest, I’ve only watched one episode of the show, and I enjoyed it. I am a little disheartened to find out that the fat Baldwin was bounced (figuratively). But I do have faith in the one from “Bio-Dome”. Anyone that can make a groundbreaking film like “Threesome” and then turn around for a career-ending partnership with Pauly Shore (for a turkey that makes Ishtar credible); has a set on him that, I think, will quite possibly sustain him through the duration of this guilty pleasure. (This opinion is brought to you by someone who thinks that NBC has stellar and very viable programming to begin with) So my feelings on the matter may be a little skewed. But don’t even get me started on Lou Diamond Phillips. C’mon . . .La Bamba? The Young Guns Duology? Lou, man . . . really?

No, what I really wanted to focus on again was CELEBRITY in a much broader sense. I said in a former entry that I wasn’t going to dwell on this subject, yet I feel I need to revisit it and peel back a couple layers. I want to get at the heart of our obsession with who “we” make CELEBRITIES. . .

I have been “Tweeting” or “Twittering”, or whatever all day. I’ve just been sitting back and watching the circus unroll their tent and set up shop in this sleepy little town of ours. I’ve watched the snake oil salesmen peddling their wares and the “carnies” hit on our under-age daughters. How something so sinister as the plight of “Jon and Kate” has riveted a nation. How a “know-nothing, flamboyant hack” like Perez Hilton, gets punched in the mouth he seems to not be able to keep shut, and we all go. . .”woah!” Kind of Like a Joey Lawrence – Blossom “woah”, though, a little more gutteral. Yeah that’s it. What is it about Adam Lambert, that intrigued us (or me) a week ago? Just to see him starting to fade away like Billy Baldwin after the “Sliver” premiere. Sorry, I had to get in another Baldwin. No matter how obscure the reference. I’ve got a deal with Netflix. That reminds me, I think I still have a copy of “About Last Night” under my driver’s seat.

Speaking of Demi (or MRSKUTCHER – her twitter persona – clever and probably a way to make up for not taking his name). I am very interested in hearing or reading more about any recent dental work you’ve had done. (biting sarcasm) In actuality, all it really does, is reinforce my belief that you are indeed significantly older than MR. KUTCHER. I have the sinking feeling that she will soon be the long-awaited replacement for Martha Rae (rest her soul) in a whole new series of Polident commercials. Yet we, as a world, can’t get enough of this crap! Gotta’ love it! I am quite sure I understand the split with Bruce now. He wanted to go for the aesthetically pleasing “bald” look and she wanted to go “Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs”. But if you do ever have the opportunity to read her “TWIT” (yeah), you’ll find she is a kind a generous person, who encourages everyone to take part in various charitable organizations. See there! She’s using her CELEBRITY to make a difference. (and pimp her dentist)

All seriousness aside. . .

I do want to know if Robin and Dr. Phil are breaking up. I do want to know how to lose the extra baby weight like that “Sabrina the Teenage Witch” chick. I do want to know if Kate has domestically abused Jon in a way that makes him say his “F’s” funny and walk with a limp. I do want to know why Ed McMahon hasn’t returned any of my phone calls. I mean I do have a little gold I’m trying to turn into cash. God Help Me! I find this stuff interesting. At least mildly amusing and worth taking a shot at. But why? I know the long-running theory is that knowing about celebrities lives (and often misfortunes) offers us “regular-folk” an escape from our “boring everyday lives”. I’m not real fond of theories, though. Make no bones about it. I want to be a CELEBRITY. I think there are a whole lot of us out there too.

I understand that a large portion of these folks had to work long and hard to do it, too. Don’t get me wrong. I know it takes sacrifice and hard work. Harrison Ford was George Lucas’s carpenter, Perez Hilton had to learn to write, Dr. Phil was Stedman’s shrink, Octomom had to sleep with a plastic surgeon and a fertility specialist. I mean the road to CELEBRITY is a long and treacherous one. The payoff when you get there, according to the CELEBRITIES is marginal, at best. I’m not sure I’m willing to take their word for it though. I think I wanna’ walk in their Ferragamos for a day. On second thought, skip the shoes, I’ll take the money.

And if you read this blog often (you don’t), I’m on my way to stake my claim and find out what’s behind door #2. Hopefully not the donkey with a potato cart. I hate that!

Peace Out – Later

D A N

Tour Bus Guide to the Stars!

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on June 24, 2009 by danof89

So what’s crackin’ Starbucks? Yeah, I claim my piece of the American Pie tomorrow and not even a respectable Immigrant Peach Cobbler will be safe! I’m comin’ to HOLLYWeird! To be honest, there was some sort of clerical error with my pre-employment drug test, so it may be pushed back an additional day or so. No biggie, I’m sure most people are asked for 12 samples, but isn’t it usually urine? Yeah, I don’t know, but the line was awfully long and why did I have to take an IQ test and those magazines in with me? (I only read the articles) Anyone ever hear of 4Ever Fertile near the 405 and Sepulveda?

Before I do make my presence known in this town begging for me to do just that very thing, I need to clear the air. There’s been a few things I’ve been mulling over. Not a laundry list of grievances more like a post-it note of unpleasantries. And lets face it folks, with a job as high-profile and all-inclusive like Tour Bus Guide, I’m sure to be hob-knobbing with Celebrities and The Upper Echelon in a matter of days, once they’ve been made aware I’ve landed. I’m sure preparations are well under way at the Santa Monica “Y” and a warm cot is being unfolded as I speak.

I just want a few of the TV and Movie Execs to take heed. I wield extraordinary Creative Critical Power and they would best be served as my foot soldiers on this campaign. (Over the top?) For starters: ”Moving Picture” creators need to be on the lookout for my Scathing and Unflinchingly Honest Movie Reviews. The most incredible twist for these reviews? I will be writing reviews for movies I haven’t even seen! And why should I, really? I know the actors and the basic formula for every movie that’s come out of Hollywood since Pulp Fiction and that’s only because Tarrantino did that weird “jumpin’ around timeline thing”. I know the actors’ limitations. For instance don’t put Samuel L Jackson in anything-again-ever! Do I have to name the movies of late? Really? Truthfully there hasn’t been a bonafide crowd-pleaser since The Breakfast Club and Samuel L Jackson would have killed as the janitor. Tell me I’m wrong.

All Seriousness Aside,

I was getting my haircut in the salon a couple months ago and my stylist “Stephen” (why always their formal name? Not Steve or Stevie?)was telling me how his friend had gotten his hands on that bootlegged copy of “Wolverine”. He told me how he had watched virtually the entire movie with the actors performing before a “Green Screen”. He cackled (as only Stephen can) when he told of the horrible dialogue being exchanged between thespians with no real direction whatsoever. They merely seemed to “run their lines” and then every once in a while a prop guy would come by and dangle a toy airplane in front of their faces, so they would have a physical item to play off of. I’m sure many of you have seen it. In all fairness I have not. I have not seen the fully CGI’d Feature Film Released to Theatre-goers either, but from what I’ve been told by others not in charge of my beautiful locks, I needn’t bother. That is my point. I don’t want to see something that looks like one of my kids video games. I don’t want so much CGC (Computer-Generated Crap) in my movie that I run the risk of seizure or at the very least get as dizzy and sick to my stomach I want to hurl,like when I watched “The Blair Witch Project”. I’ve got an idea for these “Moving Picture” creators. Stop the frickin’ moving around! I’ll even do them one better; instead of Dazzling us with special effects, why don’t you Dazzle us with a Decent Script? Hey Actors! Could you Dazzle us with an Honest Performance?

There is such a thing as “Oversaturation” in the marketplace and I think the seats in the multiplex are oozing with CGC. In fact when my kids come back from the movies they need to change their pants . . .immediately.(‘cuz of the whole wetness thing).

I am going to tread on some sacred ground around my house for a moment. But does Johnny Depp really need another vehicle to showcase his talents? Now we have him “Bedazzled-all-Up” as the “Mad-Hatter” and I see him all over Billboards playing Dillinger. We get it sir, you’ve got some range to ya’. But how many actors are carrying this town right now? If you tell me Seth Rogan, I’ll punch you in the throat. But even Johnny doing that “Alice in Wonderland” schtick, will be a CGC “sight-to-be-hurled”. I’m jumping ahead of myself. I haven’t fully thought out this review before putting it to words. But what I wouldn’t give for a slice of “21 Jump Johnny” or even “Nightmare on Elm Street Johnny”. (sigh)

But, I’m on my way Hollywood! Roll out the red carpet and shine up a “Star-To Be Engraved Later”. But I’m heading for you! I know that soon we will be at all the same parties and swarees. (Actually I don’t know if that is spelled right) But we’ll be hanging by the pool. Suddenly, I have an urge to listen to Weezer. So as soon as my lab results get back, you’re all mine. More Importantly – I’m All Yours. You’re SO Welcome!

(Small disclaimer: The chances of me actually catching sight of a “STAR” during one of my many excursions to be upcoming, will probably be slim to nil. Driving through Malibu I look at all the empty balconies and deserted homes and wonder where the heck everyone is. Same thing in Beverly Hills and some of the other “Celebrihoods”. But I’ll find out where they congregate. I think they give me that information when I check out my cot at the “Y”.)

Peace Out – Later

D A N

Ed McMahon

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on June 24, 2009 by danof89

I Joke a lot on this thing, but I just found out about Ed late tonight. Don’t know where I’ve been all day. Obviously why he didn’t return my calls. (Joke) The jab at him in yesterday’s block was bad timing. He was a class act in my book; no matter the tabloid crap, law suits and other stuff. I will always remember hiding behind my dads Lazy Boy watching he and Johnny past my bed time. My dad pretending not to know, so I could watch their skits. I’m sure those of us old enough, all have similar stories. He was a stud! Be back with the funny soon. . .

Peace out – Later

D A N

Pssst, Uh Yeah, The Line Starts Back There . . .

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on July 1, 2009 by danof89

Well, my loyal “CELEBRA-TAUNTS”, I’ve come back from the dead. . . dead celebrities that is. This was my first day off from the new and shockingly unprofitable world of TOUR BUS GUIDE TO THE STARS! I’m sorry that I’ve been away for so long. To be honest, this has been a less than stellar introduction to the world of which I hope and will be a party to in a matter of weeks. I am not going to skate on the edge of bad taste by commenting much on the death of the 3 icons of the industry. It has been done to death (npi) and to be quite honest, I think I speak for a large portion of society, that still takes pride in themselves, by saying I’m ’bout OVER IT.

No, not the sense of loss that only losing someone you never in a million years really even wanted to meet can bring (with the exception of ED, maybe). But the overall hole left in our social consciousness by the celebrity’s passing. There will never be another King of Pop, or Poster Girl and industry trendsetter with a BIG heart, or another Edward Leo Peter McMahon Jr. There just won’t. But that’s life folks. I don’t know if making fun of these guys makes it easier to process or buffers the reality or what. I think it’s stupid and tacky. But they were people first and foremost. They all, like them or not, had fans. They all had their ups and downs.(very publicly)And as far as I can tell, their legacy has been solidified. Being in LA all week, gave me the opportunity to speak with tourists; American and from abroad. I got a real sense that these people, by and large, did suffer from varying degrees of loss with these deaths. I’m not a cold-hearted person, but I can’t grieve as deeply as some of those true blue and die hard fans. I never knew any of them. I wasn’t related to any of them.

But there were moments in my life with all three that I did have a relationship with them (of sorts). Ed was a symbol of classic Hollywood to me, in the truest sense of the word. To me he was that good-natured drunk Uncle that always came over on the holidays and said something inappropriate at the dinner table. But everyone wanted him there. For comic relief and to keep your mind off the fact you really didn’t like talking to a lot of your family. He and Johnny were a Once in A Lifetime Duo. (No offense to Conan and the fat guy).

Farrah, well though I never actually owned “the poster”, I had friends with older brothers that did and that was always AWESOME! Charlie’s Angels was cool, even though I was partial to Jacqueline Smith and later Cheryl Ladd. And I’m a little too young to get the “hair” thing, but I was in my 20’s during the height of FREINDS and realize the “Rachel” implications. But it was actually her work in ‘Movies of the Week’ and “The Burning Bed” that made me take notice. She was a talented actress and I was always pulling for her and Ryan to ‘Tie the Knot Already! Nobody else wants you!’ (Notice to Goldie and Kurt). To top it off, as quirky as she was, I don’t know anyone that wasn’t pulling for her. She was a Lady, in my book.(Available on Amazon and at Barnes & Noble in December,just in time for Holiday gift-giving!)

Then there’s Michael. Oh man. . .Been struggling with this one. Being a TOUR BUS GUIDE TO THE STARS! I have been asked a lot this week,about my feelings on the whole MJ thing. I don’t know. Let me just say this. When I was a kid (about 12,I guess), Thriller came out. I got the glove. I got the tape. I learned the dances. I even got some break dancing video with matching instructional poster and cassette because Alfonso Ribeiro was hanging out with Michael between stints on Silver Spoons and hanging out with Michael. It was a very weird point in my adolescence. Probably like a lot of the young men Michael mentored.( maybe not a lot) But he was my friend. He was cool. He was accessible even though he really wasn’t. What happened the next 20 plus years is beyond me, and to be honest I don’t want to know. I will say this and I will only say it once. I do not believe he hurt any children or abused them in any way. Would I have let my kids hang out with him? Not On Your Life! But this is my block, and I’ll say what I think. But he’ll remain who he was to me when I was a kid. Really, isn’t that all any of us deserve? To be remembered when we were at our best? (Unless, of course, you’re OJ, Hitler, Jeffrey Dahmer, or Charles Manson). Not a whole lot of redeeming value in that quartet!

So my friends, though you’ve probably been jonesin’ for a fix of GO FIGG’R, that would tear your funny bone a new one or at least “mangle your humerus beyond repair”, I offer you this entry in light of the last couple weeks’ events. I spent the better part of last week learning the art of acting in Hollywood.(Some would argue it was not the better part or an art). But I have learned how Hollywood works in a relatively quick amount of time by anyone’s standards. Except mine, of course, because my expectations are vastly higher than a normal human’s. Yes, it seems that Hollywood seems to be deeply rooted in the ALMIGHTY DOLLAR. In fact, not just the ALMIGHTY DOLLAR, but many of them. Like oodles of dollars! Even more interesting to me is that it seems like success in Hollywood depends on how quickly you can get another human type of person (not everyone in Hollywood-it turns out, is actually human, per se, well maybe in a broader sense, but not like one with an actual soul) to relinquish said dollars to you.

So I’ve spent the week, asking unassuming tourists of our beloved America as well as those from countries that border on varying degrees of good vs. bad taste and who all seem to speak in a dialect I don’t understand no matter how slowly they speak, to entrust with me their recently traded-for new ALMIGHTY DOLLARS. I assure them that they will spent wisely. All of the various production costs that I incur with the size of such a Well-Oiled Publicity and Marketing MoneyMaker, like GO FIGG’R. (I won’t say it again, you know what you’re reading, I think) will be met so that I may continue to entertain and inform. They seemed pleased as punch to be helping a real CELEBRITY. I TOLD you people. Now sit back and watch the rise of a star!

In all actuality, I am doing the public a service. My first order of business as a CELEBRITY, when I honestly reach that stature, in a few weeks, will be to make ALL CELEBRITIES more accessible! Think about it. How often do you get to see the rise of a celebrity as it happens in real time? I’m offering you folks the opportunity of a lifetime. (Unless you count that Project Greenlight thing that started Shia Labeouf), but I don’t and that movie ended up being horrendous. But if any of you remember, I did have a brush with Shia last year. Coincidence, or foreshadowing? I know, but you’ll have to watch this unfold.

I will continue to be a TOUR GUIDE TO THE STARS! even when I reach the pinnacle of my success. I will start the tour every morning at my own home after brunch and a rousing bocce ball match(Anyone knowing how to play wins.) On occasion, I will have CELEBRITY friends over for an occasional roundtable discussion on any variety of topics. When more contributions are made for my cause, I will even keep an assortment of your favorite cheeses and soft drinks in the fridge. Just call like a day before, so my wife can run to the store. It will be great fun and groundbreaking on my part. Far fewer paparazzi, because then we’ll all just be like you guys. What’s exciting about that? As far as the privacy factor. I had enough privacy at home listening to “Beat It” with my friends brother’s poster. (He lent it out for a dollar).

The One Thing I didn’t like this week is waiting in line in LA. Everyone seems to be in a tremendous hurry to . . .wait in line. As a CELEBRITY, I want to enact some sort of legislation doing away with such a wasteful pastime. I would much rather feed some ducks or do a puzzle than wait in line. . .or hurry. My example could best be seen in the HUGE lines to Michael Jackson’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame (directly in front of Mann’s Chinese Theater and why is it named after Asian noodles now-in case you can’t afford a tour). Standing there to pay respects at the shrine were thousands of people. Having the relationship I did with Michael, I casually walked on the street around the barracades and security, took my rightful spot by the star and snapped a photo. Suddenly, a security guard, obviously not knowing the nature of my relationship with Mike or Who He Was Speaking To, said (quite cavalierly), “PSST, Uh Yeah, The Line Starts Back There”. I can only assume the poor man is illiterate or has no computer at home, but I took no offense, He didn’t know me and that’s how I want it to stay as a CELEBRITY. The only real obstacle I have in my quest to Meet Mr. Speilberg, is that as A TOUR GUIDE TO THE STARS!, I’ve come to realize that he has no fewer than 1,607 homes in the greater Los Angeles Area and my chances of catching him at home may be a little difficult. No matter. I’ll keep you posted.(You thought I was done about 2 paragraphs ago didn’t you? I don’t have an Editor.)

Enjoy My Journey (details on donating to the cause are coming!)

Peace Out- Later

D A N

ATTENTION: This is NOT SPAM, You May NOT Already Be A Winner, And I Don’t Need You To Transfer Funds Through Bank of America! (Alms for the Poor)

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on July 9, 2009 by danof89

. . .That being said, my discerning and “success story-hungry” minions, is where I’d like to begin today’s offering. I’ve been away again from the one thing that has catapulted me to the level of uber beruhmtheit, in the eyes of German tourists and all of you over this last month. I didn’t know that beginning my reign as the king of TOUR BUS GUIDES TO THE STARS was going to be such a labor intensive and decidedly rigorous and brain-power-depleting activity. The mere fact that I had to look up CELEBRITY in German, to understand what they had been saying and then not be able to get my Google to stop displaying all of my subsequent searches in German, speaks volumes. Who would have known that to become a TOUR BUS GUIDE TO THE STARS, I would be expected to KNOW things. Not only that, but know ABOUT things. Like why I can’t put umlauts over my German vowels.

I would like to apologize to the dozen or so of you (mostly family wanting to see if I’ve been arrested – NO) who read this little ditty, for seemingly neglecting my duty to entertain you over the last few weeks, for as often as you’d grown accustomed. I feel as though I’ve failed you and promise to try and remedy the situation WHEN I GET A FEW SECONDS!

All Seriousness Aside,

I have been trying over the last couple of weeks to get my foot in the door of one of HOLLYWOOD’s most prestigious ranks. A group of men and women whose very presence in this cherished city, is only surpassed by those toting cardboard signs by freeway overpasses,bag ladies on Rodeo Drive and their beloved paparazzi. Yes, I now belong to the coveted inner sanctum of those comprising all of the power and the KEY that starts the City; their fingers on the pulse of the real goings-on in Tinseltown. I am a “lanyard-with-card” carrying member of the Los Angeles Tourism Posse. (Represent, Yo) And you will be happy to know that in my quest to completely integrate and become one with Los Angeles, I’ve stepped up my game. Just today I took further action that will result in me becoming an even more formidable yet indispensable citizen in the Greater Los Angeles Area. I put my intellectual and professional credentials on the line, when I was invited to take part in the initial testing and interviewing process to become a METROPOLITAN BUS DRIVER in Culver City! It’s true, yes, so true.

Now for those of you that are not familiar with Culver City, It is steeped in “Old Hollywood” tradition. A lot of “back lots” for major studios were there in its glorious past. Sony Pictures still has a studio there; as do a few of the others. (don’t judge me for my Culver City knowledge, I don’t give tours through there). But I’m told it is RIPE with Hollywood history, and I don’t think the guy at 7 Eleven has a reason to lie to me. But be rest assured that I am doing everything within my power to immerse myself in the culture of the area, so that when my CELEBRITY rocket takes off, you will be able to see that the launch pad was firmly planted in the heart of Los Angeles. I applied at a Kohl’s on Crenshaw too, but they haven’t gotten back to me.

I did this as a result of a recent backlash from those starving artists and struggling actors, who have expressed their apparent displeasure in my candid remarks concerning their plight in one of my more recent entries. I received a few interesting “Tweets” and e-mails stating that some had taken offense to my “making light” of what it involves to make it in Hollywood in the ENTERTAINMENT field. I run the risk of over-stepping my bounds again by stating, isn’t ENTERTAINMENT, subjective? Just like any other art form? I might say the same thing about these poor kids collective plight, as well. I didn’t ask you to give up your friends and family and move halfway across the country, alienating your loved-ones, for a dream that in the eyes of most and in all probability will never even come close to fruition. That’s on you kids. Sorry. To the nay-sayers and ne’er-do-wells that wish my journey to the top to be fraught with peril,failure and disappointment, because of my obvious abilities and talents? I thumb my nose to you and hope you all get a nasty rash. I’d also like to ask them if they shouldn’t be bussing some tables or running some lines instead of reading blogs on the computer in their $3000 apartments during their apparent spare time? Seems like they must have a surplus of it, huh?

I, on the other hand, do not. . .Ya’ know, have spare time. But I MAKE Time for You. As well I should. Soon you will be enjoying all sorts of entertainment of which I will provide you. And you, in turn, will be paying my mortgage, my old student loans, my childrens’ tuitions and for a new minivan. So in a way, I guess I owe it to you.

I have seen the numbers of readers of my BLOCK rising since its inception in June. I have also seen the numbers of people following me in Twitter rising steadily in the last few weeks. Although, I have had to turn quite a number away as they really were not to my liking. They seemed to be preoccupied with some vary odd things during their apparent spare time. But thanks anyway, Really. Those of you that have been riding the tour buses in which I’ve been training: Thank You. I’m sure some of the numbers can be attributed to you and you just don’t know any better. I am pretty charming. Thanks for voting as well.

I have been saying the last week that I would provide you all with the details and a list of qualifications as to how you could help me in my quest and why I should be a CELEBRITY, and I will. I do NOT expect to become a CELEBRITY just because I am asking to. The reasons that I want to become one and should, may also surprise you. They are many and varied.

As you can guess, by now, this is just a message leading, to a segue, introducing a beginning of that information. I want to make sure that all the Stars are aligned. That I’ve got the information I want to present to you in order, in such a way that I can make a compelling and valid case on my own behalf. I will give you a second hint though: I am not seeking fame as a blogger. This will never pay the bills. Heck, the jobs I have now don’t pay the bills. But this is the WORLD WIDE WEB. There’s got to be a “6 Degrees. . .” factor going on out there. And if someone knows someone that knows someone . . .who Knows,Right? If you enjoy what I do, tell a friend. Help me get my numbers up. Tell Ashton or Demi. Even if I bag on them, they probably know someone that might help me. Why would they want to? Because I COULD blog like Perez . . .and all those little half-baked wannabes out there, but I don’t. I have fun and I’m taking you for the ride. I’m your TOUR BUS GUIDE TO THE STARS. GO FIGG’R.

The Real Skinny is on deck. Please Stay Tuned . . .

Peace Out-Later

D A N

My Most Compelling Case for You Helping Make ME a CELEBRITY. . .

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on July 11, 2009 by danof89

My Family

Thought long and hard about it folks. In addition to the minutes of utter joy and fulfillment I can and do provide to you. THESE are the 5 reasons you should help me to become a CELEBRITY. (Looks like an album cover doesn’t it? Don’t know what group, but I’d say we’d had just about enough of the pier and each other that day), Don’t hold it against them, they’d been with ME all day.

All Seriousness Aside,

I DO have some further “less heart-tugging” examples to share with you in my next post. Actual examples and a quick bio and resume of sorts for your perusal. I want you all to form an educated decision before you surely decide. . . I am the End All to Your Be All!

Peace Out – Later

D A N

Throw In The Back-Scratcher And You’ve Got Yourself A Deal

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on July 13, 2009 by danof89

I’m becoming increasingly convinced that life is just “One Big Deal”. Moreover, I think Life is comprised of a whole slew of “Deals”. You see and hear them going on around you all the time. “That was a Deal-Breaker”,”You’ve got yourself a Deal!“, “What’s the Deal?” and my personal favorite. . . “Deal-a-Meal really works Honies, when you’re done Dealing cards you’re done eating for the Day!”(thank you Mr. S) But seriously, I’ve been observing those around me all week in Los Angeles and I’d have to say; that this city is not only an accurate cross-section of society, but quite possibly has the Largest Concentration of Deals in the World. But how does this pertain to you. . .the Average Joe? Why did I bring up something that, to some, may be so blatantly obvious? Furthermore, how can you use this little “tidbit of information”, this little “nugget of knowledge” to vastly improve your otherwise meaningless existence in Our World? Let me first address that by saying, “This isn’t about You, So Get OVER Yourself!” I think I’ve already established the agenda here and anything else at this juncture would just be a distraction. I’m pretty sure this is how L. Ron Hubbard got his following. Except, he had spaceships, cool galaxy discoveries and laser guns. . .I digress.

I’ve got a Proposition for You . . the Readers. I’ve been asserting the existence of my many talents over the past few weeks and promised to reveal them at some point. . .for Approval or Rejection. To Put It To The People and Lay Out My Case, so that you all could decide for yourselves if I am worthy of this thing we call CELEBRITY. Let me just say, that I appreciate the encouragement of the few that have contacted me via/Twitter,e-mail,BlogTopList votes and especially the few I’ve met in LA during my stint as TOUR BUS GUIDE TO THE STARS! Although, I’d have to say that my reign as the Purveyor of Celebrity Spreads has been the target of some rather pointed criticism as I have yet to do more than scribble notes on a pad in the back seat of the buses during TRAINING.I’ve been driving airport runs and weddings. No matter. . . The Key to this Odyssey is what is the central focal point and as I’ve already said, I don’t like distractions.(which reminds me I lost the keys to my Odyssey last week in Venice and had to wait for like 3 hours for a locksmith) um, NO distractions.

First of all by CELEBRITY, I don’t necessarily mean FAME. Those terms are interchanged with regularity, but do not completely encompass the driving force behind my lofty goals. It could probably be better defined as WEALTH. . .Now before you get all bunched up and say,”Yeah, I’d like to be rich too or I AM rich, what is this chucklehead talking about?”, let me explain. MONEY makes the world go around. It’s NOT Love. I wish whoever originally coined that phrase got a bad case of the gout. Whoever, it was surely didn’t have my electric bill. My desire for money comes from the absence of it for, oh I don’t know, the entirety of my existence?!

I was talking to a Co-Tour Bus Guide yesterday. We were waiting for a family members and friends of a lavish wedding to conclude the ceremony so that we could, in turn, shuttle their lavish derrieres to a lavishly decorated restaurant so they could get lavishly hammered. Being the inquisitive type, I asked him (I’ll call him Sancho for purposes of this story). “Sancho, How does one make it financially in Los Angeles doing a job like this?” Knowing my aspirations and the fact that I am pinning a lot of my hopes on such meager means, he replied. “Dude, you’re white. Most White Californians are Educated. That’s why you don’t see people like you looking for jobs like this down here. It takes at least $80,000 a year to make it. . . “

I was taken aback and unsure of whether to be insulted by these remarks or encouraged for pursuing something “Out of The Box”. I mean, I am educated. I have two degrees. One in Mass Communications/Broadcast Journalism and the other in Design/Illustration.(prelude to me making my case) But Sancho naturally assumed I read at the 3rd grade level and had been pigeon-holed into performing assignments that showcased my White-Trashnicity. . .I would rather say that in this thing called LIFE, I made some bad Deals. I’ve zigged when I should have zagged and at some crossroads I made Deals that ultimately set me back a few years on my journey towards CELEBRITY(aka wealth). Now the reason I choose to use those terms interchangeably, is because. . .I have the GOODS. I’m not Perez Hilton (PH fans would certainly agree). I don’t have the celebrity ‘ins’ that he does. (or in his case, ‘ins and outs’)I actually started this little Blog thing on a whim a month and a half ago, to talk about everyday stuff. But you know what? Everyday stuff sucks. Why not let you guys see what it is that I think a lot of the “normal people” go through. People that may, for whatever reason, have gotten a Raw Deal. People that want and deserve a shot at CELEBRITY. To be honest, I’m not sure there are A LOT of us out here, but it’d sure be lonely if it was all on My ample shoulders. HOLLYWOOD and its surrounding municipalities are full of people wanting a little hope. Its also full of people that made a good deal. The distance, from this casual observer, could be called marginal at best. Because give some of these CELEBRITIES a shot, and what do they do with it? They end up like all those other lost and struggling souls living under the 405 and bathing in the restrooms on Ocean Avenue. They piss it all away. But most of the time, they have someone to clean up the mess. And we all get to watch it all unfold live on pay-per-view. Heckuva’ Deal.

So my friends and the few who stuck around. . .Where does that leave Me? (No not you,this is still about Me)

I tell you what. I’ll explain one thing to you and maybe we can take it from there. I think at one time, I eluded to the fact that in the late 90’s, I was a toy designer. I designed toys for a company that sold them to fast food companies and anyone desiring a kids’ meal promotion. I did it for about 4 years until around 2001. That’s when I made a Bad Deal. I decided to go it alone as a freelance designer and consultant and basically got lost in the shuffle. I have continued to design and write and expand the library of characters I have and have tailor fit them to create a cottage industry of Animated Films and Kid’s Programming. That being said, I also dabble in comedy writing(you wouldn’t know it) and wouldn’t mind taking a shot at acting. You may ask why I don’t just get an agent? I was talking to a friend in the toy industry a couple months ago and he said I needed to “Not stay in Hibernation for too long or the industry would pass me by”. My dilemma is that I don’t know where I fit in the industry, but I know I fit.

I’m gonna’ include a mock-up of the characters for one of my Would-be Ideas. If Anyone would like, I will include the “pitch” in an upcoming entry.

So guys. I hope this is the beginning of something cool. I am unorthodox in my business card (A Blog) and also not exactly High Profile. I never attended film school. I got a C in Acting in college (but was an understudy to ‘Danny’ in GREASE in High School. Industry professionals say that animorphism is a lost cause. This is the only group of my stories that includes animals as the leads in human roles. So stick that industry professionals. I can sell anything. Maybe you just don’t have the right “Yes” men and if this looks ‘amateur hour’ to you, it’s a mock-up! Grow an Imagination!

So Here They Are. . . I need to find a literary and/or art agent. I will start entertaining offers from Dreamworks, ILM and Pixar now.(I’ve got to think about it Disney) I’ll begin the bidding at 1 million dollars. Let’s Make A Deal!

Stay tuned. I’ll be back with the funny. . .

Peace Out – Later

D A N

Go Figg’r by Dan Freeburg is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at gofiggr.blogspot.com.

The Reign is Over. Thank God, My Umbrella Was Broken and I’m Soaked.

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on July 16, 2009 by danof89

Well, my weary and beleagured sojourners through the mirage of what Could-Have-Been. We found a brief respite and diversion from the mundane, living vicariously through my dealings with CELEBRITY dwellings and Los Angeles thoroughfares, but ALAS, it just wasn’t in the STARS. Yes, I was forced to cut short the experience, by a shifty and squinty-eyed little man of Swiss descent. The Proprietor and my boss (for lack of a better term), of nearly a month felt that I was better suited operating motor vehicles involving assignments with no challenge, no socialization with patrons and worst of all . . .no chance for gratuity. I was relegated to providing the clientele with award-winning customer service and witty banter to and from such exciting locations as: Between their Hotels and our Office and From the End of their Tours back to their Hotels. I regret to inform you that my reign as TOUR BUS GUIDE TO THE STARS! is sadly. . .over. Yeah, I quit.

Now I will be the first (after my wife, my family and most of my former employers) to say that I have a propensity for the dramatic. Some might even be so bold as to say that I’ve not been known to “stick it out” at a place of employment for any great length of time. I have two reasonable rebuttals to this claim. Number One: Bosses are typically a pain in the ass and Number Two: Work, by and large, sucks. However, in my defense, within the last few years since meeting my wife and 3 of our now 4 children, I have been a dedicated, hard-working, and loyal employee. Why? Because I have a wife and 4 of our now 4 children to take care of. I have a job right now, as a matter of fact. The only problem is that it only goes for 9 of the 12 months in a calendar year. Any guesses? No, I’m not the Governor of California or Tony Robbins. I am a School Bus Driver. You may now pick yourselves up off the floor (when you’re done laughing). We good? okay

What can I say? It’s a job and one of the better paying ones in the area in which I reside. Any guesses? No, it’s not Davenport, Iowa or as a private shuttle bus driver for Tony Robbins’ children. (He’s got a restraining order). It’s in Bakersfield, California. Did everyone just stop reading? Well, those of you left are a hearty bunch and I applaud your moxie. When this locale is typically spoken of out loud it usually conjures up scenes from ‘Deliverance‘ or people just shrug their shoulders and say, “Go Figg’r!” Let me be the first to explain it was not the muse for what you are now reading. Words cannot accurately describe the disdain I hold for this city. For those of you fortunate enough to have never traveled near, by or “heaven forbid”, through this “scourge and defilement of nature”, I can only say,”Stay Away!” I have lived in this Mos Eisley-esque conurbation, off and on, for 6 years and see no redeeming qualities in it. No creative outlets, no positive cultural or intellectual stimuli and No Tito’s Tacos! It is a vast and cavernous wasteland that only holds doom and misfortune for those unlucky enough to call it home. Of course, there are exceptions to every rule and for the most part they live on the other side of town.

I was hesitant and reluctant, at first, to divulge my whereabouts to you, the reader. I was afraid that if I were to disclose my location, I would run the risk of losing the faithful few that like to think of me as their Master of Verbal Sock-Puppetry.

Why on earth would you give merit to the rantings of a man who is so convoluted and hampered by such obvious socioeconomic and environmental obstacles? (Unemployment is like 15% and our air quality is WORSE than LA and its been over 100 degrees all week . Look it up.) Well I guess I just gave in. Maybe it was the heat or maybe I wanted you all to know what your MVSP (the sock-puppet thing) was up against. Keep in mind, I did say we’ve lived here off and on for 6 years. You have to be a little off to come back, I guess.

But just like everyone, I have a story to tell. I told you a little bit of it in my last entry and have been eluding to the agenda since this blog’s creation. Just like all of you who have kids and even those of you that don’t, I want to provide my family with a better life. The only thing that I’ve heard from the beginning of my “working life” at age 14 was, “Why are you working here?” I’ve never had the means and like I said before, sometimes you zig when you should have zagged. When I met my wife and family I zig-zagged to PERFECTION. I quit my job as TOUR BUS GUIDE TO THE STARS! because I was never going to be able to move my wife and kids down there without making tips, and a certain SQUIRELLY LITTLE SWISSMAN wouldn’t give me the opportunity because I wasn’t “From There”. Tell you what though. The day I drove home after quitting, I ran the TOUR ROUTE alone in my minivan to PERFECTION. Told you I had a flair for the dramatic. If I can find the cable to my cellphone, I’ll post the pictures for you.

I still want to move my family to LA! Don’t think for a second, that I’m going to let this setback thwart my efforts! It is just painfully obvious when looking at the 1 and 2 bedroom apartments down there that the city doesn’t lend itself to “Couples with Kids Newbies“. And I also came to the realization that its hard on my wife to be away from her and the kids for so long. Hard on me, too. It’s getting a little late in the summer campaign to start a new job down there with no place to stay. We broke the bank getting me down there for this last attempt. It ended up putting us BEHIND. We just wanted to believe that it was going to work for us. . .JUST ONCE.

I want to show the people down there that I’ve got WHAT IT TAKES and believe me. . .I DO! So here’s where YOU GUYS come in. . .Ready?

I talked about this early on with this project(the blog). I know that there are a lot of sites out there that ask for donations. There are also a lot of Blogs out there that promise you something and don’t deliver. Where are your donations going? What are they for? I shared a story on Twitter a few days ago that an “Exotic Dancer” had a sick cat that needed an operation. Now, I don’t know if business was slow or she was just not real “in-demand”, but she ended up surpassing her goal by like $18,000. At last count, I think the tally for Michael’s funeral was just a tad higher. So where are our priorities as a society? I KNOW where mine are. I want to raise enough to make a real go of it in LA. I understand that some may think I haven’t paid my dues. But like I said, I’ve paid my dues and now it feels like I’m picking up someone else’s tab.

You won’t be throwing it away and I will continue to blog regardless. I just thought . . .What the Heck? My wife and kids have never really seen me “in action” creatively. The proceeds would go towards housing, travel expenses, food, etc. On MY side they would also go towards procuring an agent, paying off debt and continuing my Art and Writing Pursuits. So I will begin adding a new PayPal button at the bottom of each blog. If you find it in your hearts to give to “The Cause”, GREAT. If Not, I’ll keep pluggin’ away as always and will keep you posted. Remember to vote and as always . . .Go Figg’r!

Be Back with the funny soon. . .

Peace Out- Later

D A N

Go Figg’r by Dan Freeburg is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at gofiggr.blogspot.com.

The Master of Verbal Sock-Puppetry: A Return To Basics

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on July 17, 2009 by danof89

I’m often reminded how quickly fortunes can change, my true “Hangers-on of Unremitting Optimism”. I see it every day in movies on Lifetime and ABC Family. (Although ABC, should seriously consider removal of the term Family from their sobriquet). At last count, we were allowing our children to view approximately 2 shows airing on this channel without blindfolds, earplugs or constant adult supervision. I believe they are Full House Marathons and America’s Funniest Videos reruns.(The ones with Bob Saget not Arsenio). You know, I tried sitting through a Saget stand-up special once and he tried to be ‘Raw’. I found the whole thing quite embarrassing and I was just watching it. It was kind of like watching “Mr. Rogers Does the Neighborhood”. . .

But back to the topic. How fortunes can change. No not mine. Like I said I watch a lot of TV. Seems I have a plethora of time since ending my reign as TOUR BUS GUIDE TO THE STARS! (I promise to stop using that title when I relinquish my crown to MS. DENMARK, during sweeps week) Although as I explained before, the “Twisted Swiss-ter“, I was working for was hesitant to cut-me-loose in LA, because I wasn’t “from there”. Well sind ich total von Basis hier, but none of the people working for him are “from there“. It is a shmorgazbord of intercontinental flavors. (And a Melting Pot of Mediocrity) So me handing over my distinction to the lovely lady from Denmark should be a fairly seemless transition. I wasn’t from LA. . .Big difference. However, I studied the highways and streets, the homes and histories of every nook and cranny of The City of Angels and was never tested in the field. There are things I know about CELEBRITIES and their lives, their places of residence and their personal grooming habits that no earthly person should need or want to know! But, it’s water under the bridge and as soon as I get my final check (good luck), I will harbor him no ill will.

In fact, if I may get REAL for a moment (as if I have anything to lose from not being REAL to begin with), I was growing a tad weary of the way that CELEBRITIES and THE WEALTHY were viewing me as a Working Class Stiff and Commoner trampling on their hallowed ground. As if I, while driving through their pristinely manicured and landscaped vicinages, might inexplicably fart or belch and bring upon it, the 7 Plagues. (I’ll clue you folks in. . . I think the 7 Plagues have already manifested themselves and beaten me to the punch) I think the level of utter “snobbery” was best exemplified when; while driving home from work (ahem) on the 405 (Satan’s personal slip-n-slide), I found myself in a bit of a post-vocational excursion (5 PM traffic jam). As I ate my lunch for the day (a Slim Jim) and watched motorists around me engaging in various forms of illegal, or at the very least, questionable activities; I glanced ahead to the moron driving directly in front of me. As she was driving, I noticed that she was applying what appeared to be makeup, while talking on a cell phone and drinking a beverage from a straw. All the while she appeared to be fumbling for some sort of paperwork that was either in the passenger seat or in the trunk of her automobile.

Now in this woman’s defense, and as a fair-minded seeker of the best qualities in all of us, the only illegal activity she was participating in was in her use of the cell phone while driving. This was a law recently enacted, in California, as of July 1st and strictly enforced by those sworn To Protect and To Serve. In other words, no one adheres to it and the only cops busting anyone are A) Really bored or B) wasting all of our time. Don’t get me wrong I think the law is an Outstanding one. I personally don’t like cell phones and wonder “Who in the hell all these people are talking to and why can’t it wait ’til they get home?”

All Seriousness Aside,

I noticed something else occurring with this woman’s vehicle. Every time she applied her brake, her rear lamp would not illuminate. (her brake light was out) Being the Good Samaritan that I am, I felt the need to point this out to the woman. When it was safe to do so, I jockied into position and FORCED my minivan alongside her car to inform her of her potential pickle. I casually rolled down my passenger window and glanced over towards her. After enough periphaphobia had set in and she could tear herself away from her own reflection in her rear view, she looked my way. I smiled and told her to roll her window down. She obliged. I began to tell her of the car’s mechanical defect. No sooner had I begun the sentence, than she hoisted her middle finger in a defiant and semi-crazed manner. So I shot her in the face. (Just kidding. Wow. . .touchy, but I had you though)

No, instead I let her regain her dominant position (In the Pace Car of Life), and move in front of me again. I truly hope this woman got home safely, without incident and without a traffic citation. That’s just the kind of guy I am and you know why? I left out a part earlier in the story about what made me notice the car to begin with. Now I’m not a big “Vanity Plate” fan. In fact I think the concept should be outlawed. Special license plates for vehicles should only be issued to the disabled and people that are talking on cell phones while driving. It would make it a lot easier on the rest of us. We wouldn’t have to figure out what they are trying to SPELL cleverly or who these people think they are? Anyway, this woman in the car ahead of me had a Vanity Plate. For fear of embarrassing this gal (assuming she or someone she knows can read), I won’t divulge what it said. But the best part was that she also had a license plate frame. I love those almost as much as Vanity Plates so this was a double whammy. The frame denoted her school (or her significant others, this is California) and the profession/major from which they graduated. It read: UCLA ENGINEERING (proudly). And why not? UCLA is one of the finest institutions in these United States and I hear their Engineering program is also at the top of many potential employers lists for Must Have Prospective Employees.

Now to me, the kicker was this woman, who so casually showed me that she was “Number One”,with an alternate digit, was driving a piece of crap Old Toyota Camry. This woman who had the audacity to be so pretentious when I was trying to “do her a solid”, graduated from (or at least was close enough to someone) who graduated from such a stellar Engineering Program, yet she was peddling around the Flinstonemobile. The best part was this. Yeah, there’s a BEST part. Her bumper sticker (a whole other blog) read: My Other Car’s a Schwinn. Well, I’ll be deep-fried in dog crap! So is Mine! Small World isn’t it?

So maybe all of the people in LA are ready for me. I’m equal parts optimism and cynicism and I’m ready to Break it Huge. I told those of you that read this regularly (or irregularly) that I would include “The Pitch” for the characters I included a few entries back and I will. I’m not fearful like I was a few months ago about releasing stuff to the public before I have agent representation. If I see any of my stuff before I release it, I can sue like a Jackson Family Attorney! (too soon?)

Anyway, like I said I want to see what you guys think first. I will do it in the next couple days. Keep in mind I’m somewhat of a novice. But, I think sometimes the public has a better imagination than those pumping this stuff out. Which unfortunately, is how I see the state of Animated Feature Films today. But again, that’s for another entry.

Remember, if you like what I do, feel free to contribute to “The Cause”. Go back and read some of my older stuff to catch up. It’s irreverent but not irrelevant. I didn’t learn much from MJ’s funeral. Like, “Get the Money Before Giving Them The Show”. But I just want some honest feedback. And if ANYONE KNOWS ANYONE that can help this weary traveler, for God’s sake, let us know! Your support is appreciated and we still need to come up with rent for this month. Did I mention I have kids? (yes, I’m trying to find a summer job)

DISCLAIMER: BOB SAGET APPROVED THIS MESSAGE

‘Til Then. . .Go Figg’r!

Peace Out – Later

D A N

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Go Figg’r by Dan Freeburg is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at gofiggr.blogspot.com.

Excuse the Mess, I Thought I Signed up for a Tamagachi

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on July 19, 2009 by danof89

zkrytdjhb7 Sorry Guys. This is just a test to see if I can get on Technorati.

I’ll be blogging this evening. Please forgive the “mess”. Trying to “dress”

this thing up a scoatch. But like they say, you can’t polish a

“turd”.

Back in a bit

D A N

I’m Feelin’ Froggy…Bundt Cake Anyone?

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on July 19, 2009 by danof89

I Love the “Urban Dictionary”. It has been a valuable and steadfast ally in my fight against the Establishment. By that, I refer to anyone or anything that deems itself superior to me in any way,and as a result treats me, or those I Love, like complete “donkey excrement”, right under our noses and behind our backs! Very Contortionistic… that Establishment. Whenever I find it necessary to dole out a verbal tongue-lashing that those in the Establishment have coming, I can always rely on this handy reference to give me material that will leave them scratching their heads and allow me to carry on about my business, unfettered and “BUTTMUNCH-FREE” .

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing I enjoy more than proving my vast superior intellect to the Upper Crust, than by stumping and affronting them in the traditional manner. But if I can insult them with language from the “hood”, all the better. (Let me state at the onset that I am about as white in terms of “urban” as Edgar Winter attending a Knicks game with Paul Ruebens). But I do enjoy a good-natured “ribbing” with the help of some slang. If I can find access to those same “barbs” in Spanish. . .Oh man, then you’ve got Insolent Gold.(insolente oro) Unfortunately, I don’t have a “pocket version” of this handy reference readily available and since I left my former post as. . . (I won’t say it -you’re welcome), I haven’t been hanging out with my Latino brethren so much. So I can’t tell people what they can do with “la madre detras de las siete once“.

Therefore, I’ve found this little project, at times, a good outlet for airing some grievances about those that, would see my hopes and dreams dashed into a million little bite-sized,heart-shaped pieces that they would devour in front of my family and friends, all the while laughing and pointing, taunting and telling them all how much they would rue the day they’d ever placed any faith in me. . .

All Seriousness Aside,

Rather than do parlor tricks for the ELITE, I’ve chosen to try to entertain those of you that can appreciate the struggle. The journey has begun. . .It actually started when I was about 4 and told my folks that I wanted to move to Hollywood. I would put on the plays and MAKE my family participate. I was the class clown. Dad was a preacher, so we moved around a lot. It was like being an Army Brat and I tried to use everything in my arsenal to make friends so that the Bullies (the kid ESTABLISHMENT) wouldn’t kick my ass. As often as I moved around in my childhood, my folks should have just sent me to school in a suit of armor with a note for the teacher. I was a punching bag throughout most of my elementary career.

And you know something about the Education System in the 70’s and 80’s in this country? They didn’t give a hoot about the down-trodden, unpopular or oppressed. Hell, MOST of the bullies were in SPORTS and had the administration so far in their hip pockets, that the coach’s family photos were kept by the 6 year old hard-as-a-rock condoms they’d been carrying around since 3rd grade in their velcro wallets right by their student ID’s and the folded-up report that I wrote for them so they wouldn’t pound me and got an “A” so they could go out for track in the Spring. I eventually beat the Ever-Living Tar out of one of them (when I grew a set) in 10th grade, avoiding years of therapy. But as you can still see, I carry minor baggage. (Danny Cate is a douchebag! okay,I’m done) That’s another story, for another day. My kids tell me not a lot has changed. Whew, THAT’S Comforting!

Back To Topic. . .

Actually, when I was trying to think of a topic for the entry today, I had a lot on my mind. . . as usual. I’ve been keyed up for something all day, but didn’t know how to express it and I really had no idea why I was so jacked up. Maybe, it’s got something to do with the heat. I’m not exactly tolerant of a whole lot, when I can’t close my eyes to rest – for fear my eyelids will melt to my eyeballs, rendering me blind and extremely irritable. Maybe it’s because I’m a couple days away from the end of July and haven’t paid the Rent for the month. Maybe it’s because I’ve been looking for work, with none in sight until my job as PUBLIC SCHOOL BUS DRIVER FOR KIDS! starts up again in September.

Whatever it was I needed a word that would accurately describe how I felt for the day. Was it trepidatious? No. Squirrely? Kind of, but not quite. Scared Out of My Gourd? Too wordy. . .

So what’s a guy to do? Can’t very well ENTERTAIN THE TROOPS without any sort of direction or theme. No agenda or initiative in mind. And to top it all off, I feel so . . .”Froggy”! Yeah, I think that fits. So I looked up the definition in the “Urban Dictionary”. I DO research things ya’ know!? I’m not a COMPLETE “Fountain of Misinformation“! I wanted to make sure that I wasn’t letting anyone down as their “MASTER OF VERBAL SOCK-PUPPETRY”.

Now I offer you what I found DIRECTLY FROM THE SOURCE – “THE URBAN DICTIONARY”:

Froggy:

To Be jumpy or anxious to do something. Most commonly it refers to situations involving fighting or violence, but it can also refer to any situation involving someone anxiously wanting to do something.

Examples:

Johnny was feeling froggy, so he drove to the city to find something to do.

Tyrone was feeling froggy, so he jacked Jamal in his ugly face.

Now, I don’t know Tyrone or Jamal, but that mood seems to fit me to a “T”. I’m a pretty passive guy and generally don’t feel this way; but I can honestly say that if a Rich Butt-Munch, Football Coach or Danny Cate were to walk in right now, I’d slap the ugly off their faces! (golpee la cara fea fuera de su).

So my True Blue Fans and loyal followers(mom), I wish you a very good evening and a pleasant tomorrow. I am going to go try and see if I can find the movie “Falling Down” on HULU! Feel Free to Donate to “The CAUSE” we need it!

“The Pitch” is coming soon.

’til then…Go Figg’r!

Peace Out- Later

D A N

Go Figg’r by Dan Freeburg is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at gofiggr.blogspot.com.

At What Point Does Ones Feces, No Longer Retain Its Malodorous Properties?

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on July 20, 2009 by danof89

YOU know them. . . I, certainly know them. The chosen few whose inner-workings and digestive tracts have undergone some sort of metabolic and extraordinary transformation. Enabling them, the ABILITY, nay I say, the POWER to walk amongst the rest of us as true “Gastrointestinal Gordian Knots“. I, of course, am being a tad bit fecicious (check the root word and double check the spelling). The people,to whom I am referring are those that would not give the normal person the time of day. Those that would just as soon walk by you on the street,if you were engulfed in flames, than take the time to urinate on you and extinguish the blaze (or at the very least, give the homeless man lying next to you a 5 spot to do the honors). Those so unaffected by what’s really going on in this world and with their noses so far in the air, that even God has to sidestep them while playing Lawn Darts. Are we all on the same page? I’ll give those of you that came in late, a second to take your seats . . .Good.

Now, I’m not one to RANT, in fact I HATE that word! Ironic, huh? I used to utilize that word quite often when describing this little undertaking. But as this thing has steadily devolved, I see it taking on a more eruditory tone. I’m not one to harangue for the sake of haranguing. I’d like to extoll some virtues and impart some wisdom. I may not KNOW IT ALL, as my marquee advertises, but I’m learning. . . and I like to share. Even a bucket of piss on a combustible comrad. (Here you go buddy, I think you need this more than I do). I’ve had the last few days, since ending my last gig, to catch up a little on what is out there in CyberSpace. What others have to offer, in the way of BLOGS. I’ve got to acknowledge that there are a lot of GOOD ones out there. There are a lot of FANCY ones out there. There are some very PROFESSIONAL ones, that offer all the bells and whistles, that I couldn’t begin to come close to in terms of sheer production value,without help from either of my teenage sons or my 4 year old daughter. (My other daughter likes Club Penguin and there’s nothing wrong with that). So where does that leave yours truly? I guess as YOURS . . .TRULY.

I’ve been asked, of late, who my influences are. On What? I’m never really sure how to approach answering that question, as I’m not really anybody of note. As a writer, I guess I’d say Dave Barry and Stephen King. Kind of a weird combo for someone wanting to write a FULL LENGTH ANIMATED FEATURE FILM, heh? As an artist, I guess it would have to be Terry Redlin and Mort Drucker. I was turned down by Mort’s agency because “. . .my style was too in line with artists they already had in their stable”.Blah Blah. As a politician, Strom Thurmond comes to mind and as a magician slash illusionist, I’d have to give it up for Doug Henning. (I told you I didn’t know how to approach the answer)

As far as what I have to offer, for the donations that I have been asking for. . .It would again have to be a resounding YOURS . . .TRULY. Maybe not today. . .Maybe not tomorrow. . .But in the Very Near Future, I want to parlay the “earnings” and take my show on the road. I understand that EVERYTHING doesn’t happen in Hollywood, but that would be a PRIME CENTER FOR OPERATIONS. I’ve not seen one nickel since starting this little FUND RAISING CAMPAIGN. My little “GO FIGG’R Telethon“. I don’t have the means or technical wherewithal to make this blog “POP”. If any of you follow me on Twitter, you know that things are actually looking a little bleak for me and my crew. But I am trying to provide you with . . .the Funny.

I hope that you enjoy my ramblings, observations and have enjoyed THE JOURNEY,thus far.

As you may (or may not) have noticed; over the last few entries, I’ve included 3 more pictures of Cartoon creations. (I also don’t like that term, it seems to demean the creative process) Nevertheless, they are the delineated manifestations of my kids in a SECOND STORY I have yet to find a “home” for. At the top of this you will see the fourth and final installment and member of this posse. It’s my son “Jake”. Hope you like them all. The Story is solid. I just need a shot. I understand that I’m probably barking up the wrong tree and that ANYONE that could actually help me get somewhere probably doesn’t read something as lowly as this, but I am a sucker for happy endings! That’s playing Devil’s and several “Tweeps” Advocate. I NEED YOU ALL!

For the rest of you. . .I’ll still be here as long as I can keep them from shutting off the internet and phone. I’m looking for work every day, but no one wants to hire me knowing I start driving again in September. I take the time to do this because it’s better than drinking and I want to make my wife and kids proud.

One More Thing,

For those of you that Believe in Me or SEE something in what you READ or in MY WORK, Let someone else know. Get out the Word. I promise not to make this thing about me ALL THE TIME. But, I am pretty interesting and like I’ve said so many times. . .This would make a great story. . . A Success Story! I promise My Poo WILL ALWAYS STINK! No Matter How Big I Get!

Thanks Guys! Give Generously! (unless you’re the homeless guy waiting on the 5 spot)

’til then. . .Go Figg’r!

Peace Out – Later

D A N

Go Figg’r by Dan Freeburg is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at gofiggr.blogspot.com.
KudoSurf Me!

A REAL “SON OF A PITCH”…AND THIS BETTER BE!

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on July 22, 2009 by danof89

I’ve been promising it. . .I’ve been building it up in your minds. . .I’ve been intimating that this might quite possibly be THE NEXT BIG THING! to come down the “Childrens’ Entertainment Turnpike“, since Monsters Inc.,Toy Story(the first one) and Wall-E! (? Sorry, running out of legitimate qualifiers) So WHY in HEAVEN’S NAME would I just Fork It Over to the public with not so much as a Gentleman’s Handshake to bind you all to fund such an Ambitious Enterprise? Because,I’m desperate my friends and Desperate Times Call For . . .(you know). Plus, I’ve got a dozen of these in my head, so what’s one sacrifice for the greater good? Just kidding. I’ve only got like 5. I just REALLY need someone to sit up and take notice and I’m “running out of time“. No, I’m not dying. But I might as well be, if I don’t start getting some results from this little project.(the blog)

My wife never reads this. I think its kind of the whole “Why Buy The Milk? thing”. She figures, she gets enough of me at home, why would she want to read about my thoughts when she doesn’t even enjoy hearing them?I also promised to never write anything to embarrass my family (my 18 year old does read this) Yes, I will get around to “THE PITCH”, but please allow me a second to do my tangent thingy. Dang! The world is so wrapped up into INSTANT GRATIFICATION nowadays, they don’t like to wait for the payoff. Kind of sad, really . . .

Where was I? Oh Yeah! The Money Shot! Well, since we’re on the subject and I have your attention (or DID -sorry), I want to fill you in on a little back story. Just so I can give you the goods and know while you read it, that you know where it’s coming from and what my intentions are. (a little cleansing of the palette) I may go a little “Tree-Topper”(I wrote that last month-Actually, last December) on you, but here goes. . .

Last year (Good Friday to be exact) I did something that would forever change the face and dynamic of my family. I quit drinking. I hope that by sharing this, I don’t lose any fans. But, if I do . . .Well then, I guess it’s their loss. I’m not gonna’ get preachy, that was my Dad’s Job.(and he was great at it) On February 29th, (It was a leap year last year), I was diagnosed with pancreatitis due to years of excessive abuse I had inflicted on myself because of years of binge drinking. They found 2 HUGE holes in my stomach and because of my vitals,said I was near perfect stroke conditions. The doctors said that if I hadn’t come in when I did, I probably would have seized and died.

Now while I lay in the emergency room alone, my wife was in an emergency room 50 miles away. Her dad, just 53 years old, lay on a hospital table in critical condition. The victim of the last stages of colon cancer. He had been found at home unconscious and unresponsive. She called me the following morning to give me the news that he had passed. He had been a wonderful father-in-law and friend. It has been Far from the Same, without him here. Shortly after he passed,while comforting my wife, she asked me to Never Leave Her. It took some doing, but on Good Friday (nearly 2 months later) I gave up the bottle.

I should have given it up years before. By all accounts, I had been slowly destroying myself and the lives of those around me, for years. I had never been one for the HARD STUFF. It was always beer and that’s all it really needed to be to do the damage. It’s taken me over a year to try and rebuild the trust with my family (still working on it). I was never a practicing alcoholic! Hell, I didn’t have to practice at all. I PERFECTED it! Someone forgot to tell me, in my 20’s that the Party was Over, Bro! The biggest realization was that although I was a high-functioning drunk, I’d missed out a lot on my kids growing up. That, I can never get back. But I’m trying desperately to make up for wasted years and lost opportunities. A lot of comedians and artists draw from their experiences to produce their art. Some of the best dramatic artists started out as comedians. (Robin Williams comes to mind and even Jim Carrey, if you’ve seen The Majestic) I’m not going to include Howie Mandel for St. Elsewhere, because he won’t return my daughter’s “Tweets”.(joke)

Now for those of you still reading, that wonder why I shared this with you, I’ll let you know. No, it wasn’t very cathartic. I’ve been to shrinks and have been in treatment before. It’s not for pity. I don’t feel sorry for myself or expect anyone else to either. A lot of really good people have been through a lot worse things than me or my family. But, I’m trying to provide them with something that they deserve. That we all deserve. A real shot at HAPPINESS in this world. I just think that my talents (if you can call them that) are our best opportunity to reach that goal. I joke a lot about having a private island and about being a CELEBRITY. We’d settle for a decent place to stay and a sense of security. Times ARE tough. There’s no skirting the issue. This little blog has been the only creative outlet I’ve had in the last couple months. I enjoy it and I enjoy you reading it.

For those of you that DO read this regularly, you know that I tried to work out a commute to LA to be the TOUR BUS GUIDE TO THE STARS!, only to realize that effort was futile. I DO still intend to make LA my prison-bitch (sorry,mom) But right now I think that survival is a priority. I went to Santa Monica today to collect my final check and the MONSTER I had been working for wasn’t there. He’d left me an envelope with $178 in it. He had taken the gas money he’d been helping me with out of it and also didn’t pay my cellphone bill that I’d only used for making business calls.

So why did I tell you all this and potentially embarrass my 18 year old? (sorry,bro) To let you know that even people that zigged when they should have zagged, deserve a shot at redemption.(Look at Robert Downey Jr. and a whole host of others-well, most of them end up screwing the pooch again) But I’ve got a lot more to lose. AND I told my wife I’d never be that guy again. I haven’t and I won’t.

I don’t have Sally Strothers or any semi-CELEBRITY backing. It’s just me. I may have alienated myself from a whole bunch of folks by spilling some of my story, but I think you should get your money’s worth. (wink-wink)

“The Fly-By Knights” There’s a small orange orchard nestled discretely in a small corner of Northwest Florida. The farm is inhabited by a rag-tag motley collection of birds. These classic-underachievers all aspire to bigger and better things. They are sub-contracted by a parcel delivery service, headed by a stern and underhanded Eagle,named “Sal”, and his 2 “Crow-nies” (crows – “Ace and Deuce”). Our beleaguered bunch use the orchard’s crop duster (at night) to make deliveries. Short local runs around the Southeast. Sal decides to “downsize” and pulls their contract, calling them a “fly-by night” operation and leaving them jobless. Because of the competition from bigger companies all seems lost for our friends. Delivery comes to a halt and their base of operations (the orchard’s hangar) is stripped (by Sal and the crows) of all packages, SAVE ONE. Left behind, among the old orange crates, is found a package marked “TOP SECRET”. Its address. . .the White House. Thinking this their last chance to save their business, our crew decides to make the special delivery themselves. They must fly their broken down plane,against the odds. A rough Everglades,an impending Hurricane,a meddling former-boss Sal,who puts them in further peril when he notifies the military and the President of a rogue plane heading for Washington. Not wanting to look like he dropped the ball, by non-delivery, Sal makes it look like the crop duster has less than good intentions. The military steps up security.(raises the threat level) The nation watches as our heroes unwittingly become news on every major syndicate. Outsmarting everyone and with some nifty flying the Knights make the delivery. Sal is exposed and fired, the country is safe and the President receives the package. . . postmarked for last Christmas.(It’s July). He opens it to find his Grandmother’s Homemade Fruitcake. Oh yeah, so impressed by their bravery and dedication the President names the Knights the new “Ministers of Defense”.

Well, probably didn’t live up to the hype, but then again, what does? Brock Lesner? New Coke?the XFL?. . .Sanitary Napkins? Like I said it is one of at least 5 or possibly 6. I still haven’t shared the story for the one involving my kids. (The pics in the last 4 entries) It’s called “The Willie’s” tentatively. For those of you who are saying, “Don’t Quit Your Day Job!” . . .Well, I don’t have one again until September, when I get to haul High School Students around.

In the meantime, I KNOW it’s hard on the regular folk out there, but if you could find it in your heart to turn a RICH FRIEND or RELATIVE onto me and “THE CAUSE”, it’d be wonderful. The PayPal button DOES work. It’s SECURE and DISCREET (unlike yours truly). I’ll be praying to hear from you soon! (from the computer at the library-I’m SO not joking) and I KNOW I’m insane to do this on a weekday at the end of the month,but I’ve never had the best timing.(only the best comedic timing)

Until then – - Go Figg’r!

Peace Out – Hopefully not TOO much Later

D A N

Can I Pour You A Glass of Levity? If NOT, I’m Polishing This Bad Boy Off!

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on July 24, 2009 by danof89

Just finished off a bottle of Scotch, I’d been keeping in the toilet tank for a special occasion. I’d like to thank the folks from AA (who wish to remain Anonymous) the people who offered me Dr. Drew’s personal home phone number (and the guy who offered me Rachel McAdams’ -why? I have no idea) and for all the Tweets, emails and Well Wishes! In all actuality, I have not had any mood or mind-altering substances (we can’t afford any) and I am doing okay considering the circumstances. I was trying to share a story of loss to illustrate a point and give you some insight into the motivations of The Master of Verbal Sock-Puppetry! I wanted to offer hope to those that might otherwise not see the SILVER LINING. SO, in the interest of lightening the mood around here, I’d like to practice an exercise in Levity.

A substantive donation was made on my behalf to, at the very least, keeping the gears turnin’ around here at the offices of GO FIGG’R. (offices being: me seated at the side of our bed at a computer desk purchased in the late 90’s at Walmart). So we’ve established that you were not witnessing a “Train-Wreck of Mammoth Proportions”. In fact, the last few days have offered you a glimpse into: “BIZARRO GO FIGG’R”! The alternate plane of existence that I, and my family live in when we are dirt-ass poor! Which is usually at least 7 to 11 and a half months out of the year.(excluding tax refund time, when we live “high on the hog” for a good week and a half – ahhh,what a glorious time) So, Thank you and I promise to have the coffee going an hour before our next meeting and have all the ashtrays cleaned and emptied. Kidding. Like they would ever give me money. . .again!

You Know who you are!

No, in this “My Quest for CELEBRITY, there will be No MELTDOWN ala Britney Spears. No BROKEN SPIRIT ala Mickey Rourke. No CAREER SUICIDE ala Michael Richards. Although, with the exception of Kramer, those other two have bounced back rather well. I am kid-tested and mother-approved. (Mother-in Law? Well, lets just say that’s a work in progress-it’s hopeless-that woman would’ve made Mandela crack) I had my meltdown a LONG time ago. So I guess I’ve got that going for me. Hollywood, and people as a whole, are very forgiving. I applaud those, in the public eye and under such close media scrutiny, who in the face of the blinding spotlight, can keep it together and trudge ahead. . . Warriors with only one purpose: To Entertain the Masses and Provide us All with Nothing but Unending Joy and Countless Instances of Nirvana that Could Only be Surpassed by the Birth of a Child to Whom We Could Shower Adoration and Proclaim to be the One and Only Chosen One. So yeah, Kudos to them for. . . DOING THEIR JOBS

Oh yeah . . .Levity

Anyway, we’ll be fine. It recently came to my attention via my Yahoo inbox, that I have been given fairly sizable and very special PUBLISHERS CLEARING HOUSE PRIVELAGES! They don’t just give those to anybody, you know! Anyway, at the End of Next Week, when I’m done filling out their online surveys and limited time offers which require absolutely No Purchase for Eligibility, I will probably be sitting pretty. At the very least, I believe I will be the proud owner of a Chia Head and probably be eligible for a $500 Starbucks giftcard. (If I can just figure out if I want more information on ways to continue my education or reduce my mortgage payment-even though we Rent) But, we should be straight and thanks for your concern. The underwhelming response has been staggering.

The original inspiration of this little side project( the blog), as some of you know, was the little indie documentary film, “My Date With Drew”. I DO have original ideas, but I thought the premise was spectacular. In fact, I wanted to “One Up” that guy, by trying to build a groundswell of support and somehow miraculously schedule and participate in a “SIT DOWN WITH SPIELBERG“. Since, he’d directed Drew in “E.T. The Extra Terrestrial”, I thought it might even be the best logical choice for a Sequel(to the date thing not E.T.). As you may have surmised , this idea has not even seen the light of day. No “One Upsmanship” and No “Groundswell”. However, I am happy to report there has been a recent surge on the “Support” front. (A big HELLO to my friends from Italy and Brussels!) I think I actually met these folks when I was a tour bus guide. (that looks so much less significant in regular typeface)

As far as “The Pitch”. I hope you enjoyed it. I understand that, like this blog, it wasn’t really flashy in its presentation. Amateurish? Okay. I can accept that. I don’t claim to be a 3D artist. In essence I’m a glorified storyboard artist. But even they have a much better grasp of 3D software and design than I do. If people even say Flash, I still think of a Polaroid. As a writer, I do think I am superlative! (Even if I do say so myself and oft’ times I do) Its in the combination of the two that I am trying to make an impact. Conveying the idea in a contrite and concise manner, that anyone can envision and better yet. . .Pay to See! Maybe I can’t sell ANYTHING, but I sold you on reading this . . .Didn’t I?

I’m already hard at work on the next one of these. It typically takes me a day or two to work one up and a few hours to write one. (Stop laughing) I’ve been FIELDING offers from the Midwest (get it fielding?) Shouldn’t have to explain it, but with the addition of our friends abroad . . .(and HELLOOOOO, Zimbabwe!) Being a Midwest transplant living in the most Midwestern Town in California (Bakersfield-just a stone’s throw from LA) I thought I might intoduce the subject of Neighbors and Neighborhoods. If anyone has any ideas, feel free to e-mail,Tweet or whatever. Just stop showing up at 3AM, my NEIGHBORS are getting pissed.

Until next time, Feel Free to give to “The Cause”. If I could figure out a goal-meter I’d put one up, but since it’s been sitting on zero for a couple weeks I don’t see its necessity. I’ll be happy to introduce one, once business picks up.

Until then. . .Go Figg’r!

Peace Out-Later

D A N

Go Figg’r by Dan Freeburg is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at gofiggr.blogspot.com.

“Celebra-Hoods” Impede Traffic, Leading to at Least One “Casualty”. . .Says, Nancy Grace

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on July 25, 2009 by danof89

Before I get lambasted or the Neurotic, Fidgety Blonde Box of Tacks decides to throw together some sort of lawsuit against me. . .let me explain. I write satyrical prose. I should probably do that “Ripped from the Headlines” hook or offer up a disclaimer that proceeds an entry of this “Award-Winning and Highly Addictive and Entertaining Rhetorical Romp“. BUT, I DON’T and the chances of someone of her profile or stature reading this gem are virtually non-existent.

Attention:

Any similarity to people living or dead or places real or imagined is SO VERY INTENTIONAL, that it will make your gums bleed! (ya’ know, ’cause it’s such a biting commentary-nevermind) See, it just doesn’t seem to work for me.

Anyway, I think all there has to be in an article to make it an Untouchable First-Amendment Strongbox is a smidgen of truth. And of all people Nancy Grace should know this. Although, I hear she’s about as sharp as a marble. (Just saying!) Isn’t she like a Legal Analyst, kind of like Marsha Clarke? Yeah, I’m not even touching that one. There WAS a “casualty” that can be directly correlated to the rubbernecking going on in “Snooty-Town” (CELEBRITY neighborhoods) I’ve been over this and am not typically one to rehash or cry over spilled milk (unless its the last of it and I really wanted some Honey Bunches of O’s) But I am no longer the TOUR BUS GUIDE TO THE STARS! I have been replaced, I’m sure by either a trained monkey or another aspiring Writer/Artist and Soon To Be EPIC In The Minds of All But a Few . . .TRUE RENAISSANCE OVERLORD! But they probably just hired another Czechoslovakian, who speaks in such a thick accent you can’t tell if it’s Schwartzenegger’s House or he’s saying, “he forgot where his turn was”.

All Seriousness Aside,

I brought up NEIGHBORHOODS, because I can honestly say that I don’t know if they even exist anymore. I brought up my recent occupation, because it: a) makes me seem more interesting and b) adds a little merit to my claim that I am a true expert on this subject. Granted that I’m only speaking for the United States West of the Mississippi. But I’ve been to the East coast via station wagon during the Reagan Era, and I could see signs even then of a diminishing Neighborhood-Friendly Society. Add to that the fact that I have moved quite frequently through the course of my 38 years on this planet, and I think you’ve found your foremost authority. . .Well, I’m here. . .and You’re here. So humor me, won’t you?

I LONG for the days of old! When we (as children) were able to stay out past dark on a school night, without fear of being accosted or being labeled hooligans (yeah I’m 38-I can say that) When groups of kids would travel in little packs and have all sorts of little adventures together (like syphoning gas from their neighbors cars or vandalizing the principal of their school’s house with rotten trash and toilet paper-that’s what I heard they used to be able to do) Now that I think of it I was a hooligan. But I think that you get the direction I was headed with this. I remember being able to dress up in my “Ponch” outfit from “CHIPS” one time (I must have been around 6) when we lived in Sioux City, Iowa and I was able to walk out into a busy intersection across the street from a bustling Hospital. Cars whizzing by me at tremendously dangerous and high rates of speed. There, I set up shop and began my civic duty. . . DIRECTING Traffic. What a Hoot my parents had when the officer kindly walked me back home and told them of the merriment that had ensued! (pure hilarity followed when my dad introduced my butt to a Hot Wheels track-Whatever, happened to those things? They really got a point across–Good! Corporal punishment nay-sayers? Let me avoid any legal entanglements by stating, for the record, I don’t spank my kids-my wife doesn’t even let me look at them funny!) But as children then, we were afforded some basic liberties that today’s kids are not. That’s an out and out shame. Don’t our children have the right to have a childhood like those fun-loving boys in the Classic Theatrical Film, Stand By Me? (I mean minus the dead body?)

But that’s why that movie scored so Huge, and resonates to this day. It was a simpler time back then. There wasn’t all of this crime and evil going on. We could let our kids go out to play and tell them to be home by supper (sorry dinner – it’s a midwest thing) then turn them loose again to play until dark. What happened to that? What happened to us? There are a lot of movies out there with that feel to them. Too many for me to list, but they all usually do really well. Besides, I’m the guy that said I want to start a Movie Review Column, without actually watching the movies. (Still don’t see the point with so many stinkers out there and I do know the actors’ limitations-we all do, c’mon!) But it’s because we want that again for ourselves. We want that for our kids. Don’t think we’ll ever get that back. Too much has changed.

So, where does that leave us, huh? Well it leaves me with somewhat of a dilemma. You see I’ve got kids to think about on my EPIC JOURNEY towards CELEBRITY! When I started the journey, I was a single guy from the midwest, thinkin’ just living in California would be my meal ticket. I thought through sheer OSMOSIS, I would somehow become the CELEBRITY I’d dreamt of becoming since my days of throwing eggs at my principal’s 3 bedroom split-level. Little did I know then, that one day I’d make it here! (Looking for a 3 bedroom split-level) But priorities shift and so do the times. I want a place where my kids can feel what I did as a youth. I want a NEIGHBORHOOD. I’ve been entertaining the thought of moving my wife and kids back to the Midwest, in hopes that some remnants of that kind of life still exist, but I don’t know. I still feel like I came out here with a mission to accomplish and I haven’t “Arrived” yet. Maybe I won’t, but it won’t be for a lack of trying.

I was going to share some funny stories about the city in which I now reside. . .Bakersfield, California. But that, my friends, is a blog entity the likes of which, no one has yet seen. You could fill endless pages about the happenings here. The constant run-ins with the Intellectually Challenged of this fine community. The never-ending displays of “Toothless Aggression” and “Social Retardation” that permeate from every pore of this Living, Breathing, Soul-Destroying Mecca of Moronity. Some would say, “Why don’t you just move?”. I would say, “I’m trying brother. . .I’m really trying”. If I could just find the right NEIGHBORHOOD.

Keep Votin’, Tweet’n and Emails! (support’s been encouraging)

Give to “The Cause”

’til Then. . .Go Figg’r!

Peace Out-Later

D A N

Go Figg’r by Dan Freeburg is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at gofiggr.blogspot.com.

Shhh!. . .You Smell Somethin’?

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on July 30, 2009 by danof89

Our Nation was predicated on LIES. . .Excuse me? Did I just read that correctly? Well, I’m not exactly privy to the information kept in your sixth grade report cards, but I think I can safely assume that the words were construed correctly. Perhaps you would like me to elucidate. I have been asked to explain why I view myself as the “MASTER OF VERBAL SOCK-PUPPETRY!”. Those that have asked me to explain (elucidate), seem to be curious if my Ego hasn’t gotten the better of me by making such a bold statement. My EGO, for lack of a better term, should be as far removed from this self-proclaimed cognomen as humanly possible.

You see, in labeling myself the “MASTER OF VERBAL SOCK-PUPPETRY!”, I offered up a glimpse of the charming and whimsical attribute I carry with me every day. . .Self-Loathing. I was trying to think of a phrase that would best describe what it is that I have been doing for the bulk of my existence in an effort to Muddle Through or Get By in life. I have been able to conjure up a lifetime of experience by simply knowing how to LIE. Such an ugly word don’t you think?. . . and EXACTLY why I don’t use it. Nope, don’t like it and I never will. . .NO LIE! The “sock-puppetry” portion I added as a sort of down-playing tactic. I tried to think of the most benign and simplistic form of entertainment to counter the beginning portion-which seems like such a brash, impudent statement of ones self. In essence. . . I CAN DISH OUT THE B.S.! Which leads me back to the beginning of this little piece. The thing that made me sound like a communist or even worse. . .a Liberal.(heaven forbid)

Now living in the world I’ve chosen to, I’ve found a variety of ways to circumvent this ugly term. But for now, I’d like to share some of LIES’ History and a few examples of how it is taking place-Not only in Our Country. . .But Worldwide! I know this is a shocking Revelation and not for the timid, pregnant, Republican, CELEBRITIES or the WEALTHY.(do those last three qualify as the same thing? Heck all 5 and you’d have Sarah Palin’s daughter! – Hey, that was no where NEAR Letterman’s dig!)

But fair’s fair and I started this little party off with The United States of America. Okay, right there. . . Lie # 1. Now, I wasn’t around 233 years ago, but I don’t remember a time in this Nation’s history that we were exactly UNITED. I mean we kind of get together collectively at each others’ houses for the Olympics every 2 to 4 years or the Last Episode of Seinfeld and stuff, but by and large I’d say we, as a whole, ain’t really being truthful with our claim. . .Not exactly “Truth in Advertising” is it? If you want me to get into what we did to Native Americans and raping their land and leaving them with nothing but Casinos and Cigarette Shoppes, I could, but I think I’ll save that for another day. Anti-War Folks? Civil Rights Folks? Yeah, I think we could be here all day. As always . . . you guys are just gonna’ have to wait your turn. We should just call ourselves, “The Bunch of States That Gets Along for The Sake of the Kids” . . . No Lie!

If it would make you folks a little more comfortable I could use a different term. . . I DO. Told you, I don’t like that word. How about this one. . .seems to be real popular these days. . .Half-Truth! You gotta’ love that! I mean you’re not FLAT OUT lying. You’re giving them a little factual information. By all accounts you should be able to deliver this Half-Truth and be on your merry way, your conscience free from any petty guilt or undue anxiety. Oh, here’s another one you might find familiar. It is catching on a lot with those in Washington. It is called a Misrepresentation of the Facts. Yeah, Legal Eagles love this one too. Whether defending a client or covering their own tracks. You see, it doesn’t completely absolve one of wrong-doing or the “L-Word“(no Lie, not that show) but it leaves them enough wiggle room to neither be accountable for libel or slander. Awesome guys! Bravo! on making this an art form. I’m humbled for being in the presence of those that can make it look so effortless and still get $1000 an hour.

But I would be Derelict in My Duties were I not to at least briefly touch on our good friends . . .CELEBRITIES. Keep in mind that I want to BE ONE. However, I would like to state before this INVARIABLY OCCURS that I plan on being a different sort of CELEBRITY. (I’ll explain in a sec)

You see, as far as I can tell and with the limited exposure I’ve had to CELEBRITIES, it appears that their whole existence seems to be built around ONE BIG FAT STINKIN’. . .fib. Actually, all I can say that I see first-hand is an utter lack of touch with the common man. I mean sure. There are a few out there that donate their time to various charitable organizations or “get in the trenches” by adopting half of a Tribes Population as their kids (only to leave the rest of their village behind to languish), but c’mon! Do you think they honestly know what the price of toilet paper is? And isn’t having your kids raised by a Family from Ecuador who also clean your house, trim your hedges and prepare your food a little laxidasical in even being truthful with yourself? But, I could be wrong. Nah, who’re we kiddin’.

Whoa. . .think I may have stumbled onto something there. If you don’t mind I’d like to focus onmyself for just a moment. (Knew you wouldn’t) It just occured to me that I may have been MISREPRESENTING myself to my employers or worse yet, POTENTIAL employers. I think I’ve used yet another tried and true method of deception known simply as. . .Embellishment. Although, it’s not technically fraudulent, you could definitely say that I could turn a job as the “box boy at the local market” into. . .Corrugated Package Operator. Which, HONESTLY was my latest MATCH on HotJobs.com. NO LIE! (these are trying times) But I guess, maybe that isn’t SO bad. I mean EVERYONE does that. . .Right?(the embellishing thing, not boxing groceries) Which leads back to the final piece of the puzzle when you are the “MASTER OF VERBAL SOCK-PUPPETRY“ or even those who use a . . .”little white lie”. Rationalization. And my friends, THAT is the biggest con of all. If you can get yourself to start believing “that what you don’t know won’t hurt you” or “no. . . YOU don’t look fat in those pants“, you’re in trouble.

BUT there’s hope. . .and it’s ME! As long as I continue to be the “MASTER OF VERBAL SOCK-PUPPETRY!“ . . .you don’t have to! (it carries awesome responsibilities – Like Spiderman) And as long as I believe my own Hype (and I do),then you can count on me to bring you an unabashed and frank look at the world through the eyes of the One that Knows. . .It doesn’t have to all be a lie! Would I Lie to You? (the MVSP? think I like that better – more hip!-lying)

Til Then. . . Go Figg’r!

Peace Out-Later

D A N

Go Figg’r by Dan Freeburg is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at gofiggr.blogspot.com.

Little Did I Know… Channeling Your “Inner Yoda”

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on July 31, 2009 by danof89

“What’s Your Problem?“. . . . . .”You!”. . .

No, No not you the reader. God forbid, I’d do anything to offend YOU! No, this is just a little mental and internal dialogue I have in my head when someone asks that open-ended question that BEGS, and most certainly, DESERVES a reply. Instead I tend to walk away casually, looking peripherally for anything that might substitute as a suitable deadly weapon so that I might be able to illustrate my response in a more effective manner. Luckily, for the would-be antagonizers, I have yet to execute PLAN B, but I keep it on reserve, should the opportunity present itself. That is why we don’t even leave sporks lying around the house unattended. So what is it I am getting at today?(more internal dialogue) Funny you should ask! (more) Well, today I’d like to discuss something that seems to have wormed its way into the very fiber of my being. Something that, I guess you could say,”Rubs Me The Wrong Way“.

First of all, for the record, let me tell you that I HATE that phrase! What are we talking about exactly? Without being too gratuitous, tell me, how is it you would prefer to be rubbed? By “Wrong Way”, what is it that “they” are exactly implying? That there is a “Right” way? Is it like petting a dog the wrong way? Going against the grain, or What? This whole inner dialogue is rubbing me the wrong way. And who are “they“? Funny you should hypothetically ask . . .again. “They“ are who I have the problem with and “They“ are. . . People.

No, not ALL People! Sheesh, I would be a very lonely guy if I were to include all of humanity as the bane of my existence. No, I’ve taken the time to carefully categorize them and put them on little index cards that I keep in my little mental rolodex. There are specific types of people in this world ,and in yours, I’m sure (I don’t get out much), who so erode the entire premise of “The Golden Rule”, that I could just. . . . .

Stupid People: You’ve seen them and undoubtedly interacted with several of these throughout the course of your normal day. They can be found typically wandering around heavily crowded public places aimlessly, with vacant and vacuous looks in their eyes. For instance, they may be looking for Peanut Butter in the Produce Department at your local grocery store. They may cut in front of you at the checkout stand and ask for a price check on an item whose display in BOLD LETTERS states: “Coca Cola 12 packs $2.99 Limit 2 per customer” as they ask the clerk, still cutting in front of you -with 20 shopping carts filled to capacity with Pepsi products. “Are these part of the special?” A perfect example for your consideration in my eyes would be: Jon Gosselin (Jon & Kate Doofus)

Ignorant People: Now I’ve drawn a distinction here between Stupid and Ignorant People for a reason. You see, Stupid People, like it or not, most likely cannot help it. Ignorant People, have had every opportunity that the rest of us have to be a socially redeeming individual, but instead have decided to take the road less-traveled.(unfortunately, as of late, I’m afraid there have been a few traffic-jams en route) No, these menaces to society- have decided to abandon all “cooth” and forego any formal education that they have had and be complete and utter “TOOLS”. An easy way to spot one of these folks, where I currently reside, is to drive around town until you find someone with a pair of Rubber Testicles hanging from below their rear license plate on their jacked-up pick-up trucks. I don’t know when these took the place of those chrome-plated naked woman mudflaps, but can we go back to a simpler time? Please?! Try explaining those to a four-year-old! “NO honey those are. . .Oh, Look Chuck E. Cheese!”

A leading contender for your consideration: Matthew McConaughey (just a guess)

Arrogant People: These folks are the “Know-it-Alls” of society. (Before you jump the gun, I only claim to Know it All-and have admitted, many times that this is a process) But these folks are generally wealthy and well-educated (another disqualifier for me) and have about 0 credentials in real life or practical experiences. They are typically a person that has had their lives handed to them and are very quick to dispense their brand of Wisdom on the rest of us as we duck for cover. You probably have an aunt or uncle that qualifies in this department. I know I do. Again, there are exceptions to the rule. However, the funny thing is when you do find a rare instance of a poor and uneducated Arrogant Person it is almost tragic. If you are a loved one of one of these stricken and afflicted souls, you need to have that person looked at by a professional. Perhaps you could refer them to one of my examples in this arena: Dr.’s Phil McGraw and Drew Pinsky (certifiable)

Happy People: I may be making a generalization or blanket statement here, but if I am, what are you going to do? Sue Me? But, it’s again been my experience that these people are typically wealthy or well-to-do. When I “did my time” in LA, I encountered hordes of these types of individuals. Granted, in LA and Hollywood a majority of these guys were probably on illicit pharmaceuticals which enhanced their “Positive Outlook”. Always, upbeat and “chipper” they are able to weather the storm in life come-what-may. They are lively and energetic and have the “World on a String”. Their prognosis on the world is simply,“When life Gives You Lemons. . .Make Lemonade”. Well life hasn’t exactly handed me a “bumper citrus crop”, so these guys can shove it! There is only one deserving nominee in this department for me: Tony Robbins (and that’s not because he “Tweeted” me).

Now I could go on and on. In fact I have and usually do. These are merely a handful of the types of People that get under my skin, are a thorn in my side or a pimple on the ass of my life. I’ve got a couple mental rolodex filled, but I’m not going over the limit per customer, so I’m cool. I will “treat” you all to my dealings with any number of these crazy characters along my ROAD TO CELEBRITY. But right now, I have to talk to my neighbor about not working on his Camaro in the street at 3 in the morning. What’s a guy got to do to get a little piece and quiet around this dump?

Remember, I don’t want anyone inciting a traffic jam on the Internet Super Highway, but tell a friend about my block.(this blog-I’m such a stupid, ignorant, arrogant and unhappy person -sorry, I’m so inconsiderate -Hey, there’s another type!) Nah, do with your free time what you will, but keep reading. Start a Movement. . . .Go Figg’r!

Have I mentioned “THE CAUSE”?

Peace Out – Later

D A N

The Meaning of Life…A Story Problem

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on August 4, 2009 by danof89

There are not words that can adequately express the hatred I have for mathematics. Growing up, during my formative school years, I would sit during timed examinations and only be able to concentrate on the minutes left on the clock, that would count down to yet another abysmal showing in Pre-Algebra (again) and no hope of ever joining the Mathletes Team in their quest for supremacy at the annual “State Finals For Decathamathletes“, in Des Moines every April. Now, I don’t know if this is an actual event, but I think I heard about an event that closely paralleled something of that nature, and for purposes of continuing this story, we’re going to “run with it“, okay? Thanks, you’re a peach!

But during these formative years, (I actually call them my formidable years) I learned probably the first life lesson, that would begin one of many, that eventually would shape who I am today. That lesson is two-fold (And I hate when things come with more than one fold. It tends to mean they’re “involved” and somewhat difficult to “make sense of” - kind of like what you’re reading. . .right now). But that lesson was: a) that I would very rarely live up to my potential in life and b) really didn’t have any business being in Pre-Algebra or anything that was so absurd. To combine both letters and numbers in some kind of taunting and archaic manner? – really, it’s like hieroglyphics!

So, if you’re wondering where I’m going with all of this, I guess I should clue you in now, huh? I’d like to talk about THE MEANING OF LIFE! In the time-honored tradition of such great philosophers as Plato and Aristotle. Scientists such as Darwin and Einstein. Religious figures such as Buddha and the Dalai Lama. and Entertainment Superstars Tom “the salted nutbar” Cruise and Sonny “look out for the tree” Bono, I will attempt to weigh in on this topic, because. . . “Hey, if Buddha (or any one of the many of them) can do it, why not ME?” (note: for anyone wanting me to throw Jesus into the mix? . . Sorry. . . I think I’ll leave it at that). Unfortunately, for a lot of us (but mainly for me) is the fact that this age old question can only be answered by completing ONE LONG STORY PROBLEM. Worse yet? The clock is running. . . and this is a timed examination!

So if Johnny is born into the world at point A and Sally is born into the world at Point B on the same day on opposite sides of the “world we all live in”, how do they get to point C? Is there a point C? What is point C? Or do they wander around the “world we all live in”, bumping into other parts of this equation and never producing a tangible answer? My hope is that we can all find a common denominator and can converge absolutely. Okay, any more math metaphors and I’ll spew! Sorry. But do you see what I mean? There are so many variables for all of us. (last one, promise)

A lot of people hate or hated story problems in Math Class (eck . . . Math), but you know something I’m figuring out as I get older? I can kind of wrap my head around the story part. And doesn’t everyone like a story? I mean a good story at least. If the story sucks, it’s just going to end up on Daytime Soap Operas, NBC’s fall line-up or for something put out by . . .what’s the name of the studio Kutcher is signed with? The whole thing is. . . it’s a story. With a beginning, middle and end. I hope that when the last page is turned in my story, at the very least, it was a good read. And sometimes it’s not always about the story that we write. Sometimes it’s whose story we buy or buy in to. I like to get mine on Amazon, but I enjoy writing them so much more.

What in the hell am I talking about? . . .A Problem. One we all face at one time or another. The answer to which a good chunk of mankind has been trying to figure out since we could teach Pre-Algebra to kids that wanted nothing more than to go outside and play with their friends or learn something that might actually be of some use to them in the future. Tell you what, that Pre-Algebra hasn’t helped me figure this one out. Not yet. Guess I can keep trying to plunk in new numbers and try different equations, but I DO think the answer: no matter how you arrive at it. . . is the same, for all of us.

So what is the answer to the question? I never said I was going to answer it, did I? Just said I was going to weigh in. But there’s one thing I do know about all those folks I said that were looking for the answer to it, at the beginning of this thing. With the exception of TWO, all of those guys are DEAD. Do you think the answer matters to them anymore? Chances are they KNOW NOW, huh? And as far as “The Salted Nutbar”, he’s still waiting on the pod people to beam him up to Omegatron X! The Dalai Lama, heck, I don’t know? He seems like a pretty laid back guy, I don’t think he’d have a problem with me! He’ll figure it out too, just like the rest of us. For now, I think I’ll keep writing and stop doing the math.

I hope you all remembered your number 2 pencils. . . You may begin your exams. . .Now!

Til Then. . . Go Figg’r!

Vote, tweet,e-mail and remember : “The Cause” (I still have a little math to do)

Peace Out – Later

D A N

Go Figg’r by Dan Freeburg is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at gofiggr.blogspot.com.

I’ll See that “Penny for your Thoughts” and Raise You “My Two Cents Worth”

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on August 4, 2009 by danof89

I’m not a big gambling man. I’ve never really had anything appurtenant with which I was willing to part. To be honest, in order to be successful at gambling, I think you need to be willing to lose something in order to gain more in the end. Up until this point, I don’t think that has been the case in my life. I’ve tried to horde everything I consider MINE and stake a claim to everything else around me that wasn’t nailed down. Some may call that selfish. Some may call that narcissistic. I prefer to look at these attributes as: Good Tactical Self-Preservation and Life-Managing Survival Skills. As it turns out it makes me an “Emotional Baggage Pack Rat“. It’s all really just how you look at it, I suppose. But from where I’m sitting, “If You Break it You Buy it“, and I’ve got a bunch of junk in my garage, waiting to go in the recycle bin. . . when I get around to it.

So when I sat down to think of yet another in my long list of bits designed to make you, the reader, “Feel a Whole Lot Better About You Situation“, my thoughts immediately turned to . . .ME. What is it I exactly set out to do when I started this blog? Was it to entertain? Certainly. Was it to inform. Undoubtedly. Was it to bring a little slice of happiness to a world that needs someone to step up to the plate and hit a home run for it, because little Billy’s in the hospital and desperately requires a much-needed root-canal? Maybe. I don’t think his parents have very good insurance and Health Care Reform is way overdue.

All Seriousness Aside. . .

If I had to be honest . . .again, (and at this point what do I have to lose?), I’d have to say that I really designed this whole thing to reach “THE MASSES” who, until then, hadn’t been given the opportunity to receive the life-affirming and healing touch that I can and do provide to all those that have the honor of having made contact with me. (Too thick? eh…) I’ve been compared to a “Humor-Writing Wannabe“, a “Humorless Humorist” and (I still don’t get this) a “Perez Hilton Doogie“. Seriously, I like Neil Patrick Harris. He’s a great actor of stage and small screen. Whatever he does in his free time is, other than being tabloid fodder, none of my concern. As far as Little miss thang. . . I don’t attack people unless provoked (except in making this statement) and comments by somebody in a blog more obscure than mine, only lets me know that what “I do”, might be doing some good here after all. So. . .Thanks?

God knows, I don’t have the readership, but those of you that do read me . . . Have Excellent Taste! Good for you!

So, I guess what I’m considering, is somewhat uncharacteristic for me. I talked (on TWITTER, so I guess I TWEETED) to some of you some of the difficulties I’ve had trying to get my BLOG more visible. Trying to become the “New King of All Media” has provided more than its share of setback and presented a whole series of challenges I hadn’t anticipated. I still can’t get (Ctrl Alt Delete) to reset my computer, for instance. The Logistics of this whole endeavor have proven to be overwhelming. And I’m actually fairly intelligent! No REALLY! I wanted to get the website “GO FIGG’R” up and running by now. . . No Go. I was (this close> <) to securing the rights to the entire Beatles catalog. Nothin'. The "Go Figg'r" clothing line and hands free tote bags are on hold until the Child Labor Dispute is settled (I should have never gone through Kathy Lee's dumpster). So I'm kind of at an impasse, aren’t I? (you can just silently concur)

I’ve never been a patient man. No, far less likely to be patient than to go ahead and spin the wheel in life. So in that regard, I guess I might take up a little gambling. I’ve been roasting, my close personal friend Tony Robbins, at every turn since the beginning of this little project. Skewering, would probably be a more accurate definition. However, wouldn’t you know it? Through the course of the last couple of weeks Tony has taken the time out of his grueling schedule of Firewalking and the collection of people’s “hard-earned money”, to reply to some of my Tweets. I said a few days ago on Twitter that I would share a bit of that exchange, so in danger of violating some sort of weird copyright law that I’m not aware of here is a snippet:

Can’t tell you that..I don’t know what your true passion is. but I do know you can find it. read man’s search for meaning” 4change

Okay, so I don’t know why I can’t copy and paste something from Tweetdeck on to this page,but take my word for it. . .Would I LIE to YOU? (please disregard the blog from July 30th – most everyone else did)

Now to offer you a little of the history leading to this exchange, it’s only fair I include 1 of my proceeding Tweets to him:

@tonyrobbins did you know that when you have brain damage one of the first things to go is a sense of sarcasm?TRUE. look it up.

So. . . as a result of what I perceive as the “gauntlet” being thrown at my feet, by the fire-walking, mind-reading, energy-pumping, pulse-pounding, teeth-whitening Guru - to literally tens of hundreds of people. I would like to take up a little gambling, if I may. I’m not really sure if this is going to work, so bare with me. I’ve shared with you folks since day one what my passion is. It is to become a CELEBRITY. Now what that exactly entails or embodies still remains somewhat unclear to me. But, I do want to be SUCCESSFUL. I want to share with you guys what I’ve been up to in regards to my pursuit of meeting that end. I Am a Writer. I Am an Artist. I Am a Comedian (in the broadest sense of the word). So I want you all to take a look at some of the ideas I have for what I hope will “someday soon” be coming to a theater, television or video store near you. . .I hope you enjoy! (look above – I don’t know how to work this thing)

The GAMBLE, I’m taking is that, because of the size of my audience, (My feed is only getting followed by a couple thousand people) at least ONE of you will be in the position to like what you’ve seen and read over the last couple months and contact me with a reasonable way to reach my OBJECTIVE. Those of you that are not in that position, PLEASE CONTINUE READING! I need the readers! I need the foundation and I Need The CHANCE. I like what I do for a living, as far as that goes. But this is my PASSION. . .This is what I Love to Do! If you think I’m any good, please follow the journey and thanks for your patience on these days when I need to try to “Take Care of a Little Business“. For those of you that get this feed on a mobile or other portable device,you’re killing my numbers! But if you want to see what I’m talking about, you’ll have to check it on the web. It’s not the scribbling at the top of this post. Don’t know who that is. (I don’t know if that’s true with all feeds, but whatever!) Everything I’ve shown has a storyline to it, but you’ll have to contact me for the details. I’ve got to play something close to the vest. I hear artists, writers, comedians and the lot, are a dime a dozen. Well, then I guess your money’s been well spent!

Mr. Robbins? You forced my hand, Big Guy! Whether you knew it or not. I suspect you did. I can hear you following me and I can smell you breathing!

Anybody need me, I’ll be around, cutting my losses. . .

Til Then. . .Go Figg’r!

“The Cause” up the ante!

Peace Out-Later

D A N

Everyone’s a Critic…Unless NO ONE Gives a Crap!

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on August 6, 2009 by danof89

Okay, Okay, so those are some mighty strong words. I’m sure I’m not the only one guilty of judging someone on their merits. Or could it be I’m the only one that has asked the question, “What Have You Done For Me Lately?”. . . Ms. Jackson (Janet. . .I do consider myself a bit NASTY), you’ve left me in a Deprecative Dilemma and, at the very least, a bit of a TIMEWARP, when I refer to 80’s Pop Culture Anthems for the basis of yet another theme, meant to make us all take a step back and ask ourselves, “Who Do They Think They’re Kidding?” Personally, I am kidding YOU, the reader. The few brave souls that have continued this pilgrimage despite my errors in judgement. Although, I do think that “Shhh…You Smell Something?“ and the “Feces“ one were a couple of my better bits. But, who am I to Judge you? So in an effort to again reach some of my audience that have already headed for the exits in the 7th inning, I thought I’d serve up another slice of Go Figg’r and Title it, referencing another word that seems to get readers to flock. (crap) I don’t know what puzzles me more. Early on in my endeavors, I referenced “Sausage” and “Adam Lambert” and was getting pretty decent numbers or that the “poop” thing didn’t seem to click quite the same way with our “Public Palate”. I apologize for the imagery, but it actually makes a lot of sense to use. After all, I am referring to “Talking Crap”.

Before I go any further, (as if you really think that’s necessary), I need to address my own harshest critic. The perfectionist and “Martyr of all the Unappreciated Artists” that I am, you would probably guess that I am referring to myself. Indeed, you would be wrong. Although, seemingly, at every possible opportunity, I do tend to provide testimonial to my assets to all of mankind (toot my own horn), I need to remind you that I am under the watchful guidance and expert tutelage of one stronger in knowledge and truly a better “Bargain-Shopper” than I. This person has catapulted me to the ranks of such notables as Bill Cosby, Dave Barry and the iconic Walt Disney. Granted, she did a lot of this during my childhood when I was running around -directing traffic on busy streets, finding unusual ways to torture STAR WARS figures into full confessions of their plots of total and epic basement domination and generally being a poster child for ADHD before it became such a Critical Mental Disorder. She had a treatment WAY BACK IN THE 70’s! It was called, “No More Soda!” and “Lay OFF the Pixy Sticks!” Of course, I am speaking of MY MOTHER.

In reality, I think I am probably speaking of a lot of our Mothers. Always the champions of whatever “Causes” were at the top of our agendas on every other given Saturday afternoon. But I’ve got to tell you when my mom called the other night to tell me to “tone down the blog”, my heart sank. You see I pride myself, right or wrong, on being an “Innovator of the Inane!“, a “Window to the Waggish!“, “The Toastmaster General for the Slightly Left-of-Center!“, but I found myself on the other end of one of those phone calls. . .from mom. “Honey,” she said,”I just wish you’d stop using such colorful language.” Please bare in mind, that I was raised the “Son of a Preacher . . .Man”, and only really got into foul language as a hobby in early adolescence. So I wasn’t exactly prepared when mom decided to enlighten me with her appraisal of my efforts thus far. (to her this amounts to a blistering indictment)

So in the interest of bettering MOM-ME Relations, I will try to refrain from using any questionable language for the remainder of this entry. In my defense, however, I do feel that all of my previous submissions, though possibly in poor taste, were about as “Cosby-esque” in the language department as you can get. But no matter, what mom says goes. . .So who’s ready to hear me talk some “CRAP”!? (better mom?)

Since I’ve already spent a good portion of this entry talking about me, I’d like to dispense with the formalities and “Light Up” a few CELEBRITIES! I’d like to share a few “quips” that I have with some of the PEOPLE (wink), that seem to be very happy with making their business our business. (or at least – MINE) I’ve always said that I wouldn’t tear into anyone, unless provoked, but when you put it “All Out There” for everyone, I can’t just sit on the sidelines. You have to put me in the game, coach. . .

The Gosselins (Jon and Kate? . . .Oh Great!) Jon is an adulterer. Kate is a control freak. She was left holding the bag. . . A very large bag of cash! Do either one of them take into account that the kids have to be raised in this circus? I know that Celebrity Mental Health Experts have weighed in on this subject across the board, but I find it difficult to hear about this dynamic duo without wanting to wretch. ‘Nuff said.

Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott (We Love You Loving Our Love) Dean was an adulterer. Tori is a FREAK freak. She was left holding the bag. . .Daddy’s very large bag of cash! I’ve heard that she didn’t really get a whole lot in the inheritance, but what’s keeping her afloat? Her Kermit the Frog-Like Good Looks? My wife watches their reality show. . .yeah, I know, but we’re (for once) not talking about me here! I don’t get it!?

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore-Willis-Kutcher (So BitterTweet) He’s 12. She’s 40 something? Depending on the lighting? Now, I am as guilty as the next guy and gal about following them on Twitter. I’ve even attempted to bond with Ashton on some sort of fellow-Iowan level. (obviously to no avail) I really do enjoy them as a Concept, but am finding it increasingly difficult to follow the Pomposity they exude. I don’t know how self-important 2 people can be and still coexist. Heaven forbid, either of them would get in a car accident. You’d need the “Jaws of Life” to extract their EGOS alone. I want to share a quick sample of a Tweet to “Mrs, Kutcher” and her eloquent (and quite appropriate) response:

I am beyond honored! Thank you @besprenbrian http://twitpic.com/cxqxs – Demi to our generation you our Audrey Hepburn. Classy

Who are we talking about. . . Demi Moore? And Why did she Tweet the compliment within her own Tweet? Wasn’t this the woman who so wanted to be a part of the movie “Striptease”, that she had breast augmentation? I truly admire the dedication to her craft and they did a slendid job. . .but, sorry doll, “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” it was not! If she’d done something about those before “St. Elmo’s Fire”, I might have found her more credible. (and she was quite good in that)-sorry mom, it’s true. (If they catch wind of this I will never be entertained by being allowed to follow their antics, so let’s keep this on the DL, ‘kay?)

. . . There are a bevy of Dishonorable mentions in this category, but this is my short list. Again, I am sure to talk about them all at one point or another. Looking at this list, I’m sure you’ve noticed that this seems to be a grouping of couples. Well the Number 2 seemed to be

apropos to the type of list we are dealing with here. (I think you get my meaning) And to those who might criticize me for my views? Just keep reading and don’t be discouraged. I’ll find a list for you too!

BONUS: These are those that just don’t deserve my time. But I’ll mention them anyway:

The Kardashian Family (Bruce – why so much plastic surgery? And who cares who has the biggest butt?)

Paris & Perez Hilton (though separated at birth, you 2 should share a padded crib)

The cast of “Sober House” (You Made your Beds, Pass out and Pee in them)

and (it pains me to say it) The Jacksons – Let the kids have a normal life and Knock Off the Paid Interviews! (Neverland’s gone and so are most of your careers! He’s Gone!) Ms. Jackson, may I still call you Janet?

All Seriousness Aside. . .

I want you all to know that, although my following is a little less than stellar right now, I will continue the fight. You’ll notice I didn’t say the good fight. Half the time I’m unsure what it is I’m doing, exactly. But I appreciate those of you that have been sticking it through. The payoff has the potential to be EXCEPTIONAL. . . for all of us. (but mainly for me and my family). Stay tuned, because I’m already thinking of the Groups of People that “irk” me and you won’t want to miss that!

The Bottom Line is: “The Opposite of Love, Isn’t Hate. . . It’s Indifference.” I’ll stop Figg’ring when you stop giving a “CRAP”. (goodnight mom – love ya’)

‘Til Then. . . Go Figg’r!

My wife has an itchy trigger finger. Remember “The Cause”

Peace Out – Later

D A N

John Hughes

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on August 7, 2009 by danof89

Where to begin. . .John Hughes was a master story-teller and perhaps the single most influential person to me when I was growing up, next to my parents. Master Story-teller is probably not even doing his name justice. He EMBODIED an ENTIRE GENERATION’S insecurities, confusion, emotion and longing for answers in a way that no other film-maker has or, dare I say, ever will. Celebrities will all have their takes on what the loss means to them, but I want to share a story of what he meant to me. Just another one of you guys.

I’ve shared that as a kid,we moved around a lot. This meant different schools every few years and that, of course, meant trying to make new friends. . . all the time. I fell in love with National Lampoon’s Vacation just like everyone did. The Griswolds were my family and I know that we all have had some of the same types of misadventures.

We all know of his affinity to Molly Ringwald, but it was the relationship he forged with Anthony Michael Hall, that I cleaved to. I was him throughout my adolescence in all his nerdy glory. When I was moving around from town to town I even used my similarity to Hall’s looks and geekiness (in the movies) to tell the new kids that he was my cousin. Sure enough, a lot of the time the kids bought it. But it was the character John infused Hall with that I most identified with. The outcast, the nerd, the smart kid that just wanted to belong. I still tear up at the scene in the Breakfast Club, where the kids are all sharing themselves with one another in the library. Even John’s choice of music for his movies leaves an indelible mark.

John Hughes leaves behind more than a mark. His legacy will forever be preserved as long as their are geeky kids, misfits, outcasts, and even the “cool kids” we wish we had been. The scope of humanity that we can all find within each other. He did what I think we all want to do in life. . .Be more than just the answer to a Trivia Question. He made a difference.

R I P Mr. Hughes, you will be missed

D A N

Top Blogs

Now . . . You Get the Picture?

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on August 7, 2009 by danof89

I’m Not “phoning one in“, but I thought a visual

cue was in order today. It’s the weekend and I

have to take advantage of the numbers. I’ve also

got to spend some time with my family, before

the wife “busts a cap”. I just wanted you guys to

get a better look at what I SEE. (Can you?

. . . try turning your head and squinting, yeah that’s it!)

I talk. . . A LOT. But when it’s all said and done, this is

the kind of “Entertainment” I hope to provide to people.

I will always Go Figg’r! But with a little luck and A LOT

of help, I hope kids, Young and OLD, will get the chance

to enjoy what I have to offer. Any comments, pointers,

suggestions or advice is welcome. . .

I may not be the “Best Artist In The World!”. . .

Oh, but the stories, I want to tell!

Thanks for Reading and Listening. . .

‘Til Next Time (probably tomorrow) . . .Go Figg’r!

Peace Out – Later

D A N

The Fly By Knights by Dan Freeburg is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at gofiggr.blogspot.com.

The Willies by Dan Freeburg is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at gofiggr.blogspot.com.

The Wobblins by Dan Freeburg is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at gofiggr.blogspot.com.

The Orbotz by Dan Freeburg is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at gofiggr.blogspot.com.

Leaving So Soon? I’ll Help You Pack!

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on August 9, 2009 by danof89

I am a LITTLE more than HAPPY that my children’s summer vacation is just about winding down. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my kids! But every year, about this time in August, the natives start to get a little restless. They’ve spent the better part of the summer bouncing off of every wall in our “Humble Commode”. Every video game has been mastered. Every Netflix Free Trial has been exploited. . .And we’ve had just about enough of one another in Large doses over the last 2 months, that anyone venturing near the vicinity that looks like they have an outside chance of helping us “Escape” is a coveted trophy. So far we have a utility man, a cable guy, a Mormon and a Jehovah’s Witness scared to death to come within 500 yards of our front door. Add to that there are 6 of us, living in a 2 Bedroom “Bungalow of Bedlam” and I think we’re not only playing with FIRE . . . Well I’m not even sure the phrase for that kind of combustibility has even been coined. Smashing Pumpkins probably put it best when they sang, “Despite all the rage, I am still just a Rat in a Cage“. Yeah. . . it gets “Scary” around here!

We DO venture into society on occasion. When it’s time to FEED, for example. You will find us, quite often, pillaging bargain racks at the “Hostess Discount and Day-Old Store”. We may also be spotted at 7 Eleven’s during a shift change, which almost always means Fresh Hot Dogs! Although we usually get the ones they’re throwing out. Unless Victor is working. He’s a “pud-torker“.

Like a large number of Americans, this summer we decided to stay at home instead of taking a Vacation that would have wiped us out,financially. No, we stayed home and “cut corners”, scrimping and saving every valuable cent. Now as a “Reward” for all of our “Tireless Work and Thrifty Ways” we get to “Reap the Harvest of Our Labors”. It’s “Back to School Sale” time and you know what that means, as a parent don’t you? . . .Being wiped out financially. (like quicker than you can say, “What the. . .?” Unless of course you have Credit Cards (which also do not come within 500 yards of our front door). Then you can drag it out in handy monthly payments before you . . .get wiped out financially. Pick your poison. Quick and Easy or Agonizingly Slow.

Sure we got out at other times as well. We Did go to “Venice Beach”, which I’m sure my loyal readers (Hello!!!!!!! Mumbai!!! They did for real you know. I asked them if they were reading to compare notes-Haven’t heard back yet-but I’m hearing rumblings in India about ‘Who Wants to Go Figg’r a Millionaire?’) , will remember-provided us with “thrill-a-minute” entertainment. But I considered that more of a business trip. That was the “manna” from which this delightful “Potpourri of Pontifications” was gleaned. (It’s where I got the idea for the blog). It’s also kind of a normal migration for folks living in Toiletville USA! (I mean Bakersfield,CA) You’ll notice I don’t say much about this place. . . . . . . exactly! I’ll just say that today I compared it to Afghanistan. . . without the “Atmosphere”. You can say what you want about what’s going on in the Middle East, but it seems to have a fairly active “Night Life”. I’ve never heard about so many people that into Discos. Every other week, I swear. “Did you hear what happened at the Disco?” No. . . then it’s like (Blah,Blah,Blah) Middle East. You’ve heard that too? Was beginning to think I wasn’t getting the whole story! Now no one can blame me for being “out of the loop”.

So where was I? . . . Of Course, spending MONEY we don’t have! I love talking about that! You know, I go back to work in a little over a week as “PUBLIC SCHOOL BUS DRIVER!” I know that doesn’t have exactly the same “shine” or “distinction” to it as some of my other titles, but with this Badge of Honor, comes a responsibility to our fine community here at Toil…Bakersfield. The Great State of California has deemed me: “THE MASTER OF VERBAL SOCK-PUPPETRY” a suitable and necessary instrument in the safe and timely transport of some of our “Country’s Most Precious Cargo”. . . spoiled brats, wanna-be thugs, and possible homeland security threats. (aka our kids) But as long as I get a CHECK. . . can’t say that I give a rip! . . . I’m kidding. I don’t want anybody to get hurt. . . Well not because of Me! No, my fellow parents, parents-in-waiting, parents-to-be, parents of the same sex hoping to adopt, parents of the opposite sex less likely to be able to adopt. . . your kids are safe in the hands of someone like me. . . Depending on that paycheck!

At the end of the Summer it is also time for ME to go back to work. This is, not so surprisingly to me, WELCOME NEW to my wife! Though I am not sure why! All I do know is that her patience with me may have come dangerously close to “homicidal malice”. I was sent to the store yesterday to procure the necessary ingredients for one of the most delicious and economically feasible dishes for another end-of-summer meal. . . Chili Dogs. Upon returning from the grocery store, my lovely and very tough wife informed me in no uncertain terms that I had procured inferior cheese for the preparation of the meal. I was dumbfounded! “There was a certain type of cheese that I should have been looking for?” I said, innocently enough. At this point the conversation turned a little strange. Have you ever had one of those surreal, “This Can’t Be Happening, Can It” Moments? I did. . . right then and there! I almost felt my self leave my body and float above me as I had a “discussion” with my wife that a combination of four white cheeses would indeed be sufficient for consumption of such an important “Feast of the Senses”. Her Rebuttal? Not only was the four white cheese blend not “worthy of the dog or the chili that went on it”, it was out and out, “not RIGHT”,”Italian, in it’s ethnicity” and “quite possibly the single dumbest thing I’ve done in the history of my existence”. (By the way we Love Italian food and Italians, it was the cheese talking).

THAT MY FRIENDS, is how I knew that this might be a good time to start looking towards the future. . . To like next week! I will be back at work again and away from all these kids. . . .

Oh yeah, only now I’ll have 40 to 60 at a time! Eh, but they’re not mine. I mean they are ALL OF OURS. That “Precious Cargo”! Blech. . . Don’t worry They’ll get there safe. . .I Need The Money! Then, maybe I can afford some Cheddar Cheese and the wife won’t be telling me, “You Know where the courthouse is. . . there’s a pen!”. . . Seriously, dude, like – “Out of my Body”!

Hope you guys had a good Weekend and Enjoyed My “STAY TUNED STUFF”

Remember, comments mean a lot. . . So leave some!

Vote! TWEET and Give to stop the Bleeding!

(and least then she’ll think I’m not wasting “our” time!)

‘Til Then. . .Go Figg’r!

Peace Out – Later

D A N

New Posts – What are you gonna’ do?

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on August 10, 2009 by danof89

Hey gang! If you are new to Go Figg’r. . .Welcome! If you’re the “retread”, what are you gonna’ do? I was thinking about importing my blogspot stuff to this site, as I thought it might attract a “more discerning class” of clientele. But you know something? Those that read my block on a regular (or irregular) basis know the schtick. (I’m about as low brow as Lou Ferrigno explaining his connection to Michael Jackson’s exercise regimen) To top it off, I’ve added a link to “Go Figg’r” in the lower right corner. Therefore, you will never have to miss an entry of this Top Shelf, Groundbreaking, and might I say, ONE OF A KIND BLOG. You will never again see “My World” the same way again.

So, I may decide to run this spot as a separate entity, in and of itself. This may prove somewhat difficult as I am SO BUSY. What, between juggling my Financial Dealings overseas and trying to keep my kids from stapling my chihuahua to the carpet, I barely find time to make my wife Extremely Happy! So bear with me. There are bound to be some “growing pains”. I may decide to go all “artsy” and introduce new material or even a few guest writers. . . Chances are though, that it’ll be somewhere fair to midland, and more of the same.

Either way, you’re welcome to hitch a ride on the Go Figg’r bandwagon. You can help to start a movement, change the world and become a real productive member of society. . . OR you can read my blog.

Keep in mind, whatever you decide, that my one of my highest goals in life, is to bury Perez Hilton and any other “hacks” out there. But MY SEARCH begins with the Meaning of Life, while keeping an “I” on the Prize! I do not want to become “famous” by being a blogger. I want to become IMMORTAL, for being me!

Thanks for Checking In, I’ll Keep You Posted

‘Til then. . . Go Figg’r

Peace out-Later

D A N

If At First You Don’t Succeed, Tell Your Kids To Do It!

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on August 12, 2009 by danof89

I am not a typical man . Now, I know you all find that VERY difficult to believe, but it’s true! In fact, I have spent a large portion of my adult life shattering stereotypes and charting a course towards true equality between the sexes! I’m not really sure if the term metrosexual is even “used anymore, but I think I may have very well been the Founder, Charter Member and Leading Participant in the Movement. Was it a Movement? Or was that really more of a soft southerly breeze that swept over the country, enveloping it, embracing it and assuring us, “Hey U.S. you’re Okay. . . and I’M Okay, let’s go work out at Bally’s, then take a “rinse off” and grab some fruit salad and a mineral water “. Of course, I might be a little overzealous in that claim.

It might be like when Al Gore said he invented the “Internet”, which to be honest,was actually a claim that was taken TOTALLY out of context. What he had meant to say was that he vastly enjoyed downloading free pornography early on in his political career, before he got caught by Tipper and she told him to stop or she would make him endure countless trips to Washington to lobby on behalf of a “Cause” that would eventually prove that “Rock and Roll” was indeed the “work of” . . . the people that wrote it . Either way, I’m not like the typical guy. This is a point that my wife points out on a fairly regular basis when a household appliance or one of our automobiles decides, out of the blue and at the very worst possible moment that it wants to . . . Break Down. Which around our house, is tentatively scheduled between the first of the month (rent time) and the last of the month (the last of the money collected from couches, car ashtrays and the kids’ piggy bank-time).

In all fairness and in my own defense, I just don’t like mechanical things. I never took auto shop in school. I wasn’t into hunting and fishing. From a really young age I just really never got into any normal guy activities or hobbies. Don’t get me wrong! I’m not saying I’m a fancy boy! But I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being cool with your sensitive side. Plus, if you don’t really know how to fix anything, you typically aren’t “Asked To Do It”. It’s like when I’m at the grocery store. . . I’ll be minding my own business and walking down the aisle scouring the shelves for something I can present to the checkout clerk as “Damaged” (so that I can receive my traditional 10 to 15 percent discount), when who walks up to me? Well, I’m glad you asked, as I was generally headed in that direction with this. It’s none other than a “Little Old Lady”! and get this. . . “she Needs me to REACH something for her!” At this point what can I do? Well, yes I could push her to the ground and walk off cursing her “decrepit existence” , but I was raised a little better than that. The point is I’ll get the lady her stupid can of stewed prunes, but she just completely disrupted my chain of thought and my routine. At this point, because of my ADHD, I usually have to go back to the beginning of the aisle and start my search all over. If I am towards the frozen foods which is generally my last stop before paying and leaving, I may have to start ALL OVER in Produce, at the other side of the store. So, I don’t like really doing things for people.

That’s something else I’ve discovered at this Advanced Stage in Life, by which I mean, my superior intellect and insight, not my AGE. Heck, I’m still a pup, Homie! No, I’ve realized that more and more, I am not really the “People Person” that I was when I was younger. . . and more stupid. You know what I find so rewarding about this blog? . . . No, it’s not the Huge Following, Wealth and Fame that I’ve accumulated, although that is nice too. It’s actually the fact that sometimes I can work out some of my “Issues”, while still being extremely charming and probably “The Most ENTERTAINING READ on the Internet Today!” Sorry, I’ve got some new sponsors and I want to give them a little something for their “Creative Development Meeting” on Friday. I started this entry telling you about why I am not the typical guy. That I’ve embraced my softer side, rather than a stereotypical mold that we have been forced into since the “Dawn of Time”. That’s true. But not for the reasons that some might make some label me a little “Fluffy”. Not that I don’t enjoy Christopher Lowell or finding new and interesting ways to “open up a space” in my “communal habitat”. But I don’t like GUY stuff because I’m lazy!

You Guys don’t understand how much of a relief that is going to be this weekend when I go to my buddy’s house for our weekly Poker Game and to WATCH FOOTBALL. They were starting to get a little worried about me. I’m kidding. I don’t have any buddies and if I were to try and watch a Football Game, my wife might make me fix our dryer and change the oil in our minivan. That’s a whole can of worms I’m not willing to open up. I don’t want to have to start over in Produce when “my System” has got me knee deep in Fudgesicles. “Why are these prunes in my cart?”

Thanks for the Support “Tweet-folk”

’til Then. . .Go Figg’r!

Peace Out – Later

D A N

Sequels are Stupid. . . Part 2

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on August 14, 2009 by danof89

You can say “That” again! But why would you want to? Besides “Redundancy” there is only one thing I can think of that is more stupid. . . Repeating yourself. (pause for recognition . . .laugh) . . . I think that bears repeating. . . I DO NOT ENJOY repeating ideas, thoughts, concepts or going over the same “Tired Old Territory”. When I was doing the research for this entry, (Yes, on occasion, I do have to look certain types of information up for reference purposes), I found a wealth of information on the subject. So is this idea new? NO. But just like any intellectual property, I am allowed to put my own spin on it. So in actuality, what I am doing could be compared to Rob Zombie remaking John Carpenter’s “Halloween” (and NOW, H2 -ugh). But let me assure you that this is not a sequel to anything that you may have read to date. By merely mentioning that this subject has been broached, I invite you to peruse the net and find something comparable to my thoughts either in heart, strength of content or on the overall “Making You Want to Pee Yourself with Enjoyment Index” . (But wait until I’ve finished my bit. I worked really hard on it)

I will Go Figg’r it in my usual fashion. (With ferocity and reckless disregard for those who stand in my way) while simultaneously playing to your amygdala and tugging at your heart strings. As always, I will tie it up nice and neat and even put forth the assertion that this type of behavior can be true when utilized in every day application. So with a nod to my friends at the Mutant Cafe (circa: whenever they wrote their article the first time-and by the way, they’ve done it multiple times-meaning they’ve gone to the well more than once themselves “Hey guys! What’s up?”), I give to you a “spruced up” version and my take on repeating the same, old same old. From the “Cow Flop” that HOLLYWOOD keeps churning out, to waking up everyday in YOUR OWN BED and saying, “Oh Crap! . . I’m awake. . . Now what? Can I get a Do-Over?” This is what I affectionately refer to as “My Own Little Personal Groundhog Day !”(anyone else ever do that? No?) Well, nevertheless this line of thinking is also exactly the rationale used to bring you such hits as “Look Who’s Talking Now!” and “Caddyshack 2″.

There are those that would argue that SOME Sequels are “Necessary” for telling the Complete Story. That might very well be true. But there are also some really bad stories that throw 3 or 4 loads into the “Story-Telling Hopper” and end up making a horrible mess of a completely atrocious idea, that had no real reason for ever being conceived of in the first place. I’ll give you an example of one of the movies that was the exemplification of the way this worked out in a best case scenario. The Movie? Star Wars . . . . I will also give you an example of when this not only was a horrible idea, but when it was done, not only made a shambles of a potentially storied franchise, but made me physically ill and dangerously close to finding a way to have the individual responsible sent to wherever they sent exiled director Polanski to, because of the mere shame that a fellow countrymen had caused not only me, but all of humanity. The Movie? Star Wars . . . . But our extradition treaty with Tattooine and France had lapsed and I was looking at another like, bunch of light years for the paperwork to get pushed through, even though I tried to “Fast Track” it and had a friend in the Imperial Senate .

I’ve recently become a member of a couple of Entertainment Website Organizations, that for whatever reason, seem to pride themselves on being nerds . I did this ONLY so that I could become more knowledgeable on what is happening on the HOLLYWOOD scene. It is for the “research”. The people that belong to these sites are not typically the types of individuals I would associate with. These are the types of people that I would’ve associated with in High School, if I’d had any friends. To protect their identities, I will not divulge their names. Plus, they said if I did, I couldn’t play with them anymore. And I’m getting really far in World of Warcraft. (as a sidenote: Who decided to make it socially more acceptable to be a nerd, just by changing the term to “geek”? Curious. Was it Best Buy ?)

But all “Star Wars” aside . . .

I’d like to point out a few films, that have recently popped up on my radar as being offenders of, not only of Redundancy, but of the ” Oh, REALLY?”- FACTOR”. (not to be confused with the pompous, overbearing, windbag hosting the O’Reilly Factor , but that’s for another day. . .)

Please Note: The opinions of the staff of Go Figg’r (me) following here within are merely editorial in nature. They do not reflect the actual talent of any of the actors participating in any of the movies included; as I’m sure they are nice enough people and have a reason for associating themselves with “COW FLOP”, such as feeding their children, stabilizing the economy, brokering a deal with North Korea that will end any and all Nuclear Testing . . .or nursing a real nasty drug habit – (Thank You -the management).

“Scooby Doo – The Mystery Begins” (September 2009) Now on paper, I agree this looks like it could be the “End All, Be All” of summer blockbusters. Look at the cast alone! You’ve got venerable voice-actor Frank Welker as Scooby Doo. Then there’s Robbie Amell as somebody,then Hayley somethin-or-other, Kate ? Oh. . . but that Nick Palatas is playing Shaggy! (What? That’s not the funny guy from 13 Ghosts and Scream?) Well all I can say is WHY? My kids want to see it, that’s why! Like we can’t just watch reruns of the cartoon on Cartoon Network without having to drag my family to a movie and writhe in both agony and awkwardness as I try to explain drug references and mild sexual themes to a 4 year old the way I had to with the Live Action “Cat in the Hat” and ” The Grinch that Stole Christmas” I was just starting to be able to take my kids back to the library and sleep at night! NO THANK YOU! This is gonna’ blow.

“Get Smart 2″ (2010) I Love Steve Carrell and up until this outing, we’ve been on the same page. Even when he did “Evan Almighty” , I was pulling for the guy. And even though it was a “sequel” loosely based on Jim Carey’s first endeavor with “Biblically Enhanced Characters”. But WHY? Michael Scott? Are things going south that fast on “The Office”? Just because Rainn Wilson has enjoyed a bit of success in his “sans Office” offerings doesn’t mean you need to climb into a sack of puppies as they’re being tossed into the river. . .Does It? I had such high expectations for this guy too, I really thought his star was “on the rise”. . . (I heard that really isn’t done that often anymore, the puppy thing . . . I think, just in the South) Moving on . . .

“I am Legend 2″ (TBA 2011) This is confusing to me. I vaguely remember the first film although it netted like a Gazillion Dollars (a legitimate amount), stateside alone. Everything Will Smith touches seems to turn to gold, (especially around the 4th of July – wonder when this will be released?) , except DJ Jazzy Jeff . But . . . WHY? I understand that it is a prequel and is attempting to set up the reason why his character, Robert Neville, found himself the last survivor, alone in New York trying desperately to find another sign of life. I have an idea! Why doesn’t the Fresh Prince try to find a Fresh idea instead of regurgitating leftovers! The sign of life could be an ORIGINAL IDEA! I Love me some Will, as much as the next guy or gal – and even the “BUFF” Jada , and I can even tolerate the nepotism of letting the young ones ride the coat tails, but I want something that isn’t going to suck. . . “Big Willy Style!” For the love of all that’s good, don’t make me explain why the good guy is a DRUNK . . . again! (thanks again for Hancock!)

Now to wrap up my thoughts on some of the upcoming Entertainment Extravaganzas, in the works and on the way, I’d like to explain something. I could have gone the traditional route with my opinions and chosen movies that are already “full-on” in the public consciousness, but I wanted to take a peek a little further ahead. You have to give me the Star Wars thing for the set up. . . . You have to! I’m a “nerd” AND a “Control Freak”! There’s a lot being said about the obvious ones coming out: Halloween 2, Gremlins 3, Jurassic Park 4, Toy Story 3, Saw 18 and Alvin and the Chipmunks – the Squekwel (really?), but I’ve got to leave something for next time! . . . .(next time?) You didn’t think I was going to be able to fit everything into one blog entry did you? Just think of this as our own little segue to “The Empire Strikes Back”. Only, you won’t have to wait 3 years for the payoff! Well then again. . .

By the way, it’s come to my attention that a NEW “Family Guy” Sequel to their Star Wars send-up, “Blue Harvest” will be out by the Holiday Gift Giving Season! There is one I’ll watch!

‘Til Then. . . Go Figg’r!

Peace Out- Later

D A N

KEEP VOTING! (donations have moved to my sidebar-thx)

Down Doobie Doo Down DOWN. . .

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on August 16, 2009 by danof89

Waking up IS Hard to Do! At least around my house! It’s getting that time again! Yep, it is back to my “real job”. For those of you that don’t know, I started this little ditty a couple months ago with HIGH HOPES. I had the ability to “Lasso the Moon” and nothing was going to prevent me from using this as the perfect vehicle to champion my “CAUSE”. To date I have generated roughly . . . wait a sec, I’ve got it written down somewhere. . . . Oh yeah, JACK SQUAT! Which is okay, I guess, considering that is exactly what my wife says I am offering to those of you who have hitched a ride on the “Go Figg’r” bandwagon . . . I would like to think that I’ve provided you with not only some spirited social commentary but a real “Rip-Roaring Good Time!” (I’m delusional) But alas, it is back to the GRIND tomorrow.

I am STILL continuing my journey towards “CELEBRITY”, but unlike those toiling in HOLLYWOOD as waiters and waitresses, limo drivers, nannies, CPA’s and Network Television Studio “Executives”, waiting for their “big breaks”, I sadly must return to the profession I chose to pay the bills . . . I am returning to be the “Best of the Best!” and “Give it my All!” I will not rest on my laurels (because I don’t know what those are). I am going to “Take On the World!” as only a true and devoted “PUBLIC SCHOOL BUS DRIVER” can! Yes, as difficult as it is to believe, I am a “STATE EMPLOYEE” . . . Shocking, huh? You’d think someone as “Gifted with the Gab” would have secured a more righteous gig.(Like undertaker) Yeah, me too, but when you’ve got a wife and four kids and no other options, you tend to take just about anything. Don’t get me wrong! I enjoy driving a bus with kids that generally hate me, hate their parents, hate each other, hate school and hate just about everything that didn’t hate them first. . . Oh, except being tremendously ANNOYING. . . . They LOVE that! Sounds like a bad career decision doesn’t it? Well, remember! This isn’t my first choice. (and the mortuary has this whole apprenticeship thing that creeps me out!)

No that would be . . . Jimmy Buffett. Not as a career. . .As a BEING! The next closest thing I can think of closer to my generation in “years”, (but not intelligence) would be Sammy Hagar. How bad – as in good – would that be, huh? Front for one of the best groups of all time. Make a butt-load of cash, get your “sorry butt” asked to leave, be replaced by the REAL frontman, then retire in relative obscurity to “run a bar” somewhere in a “Tropical Locale”. Your only worry? Making sure you don’t sleep on your back and pull a John Belushi. . . you know the whole, yeah. . .gross.

That would be awesome! . . . But, that’s a fantasy. A Pipe Dream .(also not fully cognitive of that phrase’s origin) Like winning the Lottery in Life. The chances of something like that happening to someone like me are like one in a “GAJILLION to the Infinity Squared”! And that’s . . . . EXACTLY WHAT I”M COUNTING ON!

Why is there only one Kurt Warner story out there? Hmm? A guy plucked from the every day, sent up through the ranks of inferior leagues until he emerges a SUPERSTAR and wins the BIG ONE? Then gets traded, has a few horrible years, ends up in Arizona (of all places) and comes back – ONE MORE TIME and Almost does it ALL OVER AGAIN? THEN gets a “Big Fat Juicy Bone” of a DEAL, which sets him and his girls up for the “rest of his life”, so he can retire in relative obscurity to “pen motivational speeches with Tony Robbins ” somewhere in a “Tropical Locale”? (was that all just ONE question?) And NO, those two are not going anywhere NEAR “CABO WABO”! . . . They are on a different “Level of Consciousness” .

I have been asked, by a few (believe me very few), why as “THE MASTER OF VERBAL SOCK-PUPPETRY”, I have employed the use of “sight gags” in my more recent entries. Why would I “change horses in midstream?” (no, I don’t understand that idiom either) There is a simple explanation to that, and to tell you the truth, I’m relieved it is so simple. I recently had my site both appraised (dollar-wise) and assessed for content (intellectually-wise aka “wise”-wise). To my astonishment the results were,to me . . . INCONCEIVABLE. My site’s net worth was estimated at a measly $4000 something, but that wasn’t the real disappointment – as I’m not really “in this” for the money. (wink) No, it was where I ranked on “Intellectually-Valued Material” . . . Are you ready? Okay, it’s my funeral. The reports “claimed” that this “blog”, that I so highly tout as being presented to you by someone of infinite wisdom,highly advanced breeding and very good table manners is , in fact, written on . . . .“A Jr. High reading level”.Ain’t that a bitch?

Apparently, the mere fact that I don’t understand half of what it is I’m writing, a majority of the time, has been wasted on the people that I asked (free of charge) to accumulate and compile “reams” of reports presented to me via an email (which I still haven’t read completely) from these so-called “EXPERTS of Information“. First of all, What Schools are taking part in “Blog Reading” as a part of their formal curriculum? And Where are they? If you were to say China or Japan, I might buy it. Those are the types of Jr. High kids I think might be able to grasp the types of “weighty” subject matter I typically include in my efforts. Remember I’m a “PUBLIC SCHOOL BUS DRIVER!” I have access to Public School students on a daily basis and am relatively sure, that in a majority of cases, MY 4 year old reads at their level! She certainly, can “Out-Scrabble” my 18 year old . So whatever these folks were smoking, is obviously . . . very potent.

But to answer the question (from 5 minutes ago) the reason I’ve included visual stimuli for you the reader, is certainly not to “Dumb it Down”. From what I was told. (they’re fools, I say!) It’s already plenty stupid. No, my discerning friends it is to provide you a more Visceral Experience, while getting your “Go Figg’r“ on! In fact, it is because of the the rise of the need for “Instant Gratification” in society today that I’ve included not only my thoughts (Which are a “Treasure” all their own), but the added benefit for some of the “slower” in the bunch, to LOOK AT THE PRETTY PICTURES!

And isn’t that what I said I wanted to do from the beginning? I want to give you all a show! I thank you for being a part of this experience with me. This IS NOT my “Swan Song”! I think I learned enough about making those kind of proclamations from MJ, thank you. No, I’ll still write every couple days like I have been. I STILL want to be a “CELEBRITY” and think I might have a darn good shot at it if the right person gives me a shot. There are a ZILLION Blogs out there. I have no illusions. There are a lot of really talented and funny people out there. But like I’ve also said, “Blogging” ain’t really what I want to be known for. I want to make a difference.

To “the few” that I was talking about? Thanks for the comments. The rest of you that stumbled on to my “pet project”? Keep reading . . .I’m really just getting started. Subscribe to the feed, to me on Twitter and follow me wherever you can and whenever you can! Get the WORD OUT! This boy wants to PARTY! . . . But tomorrow. I get up a 4 AM. Nothing glamorous about that! But I do Make it LOOK GOOD! . . . Hey, I hear that Stephen Spielberg is remaking “Harvey”! Maybe he’ll give me Jimmy Stewart’s part! I might just get that “Sit Down With Spielberg” after all! Jimmy Stewart, heh? Might just get to “Lasso the Moon”, too. Buffalo Girls Won’t You Come Out Tonight? . . .

TIL THEN . . .”GO FIGG’R!”

Peace out-Later

Dan

(Keep Votin’,Give me a Holler or maybe a Dollar!) thank you

What I "Didn’t" Do on My Summer Vacation

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on August 19, 2009 by danof89

(warning: I’ve had a rough few days so enter at your own risk)
If only I’d thought of that first! No, not the guy looking for breath mints in the picture above. I rarely actually comment on the pictures I include in my blog, but I had to say a little something on an image, that to me, used to be what I fondly referred to as a “Typical Saturday Night”. I say “fondly” , because at least I would be wearing clothing and by all appearances it looks as if I made it to the “Correctly-Gendered Public Restroom”. That wasn’t always a given. I think I explained I used to get a little “crunk”, back in the day. Well, also at night and oft’ times pretty early in the morning while having a breakfast of 2 packs of smokes,Wheaties, and a 12 pack of the nastiest, most vile and subsequently cheapest “beer-related” product, I could scrounge up change for. I could usually get that polished off by noon, which is when they were “allowed” to begin selling alcohol again. Unless of course it was the bar I liked to frequent, by which I mean “LIVE IN”. That thing opened at 6 AM and was wonderful. They say it’s all about Location, Location, Location? The opportunity-seizing and entrepreneurial team of “toothless cousins” that owned the bar opened a Laundromat right next door. It’s name was “Soap and Suds”. For those of “us” that couldn’t make it from the bar stools to the washers and dryers to put our clothing on “Spin”, they offered accomadating waitresses (who were also toothless). They would dutifully and with great finesse, walk in there for you and plunk in your quarters, while getting you another drink or EXTREMELY LARGE Pitcher of Beer-related product. The beauty of the system was that the bar and laundromat shared an inside adjoining door connecting the two! The topper? There was yet another bar IN the laundromat! Talk about convenience, right? So when I say sometimes a few of “us” couldn’t make it to the appliances to change loads, we were IN the laundromat bar and just couldn’t . . . get up! We were dealing with our own “Spin Cycles”. Some just getting a little “dizzy buzz” going, while others were just in a “Rollin’ out the Barrel Roll” in life – dealing with a whole other “Downward Spin Cycle“. You following me Nancy Drew?

Some of you may be saying by now, “What the Heck? What happened to the goofy Go Figg’r, that not only, wasn’t based on any real sense of reality of which to speak, but had me rolling on the floor because of his zaniness and wicked sense of humor?” AND NO, I HAVEN’T BEEN DRINKING. Well, you might not be saying that, but I KNOW you’re thinking it. Unless you’re either “drunk right now” or “just aren’t that into me”. Truth is . . . I’m right here! I will always be here. But from time to time, I find it necessary to let you know what Go Figg’r is really all about. Yes, it’s entertainment (I hope), but it’s also making people feel good inside). I know I run the risk of losing readers, because being “real” is sometimes the last thing people want to do. There are a lot of funny and silly blogs that offer you side-splitting entertainment and non-stop hilarity and by and large, mine could be grouped in that category(by me and my mother). However, I would be a hypocrite if I didn’t try to do what it is I said I believe in. I said I want to make a difference and that’s what I’m gonna’ try to do.

The type of drinking I did “back in the day” isn’t what I was doing when I met my wife. By then I’d screwed up enough of my life to realize it had become somewhat of a “problem” for me. It might have been the numerous jobs I’d lost, relationships I’d ruined or the Christmas I spent in a homeless shelter by myself, because I’d drunk myself into eviction. Who knows for sure? As many cracks as I make about my wife and family, I’m fortunate that I ever found them and blessed they even chose me. I’m actually lucky they didn’t collectively kick me to the curb. But now that I’m a stand-up and model kinda’ guy-it’s evening back out! But my wife and kids hung tough and have during some “very” lean times. When we met 6 years ago, I had “kept it together” enough for a number of years to pass as a “Normal Person” only showing “glimpses of my past here and there. But it all caught up with me. The years of kicking the ever-living crap out of my body and unknowingly (because of denial) had started doing to them. When I got sick last year, it ALL changed. I realized I hadn’t only not been “Normal”, but had been cheating them and myself of my potential. I’d become complacent. . . But NOT. . . content. Just willing to settle and allow them to do the same.

Some may say after this long time not drinking, I probably have developed a low tolerance for alcohol. I wouldn’t know, I don’t drink anymore. I used to tell my folks, as I struggled with this in my twenties (spilling, literally and figuratively into my thirties) that very thing every week I talked to them – at a pay phone outside the liquor store I was getting my “lunch” from. I could do it and KNOW I wasn’t lying. I DIDN’T DRINK ANYMORE. . . Because, I sure as hell, didn’t drink any LESS. I DON’T care if people Party! I don’t even mind if people drink! If I hadn’t gotten so sick that it nearly killed me, it might be a different story today. I just found out sometimes that there are things in life that happen that show you what you are really “here” for. I had wasted enough of my life being “Joe 6 and a lot of times case-pack”. I Do have a low tolerance for alcohol now. That is probably true. But it’s because I don’t have a tolerance for people that choose alcohol or drugs over their friends and family. I was there and the alternative is so much more fulfilling. I lived it.

I am sorry for those of you that were looking for the laugh riot to which you’re used to. It will be back tomorrow, I promise. But, I had a young man “Tweet” me a few nights ago, and he needed my help. ME. I didn’t really understand what he meant. He stated that he had some problems and he wanted to ask me for some advice. Yeah, I know. Not exactly “My Thing”.But you’d be surprised how many “Drunks” I talked “off the ledge”, even during my drinking career. Anyway, this young man wanted to know if it was worth it. . . Quitting. He had read one of my more serious entries from a while back. He was just a kid, who had kids. He said he thought I was funny, and cool and LUCKY. I already KNEW I was funny and cool, but the last one kind of “stuck” with me. He said he thought I was in a position to help people and that I had a lot more going for me than a lot of people. I don’t know if this kid got the answers he wanted that night. I haven’t heard from him again. I know there was a reason he asked. I knew he was having troubles of his own. I won’t share everything that was said that night, but I came away from our “conversation” knowing, at least for that night, he and his kids were going to be alright. It IS worth it bro! So worth it, if those in your life become worth it to you!

I know I’m just a bus driver. I KNOW I want to be So Much More. But, I also know that I’ve told folks over and over that I want to make a Difference. If my story makes someone reassess their PRIORITIES in life and do whatever it is that helps them achieve that in any way, then I have. I’m gonna’ ride this pony until I achieve my dreams, but I also know that wouldn’t even be close to possible, had I not made this Life-changing Decision. Anyone that thinks they have a problem out there reading this? If you ask that,then you DO! If you don’t do it for yourself, do it for someone that Loves you. Because no matter how much you think you’re alone, I know for a FACT there’s SOMEONE OUT THERE THAT DOES!

I will be back with my usual antics tomorrow. I PROMISE. I just felt that with a platform, as minuscule as it is, I needed to do this ONE LAST TIME! (soapbox? . . . gone!)

Thank You guys for hearing this one out! (If you did – If not? Bite me!)

If you wanted comedy only tonight with no message? I KNOW not everyone’s read all my stuff. It’s timeless people! Go check it out! Otherwise, watch yourself undress in the mirror, always makes me laugh.

And for the people that drop my feed after this? You’re screwin’ the pooch!

. . . Back tomorrow with one that’ll make you crap your pants! (Because of the humor portion)

‘Til Then . . . Go Figg’r!

Peace Out-Later

D A N

How to Still Forget Your Anniversary…When it’s the 4th of July

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on August 20, 2009 by danof89

I was asked recently, “Hey Dan! (because that’s my name) How do you like kids ?” I was unsure how to respond, because the person asking was well aware that I “own” four of them. “I don’t know”, I responded, “How do you like my shirt?” How in the world do you answer something like that? And why am I asking you? That’s almost as ridiculous as his question. Let me see. . . I know I enjoy being a kid. If the question was directed more about my feelings towards those “little people” that scurry about and run into things and babble incoherently until they reach age. . .27? Then I guess I’d say, “They’re alright?” and Yes, it would come out as a question intended to deflect the original question from someone, who obviously needs to mind their own business and steer clear of angering me in any way, because I know where they live and have access to a “kid” that knows Bruce Lee Karate.

This style of martial arts (Jeet Kune Do) is known as the “formless style” . Which to me is exactly what it looks like when my oldest decides to flail around and intimidate his younger siblings into submission through a complex set of somewhat strange and frantic movements, that leave the “victim” incapacitated. They are left lifeless on the ground unable to move a muscle,because they have just seen someone look like a total dork for about 5 minutes and have spent nearly a half hour on the floor, laughing until they lose all control of their bodily functions, with a very rare fart/snort/gasp combo, rendering them – useless. This is actually about the same way that they entered the confrontation. So it’s really much ado about nothing.

Home invasion is one of the fastest-growing and most brazen forms of violent crime being perpetrated today in America. (what? . . . I read sometimes) Heaven forbid, such a meth-crazed perpetrator darken OUR doorstep someday. I’m not worried about myself, but for the perp. He will NOT know what hit him (usually a male between 14-17), because my son will unload his “Enter the Dragon” routine and I’m sure, leave the criminal begging for less. I know that I do. Especially when I’m forced to sit down for a “Kung Fu” marathon on one of the cable channels I’ve tried numerous times to tell my kids is “blocked”. But my two sons know how to crack ANY and ALL codes, no matter the level of intelligence I put behind it, to ensure they will be unable to view what all teenage boys want to watch . . . the History Channel. I’ve got good kids! So? I usually try some sort of cryptic letter/number combination that not evenRainman could crack if he went to Vegas with the illegitimate son of L. Ron Hubbard . But somehow they come up with it. It’s usually my initials and birthday.(I forget it otherwise) And these two “Einsteins” figure it out every time. I, on the other hand, am always at a loss when it comes to deciphering it, when a good Football game is on. My wife changes it on ME. It’s usually her initials and our anniversary . How is that even right? She makes me ASK her. Then I can’t enjoy the game because her death stare penetrates me like radiation through deep tissue. This is also a very effective tool for crime deterrent in our neighborhood. Someone breaks in, she looks at them like,“Don’t even think about it!” The next thing you know, the would-be burglar/rapist is volunteering at a soup kitchen (and loving it).

All Seriousness Aside. . .

To the gentleman that asked me, “How do you like kids?” I like them. I “own” a few and I enjoy being one. That only becomes a problem when it comes to “parenting” . You know, the other thing that just came to me?(slow mental reflexes from years of “self-emaciating” behavior; yeah… deprecating came later) The guy that asked me, worked where I DO. As a school bus driver! He actually asked me the other day in front of A LOT of people! I think I may be the victim of a “mole”. I think I may be dealing with a “plant” on my job site. A UNION member whose goal it is to eliminate a “weak chink” in the armor. All because I asked a simple question. We had a UNION REP come to talk to us NON-Union employees at work. There have been a lot of state budget cuts in California, as of late. She started her mind-washing tactics, by telling us that a “Memorandum of Understanding” would be brought up in September at a STATE meeting. Then she spent an hour talking about union stuff and a bunch of other CRAP. (I was lost after the memo thing – Go Figg’r) So at the end of her spiel, she said “Thank You, any questions?”. . .

My hand shot up. I’d been waiting for an hour and I had to get something out of this. “Yeah,” all eyes looking at me,”What the HELL is a Memorandum of Understanding?” . . . crickets. . . .Seriously, It’s like I “cut one” at a funeral. That’s EXACTLY WHY I will NEVER join the union! That’s EXACTLY why I don’t like being an adult!

Adults are WAY TOO SERIOUS! I didn’t like it as a child and when I really NEED a sense of humor about life, there are too few of us around. Sure it might explain my rather “eclectic” resume. Maybe that’s why I don’t like “stuffed shirts” or “the MAN” . Because they bore the ever-living crap out of me. I probably have had SO many jobs because I can’t take how SERIOUSLY people take their JOBS! I worked for a company that I won’t name (Best Buy), like 10 years ago. They would have a little “Rah-Rah Pow Wow and Kumbaya Session”every morning before they let “paying or potential-bottom line-raising guests” in the doors. I’m SO Sorry and I know that it puts food on the table, clothes my kids (now) and pays the bills–But IT’S A JOB! I WON’T hold hands with people I can’t stand looking at all day, in the break room and in the employee restroom! (part of not wanting to hold hands) But I don’t want to THINK about work, let alone, be AMPED about it! I want to be Happy about LIFE! To be honest, in ALL of my many mini-careers there have been different variations of this same agonizing, embarassing and humiliating type of ENERGY-ROUSING CRAPAROONI! But I couldn’t possibly name them all. (WalMart, K-Mart, several gas stations, numerous mall-related positions, hardware stores and a few restaurants – all since January)

I KNOW there are a lot of you out there that are saying. I LOVE my job! I couldn’t make it in life if I didn’t Love what I was doing for a living! Well good for you, Trudy! (she works in the office) It doesn’t always work out that way for some of us! the only way I can come remotely close to being that way with work is to BE A KID! If I don’t laugh at life, especially others, I’d go nuts! No one should take themselves or their jobs THAT seriously. If they do, it just makes it that much more funny to me! But before you all start trying to find out what school district I’m employed by and end my fun, let me assure you, I take the service I provide seriously. I take the kids safety seriously. I take Public welfare seriously. It’s just the rest of the Chuckleheads out there that make me shake my head and say. . . Go Figg’r!

So to answer the question Bert (a variation of Bart – - eh?..eh?), I DO Like kids! I LOVE mine! I can “tolerate” other people’s and I enjoy being one! Thank you for asking, now if you don’t mind I need to go sign my UNION card and change my shirt. Time to go to WORK. HA! FLIPPIN’ HA! Now give me the remote! There’s a documentary on Elvis coming on! Hiii-Yaa!

‘Til Then…Go Figg’r!

Peace Out-Later

If I Stop Talking to Myself,Who’s Gonna’ Watch the Kids?

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on August 21, 2009 by danof89

And that’s really the question now isn’t it? What to do with the kids? What to do with your kids? What to do with my kids? Who’s gonna’ watch all these kids while we’re out doing whatever it is we DO to make sure these kids are taken care of? Bathed once a week, educated in an underfunded and unappreciated educational system with so many budget cuts that the teachers are bumming lunch money from their students (when they’re not busy sleeping with them), and fed when we have a coupon for Sizzler and two of them are staying at a friends house? I think I might just have the perfect solution. I harken back to a day that seems to be lost, but has metamorphisized since I was a child, with the introduction of low cost and modern technology such as: PC’s (that stands for Personal Computers), Video Game Systems (such as Commodore 64’s and Sony DreamCasts) and of course the ever popular (laser disc systems and Video Tape Players). The world of the “Latch Key Child” seems to have been forgotten, but is reemerging and taking shape in our children. The very ones that are desperately in need of some sort of entertainment. It is obvious to me that this movement is occurring at precisely the right time and at a pivotal and decisive juncture in our Nation’s history. When the children seemed to be showing signs of apathy about their futures and were not offered enough in the way of cognitive stimulation, which can shape young minds and get us “Back on Track” as THE WORLD LEADER in . . . something.

Therefore, I would like to propose that when your children are complaining (as mine often do) that their is “Nothing for them to DO”, that you do what any responsible and busy parent should do in this situation. Set them in front of the Television. Oh Sure, sounds like the easy way out, but you’ll be doing them a favor. With crime rates at a staggering clip, you don’t want them going outside, do you? It’s merely a safety precaution and in the end, I’m SURE they’ll thank you for it. So I would like to introduce to you my very own:

TOP 10 BEST MOVIES . . . . EVER! (Go Figg’r style)

Just a note (a very LONG note): The results my be skewed by either my age, gender or social status. If you find this to be the case and don’t agree (for whatever reason) then . . . I’m SOOOOO Sorry, Fancy Pants! Until or unless YOU write a blog, providing such a valuable service and time-saving tool to the “Parents of the World” or one that I actually deem entertaining (or worth a toss), then we’re sticking with MY list, ‘kay? Now if I may. . . This list is subject to change (and often does) depending on what “mood” I’m in. Your results may vary (and most likely will). But it beats a babysitter and you can still watch it when you’re not busy waiting on the kids hand and foot. Incidentally, These happen to be my TOP TEN ALL TIME (without parental control) – even though in some critical moments you may want to distract your kids by pouring hot food on them or asking them to take out the trash. I offer the reasons for my choices from a pure “viewer-enjoyment” perspective. If you raise your kids differently. . . Good for you! Wanna’ plaque or something?

These are in no particular order:

#1 The Wizard of Oz (1939) – The Flying Monkeys thing, still scares the crap out of me! But what can you say? (nothing because this is MY bit) It is timeless. It has all the components needed to deliver the goods AND after watching it just last week, I have to say Judy Garland was “smokin’” back in the day! I’m not sure what happened to her later in life (yes, I am, I have “Biography”), but her daughter is a stone’s throw my friends!

#2 It’s a Wonderful Life (1946) – Jimmy Stewart was at his (Aw Shucks ma’am) best in this classic. I DO wonder sometimes why Clarence wore a dress when they pulled him out of the river. I guess it really was “groundbreaking” for its time. Mr. Potter is a TOTAL Ass! Makes me want to actually have dinner at the dinner table with the family after watching this. (almost)

#3 Psycho (1960) – The first one I mention that may involve sending kids to the other room. Especially if you have teenage boys. The shower scene in my childhood was almost erotic. Up until the whole slice and dice MURDER thing. If you don’t want to squirm, send them to try to start the lawn mower. The last scene of Perkins in the cell talking to his “mother” is priceless. But be sure, whatever you do, to BE GOOD TO YOUR KIDS! Don’t want to give them ideas.

#4 Star Wars-The Original Trilogy (1977,1980,1983) – Okay, I know what I said about sequels and this is one of the exceptions to the rule. You can sit the kids down and paint the house before this one is over though. I don’t need to get into the reasons for this choice. . . it’s STAR WARS. But, I will say that it’s a good “full circle” story, Harrison Ford was a Stud and the entire story could’ve been summed up in 3 Movies-instead of the torture that resulted with blasphemy and subsequent bastardizing via Lucas and crew in my adulthood . . . NEXT?

#5 Grease (1978) – It is not only the Time, The Place and The Motion. It is the Way that You’re Feeling! Am I right? Tell me I’m wrong. Either way Olivia Newton John was HOT. I’m feelin’ THAT! Travolta brought the goods as Danny and I’m not just saying that because I was an understudy to Zuko’s character in high school. (I never saw the stage) This movie was my introduction to “mooning” in 4th grade and as a result, should be a prerequisite for all kids, to avoid you having to explain it.

#6 The Shining (1980) – JACK. . . .KING. . . .KUBRICK I was going to leave it at that, but it occured to me if some poor sap is actually using this as a reference, I should let them know what to expect. What have you been under a rock? All I can say is that this movie inspired me to pick up MY very first reference book at the library. “The Donner Party, A Love Story”. Good Movie! Don’t let the kids see the 2 girls, the lady in the bathtub, or pretty much the WHOLE THING. I just Love the Movie!

#7 National Lampoons Vacation (1983) – Another “cover the eyes kids!” for the lovely display made by Beverly D’angelo. But other than that and a baloney reference and something about weed and french kissing your father, this is WHOLESOME Family Entertainment. I can’t fault Mr. Hughes (RIP) for bringing families everywhere together to compare notes and realize that we all have a cousin Eddie. Unfortunately, those of us that ARE Cousin Eddie don’t really “get what’s so funny”.

#8 Footloose (1984) – I’ve shared that I grew up a preacher’s kid. Very Strict Church! I wasn’t allowed to go to movies, dances or listen to Rock growing up. (this starting to come into focus for you yet?) So what was the first Movie I “snuck out” to see? Actually it was Children of the Corn, but this came out 2 weeks later. I bought the skinny leather tie, spiked my hair and was a complete TOOL until I turned 18. Then I became an ADULT TOOL . . . with a mullet.

#9 Stand By Me (1986) – Not your garden-variety King effort and Thank Goodness! This was an awesome coming of age movie, with SUPERB actors. Phoenix was great and I STILL miss his edginess and thoughtfulness. The “Fat Kid” does a wicked scientology spoof of “Tom Cruise”. But the story behind the boys was something that I think we can all hang on to. Simpler days and easier care-free times. As far as Kiefer? He was cool and I wish he’d kick Corey Feldman’s ass.

#10 The Breakfast Club (1985) – Another from the Master. I’ve already talked this one up since his passing, so I won’t get into it too much. But every time I see it I come away with something that I had forgotten about. No, not something NEW. I’ve seen this thing like a ZILLION times! But there’s a reason for that. It encapsulated a generation so seamlessly. And because of that my kids watch it, identify with it and we can all enjoy it. Now . . . . “Show Dick some Respect!”

You might be asking yourself, “Where are the Animated Movies?” Well, I DO like them. As some of you know, I actually want to CREATE some of these. But, with the industry somewhat oversaturated with these types of films, I wanted my list to only consist of “Live Action”. But what about “Kid’s Movies?” Again, that is what I deal with in my own efforts and putting them on a list with “The Shining” didn’t make a whole lot of sense to me. Again, My LIST-My RULES. What about “Newer Movies?” Dang, you ask a lot of questions. . .”Don’t YOU?” As I’ve stated, I don’t tend to go to movies, as of late. I don’t really see the point. When one finally and inevitably DOES arouse my curiosity, you’ll be the first to know. Sure, I’ve seen a few lately, but nothing worth mentioning. And I mean “MENTIONING” and “WORTH”.

Til Then. . . Go Figg’r

Peace Out-Later

Yeah? I May Throw Like a Girl, But I "Pitch" Like a MAN!

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on August 26, 2009 by danof89

All Seriousness Aside…

I did get a baseball scholarship in College. For the FIRST year. Seems you have to be good to get a full ride! But this isn’t about my athletic prowess. No, I’d like to focus your attention to the JUMBOTRON in Centerfield (up above). That is something that those of you that have read my bit, have probably seen before. At least I HOPE you have. It is another of my CREATIONS designed to be a part of an upcoming FULL LENGTH ANIMATED FEATURE FILM (concept drawings for something I want a studio to “get behind”). . .yeah, so anyway.

I’ll be the first to admit that my first “pitch” has fielded no offers from anyone “in the game”. So maybe I’m just a really good “pitcher”? Maybe it’s a little tricky to hit? Maybe you couldn’t get a good read as I “delivered” it? Maybe you thought it “sucked” and don’t want to take a “swing” at it because you’re afraid of a “foul ball” or “strike-out” ? I realize that of the “numerous” folks that have had the opportunity to look at my original “pitch”, I should have at least heard something from someone who thought there was “something there”. I get that I’m a “long shot”. But I also know that I’m a heck of a lot better at “this” than I was at baseball. So if I serve up a “meatball” maybe, just maybe, someone will take a “crack” at it. . . Or “ME”. . . Worth a shot, right?

So tonight, I wanted to serve up another “pitch” that I hope “someone” will read. That “someone” will like. So even if “this “ isn’t the “ONE”; it might just give me a shot at the “BIG LEAGUES”. Or, at the very, least get me “Out of the Hole”and “On Deck” so that I can be in the position to hit “A HOME RUN” in “THE BIG SHOW”! So you’ve seen the pictures (hopefully) here is the SECOND PITCH. It’s a rough draft for your consideration. ALL OF YOU. Not just “Steinbrenner”. And I “promise” never to put these many “words” in “quotes” again. . .

February 6,1971 Astronaut Alan Shephard, member of Apollo 14 sneaks a 6 iron aboard the US’s second moon landing rocket. A world watches in amazement as he hits two golf balls further than anyone could imagine here on earth. He plants our flag, again on the moon,(We get the golf reference,right?) and the astronauts return home. But is that where it ended? Really?

When the camera stops rolling for us back home, Shephard places a third ball down and takes a swing. Repeating the words he uttered for all of us. ” I hit that ball for miles and miles”. The ball never landed.

Unbeknownst to the crew on our spacecraft, someone else was watching that day. A small group of aliens watched in amazement as a new planet joined their tiny solar system orbiting our moon. (the golf ball)

3 tiny alien scientists discovered this “planet Titleist”. They looked at this as a sign that the “big green planet” was trying to communicate with them. They rebelled against the ruler of their home planet,the ruthless “Del” and the Revoltrons. They defy Del’s rule and move to Titleist. They quickly set up shop on the “planet” eagerly waiting for our return.

October 6,1978

After years of waiting patiently the beleaguered “Orbotz” run a hotel on planet “Titleist”. They receive a steady dose of goofy and oddball clientele. They enlist the services of the GURC’s Galactic Urban Rental Commandos to keep everything in order and try to keep the Revoltrons from taking over their little oasis. Mysteriously, they pick up a transmission from earth. “The Mike Douglas Show”, featuring a young and prolific “Tiger Woods”. They see young Tiger and decide that he is our leader, when Douglas says, “He might just take over the world”. Quickly the Orbotz get all the information they can on golf. They can only get vague information from earth and become consumed with building mini-golf courses, following the trend on earth in the 70’s and 80’s.

1980

On the Revoltron’s tiny planet a spy intercepts a transmission from earth to planet Titleist. It is the movie “Caddyshack”. The clumsy sadistic groundskeeper becomes their national hero and monuments are put up in homage to him. There battle plan is drawn up. They must destroy Tiger Woods and planet Titleist. Meanwhile, Tiger continues his rise through amatuer and pro and the Orbotz wait for a sign of his return. Both sides wait and wait.

2009

Tiger Woods gets a knee injury but wins the Masters. He decides to take a year off, gets married,struggles with his game and decides to take a couple years off to “get refocussed”. Seeing this as their opportunity at greatness, the Orbotz decide to return planet Titleist to the chosen one. They see an ESPN report.. “Is this the end of the road for Tiger or can he return to his world domination”. Orbotz goal? To help Tiger win the masters, the Revoltrons? To Destroy the Masters, and with it, Tiger and the Orbotz’ “perfect” world. They will use all of Bill Murray’s resolve and the Orbotz will need all of Tiger’s help to save them all.

RE: The holes in time can be easily explained. Golfers are notoriously patient. Watching golf has to be one of the most boring activities ever. I love the sport, but puh-lease! It can be tied into the joke of it all. They are watching Tiger like we watch golf. The earth is a ball Tiger rules, just like “Titleist” becomes theirs.

So that was it. . . No, I’ll never get Bill Murray or Tiger to participate (eh? . . .NO), but it’s the “concept” I want to get peoples’ attention. But Bill Murray WAS Part of my “Meatballs” reference. Did it work? (getting your attention, not the meatball thing. . . and it was a “movie” for those scoring at home) I just wanted it OUT THERE. I don’t like holding on too long to things, because someone inevitably comes by with a HUGE BUDGET and something a little too similar to my idea, and negates it. Haven’t you had that feeling? “Damn it!” I thought of “The Weed-Eater” when I was getting my back waxed. Or “Crap!” I was making Apple Turnovers when I came up with “Sham-Wow!” Then it comes out in like, a week? Yeah, me too. By the way, in my house those two activities were NOT gender specific.

Anyway, there you have it. The story behind “The Orbotz”. I’ve told you, I was a toy designer for a time and that doesn’t always mean good “story-teller”. I tell people I fancy myself both. I also fancy myself WEALTHY and PROSPEROUS, but you’ve got to start somewhere. Even if it’s at the bottom of the “lineup”. I hope you ALL make the connections now with the pictures you’ve been looking at these few weeks. As far as “THE WOBBLINS” and “THE WILLIES”? I think I might need to keep those bad boys on reserve for a while. Remember, my grand total for donations is a whopping. . . . Nada. And I’ve eventually got to be able to explain all the time I spend at “batting practice” to my “Skipper”. (yeah, my wife)

Hope you enjoyed the new “Pitch”. Hope we “Hit a Homer”! Hope I can look my kids in the face when I explain there are no presents this Christmas. . . .

Keep reading guys! Comments are Welcomed (and to be honest, almost NEEDED right about now) Thanks for your VOTES! TELL A FRIEND! and Help me explain THIS to the one wearing the “pants” in my family! Funny will BE BACK, but it’s MY BLOG! It can’t be all about YOU!

‘Til Then. . . Go Figg’r

Peace Out-Later

My Kingdom for Some Pepto!

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on August 27, 2009 by danof89

I’ve had more jobs than Ryan Seacrest and Regis Philbin, combined. When I make that statement, I’m not referring to the 16 that Ryan holds NOW or the record-setting 18 at one time held by the,not so long ago, “King of All things Marginally Entertaining”, Regis. Mr. Philbin, for those of us that think he’s old. No, I’m talking about in my existence as “One who fills out a W-4 and files taxes on a semi-regular basis.” (May I please note at this point, the statement immediately proceeding the parenthesis <– Was meant to be satyrical in nature. I do not wish to be audited,put in prison for a couple years, released, interviewed by a “rag” TV- show, then incarcerated again because my sister doesn’t like me. . . Richard Hatch! You continue to baffle me. No more of your tactical head games, PLEASE! You WON, but sadly now, my friend, you seem to be losing . . . badly) Indeed, if you’re still with me, I’ve had a bunch o’ jobs. Which, I guess, is pretty cool from a “having a lot of life-experience” perspective. As long as I don’t plan on any sort of pension, nest egg or money with which I can send my kids to college, I guess it could be considered the PERFECT CAREER PATH.

All Seriousness Aside. . .

You have to understand, I was almost positive that I was dealing with a little more “time” when it comes to saving for my kids education. That’s exactly why I don’t get all bent out of shape, every other year, when one or two of them get held back in school. . . again. Think about it. One extra helping of mac and cheese at the dinner table each week OR the cost of tuition at the finest community college that money can buy? I think I’ll chuck in the extra 16 dollars a month. And this way I can keep my eye on them until I determine they are “fit” to be released into the general population without constant supervision. It’s just “safer”. . . for all of us. . . believe me. At the current rate of their societal development, I track my 18 year old to be set for “early release” – well past Obama’s second term.

Don’t get me wrong. (I’m not even sure how that could happen) I don’t have “stupid” children. As far as children go on the smarts gauge (developed by Brigham Young University in the spring of whenever Steve Young graduated) I think they fall somewhere between “prophet” and “traveling salesman”. They’re actually quite bright . . . in theory. But also remember that as aPUBLIC SCHOOL BUS DRIVER , I have a pretty good idea of what’s out there in the way of competition. I have “access” to high school kids on a daily basis. (do not insert joke here) What I mean is, I see and interact with them everyday. But most importanty, I LISTEN to them.

I don’t want to draw a parallel between myself and the Janitor character in the “Breakfast Club”. I’m NOT the “Eyes and Ears of this Institution, My friends”. In fact, if anything I’m probably the “lower bowel” and “sphincter”. (You probably caught on to that from the start) But in this particular scenario, that one not withstanding, I have a better view than even some of the teachers out there who get the privilege of being with these “little souls” for more actual hours than I do. If I lost you at the “internal plumbing” reference let me explain so we can proceed. You’ll find that bodily functions can sometimes be a very effective tool in demonstrating the kind of s*** you have to put up with in life. I know I do. I’m the rear end (I think you already concur). The kids’ attitudes and behavior is the s***. The world these kids seem to find themselves entering is the toilet. Any further explanation will probably require a proctologist and some sort of certificate of completion for me from the American Red Cross. Right now all I have is CPR and First Aid. Unfortunately for the rest of us, some of the kids’ behavior and attitudes would fall somewhere between “Richard Hatch”(sorry bro!) and “Heidi Fleiss” in terms of remorse for their actions, conscience and moral compass. I’m afraid, some of them “Just don’t get it.” Before I alienate those that haven’t already been coated with Go Figg’r Napalm, and limped away saying, “My KIDS are GREAT, This Guy’s Miserable and I don’t have to listen to This Crap, What does He Know?” . . . I need to say, “Good for You, Not Always, True and More Than You Could Possibly Fathom.” And before you get “all bound up” yourself, ask yourself a simple question. Even if you don’t have kids, LOVE kids, hope to have kids, think your kids are the bomb. . . or whatever, have you ever been to the MALL? Tell me truthfully, even if the words haven’t come out of your mouth. YOU’VE seen a group of kids, even just a couple of them somewhere in a public place, unregulated, unleashed and out for blood. I know you have. And haven’t you said to yourself? “What a Pain in the Ass!” I don’t care WHO you are. I bet Mother Teresa said, on more than one occasion, “Isn’t there a Department Store Santa, available?”

If I’ve offended anyone . . . good. You SHOULD be offended. I AM. People are turning their kids loose with no respect for authority, no work ethic and generally no desire to be a productive member of society. Sure, it’s not ALL kids. There are a lot of wonderful kids in the world today. I just don’t have one right on the tip of my tongue. But I’m SURE not All is lost. It can’t be. (I’m not really, I just hope my kids are out of the house before Palin finishes her second term) Yeah, the future is THAT scary to me. But, I do vaguely remember MY parents saying something about “some” generation being a lost cause, ONCE. I even remember hearing somewhere that this type of thing may have been going on from generation to generation since like, the 60’s or something! I know, that’s a LONG TIME.

Whatever happens with our nation’s youth (and I assume those in Canada) I hope kids become more than just “One Big Societal Bowel Obstruction”. I’m doing MY part. They say please, and thank you, and excuse me and EVERYTHING. And those are the kids on the BUS. My kids . . . let’s just say I’m working on it. How old is Palin’s daughter? I was confronted with the future of America today face to face. When she saw me, she hoverounded her old ass back across the crosswalk.

‘Til Next Time. . . Go Figg’r!

Peace Out-Later

OMG!. . . Exactly! Now Shut Up, I’m Praying Here!

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on August 29, 2009 by danof89

I think I mentioned early on in my endeavors to entertain and enlighten, that one of the things I would NOT be discussing in my blog is religion. . . I lied. What? You can’t hold me to everything I say! If there’s one thing I learned from a very young age it’s that if you allow them to, people will let you down. That’s exactly why the only people that I’ve ever allowed to “let me down” in my life are “carnies”. I’m not a real big fan of heights. The “carnies” are a group of people in this world that probably need to find a religion in the worst possible way and probably as soon as possible. I’m thinking right after they’re done shooting heroine and smoking crack behind the “Tilt-a-Whirl”, I might start my own church. In the wake of the recent deaths of some CELEBRITIES, I started to assess what I think is a problem facing a lot of us today. I think it probably became most evident to me when I was TOUR BUS GUIDE TO THE STARS! over the summer. It’s nothing new. CELEBRITIES biting off a little more than they can chew, getting caught up in addiction and depression and “cashing it in” too soon. But when I was giving the “tours” in Hollywood, I started finding it a little depressing when I would tell the folks from around the world. “There’s where River Phoenix died, John Belushi had his last meal of lentil soup there, Marilyn Monroe decided to cause Conspiracy Theorists to “sport a chubby”, when she bought the farm by overdosing in that home, Anna Nicole Smith, Michael Jackson, yada, yada, blah blah”. We’re talking a long list. There is No reason for THAT MUCH concentrated stupidity. Didn’t they ever have a normal “hobby”?

It’s not just the DEATHS that have occurred to HOLLYWOOD that have me shaking my head. It seems to be the utter lack of BELIEF. . . in ANYTHING. I think that the SCIENTOLOGISTS hanging around in all their creepy glory should not be included. When I say BELIEF, I’m referring to something that doesn’t refer to “XANADU” or “XENU” or “XAVIER University” as the SUPREME BEING. I don’t want to go to a church that makes you recite all of Mork and Mindy’s final season verbatim, perform a secret handshake after you cleanse your “Thetan” (which I think can be done with a high colonic – and then, do you really want to be shaking anyone’s hand?) Or be a part of a “religious service” including tractor beams or turning my spouse into a “Stepford Wife” (Hey Tom! How’s that whole divorce thing playing out? Do the ELDERS think she is unworthy of your “exteriorization”? That sounds like something Sherwin Williams should be able to help you out with.) As far as the “Stepford” thing, it’s really more a matter of the whole thing “wearing off”. But to be honest, I’m not even on the Scientology Radar (yes they have one) until I become a CELEBRITY (early next year). I currently don’t have the necessary “fundage” to climb aboard the Mother Ship. I wonder if Tom thought filming “War of The Worlds” was a spiritual journey? After seeing it, I can tell you I had some sort of “epiphany” for sure. Never watch a Tom Cruise movie again and tell Spielberg to give me a call next time he’s that hard up for material. (I’ve tried . . . I don’t think he can swing his phone bill.

Operator says the number’s disconnected.)

All Seriousness Aside,

RELIGION: I believe in it. It is an interesting concept and there seem to be a lot of them to choose from. Some are tailor-made to suit your mood at a particular stage in your life. Some of them seem to fit conveniently with your given lifestyle choices. In both instances, I view these as WRONG for you. There are still a lot of people out there that decide which religion is the right one for them, by how little it will interfere with their every day practices. Whether it be at work, at play or depending on if it occurs between Tuesday through Friday or Saturday night when the bars close. These folks: the “If it feels good-do it” crew, may have some of the best intentions in the world. I don’t know. I tend to hang out with the “If it feels good-don’t even think about it” crew. We may be viewed as a lot more “boring”, but are less likely to be incarcerated, die of a drug overdose or be caught with children we hide for years in tents in our back yards, claiming they are our daughters so that we can fulfill a perverse need for control of someone because we want Satan to give us first dibs on “Hitler, Dahmer, Mengele or Manson (Charles or Marilyn) as our roommates with a room overlooking “Eternal Hellfire Bay”.

I’m one of “those” that choose to believe that there is a Heaven and a Hell. But I’m also one of “those” that would like to think God is a forgiving one, who gives us a little “wiggle room”. I think we are allowed to make mistakes and often do, because of the fact that we were given FREE WILL. However, I think there are a lot of folks out there that decide to push his buttons and “fudge it” a little, testing that limit beyond the pale. My bottom line is that I think God is forgiving and merciful, but if you think you’re going to go through life here doing whatever you want with no repercussions, you may be in for a rude awakening when the big guy looks at you and says, “Yeah. . . I think we’re going to have to pass on this one. . . Next?”

But how does this pertain to CELEBRITIES? How does this pertain to YOU? What the hell do I know? That’s the beauty of my belief system. I don’t make that call. The thing I see going on in this world isn’t just with CELEBRITIES; it’s going on everywhere and everyday with everyone. It’s just that when I see STARS succumbing to their “demons”, I see it playing out on a grander, more visible scale. I’m not saying I think any of these guys are going to HELL. Again, that’s not my call. But, I think in most cases there wasn’t a good coping mechanism in place. I HAVE NO CLUE, why these guys and gals, with apparently so much to live for, decided that drugs were the best thing to believe in. Actually, I DO. Drugs or whatever feeds an addiction is ALWAYS THERE. It is a comfort. It is a steadfast ally in a world you can’t make any sense out of.

Sad, really. A lot of people give so much power to something because it’s the “Quick Fix” to whatever it is that is bothering them. Would have been a lot easier, in my estimation to put your faith in something that “gives life” instead of “snuffing it out“.

GOD: I don’t care what people decide is there God. As a Christian (okay, I said it), I think that’s actually probably viewed as a “secular” point of view. Let me explain. I think we’re all on this earth for the same reason. That is to get beyond “This World” to begin our lives in the “Real World”, after this one (in my mind? heaven – Not Planet XANADU) There are so many Religions out there and so many people killing one another for what they “Believe” to be their GOD. If ANY of them stopped for ONE SECOND and thought about what they were doing or what THEIR GOD would REALLY want, it wouldn’t be happening. But it is, and it has as long as we’ve had a recorded history. Whichever history it is you choose to adopt as the truth. That’s another thing. Why do we have so many different versions of historical events? My best guess is because we’re human. Again that FREE WILL can also easily lead to “a different point of view”. A Lot like the ones that most of you have versus what I’m sharing with you . . . right now.

No matter what you decide to believe in, I think it’s important to BELIEVE. There are those sorry saps that say they don’t believe in a HEREAFTER or they don’t accept a GOD. Well, I can only say, “It Sucks to Be You!” What an empty existence. Sure, they may live their lives NOW thinking everything is groovy. They might be RICHER than RICH, have a lot of friends and outwardly, have it “All Figured Out”. But I think it would be a really empty way to go about things in life. Not thinking that there is anything after “this”? I may be poor, but I can tell you that when the “chips are down” or I feel like ‘this’ is a little bit more than I want to be dealing with in life right now; it becomes a lot more “tolerable” when I realize “THIS” is temporary.

I DON’T Know it ALL. But I think I know enough to realize those that say the folks in Africa and those in 3rd world countries that never heard of Jesus or had a chance to talk to a Missionary are “going to hell”, are WRONG. I think Muslims believe in THE EXACT SAME GOD that I do. I think that the Native Americans that believed in a God for every natural occurrence that happens never sat through a Catholic Mass, might just be alright (and VERY lucky). Muslims, Buddhists , Hindus and even JEWS are going to be alright, as far as I’m concerned(then again, Yeah…not my call, but this IS my blog). Would I like everyone to believe the same way that I DO? It WOULD make things a lot less complicated, but we wouldn’t have an opportunity to get that “different point of view”. As long as people continue killing each other in an obvious display of “man’s” stupidity and hypocrisy, we’re NEVER going to be on the same page.

People will continue to die alone in their apartments with a Crack Pipe. Icons will still die alone in bed, while their handlers try desperately to hide evidence before attempting to revive them. Rising stars will still slump over in a lifeless heap alone in the gutter, amidst a “crowd of friends“. People that make us all “laugh” will go back to their hotel room and die alone, choking on their own vomit . . . Life “HERE” will go on. Because “they’ve” already found out what we all have been killing each other and ourselves over for years, to find out. If we could all just have a little “Faith”, then maybe THIS LIFE, wouldn’t be so overwhelming and we’d be able to enjoy the ride . . . together. And not have to figure it out . . . alone. Until, the time inevitably comes when we have to ask the “carnie” to LET US DOWN. . .

‘Til Then. . . Go Figg’r!

Peace Out-Later

Apple Juice Recipe

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on September 1, 2009 by danof89

Apple Juice Recipe

Shared via AddThis

I have NO idea why this is posted, other than a reader wanted me to read his blog and I obliged. What I do for fans! Don’t get your hopes up though, I usually work without props. But you are free to check out his site. It’s probably more informational, but not half as relentlessly annoying, while maintaining a certain poignancy. . . I know. . . Sometimes I don’t even buy my OWN crap.

Back tomorrow with some scintillating stew! That’s another recipe I dug up! Delicious!

Til Then. . . Go Figg’r!

Peace Out-Later

D A N

I’ll Never Run Out of Things to Say. . .Only People to Listen

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on September 3, 2009 by danof89

So I’ve lost some readers as a result of not having written anything in a week. My bad. I forgot that this was really all about YOU. I don’t mean to verbally spank those that have moved on to the next flavor of the week, but I don’t do Fickle. Wishy washy doesn’t washy with me and if you can’t keep it together until I get a free sec to “think”, then maybe you should move on to “greener pastures”. It may be more lush in the yard next door, but that’s because it’s full of dog crap. To be honest, there has been a Huge GOOSE EGG in the ol’ donation basket. Sometimes the service needs to go on without Sunday School. The collection plate was sent off to be polished in order that the congregation might have the chance to think about their sins and repent. I’ve had a new sermon in my pocket (in fact, a few of them) for days. But, I needed to go out amongst you sinners with my message of hope, healing and a brighter tomorrow. Translation: Because everyone is hoarding their funds like Bruce Jenner hoards large-assed Greek women, I had to go back to “work”.

Often times, by the end of the day I can barely keep my kids’ names straight (which, generally doesn’t matter, because we rarely speak) So how can I be expected to craft a literary work that YOU expect, without putting out drivel? (note: I didn’t say that you deserve, I am apparently providing you with limitless free entertainment) Well it’s free anyway. Believe me, my wife reminds me of that DAILY. But I wouldn’t want to read a hodgepodge of gobbledygook. So I guess it really is about ME after all. Great! I was getting worried.

I was recently talking to a friend. He said that anybody can be funny once, maybe even twice. Even though I disagree wholeheartedly with that assessment (to me Carrot Top and Gallager were never funny), the thing is I’m funny all the time! He said he thinks “the CHOSEN ONE” out there that I’m waiting for to “discover” me is waiting to see if I “run out of gas”. I’ll NEVER run out of things to say. . . Maybe just people that will LISTEN. I’ve just been waiting for that “someone” to take notice. If “someone” doesn’t pretty soon, I’m going to track “someone” down and kick “someone’s” ass.

For those of you who I lost by offering up my look at God and Religion (notice, I said nothing about spirituality) You suck! I wasn’t trying to say that my way of thinking was “right”. I just meant that MOST peoples’ are wrong. I know that some of you think I haphazardly slap some random crap together and stamp it with a Semi-humorous and thought-provoking title and call it a day. (On a good day, that’s just about right) But more often than not, it is a carefully-worded, meticulously-crafted, finely-tuned and put-together-with-love production, which literally takes me HOUR (not a typo) to put together. All in the hopes that I can share a little bit of what it “is” that I’ve “got” in life. (Because I’m sure as hell not going out like this alone. I’m taking some of you with me!)

Truth of the matter is . . . I’ve been tired. I’ve been unable to conjugate verbs or put together a single cohesive thought, for the last few days. So I’ve been peddling my “brand” of humor on TWITTER. In fact, I only have to come up with thoughts there that consist of no more than 140 characters at a time (including spaces) ! I just celebrated my 100th follower. For me. . . a milestone. (My latest is Lady GaGa, but by the time I finish this, she will probably realize she’s made a horrible mistake or take her Twitterberry back from her “roadie”) Last night, I sat and thought what the implications were of wielding that much power. So I put the word out. Any of my followers, that were interested, needed to be fond of jogging suits, Nike running shoes and REALLY dig lime jello shots. So far. . . no takers. I think they may be getting the wrong idea. I’m really into Civil War reenactments and you’ve got to know how to party with that crew!

For those of you that don’t know what TWITTER is or how it works. . . well you need to “stay in” more often. What? Do you guys have LIVES or something? I can answer that. . . No, because you’re reading THIS. It’s basically like if “Texting or Instant Messaging” met “A Chain Letter on Crack“.(I love this clip) It is a very addicting pastime that can ruin relationships, cause difficulty at work and quite possibly unravel the moral fabric of society (Even though, I’m pretty sure that happened in the 80’s) In other words in terms of sheer addiction, I should probably start looking for a sponsor and hit a few more meetings.

Looking back and reading this post, I’d have to say I’m not sure it qualifies as a legitimate entry. It seems to be riddled with excuses and is fairly steeped in “heavy-laden” qualms. So in essence, maybe I should count this one, back after a week off, as a “Freebie”. . . Again, I’m back to pleasing YOU. If codependency were a drug, I’d need more meetings. I’m even critiquing the blog “FOR YOU”, before it’s finished. . . . I’m just afraid you’d get it all wrong.

That reminds me, I just found out that “Neurosis” is no longer a medically recognized term. Who decided that? I want to know? Immediately! I want to know who’s responsible and will not REST until I get my word BACK!

May Not write tomorrow. Go Figg’r! Actually it’s my daughter’s birthday. She’ll be 5. We went shopping for her birthday yesterday. I told my wife if I could have picked, it would be a day after payday instead. She didn’t laugh either. I never know what to get a child, especially a girl. I hope she likes potatoes. . .

‘Til Then . . . Go Figg’r!

Peace Out-Later

Danof89. . . 20 Years of "Not Letting it Go"

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on September 5, 2009 by danof89

I am a “product” of the ‘80’s. Yes, I was born in 1970, but I hold onto the ‘80’s as the decade that really introduced me to “this world” and ushered me in as its POSTER BOY FOR UNDERACHIEVEMENT . I look back fondly on that 10 years of my nation’s decadent, neon-clad, irreverent and often over-accessorized past as some of the best years in my nearly 40 spent on this “Spinning Sphere of Those Not Really ‘Busting a Move’ in Life, like Yours Truly”. And in all honesty, of the 4 decades that I’ve spent on this planet, which would you decide to embrace? The 70’s ? Not only, was the War still going on in Vietnam until kindergarden (and who knows how long after that, according to Chuck Norris and Rambo), but we hated Russia. Russia? The inventors of Boris and Natasha and Ivan Drago? How is that even right? I’m still not really sure about the bad blood between us, but I think it really had more to do with a Vodka embargo and some sort of Russian Gymnast fiasco. Neither here nor there, at this point, as I’m more than willing to call the 70’s a wash. I found it boring. With the exception of a little movie, towards the tail end, that set the 80’s up as The “IT” Decade.

I’m not really sure what generation I really even am supposed to claim. I don’t think I’m Generation X. (Although, according to the Wikipedia, I am – And I tend to not disagree with the information contained in that, as it seems to be compiled from outside sources that could not possibly be filled with as much CRAP as I think they are). I think they are younger and are into more things that involve extreme sports, Raves, mosh pits, and anything else requiring heavy doses of amphetamines or large quantities of Caffeine to participate in(sorry). At the very least, if they aren’t strung out on some sort of “speed” or “upper”, they DO things. And I’m fairly certain MY generation is known as the one that didn’t do ANYTHING. I Know I’m not a baby boomer. I came to be around the time that FREE LOVE, started costing a little bit more. My siblings are “Boomers”. I was adopted as a baby and introduced to a family of whose idea of “fun” was to get married straight out of high school, get a career going, start a family and retire by age 65. Now that I think about it, that sounds like a pretty SOLID plan. I think I got my order screwed up during a job fair my junior year. I FEEL more like a “GEN Y” kind of guy. For the simple fact that, since I was a child, I questioned everything. I know that’s not really the Wikipedia definition or requirement, but it meets MY criteria and I’m really starting to get annoyed by Wikipedia. (They wouldn’t accept “Go Figg’r” as a legitimate entity and said it wasn’t submitted by an objective 3rd party) First of all. They suck! Secondly, I think they REALLY suck! And Lastly, if it’s to be submitted by an “Objective 3rd Party”, I’m not sure I want to be involved anyway. “Objective” sounds like someone has a problem with you, right off the bat, and “3rd Party”? All the COOL kids went to the “1st Party” anyway. The “3rd Party” sounds like the one where we all stood around drinking punch, waiting for our parents to pick us up. Couldn’t even go to the “2nd party”, because my friend’s brother had to work at Burger King and we couldn’t find a different ride. So Wikipedia?. . . Probably invented by a “Gen X-er ” all hopped up on mini-thins and “Jolt” Cola?. . . I retract my submission. You can kiss my butt! I’m waiting for a Gen Y-er to come along and invent a website devoted to debunking and destroying everything you built under the tarp in your backyard, when I thought you were building a “half-pipe”. If my generation can just figure out how the heck we got so screwed up in the whole “priorities” department, we’ll get all over that . . . I’m sure. Now that I think about it. I think I’m somewhere between Generation “X and Y”. What do you call that? I guess you probably call it incredibly confusing.

My Brothers and my sisters are “Boomers”. My kids are like “Z-ers” or something. “Y” probably wants little to do with me. So I get stuck . . . in the 80’s. The decade that could never make anyone upset, except Tipper Gore (she doesn’t look at Al like that) and people that liked “The Edge of Night” (cancelled in 1984). But Oh, the Music. I LIVED for My MTV! I loved David Lee Roth! (in a purely hero-worship, sort of way) I loved checkered painter hats and matching “Vans”. (though I had a Payless Shoes knock-off) I loved my Sunglasses at night (but also during the day, early morning and sometimes around dusk-depending on weather conditions or the lighting in a room). I loved buttons.(Even though I think that was supposed to be more of a girl thing) I loved the TV shows. I loved my MULLET. I loved girls with BIG BANGS. I loved Glam Rock.

You know where this is leading don’t you?

Yes. . . a “To Be Continued”

One of the Best Movie Franchises to come out of the 80’s was “Back to The Future” and did they ever “get my goat” in ‘85, with that sequel nonsense. . . I hope I got yours. And I hope you come back. I leave you with a few photos of Danof89 (me) through the years. I hope you enjoy and can see that the 80’s were all about where my “head” (or at least my ‘hair’) has been . . . for 20 years, and No “Letting Go” in sight. I’m a lot like Cher in that regard.(well maybe not a lot. And I only mean about changes in hairstyle – yeah, REALLY) Every other decade pales in comparison. Danof89 has been my “handle” in one form or another since I graduated high school. ‘89 was the year and the beginning of Go Figg’r. At least the beginning of what would become my “outlook” on the world we all share. I’m not hanging on to the past. I just like keeping it around for “fun”. Be Back soon with Part 2 and I promise it will be better than that Zemeckis crap. . .

‘Til Then. . .Go Figg’r!

Peace Out-Later

Ain’t Nothin’ Comes Between Me and My 80’s. . .Especially the 90’s!

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on September 7, 2009 by danof89

My 80’s! That’s Right, I said it! I understand that when I speak about the 80’s like they were some sort of “Enraptured” Event, it may tarnish the reputation I’ve worked so long to nurture and foster with those of you that assumed, I was actually “semi-sane”. But for the rest of you, that are just now joining the “ride”, allow me to let you in on what you’ve been missing. A brief overview of The Real Goings On here at Go Figg’r! For starters, I am probably both clinically insane and depressed. If you need more info than that, You will have to START AT THE BEGINNING. It’s only like 3 Months of entries. You could easily knock ‘em out in the same time it usually takes you to pluck your nasal hair or ask a relative for money. (I’ve timed them both)

I am currently talking about why I feel that the 80’s were the end-all-to-be-all of decades and in my estimation, the only reason this world didn’t drive off into the ditch 20 years ago. Granted, we would have still needed to find a way to pass the time for ten years in its absence, but we didn’t. So we were given the “gift” of a “Decade Without Limits”. A Lot was packed into that 10 years. Luckily, I remember most of it. The 90’s seems to be the decade I’m a little “fuzzy” on. And Luckier still, I am NOT going to make you relive every little thing I think was special about the 80’s. There are whole websites and VH1 weekend marathons devoted to that sort of crap.

But. . . I promised a sequel to my previous entry. And if we’ve learned anything from my previous discussions, Sequels tend to be weaker than the original, but necessary in bringing the story full circle. Or in my case, something to do on a Labor Day Monday, because it’s so HOT outside, my kids don’t want to go out and play unless I pay them. Usually, they are begging to be released from captivity, and we are more than happy to oblige, during daylight hours. During the Night, our “Neighborhood” resembles something out of Billy Idol’s “Dancing with Myself” Video. (I think the guy about ready to kill his wife with the sledgehammer, lives next door.) So I’ve decided instead, to point out a few things about the 80’s, that I found memorable or somewhat enjoyable. As a counter, I will provide something that we are trying to substitute for it today — and in turn, mocking its glorious memory, in a thinly-veiled and pathetic attempt to relive a decade lost forever by trying to give our children a taste of what it was like to grow up in a World that Doesn’t Suck THIS Bad. Between the two, I will offer my “take” on what I consider the transitional “bastard cousin” to both, that reared it’s head in the 90’s. I know my list is skipping a lot of possibilities. . . That’s it, I know they’re missing. . . What? I’ve got a quasi-life ya’ know! Everybody get how this is gonna’ go down? You’ll catch on. . . enjoy!

Musicians/Performers:

Madonna (oh, my) – Britney Spears (Oh, My!) – Lady Gaga (Oh, no)

Michael Jackson – Michael Jackson – Michael Jackson

Metallica (hell yeah!) – Pearl Jam (okay, I’m getting older) – Cold Play (not THAT old)

On My TV:

Hospital Shows: St. Elsewhere (Mandell with hair) – ER (Clooney rocks) – Grey’s Anatomy(What the Heck is this McCRAP?)

Token Black Comedies: The Cosby Show (of course) – Rock (still keepin’ it real,but can’t find a pic to save my life. . . shame, good show) – Everybody Hates Chris (Okay the 2000’s have had a good one, NOW, where’d everyone else go. . . and now THIS is over. Quick! somebody call the WB or the CW!)

Cop Shows: Hill St. Blues (classic) – NYPD Blue (“ass?ick!” ) - Law & Order (caustic)

The REAL Reality Shows: The Simpsons (Doooah!) – Beavis and Butthead (anything for a cornholio shout-out!) – Family Guy(My kids can NEVER be allowed to watch this, even when THEY have children)

Movies I paid Cash Money to See: (excluding chick flicks)

Up and Comer Spotlights: The Outsiders (1983) – Young Guns 2 (Young Guns 1 would’ve been on the list but, it was ‘88) – Twilight (2008-I never really saw this, but I wanted chicks to read the blog)

Buddy Comedies: Ghostbusters (1984) – Men at Work (1990) – Clerks (2000) You’ll notice the latter two movies came out at the beginning of their respective decades. Anything trying to inch its way back towards the 80’s was alright with me.

Horror: The Shining (1980) – Scream (1996) – SAW (1-19) (2004 – Whenever People Get Fed Up With The Crappy Concept)

Oscar Worthy (?) and my opinion of if they should’ve been: Gandhi (1982 -no, Ben Kingsley is a schmuck) – The Silence of the Lambs (1991 -yes,are you kidding me? Jodie Foster is HOT) -Slumdog Millionaire(2008 -yes,Because I have a following in Mumbai, and if “this” doesn’t work out, there’s always Bollywood)

actors with “issues”: Jack Nicholson (loved golf clubs) – Christian Slater (loved drugs)-Christian Bale(loves himself)

Comedians (I once thought funny): Robin Williams (take care of the ticker, that was a lot of blow) – Jim Carrey (just stopped caring, huh?) – Jack Black (I take it back, you were never funny)

Screwed up Actresses: Drew Barrymore (turned it around like a champ. You GO Girl!) -Winona Ryder(don’t care) – Lindsay Lohan (what can you say, I mean really?)

Athletes: Michael Jordan – Michael Jordan – Nobody

Fashions: (I’ve got no idea, because I like sweatpants)

Women’s Pants: Pin-rolled or “pegged” jeans – ripped jeans – skinny jeans

Mens Hair: The Mullet – The “Caesar” cut- I’m not sure, I’m rockin’ a mullet again

Presidents (Wow): Ronald Reagan – George W. Bush – Barack Obama

(I’m not really sure what to make of this “progression”, but it makes for a lot of comedy!)

So there you have it folks! As far as I can see, the last 20 years have provided me with little hope for a “brighter” tomorrow. I understand that with age, comes responsibility, but I’m not going to take responsibility for the direction that this world has taken. I’ll just worry about my wife and kids and be over here, minding my own. The rest of you guys are still welcome to come along on this “Journey”. I’m sure “Someone” is bound to perk up and realize my value to ENTERTAINMENT, CELEBRITY and all things that don’t suck as much as what we all have to face on a daily basis. . . nowadays.

‘Til Then. . . Go Figg’r!

Peace Out-Later

Just a note: No, Estevez’s or Sheen’s paid for this bit. Thank you

How To Childproof Your Home in 30 Minutes or Less. . .

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on September 10, 2009 by danof89

. . . Don’t Have Any!. . . Let’s see, that took about 3 seconds. Now, what are you gonna’ do for the other 29 minutes? Hurry Up, time’s a wastin’! . . .40, 39, 38 . If I were you (thank God, I’m not), I’d start by planning something really fun. Like starting a daycare or coaching a “Pee-Wee” athletic team. . . Oh, you don’t want to deal with children? Neither do I. So then maybe you would enjoy a more “grown up” activity. For instance, I have been planning a way for my life not to “suck”, and as it stands, this is more time-consuming than one might think. (Well it is in mine. There’s the movers. The caterers and it’s hard to find good valet) But, I’m thinking the plan will be multi-dimensional, multi-tiered, multi-layered, multi-ethnic but most of all. . .complex. As I’m sure that anything that could enhance my future in any way is worth the considerable effort involved. I originally thought I might be able to discover something that required little, to NO effort , but have found that those things are usually scooped up by CELEBRITIES or POLITICIANS. If you think that I’m lying or making a “false claim”, then why do so many actors become politicians? Don’t tell me it’s because they want to “give back” to the community. That’s the same flimsy excuse CELEBRITIES, that couldn’t possibly find any one to Vote for them, use when they get a nice “photo op” at the homeless shelter or are seen on TV handing a “big ass” check over to a charity. It’s all about the attention (and possibly trying to “buy” a way in to the pearly gates). Oh sure, they’ll say, “I wanted to lend my name to a “worthwhile cause” or they might plunk down a sizable chunk of (tax-deductible) change, but who are they doing it for. . . really? It’s like, “Hey! Look at me! I’ve still got some “juice” up in this bee-otch!” or “I’m not really a washed up Action Star – - I’m Dah Guvenaa of Caleefownya AND I mareed a Shrivaa/Ken-aa-dee“. I didn’t vote for you chucklehead! And you’re not really helping me out in the whole “life not sucking” department. I’m sure there are a lot of you out there saying,”It can’t be THAT bad. Why is he always complaining?” and “I think I might just find something a little more uplifting to read”. My response? (you know you want it) “YES, in fact it is”. “Because this is STILL My Bit”. and “Be my guest. The backspace key is in the upper left hand corner. Don’t get a ‘pop-up’ on your way out”.

I know! Better yet, I could talk about how much “Your Life” sucks. That be good?

I had a lady, who will remain nameless, unless some of you decide to investigate my “Twitter History” that I recently offended (Last night, after 8PM) I’m not sure how I did that. I consider myself fairly opinionated, but only because my opinion is generally the “correct one”. So I was taken aback when this “person” took issue with my stand on “Animal Rights” . She introduced a video (which I will not share here, but to which you are welcome to view – should any of you decide to investigate my “Twitter History” That was 9/9/09 After 8PM Pacific) She is apparently a vegetarian. (okay) Wanted people to look at a video (I did) I assume, wanted me (and several others) to get on board with “not killing animals for food” can’t speak for others, but for me? (not gonna’ happen)

I UNDERSTAND why people choose to be vegetarian or vegan. I admire their conviction and principals. (but won’t list them all, because this isn’t her site-already wasting valuable “fun planning” time). I also agree with PETA on some issues. When they say there are alternatives to fur and leather, for instance. I do not condone the mistreatment of domesticated animal or wild animals in anyway. I’ve seen the zoo and circus videos. I’ve seen stuff done to cats overseas that would make you shudder in horror. I stopped hunting and fishing at an early age, because I found no “Joy in the Kill”. If I wanted to regress, I’d listen to “Cat Scratch Fever”. Ted Nugent IS an Extremist . But I think classifying an animal in the same category as a human being is preposterous. I saw my father die. I’ve been there when loved ones have died. I’ve been there when I had my childhood pet “put down” because he was dying, to ease his suffering. But I’ve also seen “slaughterhouse videos” and endless animal rights videos. Yes, it’s disgusting. Yes, it’s awful and YES they’re ANIMALS. . . It’s NOT the SAME THING. I believe an animal has a spirit. I believe that spirit can move on to an afterlife. I won’t get into biblical teachings, because I’d lose my other half of the readers. But a PERSON has a SOUL.

But, some might say,”You can’t have it BOTH WAYS.” Sure, I can!. . . and I sleep just fine at night, as long as I didn’t put too many onions on my “burger” . (ouch) It was even said that I “choose to be misinformed in an ‘Age of Information’“. Maybe, I just choose to believe differently. But I’m typically not “smug” about it. I don’t like to get caught up in “extreme ideology” , because that leads to contempt of character. I told this lovely lady last night, the following; Do with it what you will. “Those that can’t SEE it ALL, Can’t See AT ALL” And so, because I DO have kids, I need to childproof my home. So, I guess my children will be “informed” from this “Fountain of Misinformation” . But, they are encouraged to seek their own truths. When I say it’s okay (that’s a joke) . . . Well, Look at the time. I think I dipped well into both your “fun-planning” time. . . and mine. That’s okay (for me) – I’ve got time. You on the other hand? I’d be making with the festivities post haste because this has been 10 minutes, or so, you can never get back. . .

‘Til Then. . . Go Figg’r!

Peace Out-Later

P.S. Aloha

Conspiracy? No Thank You, I’m Already Full of Crap!

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on September 12, 2009 by danof89

I am truly convinced that there has been only one conspiracy theory ever, in the history of humankind. That is the introduction of the Ford Aspire in 1994. This compact deathtrap was billed as the Second Generation of the Ford Festiva. Though, I’m not sure why the Ford Festiva found it necessary to “breed” and “give birth” to a new generation, which not only didn’t respect its obvious “History of Excellence”, but also had no respect for it, “sassed” it, came home late (all the time) and wrecked “itself” on more than one occasion (when it was told not to go out on the weekends after the bars closed). I am obviously referring to something I have close personal, intimate and first-hand knowledge of, as I wouldn’t dare think of speaking of something I had no idea about. As I eluded to in my last entry, I’ll leave that to those more inclined to smoke A LOT of illicit drugs and make plans for an Armageddon, which includes bite-sized creatures-riding donut shaped crafts, while embedding themselves in our temporal lobes, while we are sleeping-in a strategic maneuver meant to throw us off their scent; by taking over the minds of world leaders “one at a time”. They really do have a lot of time on their hands to come up with this crap. The conspiracy whack-jobs out there, NOT World Leaders. They have absolutely NO free time to be spent doing anything that doesn’t make this world better every day for all of us that depend on them so much to be a guiding force in our lives. I look to them to show us ALL how to take up the mantle and forge ahead with the knowledge that we can achieve a total unified and euphoric existence. All we need to do is shut up and do whatever “they say” and everything will go smoothly . Nobody needs to get hurt. Now…”YOU! In the broom closet. Now!” NO THANK YOU. Truthfully, I think there are way too many people out there that are taking whatever information they want to manipulate out there and turning it into a brightly polished, beautifully packaged, and eloquently conceived Dung heap and proceeding to shove it down our throats , or at the very least frighten us so badly or induce such a feeling of paranoia, that our only recourse will be to cling to “THEIR TRUTHS” so that we can all be “SAVED” or, at the very least, “VERY ENLIGHTENED BASKET CASES” and “free” to buy T-shirts, incense and videos from their websites, catalogs or under their trench coats next to the fake Designer watches and viles of Crack. No, Thank you! And when I say that, I mean no THANK YOU will be issued to you – you pompous, overblown and power hungry fear-mongers! Keep your websites (I can’t read-even with all the PICTURES) keep your incense (it smells like wet dog hair and vanilla diarrhea) and shove your Conspiracies! (But I wouldn’t mind taking a look at the Gucci knock-off. Why does the second-hand go backwards? Is it supposed to have a second-hand?) Bottom Line is that Anyone can twist a pretzel. . . It’s how you SALT it.

Here are a few conspiracies, that I find mildly amusing, somewhat dangerous and just plain weird:

5) David Icke’s Reptilian Theory – I’m unsure of this “windbag’s” credentials. He was a pro football player, so maybe we should take him seriously. My daughter had an Illuminati once. It cost us $15, but was never really able to capture the same “feel” as the one I had when I was a kid. In the 70’s it was still called a “Lite Brite”.

4) Obama is the AntiChrist – Why? Because I voted for him? Can I catch a break anywhere? They’ve been talking about the Antichrist for years. “They” need to give it a rest. We all know who the Antichrist is. Enough already, when it’s time, I’m sure we’ll all figure it out.

3) 9/11 Conspiracy – What? Don’t get me started, because I won’t be able to stop. . . If you choose to belittle the memory of innocent people by blaming stupid people, you’re misguided. You need to concentrate on evil people . . . and stop making me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.

2) American’s are Satanists – Puh-lease! I think Free-Masons are like Shriners aren’t they? So what’s next? I’ve been hearing different versions of this since I was in kindergarden. People that think our country is based on some sort of evil, can live in caves with the people who are really evil. If you think we’re bad now, just wait ’til you start missing the circus, because you’re in a cave with Al Qaeda arguing over who gets the last of the rations. THEY don’t know how to “throw a circus”.

and. . .

1) Jay Leno is an Evil Genius – OKAY, you got me. There’s an “outside” chance Jay knew what he was doing all along, and just wants to be able to get to bed early every night. I KNOW it tapes at like 4PM, but he likes to stay up late to watch himself. He really thinks he’s funny. That IS scary. . .And DANGEROUS.

So there you have them. Some of the newer Conspiracy Theories facing our world today. I didn’t talk about anything that Oliver Stone hasn’t already been sitting down in “moist anticipation” for with some Studio Executive, that still credits him as the inspiration for him/her making a 5 minute short in film school about the perils of not looking for “answers” in every box of Cracker Jacks . I prefer to look at the REAL Conspiracy Theory. The One I can’t PROVE, but KNOW existed. My ‘94 Ford Aspire lasted all of 9 months before being sent off to the junkyard for “reeducation”. I am CERTAIN, that Auto Makers stopped “making ‘em like they used to” with inferior car parts and shoddy manufacturing to cut costs and bolster profits, by selling us new ones every 9 months, extended warranties or crappier replacement parts for repairs. Old Cars used to last forever. I guess I should really start looking into that. Before we “Bail Out” some other evil genius (oh, I guess he’s still doing okay) Hey! Wait a minute!. . .

‘Til Then. . .Go Figg’r!

Peace Out – Later

I’m NOT GAY. . .Not That There’s Anything Wrong with That

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on September 17, 2009 by danof89

So?. . . So. . .

As many of you already know, I am more than just an average “blogger” out there bouncing their little thoughts and observations off of people, hoping something might “stick”. I don’t just randomly come up with a topic and throw it out there hoping I’ll get a “bite”. I have an agenda. A “Method to my Madness”, if you will. (or even, if you won’t) That’s why I was blind-sided today when at my OTHER Job (seeing’s how this one doesn’t exactly pay anything) a 10th grade girl got on my bus (Oh yes, for those that don’t know, I am also a PUBLIC SCHOOL BUS DRIVER) and sat down. I hadn’t even pulled out of the loading zone yet, when she asked me to turn the radio station. I allow the students to listen to music during the ride. It tends to drowned out their LOUDNESS and also muffles any unwanted screams or cries for help while I try to drive in peace. The “kids” of today, at least in the city that I work, are typically far more “mature” both physically and intellectually (for lack of a “correct” term) than when I was their age. And it’s “refreshing” to know that the teenage girls of today have made tremendous strides in being just as stupid and immature as their male counterparts. Bravo!

ANYWAY, This “girl-woman” seemed astonished when I said “I will when I pull out.” Not because of the way I said it.(I am, as a rule, polite and respectful to students unless I am confiscating their drugs or asking for their weapons.) No, this “person” was surprised that when I responded, my voice was not that of a female’s.(My voice is significantly lower than one might think upon looking at me-Somewhere between Don LaFontaine (RIP) and Lurch from the Addam’s Family) You see, my “new best friend”, while boarding the bus had sized me up as a “chick”. I’m not sure how the appraisal was made. I haven’t shaved for 2 days. I stunk of BO in the 90 degree heat and I’m pretty sure my fly was down. Although in certain parts of Bakersfield, I guess that might be an easy mistake to make. As I made sure my passengers where not “blazing up fatties” or “stabbing their schoolmates”, I pulled out of the loading zone. Behind me-the familiar whisperings and snickerings of “children” bouncing off the back of my large head. You see, as a completely heterosexual male, I have, throughout my entire adult existence, “sometimes” been presumed gay. This girl kept going on with her friends, “I thought he was a WOMAN”. “Dude, you think he’s Gay?” “Ha, Ha, Dude Looks Gay“. You see this doesn’t bother me for the reasons you might think. If I WAS (and I’m SO not) it probably wouldn’t bother me at all. I DO live in California. Though Gays are still ridiculed (especially in this town), it isn’t as “taboo” (for lack of a “correct” term) as it used to be. It’s in the social conscious a lot more. It’s in the main stream. It has become more accepted. NO, what I took exception to (and do whenever someone “thinks” I might be) is “What exactly is it about me” that, in this case (a) Would make you think I’m a “lady”? and (b) Would make you think I’m into “dudes”? I’m at a loss people. Never have understood.

Don’t get me wrong, I KNOW I’m beautiful. No question. Some might even say (and often do) “Pretty”. But that would be the only parallel I could draw between me and those of the female persuasion. . . So, why did this “girl-woman” ruffle my feathers? And HOW does this affect me continuing on with my journey towards CELEBRITY? It didn’t and it doesn’t. Not really. It just got me to thinking about that Seinfeld episode and how funny it was, when Jerry faced a similar “dilemma” (for lack of a . . . yeah). Why is it that there are stereotypes for “straight men” in today’s society? I WANT ANSWERS. Anybody?. . .Anybody?. . .Well let’s come up with something. I’ve got to get on with my life without carrying “yet another” insecurity along on the ride. People say, “Oh if you were secure with your sexuality, it wouldn’t bother you.” Shut yo’ mouth! Because if YOU were secure with my sexuality, you’d know I like me some “women”. . .yo. (Actually, just one woman and I married her). But I enjoy looking at women (when she lets me) So, I guess I told YOU.

So what is the stereotypical “MAN” supposed to be? What “mold” does one need to fit into, to be considered made of sturdy “man-type” stuff? I’d like to share a few Celebrity Versions of what I think society views as “the norm” for both Gay and Straight. There are certainly some shades of “gray” involved, however I don’t consider “Bi” a classification. I consider it “selfish”. Those that are reading this Gay, Straight or “Bi”, must understand that this is being written by a straight guy. . . no, REALLY. So if you don’t like it, I guess you’re free to read something else, go “antiquing” or start a “decoupage album”. . . . I know some cool websites.

Straight as an Arrow:

1)Tim “The Tool Man” Allen – Just the nickname says it all, doesn’t it? Well. . . nevermind.

2)Arnold Schwarzenegger – Starting to look like a list of straight “OLD” Celebrities, huh?

3)Brad Pitt – Even though he has to adopt a bunch of kids at a time, like going to Costco for toilet paper, I think his “swimmers” still like Jolie. But she may not reciprocate.

4)Shia Labeouf – I still hate calling him a celeb. He got his break on Project Greenlight in a sucky movie and I don’t like him. But he’s straight. Boy howdy, is he!

5)Harrison Ford – I don’t know why I got so many old actors on the list. I think I might be proving the point that “Peoples’ Perception” of what straight looks like has changed. But Indy, likes the “ladies”.

Gay as the Day is Long:

1)Adam Lambert – And I want to know why women still LOVE him, when they know their ain’t know way, they get a shot?

2)Neil Patrick Harris – I don’t know what I found more remarkable. Him “coming out”, or how rapidly his Broadway career progressed after he did.

3)Nathan Lane – Duh – “The Birdcage” was hilarious! I think Hackman should be gay just for trying.

4)Sir Ian McKellan – Really?

5)Rosie O’Donnell – I honestly didn’t know where to put her.(I opted for Gay man)

Eh?(I have no flippin’ idea)

Robert Pattinson & Any actor involved with Twilight(that right there should be the biggest tip that I’m not gay, or at the least, have good taste) That statement alone warrants me the label “straight jackass”. . . oh, and Jude Law . (my wife LOVES him)

So why do we care as a Society? Why do we want to know what “orientation” certain people are (especially Celebrities)? Why the fascination? Is it because we want to know what goes on behind closed doors? I can tell you that “I” personally don’t give a rip. I was raised to believe one way, but have since determined that not only is it “not my business”, but I’m pretty sure it’s none of yours either. Just because a man decides not to walk around with his chest all puffed out and dig around at his crotch, like if he doesn’t do so publicly, would summon some sort of “Gaypocalypse” is beyond me. I go back to the Seinfeld episode. “Not that there’s anything wrong with that”. People do what they do because it’s who they “are”. I don’t make the rules. I live by my own, but I certainly don’t impose them on SOCIETY. To each their own. But to answer the question posed by those that think just because a guy my age is still thin, well-kept (except when transporting school children-and then it still apparently doesn’t matter), is soft-spoken, kind (sometimes), sensitive (I cry during MOST movies – even comedies) and well-read (meaning I like to READ); that does not a Gay man make. I’m pretty sure I still need to like “dudes” and it would be awfully hard to take up a habit that “disgusting”. But that’s just me. . .I mean I’m disgusting.(therefore:straight)

I told my wife what happened today. She’s used to me getting that question. I asked her if she thinks I should get my long luxurious locks cut or, at the least, a “die-job”. Her response? . . . Are you Gay? No. . . No, I’m not. Not that there’s anything WRONG with that. I thought we covered that when we had “kids”.

SO, that answer the question “girl-woman”? And if I catch you with another “blunt”, I’m gonna’ have to tell the school. . .

‘Til Then. . .Go Figg’r!

Peace Out – Later

Ain’t Talkin’ ‘Bout Love? Then Sit Down, Waldo!

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on September 20, 2009 by danof89

Diamond David Lee Roth. ToastMaster General for the Immoral Majority and general all-around flamboyant Rebel-Rouser, who taught me how to “Talk the Talk” and “Walk the Walk”. I spent a large portion of the mid 80’s trying to emulate my hero. From his brash tone to his witty banter. Never at a loss for words, he showed me in bright technicolor what it meant to be an egocentric, controversial and uninhibited pain in the butt. I’m reaching a point in life now where I look back a lot more than ahead.(For God’s sake, you’d think someone died wouldn’t you? Far as I KNOW, he didn’t. . .Close maybe) I am not writing a “preemptive obituary” for my boyhood hero. Rather, I’ve decided to look at what it is that I hoped to accomplish in life, in large part based on this “Highly Fictional” individual. By all accounts, I’m unsure WHAT he was, WHO he was; or as a result, what I hoped to become in adulthood. Was it even “Real”? I’ve been looking through video, audio and about every other kind of media, I could get my hands on to try to find the “lightning” he’d trapped in a bottle, only to find, at this late stage, it’s more like a jar of dead “lightning bugs”. Funny, how your memory can play tricks on you. Well, if there’s one thing I did succeed at when trying to imitate my hero, it’s that I’ve been a Tour Bus Guide AND a School Bus Driver (both of which, he was in music videos – so. . .yeah). Though, there aren’t as many scantily clad women bouncing around in my world. Unless, you count my wife and girls fighting over who gets to take a shower and who took the last of the hot water. Typically, I don’t count that one.

So what was it that “Diamond Dave” embodied in my mind? Was it the American Dream ? Well, sure, if that dream was based on his “Persona” . But, I think “MY” American Dream has been revamped and retooled as the years have passed. But ONE memory endures . . .

I “was” in a Rock Band in high school. I was the lead singer, just like Dave. I even got down his “growl” and his “blood-curdling” (and quite annoying in hindsight) signature yell-scream thingy. I grew out the hair (evidenced in a prior entry-NO, I won’t make you look again). I played no instruments (just like the MASTER lead frontman-unless you count the piano and the saxophone-and the guys in my band didn’t). We worked up a few Van Halen tunes, someMotley Crue and some KISS and practiced every day in our guitar player’s garage.

We even had fights like the band he belonged to. My guitar player was a HUGE Eddie Van Halen fan and I think we all KNOW what I thought about Dave. So, just like our heroes in this tumultuous time, (They broke up in ‘85), we had MORE than our share of “infighting” in the band. We would snatch up every article we could find from Rolling Stone, Heavy Metal, Tiger Beat (just kidding) and every other Hard Rock magazine we could find. (at this time Rolling Stone was BIG into Hard Rock-I’m sure they featured other artists, but somehow we never SAW those articles). In fact when I came up with a name for the band, I “lifted” it from an article in RS. “Adventures on the Crocodile Coast”. Some article about conservation of some Rain Forest Area, blah,blah – I don’t know. I just “knew” that the name “Crocodile Coast” was GOLD. (and sounded like something Dave would think of) My guitarist “Kris”, hated that band name, insisting on something like “AXE MAFIA” or “HAMMER OF THE GODS“, but I never wavered. Like the front man of any “real” Rock Band, I’d be having the last say in this one.

When we got our first (and subsequently last) gig. We were “stoked”. We had a set list that consisted of 6 songs: Jump (they didn’t even let me play keyboards), Runnin’ With The Devil (my screams were awesome) Beth (KISS would later help name my daughter) Heaven’s On Fire (My parents LOVED this one) Smokin’ in the Boys Room (another parent-pleaser) and Home Sweet Home (We were kind of wimpy and I didn’t play ‘keys’ on this one either-I KNOW. . . a real ‘jip’) We had spent nearly 2 SUMMER months practicing in my friend’s garage, when we got the call. . . “Jenny Schuster” was turning Sweet 16. We got the call from our agent, Jenny’s brother “Scott”, who played the drums. We had a GIG! And they were gonna’ PAY us! It seemed like something out of a dream! 50 dollars split 3 WAYS. “John” was our bass player and Scott said he was doing it for Jenny’s birthday, so he wouldn’t have to get her anything. He’d been working at Super Value bagging groceries for 3 months now and would be damned if he was going to spend his money on a “woman”. He wanted a new “kit”. Had his eye on a ‘Pearl’ knock-off since the Christmas before and SHOPKO was going to have a SALE the next week. So we, had two weeks to practice before the “Big Day” and we were totally jazzed about it! I thought for sure the “Rock Gods” were smiling on us. Word was even spreading in school! We started having some of Jenny’s friends asking us if we were really “in the band?”. Are you kidding me? These girls were juniors and seniors! We were freshman! They, prior to this, would regularly call us a bunch of “skeezy dorkwads” and regularly hurl other tasty insults at us. Especially when we were trying to look very masculine and tough while puking after running the mile in gym class. (which I think should be BANNED in physical education for those states that still have the funding to require it) “I” even got a girl (Kristy Hanson) to agree to be my “semi-groupie”, by passing me a note in History, saying she’d go to watch me, if I didn’t tell anyone. . . I told EVERYONE.

So the two weeks preceding the “blessed event and our obvious first step on the road to Super Stardom“ was AWESOME. We had become “quasi-celebrities” and the world had become ours for the taking. Nothing was going to stop us! . . .

Until, my phone rang on Wednesday morning (three days before the show). It was Kris. He was practically crying and I couldn’t understand him. He said he’d tell me in school, but it was something about Van Halen. I didn’t have MTV then (we had bare-bones basic-13 Channels and a PBS affiliate) I had heard the rumors, but could see the confirmation in Kris’s glance as I saw him waiting for me at the bicycle stand, me pedaling my undersized 10 speed slowly towards him, as if to delay the inevitable. (My 10 speed was undersized, because it was a girl’s starter model-Huffy–it was a rough few years in high school) As, I locked up my Shuffy, Kris proceeded to tell me that Van Halen had broken up. How it was all Roth’s fault and something about the End of Rock and Roll. I don’t know for certain. I was kind of mad after the “Roth’s fault” accusation. The next two days were torture. We practiced the set in Kris’s garage, barely speaking. When we got to the VH numbers we kind of hurried through, not looking at each other. Scott and John did what they could to console us, but we were spent, emotionally. The whole thing had really put a “wedge” between us. But we knew we wanted the gig. It’s all we’d talked about for two months. . .

I would like to tell you that we were a HIT. In fact, I’d LOVE to tell you that, but we weren’t. We were awful. I forgot the words to “Heaven’s on Fire” and Kris was all over the place on guitar. . . . But during the Van Halen songs, I was Diamond Dave and he was Eddie Van Halen. We “rocked it right” and we “knew” it. Our band folded about a week later. Kristy Hanson didn’t even show up. Apparently, it was considered “Jerk-Like” to tell EVERYONE she was gonna’ show ‘cuz she was “my woman”. Whatever. Kris and I still kept in touch. (Wow, didn’t realize how much this sounds like “Stand By Me“) He never got murdered trying to keep the peace(or died in front of the Viper Room), later in life. In fact, I saw he and Scott at a Van Halen concert (with Sammy Hagar) some years later. We joked around, but it was never the same. . .

So what was it that I saw in Dave, that I wanted? Was it the Fame? Was it the Money? Was it the Babes?

I think Dave taught me something else over these years. I think maybe I should’ve played the saxophone and the piano. Dave never really liked the keyboard. In fact, I hear now, that he really never wanted to record “Jump”, because Eddie had decided to start experimenting with the synthesizer. But guess what? They got back together, just last year. WAY OLD and making the “Stones” look like “Aerosmith”, but they put together a show. But you know what else? I never went to see them. You know why? Because I wanted to keep the show the way I’d imagined it. . .in my friend’s garage. . .“When We Were Rock Gods!”

‘Til Then. . .Go Figg’r!

Peace Out-Later

Yabba Dabba Screwed

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on September 23, 2009 by danof89

I could have just as easily called this effort, “Scooby Doobie Screwed”, but I didn’t want to perpetuate any negative stereotypes out there about what we“artists” use as inspiration for our work. I also didn’t want this entry to be confused with my other “Doobie” bit, as it is a different beast all together. In HOLLYWOOD it seems to me that there is an abundance of the “smoking of the ganja”. It is endorsed by a large number of CELEBRITIES such as Woody Harrelson ,Seth Rogen , Snoop Dogg(had NO idea), Frances McDormand(REALLY had NO idea), etc. There have also been a large number of Movies and TV shows that seem to promote “the blazing of the bud”.“Weeds” , on SHOWTIME, a company that “helps” me to sponsor a charity on my WordPress spot, is a fine example of a show whose name alone leaves no room to the imagination. “That 70’s Show ” is another, with everyone in the cast, including the parents from time to time, being seen passing the “dutchie” to the left hand side. In Feature Film there have obviously been a lot of movies with drug use in them: Pineapple Express , Dazed and Confused and anything including Cheech and Chong immediately spring to mind. “I” personally do not endorse the smoking of the grass, for a variety of reasons, but that isn’t what this “bit” is about.

What I’m actually trying to get at, (it takes me a while sometimes and in actuality, I’m still not “quite” there), is that by the looks of it and the current state of Film and Television Production today, a large number of those “in” the industry today HAVE to be high on something or under the influence of one or more controlled substances. There is absolutely no other viable explanation (to me) for the reason why there is so much CRAP being churned out by the Major Studios. I can’t make sense of it. They have to be “blotto” on the “Pakalolo Funk” for the industry to look so “messed up” all the time. Do they have random drug-testing? It would be interesting to be a fly on the bathroom wall during “breaks” at some of these Industry Meetings. Probably goes something like this:

“Hey Jeff! – snnnnniiiiiffffff! —snn–snn–snnoorrrt—Aaaah. How You think it’s going in there?”. . .”Hey Al! snnnnooooorrrrrttt—snifff—snnn—-snnnn—snnnniiiifff—Aaaahh! Haga Daga! ooo, I don’t know, man? Do you think they were ‘feelin’ the pitch about the ‘Mall Cop’?”. . . “I don’t know Jeff–snifff-snifff ” (washing hands-looking in the mirror) “But I definitely think they bit on the ‘GI Joe’ thing.” . . .”Yeah. . . sniff, (clearing throat-cough) Man, they must be ‘blotto’ on some serious ‘Pakalolo Funk’ (washing hands-quick nostril check) You wanna’ cut out early and hit Happy Hour at Applebees?” . . .”Sounds good”.

Okay, so it does look a little like I’m talking about drugs. You might think that. But as we already know from your track record, you’ve been known to be “wrong”. . . like, a lot. No, what I’d really like to discuss is something else I’ve noticed as the father of a 5 year old. Coincidentally, I am also the parent of a 12, 14 and 18 year old, but for purposes of this discussion they are virtually worthless. . . Not to say my children are worthless, they’re just of “no value” in terms of my most recent observation. I will use them when I decide to discuss puberty, disrespect of authority, hatred of me or MUSIC. But, for now, I’ll be using the one person I identify with most in my household on an intellectual level. . . my 5 year old.

My daughter has ADHD . I know this is a “trendy” disorder that has decided to “nail” just about every single American family that has had children since around late ‘93-early ‘94. It is an epidemic of cataclysmic proportions and I agree that something needs to be done about it. . . But, for now, I will just try to “treat her” by keeping her occupied with doing 25 different things at once, so she won’t throw THE FIT TO END ALL FITS . (which she has come close to doing several times in highly visible and very public places in full view of everyone, knowing we cannot spank in public or we will be taken away to where “Dad” used to go before he met “Mama”- it was college, I wasn’t supposed to be ‘drinking’ while being 18 and stupid)

You may think the last thing we need to do, as responsible and concerned parents, is to give in to my child’s time-consuming and seemingly selfish demands for constant “entertainment”. Fortunately, for all involved, I place about as much value on your opinion of my parenting skills (or lack thereof), as I do on my 12, 14, or 18 year old’s. As long as I “feed” you occasionally and tell you, you’re “loved” and “appreciated”, you all should end up just fine.

Being diagnosed as someone “suffering” with Adult ADD , in my 20’s (now nearing 40), I can sympathize with my daughter’s “plight”. But as an adult (with ADD) do I really need to say “suffering”? I don’t recall ever suffering throughout my childhood, adolescence or adulthood for being “scatter-brained”. (Seems I was diagnosed late-how do they know that?) In fact, I think I function at a fairly High Level, even with this dreadful “condition”. My wife may disagree, especially when it comes to “the task” of picking up something at the Grocery Store . Apparently, I get the “wrong thing” every single time she sends me to the store to pick something up. Yet she continues to send me, TIME AFTER TIME. So who’s the “sick” one in that scenario? I’m perfectly fine having two different kinds of frozen vegetables in my Tuna Casserole, when I was given “explicit” instructions to only get the ‘California Blend’. (I got California AND Santa Fe) AND, it wasn’t supposed to be Tuna, it was supposed to be Chicken. But in my defense, and in the grand scheme of things, does it really matter? My point is I’m not “suffering”. None of us are. Well not from ADD or ADHD . We “ate” didn’t we? So what does any of this have to do with my 5 year old daughter? I’m not exactly sure. I lost my train of thought. . . OH, I remember!

By observing my daughter and her need for Constant mental stimulation, I’ve decided that she is Absolutely, Positively, Beyond the Shadow of a Doubt . . . BRILLIANT. She always needs to be on the computer, eating, playing with toys, and watching television. . . simultaneously. I don’t look at this as a “problem”. I look at this as “MULTI-TASKING “. It also makes it a little easier for “mom” or I to sneak away for some “alone” time, when we can keep her preoccupied with 157 different activities all at once. She seems to be adapting rather well. Very large vocabulary, good Social and Behavioral Skills (when it comes to the Public-With “Us”? Woooaahh Nellie!) But that’s Okay. She’s a “child”. So in an effort to forge a deeper and more meaningful bond with my daughter (and co-sufferer), before she decides I know absolutely“Nothing of Any Pertinent Relevance or Practical Value” , I’ve decided to introduce her to some of the Television Programming of My Youth. Instead of Naked Brothers (whose every other show is about kids making out); Instead of iCarly (whose every other show is about kids making out); Instead of Hannah Montana (whose every other show is stupid), we take a break and watch some Sesame Street , some Reading Rainbow and some more genteel cartoons. Like Scooby Doo , The Flintstones or anything else on Boomerang . After sitting down with her and playing toys, games, coloring, and eating dinner (simultaneously), we watched a little “Fred and Barney“. I looked over at her, she looked back and gave me that “Winning Smile”. . . She’s also GORGEOUS. She reached out her hand and squeezed mine. Then in the cutest voice she could muster, she said, “Dad, I think I’m a little too old for this. Can we watch something that isn’t dumb?”

Being “Who I Am” and knowing that I want to take a crack at Children’s Entertainment, my heart sank. I think the same “executives” in charge of what HOLLYWOOD is turning out nowadays, may be getting to my baby! She’s just an innocent in all of this! My little girl is growing up, “Suffering a Horrible Affliction“. We need to do something Fast or we’re all “Yabba Dabba Screwed “. . .

‘Til Then. . . Go Figg’r!

Peace Out – Later

Cloudy With a Chance of Rutabagas

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on September 26, 2009 by danof89

I had a paper route when I was 11 years old. I bring that fact up quite a bit around our household with my unemployed 18 year old son. Especially around Rent Time, Grocery Shopping Time, Bill-Paying Time or generally anytime our household expenditures exceed the amount of money we take in as a “household unit”. I’ve used the term “household” 3 (now 4 times) for a reason. Because I think that the one that “Holds” the money in the “House”, holds all the “Power” . And as a result, trumps everyone else in the decision-making process in how that money should be spent. That is a very nice sentiment and in a perfect world, that might very well even be an accurate one. However, in “My World”, which isn’t quite at Perfect Level quite yet, I’m afraid that dream not only doesn’t “hold water”, but the water has all but evaporated and/or is being kept in small 20 ounce bottles by the KEEPER OF THE WATER (by water, I am referring to MONEY, for those of you that don’t “get” me.) In MY home, that person would be my WIFE (also Doesn’t “Get” Me).

At this time, I would like to draw what I see is a parallel to the KEEPER OF THE WATER and a character from a movie, that I think, was highly overpriced from a production standpoint (175 Million Dollars in ‘95 , which in today’s terms is roughly $32,000) But in terms of enjoyability was WAY underrated (this from a guy that thinks “Killer Klowns from Outer Space“ deserved an Oscar) That movie, is “Waterworld” . The Water Keeper is my wife in My Little Version of this Blockbuster Film. The “character” she plays is that of renowned stoner (and all around real creepy dude) Dennis Hopper. (Whose character’s name escapes me, because I don’t remember it. It’s been a large number of years (14) since that movie’s release and I sure as hell didn’t see that “turkey” more than once, or waste money to rent it, just to prove a point… 14 years later. But alas, I do have Wikipedia – Deacon, it was Deacon, happy now?) . . .

Where was I?

Oh yes, “Waterworld“. . . I AM fairly certain that the movie had something to do with water. Which works out well for me, considering I’m invested in this “turkey” at this point. Because in this analogy, “water” is what I am using to describe money. You’ll notice I said analogy, instead of metaphor. I’m not sure I’m using either term in the proper manner, but I think the root word for analogy is “anal”. (it SO isn’t) Which describes Deacon’s (my wife’s) relationship with my hard-earned “water” perfectly. (I’ve got to be delicate at how I proceed now with the terminology) If the root word turns out to be “analyze” or something (I’m really not big on research) that’s fine, as that word could be used to describe it as well. She is anal when analyzing how I spend our water . Actually, since I twist the meaning of most words to suit my needs at the time, you could probably plug in a word like RUTABAGA, (I looked up the spelling), and I could make it work.

Unfortunately, since my handling of money and finances is dealt with in the same creative fashion as my manipulation of the vernacular, I have relinquished all Aqua Asset Authority to Dennis Hopper. (no, not the real one – THAT would be a trip, huh?) My wife LOVES when I tell her this! No really, she does. She takes great pride in thinking of herself as the “one” that held the fate of Kevin Costner in her hands and watched as he ended up fronting a band that plays a local casino near where we live twice a year when they open for Carlos Mencia (dee-dee-dee!). . . She also thinks me doing “this” is a waste of time. In her eyes, I am squandering prime “water-pumping” opportunities. Let me just say that like Kevin Costner’s “Mariner”, I look at this as my quest for “Dryland” – The mythical island in the movie that held the key to his character’s happiness, enhanced only slightly by his ability to “land” a big hot fish like Jeanne Tripplehorn, who not only didn’t “bag” on the Mariner for his dream, but encouraged it. (all despite the fact he had webbed feet and gills. . . nice)

No, I’m still POSITIVE someone of great importance (Jerry Bruckheimer produced “Waterworld” and apparently desperately needs me) will stumble upon me and realize that I should be getting paid to entertain people. Out of the goodness of his heart he could very well convince someone to offer me bucket loads of water (this time I REALLY mean money) to do just that. This is EXACTLY the reason my wife (Dennis Hopper-wait, now I’m confused) holds the purse strings in my house. Because, much like my financial decisions, my hopes and dreams don’t always seem to “hold water”.

“It doesn’t mean it’s never gonna’ happen!”, I’ll argue very convincingly – while Dennis rolls her “eye” (in “Waterworld” he wore a patch over one – merely for dramatic effect, or because of a ‘bong’ accident ). But left to my own devices, I’m sure that my wife thinks I would do something OtherWaterWorldly or even Outlandish . Like get behind some sort of “pipe dream” or an over-budget outstanding film like “Waterworld“. . . If I had the “water”, I just might. I think that movie would make “bank” today (and in reality it did in video and oversea distribution, back then).

Briefly (yeah-right) let’s take a peek at another little movie that was a disaster to shoot, came in way over-budget and had everyone involved in its production, sure that it was doomed and going to fail miserably. That little movie? . . . “Jaws”. Also a big “water” movie. In that “anal-ogy”, my wife would be “the shark” (also perfectly comfortable with that role). I would be either the skinny-dipping stoner chick, in the first scene, that is so oblivious to the “danger” that she ends up “going for a little ride”. Or perhaps the drunk skipper, that so believes in his ship, he jumps feet first into a shark’s mouth to prove a point. “I” would assert that I am more like a guy NOT in the movie, but the one that MADE it. . .He was a “little dreamer” too and NOW look at him? I’m no Stephen Spielberg . . . but how would we KNOW that?

Seems as though knowing how to draw, write and tell a few jokes, holds about as much “water” as the paper route of my youth. But, I did learn a really cool trick from a “magic kit” I got around the same age. Remember the milk in the funnel trick? I used to do that with one of my route newspapers and a glass of fake “water”.(that wasn’t the trick, but I had that mullet) Guess that might be about all I got out of that job (the trick, the mullet came later). I should probably lay off my son. I’m going to tell him to learn a “trade”. There’s good “water” in that. . .

‘Til Then. . .Go Figg’r!

Peace Out – Later

A Trip to Venice Beach

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on June 6, 2009 by danof89

A yearly trip to Venice Beach, inevitably and irrevocably affects the life of me and my family. I’m unsure why we do it. Maybe we just need the fresh air. Maybe we need to see people that make us feel better about our mundane white-trash existence, or maybe it’s something a little more meaningful than that. I prefer to adopt the latter as my theory of reference and how I’d like to start my very first blog. With an observation for hope and the hopeless. . .

We venture to this Mecca of Filth and Depravity every year like clockwork. It draws us with its “Lost Boys – style” strip and a cast of characters to rival any “Okkie in-law” family reunion. In the first day alone we saw a new addition to our beloved boardwalk. An adult video viewing “room” next to a brand new medicinal marijuana facility, which happens to be next to an ice cream parlor. So I’m thinking . . .”one stop shopping”, right?

All seriousness aside, that kind of made my skin crawl, especially while shielding my four-year-olds eyes from the assortment of petroleum jelly and various other lubricants modestly displayed by a couch in what I would assume was a “waiting” area or foyer for the new “Cinematque”. It also proudly boasted on a well-worn, though not well-spelled sign “These movies are new 2 U!” and “Double X-rated”. Begging the question was the third “X” left on the cutting room floor or provided by the woman using the park grass across the walkway to relieve herself?

But we trekked on with a fairly uneventful remainder of the day, That is until we hit the Marina Del Rey Del Taco. We went in, innocently enough, ordering from the dollar menu and squabbling over the size of drinks we could get with a limited budget. We collected our half-pound bean burritos and drinks and enjoyed each others company. That is until my oldest son directed me to the drunk man at the counter. This apparent “Veteran of a war unknown to those that can read” proceeded to knock over 2 cash registers and a condiment stand, with the hopes of finding his wife. According this highly decorated soldier, his wife had been kidnapped earlier that day by the “Feds”. Obviously in a top secret attempt to hide either his prescription medication or the last of his Mad Dog 20/20. I’m assuming the latter portion of my keen observation. Call me intuitive.

Although my 18 year old son felt the need to defend my wife and my other 3 children, I went ahead and let the off-duty manager and another well-medicated “Vet” shore the bulk of the responsibility until the proper authorities arrived. I assured my family, should this trouble-maker have dared make a move towards us, I would have bravely;and without hesitation brushed him aside. He was “LIT”. I wasn’t exactly worried.

Anyway, we watched as Culver City’s finest promptly gathered him off the ground where he was now begging for forgiveness and threatening a police brutality law-suit. We finished our smallish beverages and returned to our vehicle, where our dog had been begging for mercy from a rich Lexus-driving woman (w/cell phone at the ready) who re-entered the restaurant 4 times to “get condiments” during the malay and check whether our pet was being harmed in any way. Ignoring everything else going on inside.

Let me assure you our dog was fine. Had food,water and an ample air supply during our short but memorable dining experience. On our way back to the motel after our first “Night Away”, we paused as a unit, to reflect on the day that had been. As we rounded the corner to a good nights lodging, my oldest summed up the first night with probably the best observation of the day. As we drove past a corner mini-strip he noticed the sign. “Donuts,Liquor and Tacos”. His comment? “Well that’s pretty much got a full day covered for these guys doesn’t it?”

Yes, indeed.

Although I hadn’t intended my inaugural blog to be a travel log, I think this might be the perfect place to sign off for the evening. I hope someone actually reads this and finds it enjoyable. I would like to do more of these in the near future and will if there is any sort of demand. I’m no Perez Hilton, Ashton or Demi. Meaning I’m not gay or fat or need scores of people to validate me as a human being. I’m not Angelina or Brad or Jon and Kate. I’m an ordinary guy who watches all of these guys just like you. I find the everyday intriguing sometimes. Sometimes not. But I’ve always got an opinion and I enjoy bouncing it off of a few people. My family gets a little tired,

Peace Out-More Later

Dan

Venice Beach Pt. 2 (And Other Tell-Tale Signs a Storm is On its Way)

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on June 7, 2009 by danof89

So, I’ve decided to return to a second consecutive evening in front of my broken down, scourged and reviled G4 Macinstosh laptop computer to enter some quips, quandaries and observations of another day gone by. First of all, I’d like to start with the fact that my Macinstosh G4 laptop computer, purchased in all good faith from a Best Buy “Expert”, in 2006; as a state-of-the art and top-of-line workspace for the Creative and cutting-edge generation of “will-be” and “can-do” gen-x-ers is a colossal pile of “COW_DUNG”!

Not only was I unable to spell-check myself throughout the entirety of my first paragraph, I was unable to get a clue that I had made one helluva’ “run-on-sentence”. For those of the 4 followers I have racked up in my first day doing this (provided you’re not family members or ex-girlfriends wanting the old ego-shot) you’ll notice I have a rather frenetic pace to my writing. If I have to backspace or delete more than once in a 15 second window my mind has gone somewhere else. But I digress.

Thanks for those who have asked for a second helping. Although my wife categorically denies this as me checking to see if I formatted it correctly and inadvertantly created 12 new readers. (I did that just now by trying to spell inadvertantely). Man I’m popular!

But all seriousness aside, I would like to get at the issue at hand. I need to tie up the second part of this spot so that those of you hanging on my every word will get a “Teaser”. That is something meant to bring you back for more, while giving you just a taste of the forbidden fruit known as “My Mind”. Okay I just lost my four followers.

I want to tell, those of you that remain, about the last little bit of my family trip to Venice Beach. How it segued into a real return to “white-trash” suburbia and how I think I finally caught the “BUG” in Hollywood this last go-around. Why I think I can and should make it. Just like a million wretched souls making that “cross-country sojourn of ruin” every year. Why I, at this late stage of life(I’m still in my 30’s) thinks I can make it in Hollywood as a “CELEBRITY”. . .

Would it be too much if my teaser was a teaser?

(And Other Tell-Tale Signs a Storm is On its Way) Celebrity Edition

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on June 7, 2009 by danof89

As I was saying. . .

I’d like to mention a few more of the precious and life-altering moments I and my family spent in Venice Beach.

Let me first start with our accomodations (if I have to use spell-check on this thing one more time,I swear!) . . .and I STILL spelled it wrong! Anyway:Our lodgings. Upon arrival to our beloved Muscle Beach and Stoner Hatchery, we had the task of finding a suitable room which would also provide a safe haven of rest for the newest addition to our already fully-LARGE family. We needed a place that would take our shelter-saved, long-nippled mongrel of a Chihuahua, Maya. Now, I only point out the aesthetics of our beloved canine’s maternal mammaries to foreshadow a point, and not to make fun of what was obviously “one litter too many”. It wasn’t her fault. In fact we thought it was somewhat endearing when the people at the animal shelter referred to her as “Mama” . But this pet-purchasing decision, just like everything else in my, and my wife’s, lives to this point; was just par for the course. Not real noteworthy. The dog is loved by my family. I just think we don’t always get to make top-shelf decisions with bottom drawer means.

Thus the search for a motel.

My wife, being “In the Know”, made the original decision. “We’re taking the dog,” she said, quite matter-of-factly. “Yes, yes, LA is full of dogs. You’ve seen it every time we go to the beach”. In fact, I will have to say I do remember last year,when we went, a large golden retriever snatched my younger son’s McGriddles from his hungry clutches in a park. Being all the more memorable, because it was our final swan song at the beach before we loaded the minivan and headed. . .eck. . . home. Snapping out of this Rockwell-esque daydream, I hastily agreed. Which landed us with our first reality in Venice this go-around. NOBODY TAKES PETS!!! (I think pets are actually part of a “Grandfather” clause, if your family didn’t have pets before 1956, you’re outta’ luck).

I being the resourceful “Alpha Male ” in the bunch, made the absurd suggestion after being turned away from just the first 6 or 18 motel/hotels, that we might actually try to sneak the dog into one. Perhaps under the cover of night. (Or in a duffel bag). This idea didn’t fly with my constituents (my wife), who felt that; getting lost somewhere in a city that didn’t look like we belonged in it for (3 hours and 17 minutes) was a much better alternative. When everyone was sufficiently agitated at one another and we had grown tired of the sight of each other exhaling, we compromised. We paid twice as much as we could have for a room. BUT, we got to bring the dog! (in a duffel bag).

If you’re a frequent reader of this blog (humor me) then you’ll undoubtedly understand our first day and night in Venice Beach were memorable. Although, as I often explain to my wife, “It’s no different than everyone else in this country trying to get by”. Noteable Exception: We’re Us and You’re, well. . . you.

Our second day at Venice Beach (I feel like I need to address this place with some sort of reverence every time I talk about it) was pretty standard “Griswald fare”. No one defecating in our newly cleaned outdoor tepid whirlpool. (By no one, I mean “Our Brood”; I wouldn’t have tested that water with an industrial pool-stick). The sun actually came out. (Had I mentioned the first day was dismal and overcast)? The drunks and floozies, that had been seeking a little “together-time” in adjacent rooms to ours had long since hit the dusty road in search of more “MORTAL KOMBAT”. So all in all, it was looking up for us on a brand new day that only promised brand new hope for a better tomorrow. (Yeah ‘cuz we still had today to contend with.)

All seriousness aside, we ended up spending the majority of the next day on a State Park beach near Malibu. We saw a seal, an underwater cave, tidepools and even some dolphins. The only true drama came when I asked my daughter (11) if she’d been in a particular place with her mother, when she’d been somewhere else, and she said. . .” Sure”. Pre-teen cryptic language? Or is this just the precursor to something I want absolutely nothing to do with? Female Puberty!?!

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! I was just getting comfortable looking forward to my wife’s menopause.

So I guess this is the portion of my blog when I get into a little new business. . .

I had an idea last night. Not a very good one, maybe, but I had one. You should have seen my wife, she was so proud. That I had an idea; not actually of me.

There is every scam going in this world to take you for all you’ve got. Hell, I’ve fallen for most of them myself. Rather than let someone take you for a ride and get absolutely nothing in return, I’ve got a proposal. . . Let me work out the kinks. . .

I don’t know how this whole blog thing really works. I’m not even sure anyone has really read anything I’ve done thus far, But I’ve Got A Dream! I’ve not even really probably tried to promote myself in the right ways or contacted the right people, but I Want A Shot America!!!(or any other countries, continents or provinces inhabited by someone with a dream). I am a married, father of four now residing in California. I came out here about 7 years ago to pursue a freelance art career, writing, screenwriting, acting . . .ANYTHING.

I’m well aware that years ago, a young man decided to start a grass root movement of a campaign, with the hopes of meeting Drew Barrymore and having a date. I, on the other hand, suggest something far less sinister and a little more rewarding for you. . .the reader. Unlike this fine young man, whose name escapes me, I want the opportunity to do something for you. I want to be able to have a “Sit Down” with someone Drew is very familiar with. . .”Stephen Spielberg”. But what I am proposing is a tad more far-reaching, however. Should I unsuccessfully make a convincing pitch to Mr. Spielberg or any of his friends at DreamWorks, I would like the opportunity to continue trying my hand at writing, acting, and animation in Los Angeles for 1 YEAR. I am currently a school bus driver for a city in California, but because of the economy, have been able to pursue the dream I’ve had since I was a kid. To create a FULL LENGTH FEATURE ANIMATED CARTOON.

I have over 20 years of character development (cartoon characters, not my own; my character has taken 38 years), storylines, and even a toy-design background. I’m talented, sometimes funny and sometimes a mess just like the rest of us. I’ll try to show you that all of us are the same out here. So isn’t it time to help one of us MAKE IT? I don’t even want to make it for that long. Just have a movie make $200 million, get a piece of the royalties, pay for my kids’ schooling and retire into obscurity, like Bridget Fonda.

But what a ride it would be right? I WOULD enjoy making cartoons,acting,etc. for a long time, but I see what the industry does to these people. At what cost? I just want to make people laugh. We see American Idol every year churning out stars, that we vote on. I just want a chance to be voted on for making someone smile.

I haven’t worked out the details of what it is I’m exactly proposing to readers. Like I said I’m not that adept at the whole blogging thing. I was thinking about getting a post office box for donations. Headlining a Blog “Make ‘Me” a Celebrity for just a $1 a day”. I just want to get relocated to LA and start shaking things up.

Everybody thinks they can do it. I’ve got a lot on the line. The futures of 4 great kids and a wife I love the best, riding on me. People used to (and still) tell me all the time, “Why are you doing this?”, instead of my writing,drawing, acting, etc. Bottom line is you do what pays the bills, just like everyone else.

I will write more tomorrow. I hope I didn’t just alienate a whole LEGION of new recruits. I’ll have details and some smiles for all. I want to figure out how to make this dream work.

So my friends the Celebrity Edition of my blog ends with this celebrity asking you to keep reading. Details still to come.

Peace out – Later

Dan

Adam Lambert “Comes Out” to Fans While At a Minnesota ‘Sausage Festival’ (and other fictitious blog headlines)

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on June 9, 2009 by danof89

Howdy campers! I thought that might get a few butts in the seats . . .

I was going to write, “While Touring an Oscar Mayer Plant”, but it didn’t have the same ring of semi-truth or believability to it. Why would he give up a free Saturday to tour a Processed-meat facility? I thank (the now 11 of) you, who have decided to make this blog a permanent fixture in your routine. (Hi Mom!) I know that I could just e-mail her or pick up the phone, but this way she thinks her “little boy” has made it! (Just smile and nod). She doesn’t need to now that everyone and their dog has one of these. By the way, our long nippled-dog will have a post next week. She’s running into some rewrite issues with the editor.

Recently, it’s been brought to my attention, (another tip of the hat to mom), that in order to ensure an avid and loyal readership I need to touch base on some “Hot Button” or “Boiler Plate” issues. To delve into controversial, relevant or dare I say “interesting” subject matter. Therefore, as an artist, and in all good conscience, I can only respond by saying: I absolutely, categorically will NOT address these issues . . .

One at a time.

What? (and for those of you wondering – mom only reads the stuff between parentheses)

So issues I will find on my radar are all fair play! I will take suggestions. I will turn down suggestions. I will make up suggestions from you if I think something is interesting enough to talk about. Things I will NOT talk about: My childhood, Rush Limbaugh, string cheese,doilies, Barack Obama’s father, marinara sauce, the cost of diapers or Lime disease. (Not particularly in that order).

I would like to open the floor real quick with MY overview of CELEBRITY. For those of you who have read a few excerpts of this “Peabody-Winning Masterpiece”, you know I have a hidden agenda. For the first-timers, just get comfortable (you’ll catch on).(MOM-can I put the dark clothes in with the lights?) Sorry, I’m doing laundry. Okay, CELEBRITY. I find the word fascinating, I find them fascinating, I find the whole theory that “they” aren’t like “us” fascinating. The whole concept is riveting and worthy of a blog all its own. (Oh wait a minute, I think there already are a few million out there!) That’s why I don’t necessarily want to get all caught up in CELEBRITY in my blog. I want to entertain. But it is worth a nod, so here I am.

Let me touch briefly, on the young man that I used to illustrate a point in the title of this piece. No, I don’t want to touch briefly on Adam Lambert, just the idea I used to represent a point. (Just wanted to clarify.) Here’s a guy plucked from relative obscurity (if you count his two prior Broadway runs of Les Miserables and his solo LP) and is thrust into the spotlight and the pinnacle of superstardom virtually overnight (16 weeks). He’s on every magazine cover,every talk show, every game show and I’m pretty sure he’s slated to do the new ShamWow Infomercial with Octomom! (I guess the old guy is having some legal problems.)

The question is “Who is this Kid?” and “How does he have any bearing on my life whatsoever?” The fact that I’m writing his very name is ironic to me. The funniest part is HE DIDN’T EVEN WIN! I don’t know, I think there is some sort of recount fiasco going on in Alabama. Bottom line, though, is this. He’s a household name now. But for what? He didn’t cure cancer or invent a Portable x-ray device that emits no radiation that can be taken in the field to make a diagnosis without moving the victim and causing further injury (I did that – in a dream last week). Color me jealous? I suppose. But not for the reasons one might think.

I want the opportunity to have an audience the size that Adam had. To make people sit up and take notice of the “Every Day” guy and gal in America.To laugh, smile, discuss and laugh some more at “CELEBRITY” and at ourselves. It gets ridiculous to me sometimes when I sit down with my family at a meal and turn on the TV, the amount of press coverage given to the kind of shoes Michelle Obama wears.

When Nancy O’Dell and Billy Busch (who I love and respect as law-abiding citizens) report the latest CELEBRITY being sent to rehab, it goes something like this: “Actress Lindsay Lohan and her jilted ex-lover were spotted at upscale club ‘Shalimar’s’, just hours before being admitted to the famed “Blossoms of Hope” rehab facility earlier this morning. The couple, spotted wearing matching bib-overalls and carrying Gucci handbags, entered the facility arm-in-arm accompanied by luggage-toting bellhops, who were wearing . . .blah,blah,blah”. Do you see anything wrong with this picture? Yeah, me neither. (She was due back about now anyway.)

No, what I’m getting at is this country’s insatiable appetite for “All Things CELEBRITY”. I’m as guilty as the next guy. I don’t want to bash anyone for being a CELEBRITY. Heck, I want to be one too. C’mon everyone let’s all be a CELEBRITY.

Therein lies the catch. In order to be a CELEBRITY you have to give up certain comforts we “common folk” take for granted. (Like walking outside of your home – especially into your yard). But I think I might be able to give up such frivolous luxuries for a shot at the big time. Like I stated in a previous blog. I wouldn’t even have to be famous for very long. Just long enough for my movie to hit $200 million, get my cut of the royalties and merchandising, pay for my kids school and retreat into relative obscurity somewhere in the Midwest. Like Bridget Fonda. (Bridget, please now that I didn’t Google you before writing this and I’m not even sure you’re actually still alive. If you are . . God Bless and I loved you in Doc Hollywood,)

So my friends(if you’re still with me). That’s a little bit of my take on CELEBRITY. Please note that no CELEBRITIES were slandered or otherwised harmed in the writing of this blog. My apologies to Adam Lambert and his legions of diehard fans. (My daughters 7th grade class). This was fun. I hope you guys come back for more. . . (goodnight mom!)

Peace Out-Later

D A N

Adam Lambert – “Where’s my Royalty Check from Jimmy Dean?” – Getting “Stiffed” By Sausage Giant

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on June 10, 2009 by danof89

Okay, so maybe I went to the well one too many times with this latest Blog Headline, but you still took a second look didn’t ya? I woke up at the crack of noon to come up with something that would speak to my loyal minions. A topic that hits us all at home. Unless we happen to be (A) A Republican (B) Amish (C) a bum or (D) Adam Lambert. The topic of which I speak is MONEY. Let me start by apologizing to Mr. Lambert. I started this blog, a few nights ago, with a clear-cut mission in mind. The mission, of course, was money. Fame? Yes. Stardom? Sure. Clout? Undoubtedly. But not without sending my kids to college and owning a small island, first.

I don’t know how many of you readers understand how advertising works in this age of “Twitter” and those “iphone thingies”, but it is a powerful thing. An entity, all its own that can make or break a “little project” such as mine. Let me give you an example: Prior to yesterday’s blog, in my first couple entries, I had not used “One Salacious” reference to a STAR (or in this case a reasonable facsimile thereof). I also had not had the proud backing of FORMIDABLE ADVERTISERS on my side. All that changed yesterday with one mouse “point-and-click”. I signed up for a thing on Google called, “AdSense”. Those of you with a blog already,I’m sure are familiar with this idea. Let me apologize to you in advance when the advertisers pull their ads from your sites and get on board with their “Meal Ticket”. I’M TRULY SORRY! But, there’ll be something big in your future, I can feel it!

But back to ME. Just to illustrate the sheer power of the ADVERTISING JUGGERNAUT known simply as: gofiggr.blogspot.com/, after I made my two strategic and intregal marketing manuevers, I sat back in astonishment, as my readership grew. And now the kicker. You know that AdSense thing? They have a box that you can watch (real time - mind you) as people peruse how often people view the advertising that you strategically place on your site. For you laymen and women, I’ll try to explain. Every time someone goes on you blog’s website and reads, they aren’t just reading your latest offerings. They are also being subjected to small mind-altering and brain-warping advertisements! So EVERY TIME someone reads your blog and finds you extremely uninformative or “not quite that engaging” they can click on an advertisement -Which Makes You Money! Provided they don’t just hit the back arrow. But Just Think of the Possibilites!

I wallowed in my lackluster numbers the first couple nights like an NBC executive, but then I found the key, and I’m sure it’s gonna’ right this ship my friends! Every time someone clicks on an ad I get roughly .0005 cents. Now, by stark contrast, the “Networks” can charge thousands of dollars for a spot (millions during the Super Bowl).But think how many people read blogs? Well mine might not be the greatest example, but at last count I was up to about 13 cents! Now multiply that by the million or so readers I’m projected to have by the end of August. . .well even you can do the math. I feel reinvigorated. I think I might very well be on pace to break some sort of internet record! I’ll have to Google that! No, no you guys do it, just don’t forget to use the Google Search right next to my blog here—-} I’ll just be home “raking in the dough”.

All seriousness aside,

I did notice something mildly amusing when I checked to see that I still had no “followers” on my blog. When I looked at the forementioned ADVERTISING on my site they were ads from some very suspicious bedfellows: Oscar Mayer, Some random Sausage Organization and The Minnesota Board of Tourism. Now I understand that whoever “grants” people ads on their sites are a little “willy nilly” about just giving those to anyone with a pulse (or Social Security Number, except in California); but I found it strange. Do the advertisers just pluck random words directly from your blogs to place the advertising? Or do they each have a crack staff of BLOG READING EXECUTIVES that have their finger on the pulse of America?

Strange times my friends. Opens doors to a whole other group of crack pots out there “CONSPIRACY THEORISTS”. But that’s a subject for another day.

I feel like I’m forgetting something. MONEY? Yeah that was the topic, but as so often, I strayed a little off point. Well at least you know I want some, right?

Oh I know. . . Mr. Adam Lambert. Poor guy! You’ve been dragged through the dirt these last few days. But just like the Phoenix, I see you rising from these ashes like a “dainty butterfly”. You’ll be just fine kid. And I’m sorry if I have to use your name and off-color headlines to boost my readership. (now 11) But it’s my turn to be famous. . .(14 cents ca-ching!) Can’t wait to see who my sponsors are tomorrow!

Peace Out – Later

D A N

Comedy Writing 101 – From My HubPages

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on September 27, 2009 by danof89

Hey guys! I’m branching out a bit. Thought I’d share something from the pages of my other bit. You are free to follow me there too. HubPages.com

“Funny”-the Basics

What does it take to be a good“comedy writer”? A question posed to me, last night, as I sat in front of my computer, desperately trying to come up with something to write about for my next blog entry. Let me amend that somewhat. I was actually asked if I wouldn’t mind sharing a few comedy writing “tips”. My initial reaction was pride. “Damn right I’m funny!“, I thought, “It’s about time someone took notice.” You’ll find that when I write, I speak a lot of the “inner dialogue” that takes place inside of my twisted mind. That “voice” is probably the key to what it is I’ve relied on in becoming such a“powerhouse” in the comedy writing community. Well there’s that and the fact that I am more than a little delusional. You see, I think one of the most important keys to being a successful comedy writer is to be. . . mentally ill. You’ll notice I’ve already referred to voices in my head, an inferiority complex and my altered sense of reality. Being neurotic and indecisive is also a pretty good measuring stick as to whether or not you have the “Right Stuff” to pull this off.

So many of you may be asking yourselves, “Who the Hell are You?” My response? Does it really matter? As far as you’re concerned, I’m the most successful comedian of all time and you just can’t put the “Name with the Face”. I bet you feel really dumb about that too. It’s okay, in order that we be able to proceed with my instructions, you’ll have to get past that. . . You good?. . . Okay. In actuality, I am a struggling, married father of four nearing Middle Age (40)Let’s be honest, there are an awful lot of 50 year olds running around saying they are middle-aged today. Who do they think they’re kidding? You’d have to end up “Yoda or Moses-Old” to be able to call that true. But enough about the geriatric set out there trying to live a lie, let’s talk COMEDY. Here are a few tips, that I think could help just about anyone to be the next Dave Barry, Michael Ian Black , Bill Cosby or Dan Freeburg (that would be ME). See if you’re old enough (which I’m not) you might remember a humorist/satirist by the name of Stan Freberg. I am obviously no relation, as our last names are spelled differently. But I’m counting on at least 2 people in Hollywood, or at a Publisher, that will be so old and senile that they forget their reading glasses. Thus, in all the confusion, they will think I’m “Stan” sign me to either a 4 picture deal, or front me such a HUGE advance that I will be able to flee the country before I am required to actually “write” anything. By the way my buddy Stan is 83 years old, and I think he may have retired from “funny”, so there is an opening in that department.

Where was I? . . . Oh yes, Comedy Writing Tips. Well, since she asked so nicely, here are a few. I hope you have a pen. Oh, this is on a computer. You can just pull it up anytime you want. I am getting old. Not that any of this is going to help you. . . Shall We?

1) Always Know Your Target Audience: In my case, I like to think of my demographic as “All of Humanity”. It can seem a little daunting, writing for a select group of individuals, so I like to think that EVERYONE is reading what I write. If you brush with a broader stroke, you cover more of the barn. (That’s another key. Try to talk like Dr. Phil. Semi-witty hillbilly nonsense goes a LONG way)

2) Make Fun of EVERYTHING: Never be afraid to make fun of anyone oranything. If you show any sense of fear, the audience can “feel” it. It’s like riding a horse. If it knows you think it’s going to buck you off, it will. But if you mount the horse with the attitude, “I could have you made into glue or dog food. . . just like that!”, they take it a little easier on you. But the biggest key? Be able to make fun of YOURSELF. Self-deprecating humor, is universal. People want to think better of themselves and their lot in life. So if you can tell them how much your life sucks and how horrible of a person you are, they kind of “warm up” to you.

3) Try to Avoid Time Sensitive Material: By this I mean don’t write about things that only affect people RIGHT NOW. Sure, you can write about things that are happening in the news. People are interested in current events, but don’t make that your bread and butter. Your comedy should be timeless. If Kanye Westdecides to be a douchebag, you can refer to it, then move right along. Though,Kanye West being a douchebag is Eternal. All Seriousness aside, you need to write about things you know will be interesting in a week, month or year from now.

4) Be Playful: It may sound like a No-Brainer, but believe me, I see a lot of writers out there, Professional and Otherwise, that you can almost “see” every keystroke in their writing. They are so intent on making a joke work, that they try to “force” the issue. If a joke doesn’t seem to work and you KNOW it, there’s no need to delete it and start over. Let that be a part of your “charm”. The audience will see it as you being a colossal failure in life, just like them. They will bond with you for showing your vulnerability. I’m sure if they were in the town you live in, they might even take you out for a McCafe coffee at McDonalds to talk about it.

5) Punctuation Doesn’t Matter: It Doesn’t. Capital Letters in the wrong spot. Run-on sentences. I am the self-proclaimed “Master of Verbal Sock-Puppetry”. I won’t get into great detail about how I got that name. You are free to look it up on my blog ( http://gofiggr.blogspot.com ) But, a lot of times, I actually depend on my use of incorrect punctuation, for dramatic effect. I use it for necessary comedic pauses, breaks in thought or just to be a pain in the ass. (But NOTE: The second you misspell something, you’ll get a letter, Tweet or e-mail from a retired English teacher in Biloxi, Mississippi telling you that you’re an idiot)

and Lastly,

6) Write What You Know: Okay, Everybody says this. . . everybody is Right!Would you really want to read how to do Open-Heart Surgery in a “pinch”, from a manual written by your gardener? (I don’t have a gardener-I don’t even have a yard,but you get the point) I don’t write about topics I have no idea about. I may write about things I know very little about, but I can typically BS enough of it, to make it seem legitimate. But BE SURE you can pull it off or the reader will see right through you. If you don’t believe me, try it. I hate idiots. Most people do. There are way too many of them out there. You don’t need to put that in writing.

So there you have it. Some of my Comedy Writing Tips. Pretty impressive, huh?. . . No? Well, I tried . . . and I did make you think I knew what I was talking about. So if you bought that pile of crap, You Too can be a COMEDY WRITER. . .

‘Til Then. . .Go Figg’r!

Peace Out – Later

D A N

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"Don’t Sweat the Scary Stuff. . . And It’s ALL Scary Stuff"

Posted in Entertainment, comedy, humor, satire with tags Humor/Satire on October 1, 2009 by danof89

My Family is big on Halloween. . . HUGE. In fact, before I came along with my “ultra-conservative, preacher’s kid ways”, I’d say my family was into it REAL BIG TIME. Yeah, it was that Scary. No I didn’t marry into a coven of witches, there were no altars or idols to “Zuul” . It was just something so ingrained in my family’s “essence”, that Halloween, was really an ‘everyday’ kind of thing. “What are you doing today?” my wife would ask one of the kids. “I don’t know. I was thinking of carving some Jack-o-Lanterns“, replied one of my kids. (This would typically occur at any time from January through early April) It has toned down a little since I came aboard. We no longer live in a Pagan Pleasure Palace . Well, I’m not being completely honest. . . I’m not ultra-conservative and it’s actually a little more like Satan’s Slumber Party . . . Massacre . (still kidding. . . Mom, put the phone down). We like “The Halloween” around these-here parts, more than a typical family. But as a lot of you know, we’re not exactly typical. But who do you think you are judging us to begin with? No Matter, Halloween is the only Holiday that I personally believe is and should be Commercialized, to it’s full potential. Do it up RIGHT, I say! Everything else that constitutes a Holiday nowadays seems to be just another reason to guilt us into spending money. Halloween, on the other hand, hides behind no false pretenses. There is no “hidden meaning”. Unless, you are one who believes in its ‘TRUE ORIGIN’ and “celebrates” accordingly. If you are, I’m sorry, this bit isn’t for you. This one is about the ‘kiddies’ . I choose to remember the dead on Memorial Day or when I drive by a funeral home or cemetary. And, I’ll have another entry coming for you, before the “blessed” day actually arrives. Equal time, I can assure you. . . Shall I go on? (I’m going to anyway)
I Love Halloween. In fact, next to Christmas , Thanksgiving, Easter, Arbor Day , Cesar Chavez Day, Candaleria Day, Hanukkah , Kwanzaa and Festivus , it is my favorite Holiday. (Do not be offended by my list. I was trying to be all-inclusive. I know I left out Eid-Al-Adha, Vaisakhi and others. But this is a Halloween bit, and to be honest, those Holiday Names SCARE me – they sound like Star Trek Villains .) I know that we are about a month away from ALL HALLOWS EVE, but in my house, the party preparations have already begun. I can’t believe how “jazzed” my wife and kids get for this thing. (this from the guy that gets excited when I find loose change in the dryer) But I’m starting to think that my 5 year old daughter is feigning interest so that she doesn’t feel “left out” during our annual ‘Freak Show’. Don’t get me wrong, she definitely wants to ‘break her off a piece of that “Kit Kat” bar’. She LOVES candy(WAAAY too much) When she doesn’t have candy, for any length of time, she becomes listless and is prone to stabbing one of us in the throat with whatever is “handy”. Yeah, it can be SCARY. I have Dr. Drew’s home number, but I think I’m going to hold on to that for another problem we’re ‘dealing’ with. (Also SCARY)
But. . .
My daughter also enjoys dressing up. She typically chooses Batman or Spiderman (every year) much to her mother’s annoyance, who’s still convinced I am trying to turn her into a “boy”. I explain that not only is this impossible (until she is at the legal age for consent and then it’s just gross ), but I wouldn’t want to turn her into a “nasty and filthy” boy. (coincidentally, also her mother’s ‘pet adjectives’ for me-usually followed by dumbass) I agree. Boys are EVIL and Boys are SCARY. My girls won’t be dating for at least 20 years. I don’t even need to buy a gun cabinet to show off to potential ’suitors’-let alone an actual gun. Guns SCARE me. (But that’s yet another blog, for another day). Yes, I’m still getting to the point. . . It’s not my fault my daughter likes “boy’s stuff” more than “girl’s stuff”. Why wouldn’t she? Girl’s stuff is for wussies . Who would want to play with dolls, when there are Action Figures out there begging to assist children in commencing with various forms of “blood-letting”? I don’t push Boy’s Toys or ideas on her. She watches TV and Toy commercials just like most kids. (Except those raised by parents who have them enrolled in ‘High-Falootin’ Pre-Preschools that rob them of their childhoods in a desperate attempt to make up for their own deficiencies and failures as adults). It’s Okay to want the best for your kids, but let them be. . .KIDS. (You SCARE me)
All Seriousness Aside. . .
My daughter watches TV. Mind-numbing and potentially harmful amounts, in fact. She sees every commercial and doesn’t discriminate when deciding which products she feels she Cannot Live Without. ‘Sham Wow’ ? Wants it. ‘Mercedes Benz’ ? Wants it. ‘Hannah Montana’s Easy Bake Oven and Bubble-Blowing, Fairy-Diapering and Blendy-Penning Crystal Barbie Pet Shop Emporium’? Has it. So when she wants a Spiderman or Batman costume for Halloween. . . Well, let’s just say I have no idea how they find their way into the shopping cart at WALMART , when the wife sends me for a garden hose. . . Honest. No, my daughter loves everything bout Halloween. THE COSTUMES, THE CANDY, THE GAMES, THE CANDY (and the candy). She likes almost everything about it. . . except the SCARY. She wants absolutely NOTHING to do with anything that goes “Bump in the Night”. If we walk into a “store” (this means WALMART -We don’t do “the mall”-except when killing someone for an item is not a viable option)-and the store is displaying any potentially scary-type Halloween decorations, it can be quite a scene. To avoid any unpleasantries during one of these visits, she will walk at my side, peering around my legs to make sure nothing is going to “Get Her”. I try, as best I can , to assure her that “rubber skeletons” and “plastic witches” will not snatch her up and take her to the “Girl Part of the Toy Aisle” , forcing me to purchase another ‘Tinker Bell & Friends Hair Extension and Personal Grooming Kit with Glitter Glue Attachment’.
By the way, “Glitter Glue” is one of the most unnecessary children’s recreational implements ever conceived by someone who obviously has no children. I find this product not only potentially Hazardous and SCARY, but I feel the need to place it in my “What Were They Thinking?” Hall of Shame. We just finished a new wing next to the Kanye West and Sea Monkeys exhibit. (incidentally, you can view this display until the beginning of November-when it will be replaced by a Holiday Tribute to Michael Jackson’s Doctor and Moonsand – ooh, still too soon?. . . You’re right, not enough parents know about the evils of Moonsand). But Because of Glitter Glue we can be assured that our carpet and walls will be introduced to Orange and Black works of “Sparkly Art” from now, until the day I can say. . . It’s over. But in my house, Halloween is “where it’s at”, Like it or not. I’m so glad they don’t make Moonsand in Orange and Black. . . wait a sec. . . my wife says they do. Nevermind. Looks like I’ll be renting a Rug Doctor again this year. (said rental, tentatively set for November 1st)
I actually kind of like my little girl still being a little “spooked” by Silly Stuff. Not to try to keep her “Daddy’s Little Girl” , but to keep her ‘acting her age’. There’s no need to rush it. I see a lot of SCARY stuff nowadays. Not just in our House of Horrors, but across the world. Children becoming desensitized by the media and entertainment with their parents so unaware of what is “fueling their children’s minds” that all they can do is sit in the corner of their lavish homes - thumbs firmly up their collective butts-planning their kids’ college education, before they’re done crapping their diapers.(the kids, not the parents. We’re having kids later in life nowadays and the parents may very well already be crapping their diapers) I DO watch what my kids take in on Halloween, besides ungodly amounts of glucose. It is none of my business what people do to shape their children’s minds in order to live vicariously through them or to exorcise their own demons and make their kids live a life by a schedule, under the gun and with little room for “fear” of any kind. Take them to the park. Go Bowling or Roller Skating. Live in a perpetually continuous state of Halloween-ness. But the second I see a hand-painted, small animal “skull collection” in your back yard (I look over your fence when you’re at the Country Club) or when I see a Dry Ice Truck backing into your driveway, I’m calling the cops. Yeah, we use dry ice year-round, but ours is purchased for science projects and Halloween-related Theatrical ‘events’. You guys need someone keeping an eye on you. Freaky. We celebrate at home. My kids don’t do the Trick-or-Treating door to door anymore. Unfortunately, our world is getting a little SCARY. . .

‘Til Then. . . Go Figg’r!

Peace Out – Later